GO GO AMRIC BOT (as Gage would say)

 What makes us who we are?

This whole examine who I am thing thru Ayris and her college papers has me much more observant to what my role is and how it plays out in the lives of others around me especially my baby grands and my children  . . .

Here is my thought for the day...

We use to have rules in our house about the Phone, the Computer, the TV.  You have to go to school.  You get good grades, you work around the house, you don't work outside the house cuz your work is to succeed your job is School!  Amric somewhere along the line also got the job of Sports; football, baseball, wrestling all chosen jobs of his Father for him!  Things Change.

The phone isn't on the wall in the house any more.  The computer is in our hands individually without restraint, the Tv can be see anywhere anytime.  School is still school, but it has so many more "political correct"
nesses that how much "fun" can learning be and College forget it - doesn't sound fun at all!!  Jobs are hard to come by period. And Sports well thats where my thought is.  You aren't ALWAYS going to be #1.  BUT YOU CAN SUCCED YOU CAN DO WHAT EVER YOU WILL.  You don't always want to do it and You aren't always going to, especially if it's what your Daddy wants for you ;)  thus the story goes of Amric Zane and his Daddy!  Richard always told Amric and everyone that would listen "this kid is HUGE the size of a FOOTBALL PLAYER".  Along with that he would tell Austin "You better stop buggin him some day he'll be twice your size and beat the crap out of you!"  Amric has the best heart he would never do that (just so you know!).  He started Football, in the 3rd grade one day his soccer coach asked "has he ever tried Football?"  so in the 5th grade he was working out with the High School kids dragging tires around with telephone logs. Then in his 7th grade year he, himself sought after a Rugby coach and in the 8th grade was playing RUGBY with the High School kids.

He rafted the Rivers of Washington, Oregon & Montana with his dad.
they fished in Canada (but that's another story for another day!

His Sophomore year he played soccer!

ELMA EAGLES AYRIS AND AMRIC GO FIGHT WIN!

Then in his Freshman year due to him standing for what He believed in and an other Sport he loved trumping Football he retired from the game.  Devastation hitting his father.  Amric never slacked off at any sport practice or otherwise.  He always gave it his all.

KANSA CITY

His junior and senior year he played Rugby for Omaha his dad in full support anyway my thought in the beginning is He was told he was a big Kid that he could do anything, though it may not be what his Dad wants he believed his dad and is a Big Kid and Does What he Wants!!!  And is very successful at it!!!  We are very proud of him!!! GO GO AMRIC BOT!

Costa Rica!

Who DO you think you are?

what's an "ite"?
"...The downward slide of this civilization began to pick up momentum. The division of society into classes resulted in irreparable tears in the social fabric. In A.D. 231 there appeared what Mormon calls the “great division among the people” (4 Ne. 1:35). We might refer to this as the “-ite” phase of New World apostasy, with the Nephites, Jacobites, Josephites, and Zoramites, on the one hand, preserving the true worship of Christ, and, on the other hand, the Lamanites, Lemuelites, and Ishmaelites “wilfully rebelling against the gospel of Christ” (4 Ne. 1:38)".  Andrew skinner Nov. 2000

This is one of my biggest fears...division and war amongst the people that I live with, by, even around, my neighborhood, my church, family member vs family member.  An ideal of civil war freaks me out, I just don't know how people live in it, how they survive in times of war on the homefront.   Yet spiritually I send myself, my husband my kids AND now, my grandkids out into it (the world) every day - how will we survive what do we do to survive.
Maybe to begin with we could in times of civility and peace get along with each other, say hi to the neighbor, take 7Up to the sick - maybe just support one another friends and family alike.  I had an experience that has weighed heavily on my mind that I want to document and hope to look back on and learn from cuz even these many months later Im still trying to digest it.

Our family had a luncheon after a special occasion.  There was in attendance a boy, (a young man) his Mother, his step Mother, A "foster type" Mother and a "friend" type Mother.  These Women all had the best interest of this boy at heart yet none of them could communicate with each other.  Why is it?  Why Can't, even in a good situation people really drop the walls, release the reserve, genuinely be happy with each other for another person.  Must we designate ourselves as "ites", giving ourselves titles, conditions, roles to play that we indignantly think someone else can not do or live up to, thinking that we are the "Big Wheel" and that with out us this (whatever it is) cannot go on?  How sad it is that we are so prideful that we can't join in harmony for someone else without jealousy and judgement.  No hugs, no conversation, no pictures, no well wishes just contention.  How sad is that?  let me tell you SAD :(

so how to "fix it"? how to overcome such a issue as class, race, one uping ...blah blah blah  I would like to delete segregating names from my vocabulary and encourage you to do so too.  Next time you feel "better than someone else", remember the time that you didn't and don't let anyone ever feel that way in your presence, Im going to try to do the same.

