To self destruct or Not to Self Destruct....

IWhat a crazy last few months.  I was home minding my own business when Richard appeared and whisked me away to a new place, a place on the skagit River in the middle of no where with no internet! and then he suggested we MOVE there!!!  WHAT? I said to myself...I am just now settled again. I am Unpacked, I thought this would be forever - right?  Not!!!

i really like this quote too

To avoid all the details of selling a home when you've already moved and in this economy lets just go... long story short ... we ended up paying people more or less to buy our home.  Thus we have NO money any more and can't afford to live in the home we live in and it's time to pack it up again.  Well I shut down, closed the books, the blogs, the letters, the walls went up and Kelly once again I went into self destruct mode.  I found this amazing definition of what I've learned thru this last few months that I've done to myself my whole life!

thanks to whoever wrote this I couldn't figure out how to describe what I do to myself now that it's out there described and all maybe I can get a better grasp of how to overcome it.

Thus I am behind on my goals, dreams and anything that I would have wanted to do since FEB.  But in all of that I have been to Vermont, Arizona and Utah.  I have built relationships with my babygrands, nephews, nieces and children ( i will hit these experiences all up in other blogs).  I have moved, yes again and this time Richie promises it's the last - and FYI; he has NEVER said that before! I am unpacked, had family here to visit and even done some yard work!  

I've set up a great place for me to write, sort through all the things that I hold on too and now need to do something with and hope to be inspired and guided both in writing and sharing why these "things of this world" matter.  When I get tired I even have a place to sleep without going back up the stairs!!!

I love living by the ocean.  I am going to need to study up on when and why the tide is sometimes out in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon.  I mean I get it, but I do want to learn more about it.  I am grateful for this season that Richie and I have to build a relationship, home and memories together, to "fall in love" all over again.  Even now I find that I'm afraid to let go to really be vulnerable.

and this quote! totally me!

When family life gets busy, burdened and chaotic I think we forget to be "in love".  I tend to self destruct in any all relationships too, even from my youth.  Not wanting to be embarrassed, hurt or left behind.  As the saying goes "everybody leaves", I am living proof of that! It's heartbreaking.  It's prideful though to be the one that makes that happen.  But what I am better able to see these days is heart break happens. Find the good in each day and keep moving.  
Even though I put up the walls, I did strive to keep moving (it helps that other people had plans and I had to go with the flow) because if they hadn't drug me along with them I would have drowned in my own mud hole of SELF DESTRUCT.  thank you to my FAMILY for loving me and not deserting me, even when I push you away, don't agree with what you are doing or how you are doing it, don't answer my phone and hide you are always here for me.  
For that I am grateful.

P.S.  Note to self....  TIMING PATIENCE PRAYER MOVING 

Proverbs 4:5 - 7 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not...Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

August.   Home.    Job.    It's time to move again.  Some things you just Feel. 

House in October sat in it for an hour placed all the furniture.  Went to look at it the next day. Sat in it.  Immediately we started to "change" things; like buy the lot across the street cut down the trees knock down walls, put up walls, reassign drainage.  But this was all good, we still WANTED this house.  We desired to be and see the lake, put the boat out next to the house or down in the water.  HOA Rules boat can't be by the house has to be in garage. This last min knowledge was news to us.  Unknowingly after a few days maybe,  but for sure weeks we seem to take note that we had forgotten all about this house in our continued search for the "one" house.

Nov. The One house is available with Lease Option. I didn't think it looked like us. But it was the One thing that fit we moved in. I unpacked and set up again, as I do, For the long haul. 

Feb found house on skagit river went to the temple fasted felt good about it. Richard really wanted it. I could see us there. It was something we would buy. I support him, but I'm not excited about it. I shut down quit doing everything at home and at church. This idea faded and the choice was forgotten.

March went to look at house listed on Samish Island. Really like the lot. House needs thousands of dollars of work.  LOVE love love the feeling of being there. Now this is where I "Feel" good about living.  Realtor took us out to see it. and introduced us to a house just down the street. This is the house. this is it. Buy it now!  It was laid out for us, it wasn't easy we had to work at it thru paperwork and time.  But we are blessed. I love it here. 

Listen to the promptings be patient and wait for the Lords Timing.  One year later and two moves down the road we are settled and ready to get back to serving and forgetting self.

Want and