Recently I heard Henry B. Eyring say; It takes a team!  "caring for those in need takes a team — a loving and unified society".

reference:
Pamela J. Reid, “No More -Ites,” New Era, Jan 2001, 42
Henry B. Eyring  Our Hearts Knit as one Oct. 2008, &
Nov. 2012 "The Caregiver

What's one thing YOU believe in?

Today I'm feeling a little nostalgic towards Amric  he is our youngest he thinks he kinda,  but not really hasn't got the detail that others have.  So today I'm gonna work on that!!!

I bought these stupid pictures but I can't find them on the computer so I know they have the water mark I did buy them

Denver, Colorado

Amric Zane plays Rugby with the Creighton High School young men in Omaha Nebraska, most of them are Catholic.  They talked about going out to eat together  but it seemed pointless to them - it being Good Friday and all!  Thus the belief that they only eat fish on Friday. I bring this up because it is their "thing" - something that they believe in.  Amric being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka; Mormon) and teased constantly and nicknamed "Stormin' Mormin" has things he believes in too.  Nothing he likes more than playing Rugby but like it or not they  play on Sunday he believes it's the Sabbath thus chooses to not play - it's his "thing".   We all have our beliefs - our "things" we choose to believe in. 

What's your "Thing" your "be all to end all"  what are you "fightin' for" or would you fight for? thats the thing you believe in.  Stand up for it and don't back down.  Remember this you have to work at it, you can't let your guard down and you must want it more than what you want in the moment.

Affection 101

As a child what do you remember about affection in your home?

One thing I know and that is - I was RAISED TO BE A "McCoy!" and that meant tuff, resolved, resilient, work hard, Use it up, make it do or do with out kind of girl!!!  Not to much affection, patience or need for worldly things.

My dad was not affectionate he was a cowboy. Don't touch his hat that's for sure! As a teenager though when he was in a good mood (I think cuz he was getting older and mellowing) I'd sit on his lap and rub his bald head and tell him about my week trying out my sarcasm.  I'd say "dad don't cuss at me you'll give me a complex and he'd say I'll give you a duplex!"- guess you had to be there!!! Then he'd laugh and say he was going to "put his boot where the sun don't shine"- I knew that meant that he loved me, but he never said it, not until I was 18 and moving away from home - he had taken me to KFC for dinner on Apache blvd that night! A bittersweet memory for sure.  My Daddy kept me from the cowboys and protected me from a world of disorder.  In some weird way he taught me to respect and honor my mom in a way that to this day I can't explain.  For I do know that they loved each other.  That they made a commitment to each other and they stuck to it with all their differences and there were many.

What are those ridiculous glasses mom!

Mom and I were huggers. Lots of hugs always!  Happy, sad we were hugging. She liked to have her hair combed and her head scratched with a rat tail comb. Most often I would do this for her because I loved her and knew that she liked it, but sometimes I resented it cuz I felt like I did and did and did for her without her recognizing it. Me recognizing now, as an adult how much she did and did for me, me not appreciating it then. Some of my favorite memories are laying by her in bed after prayers and talking ourselves to sleep about our day or our dreams.  My mom and I had a rare Mother /Daughter relationship we were truly best friends, but I knew my role and I knew hers somehow she knew how to do it and still be my Mother.  Parenting is a crazy thing and not really learned til it's over unfortunately!!!  I thank God my mom and Dad sacrificed their relationship (as I see it now) for me to be raised the way I was. 

And thus we see:  

Save a girl save a generation!  and my parents saved me, if from nothing else from myself.  Look for someone to marry that isn't the parent you were missing!  I always dated boys that I can see now were "father figures" discipliners and gave affection, both  character  traits I needed and missed out from my father.  I also thought the mom ran things in the house and the dad protected his job and did everything he could to provide, even if that meant never being home.  AND THUS WE SEE; marriage has been hard for me but from them I did learn I made a commitment and I'm sticking with it with all our differences and there are many!!!!  

But it helps that I married my mom and not my Dad!!! And that it always ALWAYS takes two to show affection!

Discipline 101

Part 2 learning from Ayris and her college interviews!!!

It is said that My Father hit my older siblings. I am the baby so it is said that he had mellowed by the time I got there. Stories are told of him hitting with anything laying around, belts, belt buckles, sticks, long wild grass, bailing wire and bobbed wire in one case!

A few times My Mother spanked, shook, grounded, glared, but more often she guilted! Then there is when she threatened with "when father gets home" but mostly she taught - lots of [at the time I thought lectures] words and many many prayers for the sake of children.

The reality of it is;
Ok so as I ponder this topic I can't and I have search my brain for times I remember being disciplined by my father. My siblings told horror stories of being hit as they grew up but I only remember being scared of him. We moved to Arizona when I was 4 I have no memories of daddy disciplining me there at that home front! I have good memories spending time with him herding sheep, walking on the canal and with the dogs and horses - no hitting or even seeing anyone be hit! Weird I never thought about it like that before til right now. After we moved to Arizona it was the threat of daddy coming home and hitting me that kept me inline!! I can remember hiding in a tree scared he was going to hit me for my grades suffering in school. I had a fear of my father that I always referred to as respect.

Mom on the other hand! I have no memories of in Colorado nothing I cannot find her there in my mind.  Maybe once hiding from her in the asparagus plants in a ditch in front of the house??? After we moved to Arizona she was the "hands on" parent (let me insert right here i got nothing from her that I didn't deserve!) she grounded me from the phone, from going places, she left a chore list of things for me to do everyday when she left for work, I was a "latch key" child no friends allowed over while she was at work. I had one older brother still in high school who was around in the mornings before school and then I was on my own, mom came home for lunch for an hour everyday and I was to have lunch ready. We watched "As the world turns" or "Guiding Light" depending on which hour she came home - we ate on TV trays and visited while eating our lunch. I got graded on my chores and given more. I believe (now) this was not only to discipline me but to teach me to work, keep me out of trouble and to help her keep up with the house work!!!
And thus we see- I only do chores when nobody is home. When people are here I like to do things with them! and I believe I know how to work and taught my children to know how to work! one can only hope!!!

Examples of her discipline:
Once I stole a watch at the dime store downtown (yes I am old enough to refer to a store as a "dime store") I might have been 8 maybe younger, mom was so mad at me I remember her scolding me on the side walk in front of the store.  It was a little kid watch in the toy  section, I had taken it out of the package left the package there and stuck it in my pants, it fell down thru the leg and out on the sidewalk as we left the store! What I really remember is her teaching me was that it was not honest and making me walk back in there give the lady the watch and say I was sorry - horribly embarrassed even at a young age.
And thus we see; Honesty is the best policy.  Discipline taught in action is remembered, let the action be calm, controlled and let the child be involved and not stuck in a corner or beaten.

It looked like this only WHITE!

One Wednesday night when I was suppose to be at mutual I went off with some friends, a group of us.  we were in Jim's car we drove around town went to Jack in the Box nothing evil or crazy, but I lied about where I was,  obviously.
When I got home my mom had already heard I wasn't at the church. She grabbed me out of that car and started spanking me and grabbed my two arms pulling them by the elbows behind me as she kicked my butt with her knees walking me into the house. She was out of control and embarrassed me so much, I didn't learn anything from that except for how uncool my mom was!
And thus we see: well you get it.  Stay incontrol. Don't lie to your parents.

Communication 101

"They" say you learn from your kids!  Well one of mine is writing papers for college that force her to ask questions that make me think  today I enter some of my answers to her...

My father wasnt home much. while my parents were not divorced they lived separately daddy's business (1 on McDowell and 24th st. in Phoenix, 2 on Hardy and Priest and 3 on 1st st in Tempe) was a horse riding stable where he rented out horses for hourly rates ... I did not know we were dysfunctional! I was told he had to protect the investment and so he stayed with the tack, feed and horses. He came home on sat. and Sunday nights to eat, get clean clothes and watch Archie bunker with me! Sometimes during the week he would come home and sometimes I would go stay there on Saturdays especially if mom had to work - anyway up until I was in jr high and had things to go do on Saturdays. His communication was direct stern or sarcastic this is where I learned what I thought was humor!!! His communication was - cussing and yelling, I did fear that more than being whipped from my daddy. It made me feel little, stupid = awful.
and thus we see: physical abuse beats/hurts your body, derogatory language, verbal abuse beats/hurts the soul i think its worse cuz your brain is involved and it tells your brain you are unworthy.

Daddy would create conversation with me around mom about things that bugged her and we would laugh together, she never cracking a smile and not thinking anything said was funny, which made us laugh together even more leaving Mom out!
And thus we see: Sarcasim hurtful and a type and shadow of being a bully. (In writing that down I can realize that that is what Amric and I do to Richard! Guess I better work to change that)

My mom and I had long talks and were best friends. We could talk (when we weren't in a teenage parent argument) about anything. Mom and dad liked to go for drives. When daddy went I was not allowed to talk. But when it was mom and I we would go on forever talking about any and everything.  I do remember though at age 12/13 really bugging her cuz I talked too much.  Urlene and I would get in the car and go on and on about our lives giggling uncontrollably!
And thus we see: moms are great and unselfish letting kids talk about only themselves on and on until all you do is giggle and thats annoying!

Our communication to get me out of bed in the mornings for school from the day I started school was to call me. The phone was all the way across the house and would ring loudly scarying me into awake mode and then I would run across the house to answer the phone to hear mom say "up and at 'em it's time for school"!       Really I knew that! I did not like it too much at all and grew to hate everything about the phone except for if boys called of course!! And note hear I was never ever allowed to call them!  (a lesson I tried to teach my girls but has now been lost because everyone has a phone in there hands!)
and thus we see: face to face communication is the best! and being woke up in the morning by someone in the house is the best and communication is a gift, a talent and is being lost in translation in a high tech world.

I think it's interesting the things that the spouse thinks is important for the spouse vs the thing the parent thinks is important for the child.  Usually In my experience the parent child wins out vs the spouse.  I know I think that sucks!  Maybe I should work on that from my end to see if it improves on the other end.  Don't get me wrong, Im spoiled as a spouse.  But coming from the both of us - when the kids need something that always happens without question.

Marriage is a triangle, well that's how I've been taught, never really seen it in action but we try.  I know that when it is that is when it is the BEST.

"President Spencer W. Kimball taught: 'Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage . . . means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all' 

so no matter the needs of the spouse or the child or NOW THE BABY GRANDS!  I pray I will always be able to with God's help meet their needs :)

he also said this:
“To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman’s strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home—which is society’s basic and most noble institution”

Oh Marissa, My Marissa!!!

today I was going to come to my blog and delete my entry about DEPRESSION.  I had a horrible dream last night and suddenly i felt overexposed -- too out there -- people knowing too much about me and my circumstance and my "peeps"!  then there was Marissa, my friend and a light in my life!  thank you girl for the good times!

So I guess I will move forward and hope your bright smiling face and memory are right!!!!

2 D's = The Drug! for The Depression!

Preface... ten / eleven / twelve!
Atypical despression click!- well it's the web's definition but pretty accurate in my case.  The following is a daily (daily for me!) journal of my first 30 days back from the lowest heaviest point I guess in the last 36 years.   I'm pretty sure I have layered myself into this - it wasn't one thing it was the deaths of my dad, my nephew, all of my siblings, the ups and downs of married life, the ups and downs of the scale! (which I now know are because that is how I deal with loss), and lets not forget the moves we've moved more times than I care to mention and one last week my husband suggested it may happen again and I totally felt myself falling literally falling wanting to get away from reality.  In this moment I understood, I knew, I realized why I never leave the house, why I don't make friends or commitments anymore.  Loss hurts and sucks and hurts again over and over it's always in your mind, your heart the moments of your everyday life.  I'm struggling to learn to accept it - that loss happens and not loose myself in those losses.

It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” 
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

I'm grateful for all those experiences I have had in life and as my Grandpa Lyman would say "It's Joyful to the purpose" but only if you don't let yourself get lost in the darkness.  It's not much my simple journal but I hope it might help someone else recognize release and relive again a life of light.

Yesterday Sept. 10 I began a regimen of Wellbutrin  for a doctor diagnosed problem of ATypical Depression.  I will begin a journalling process as counseled by my daughter Apryl.

DAY ONE

Sept 10... in realizing that I have to support Ayris no matter what she chooses about Tyler I had a little panic attack and decided to indeed take the pills prescribed to me.   in the afternoon without food just desperate  No energy, Cry at the drop of anyones name or the drop of a hat!, weight gain of 30+ pounds in one year, no desire to eat in accordance to my Medifast or "Take Shape for Life" program started in Feb of 2010.  I lost 57 pounds in 9 months.   I was feeling pretty good at the Blessing of Porter McCoy Noyes!  Life was pretty good in fact.  But since July of 2011 I have started on a down hill rollercoaster ride that I really saw happening but thought I was controlling.  Then August 2012 happened! Ayris and Tyler Split up and Apryl and her family moved to Vermont - I am crashing today and willing to ask for help.

DAY TWO
Sept 11 ... I actually answered my phone and talked to apryl today.  She laughed at me that I am depressed saying it can't be what is causing my headache s and said me and Ayris would end up in a bouncy room together :( maybe I wont answer my phone next time.  The point of this entry is - I answered the phone.

Anyway... Took my pill in the morning.  I even left the house (no answering the phone and leaving the house big deals in themselves both in one day - there is hope!) went to get amrics doctor papers signed and then to lunch at his work, he made me the best chocolate shake and I ate a whole (almost)
order of nachos!  Yummy!!!!

I couldn't go to sleep in the night and I didn't take any pills with caffeine or have a soda after three.


DAY THREE

I woke up at five 3 hours of sleep I took my thyroid and went back to bed.  Good sleep but tv style dreams, about Ayris Tyler and other boys.  He was "claiming" her as he realized others wanted her it was weird.  I get my best sleep from 5 - 7.

I woke up with a headache. It's 2:00 I've taken My depression pill, Tylenol , a fake excedrin and had 2 sodas, it's starting to subside.  Energy low because of headache.  Soda doesn't get me going any more!

today when I ate I just sat down and fell asleep... so this day not such a good day.


DAY FOUR
sick to my stomach
looks like rash on my right side
no doctor - I'm fine

DAY FIVE
today was weepy
I just want to cry all the day long
I want to DO something, but I can't figure out how.  I ask the boys. Nobody moves so instead of just doing it myself I sit.  It's awful.  I don't want to do anything.  I need to loose weight. I want to eat my food but I have to feed them and I dont have to the balls to do it, if Im cooking for people.  Need to call make an appt with doctor for therapy need to find motivation to start knew habits.
Got to talk to Austin tonight, that was wonderful. I love Austin.

DAY SIX
Today was pretty good.
didn't eat well, I started out wanting to at least.  I ate Oatmeal - but really I have to not eat at all or I just eat what I want.  MUST RETURN TO TSFL.
Did my chores didn't lay around, sleep or just be limp all day...but tonight I am tired.


DAY NINE
Tonight Richard and I went to the Temple, while driving there he asked me if I knew how long it would take for the meds to start working, If I am having side effects and if I thought I felt better.  Nice of him I thought to take an interest, to even remember that I told him about this project to "break the cycle and get out of this slump" I am in.   Anyway in doing so it reminded me that I hadn't written here for a few days so in looking back.  I do feel better.  Richard said that he noticed a more upbeat in me.  I have not been laying in bed all morning not wanting or even having the desire to get up.  I have done chores, more than just what "needed" to get done to "get by".  I am writing and studying a little each day.  I made some goals and I am working at them.  Also note that today I did 100% on TSFL eating habit and took no pain pills of any kind.

DAY TEN
I feel kinda sick to my stomach, but I have started my TSFL regimen again and I think it's an empty stomach that is making me feel nauseous so I'll keep my watch out on this.  I weigh too much, proving that since girls camp 2011 I've gained 40 pounds (that is in one year)!  I am striving to move more and eat less, this has to stop somewhere.  stay tuned.  Internet search shows that this is kinda a dangerous choice to take this drug, thus i'm aware, nervous and scared but determined to not be depressed any longer.  I have let myself progressively become more and more depressed since Judyann died then all the others and then this whole Tyler thing (see blog My Perspective not posted yet.). I also believe that I can not get over 11 years of depression by myself, I need prayers along with probably more than the meds.  Last night I slept awful, my lower back hurts on the inside while sleeping I thought it was my hip but this morning in feeling where it hurts it seems more like inside my lower back on the left between the middle of my back and side???? idk ill watch this took to fake excedrins!

Tonight I'm not tired and its 10:30.  But my eyes feel like they are blinking alot and I am seeing flashes of light on my right side of my right eye.  wish me luck!
Pray all the time be thankful ask what to pray for and who to pray about ... answers are there God hears you.

DAY11 Sept 20
I'm saying day whatever til 21 and then just the date!  We went to clean the Temple tonight, it always makes me think how much I need to clean the house better at home!!!  Anyway I took 1 Walmart excedrin tonight at 8:30 seems like my joints hurt (my hip and shoulder joints), not my head so much tonight - so that is good.  I ate pretty well but I did eat 2 lean and green meals vs one.

DAY 12 Sept 21  this day was a bust.  But I don't believe I'm depressed...just life didn't work well today Amric and Dad at odds.
Day 13 Sep 22 Today was better.  Lots of stuff done around here all 3 of us are moving.
DAY 14 Sept 23  One Soda. Ate perfect except a hand full of licorice.  Doing well, not crying. Lost 4 pounds.

DAY 15 Sept 24 - Oct 1 I was in Utah distracted with My daughter and grandkids!!!  But to check in only one day did I just feel low down and cry at the mention of nothing I would just cry.  Ridiculous.
doubt is darkness, I hate darkness and when I allow it into my life.  Believe in and seek after Light.  I am of worth I can be a helper.    I seek to choose the right in my life.  Interesting new thought The Holy Ghost warns us we are going down we need to be in tune to listen, hear it and understand.

DAY 27 Oct 6  - I'm gaining weight and eating crazy again.  But I have been controlling  my caffeine intact (although some days better than others)  but im not drinking 6 cans trying to get a pick me up buzz like I was, that is for sure.  I do note that not writing - I loose my focus and just do nothing.  Writing for me is a good thing.  I need to write letters.  But i won't so I'll keep blogging!!!  I have not gone to any therapy the Doctor suggested that too, but I have not engaged.  It's seems like a trend.

Oct 7 - Today Sunday Conference Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  OH MY GOSH. what great meetings
Oct 8 - Getting organized around the house!!  Family coming to visit so I need to get going.  Family picture on the calendar so need to loose this stupid depressed imploded weight.

Oct 9 - Ok today I'm working. I'm getting by on less sleep and I want to get out of bed.  Talked to Apryl today without falling completely apart when I hung up.  "HUNG UP" one of those terms that the kids today don't even know why we say "hung up"!  But then it's one of my hang ups!!!! Apryl being gone and talking on the phone!!!  I miss her.  I am just so grateful she got to bring her family and live by us for a year.

Trials tests ... whatever I am a survivor ... I cannot save others only me.  But i hope to be physically mentally and emotially fit to save myself and help others along the way.

Oct 10 - Today I started my second bottle of pills.  No weight loss.  I haven't started walking either. I want too.... I WILL I WILL I WILL!  Called in a order of TSFL to come next week so I can start my new lifestyle of eating all over again!  The fat pants that "hung" on me are having a hard time buttoning this morning.  Watched a new show on tv tonight "GO ON"  I diffently have a case of grief eating!!!


Oct 11 -   So im feeling better.  I am working around the house again.  I want to get out of bed.  I'm sad about a few things that have happened, Apryl moving away and Tyler not being part of the family anymore.  But I'm not so depressed about it that I can't function. My headaches are not as intense, gonna have headaches thats hereditary its not all depression.   I'm saying my prayers.  I'm praying for ayris, tyler, me everyone I can think of that might be affected by loss.

"Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God; it occasionally covers us. God is never hidden,yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done” (Matthew 6:10), create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time". Eyring.

I am feeling that time is short and I have no time to waste on depression, no matter who comes in and out of my life or how fat I am!!! I plan to, I WILL get up every morning and move and work and smile.

I've learned thru this little experiment that there is a difference between depression and sadness and maybe sometimes you have to ask for help.  Hopefully I will continue to improve and wont have to take pills for long...  I've also learned that people that leave, some of them choose to and some don't,  -- the only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it.


Today is Mar 12th it's not working ... I cry on a whim or no whim - I still cry, aGain.  I weigh as much as I did in 2009 aGain. I can't sleep.  I have a headache everyday.  My legs are shakin'. I want to puke when I wake up.  I am not laying in bed, like in the beginning 6 months ago, so that is good. But I need to DO something. Tonight I am going to a meeting to learn to eat right, wish me luck!!!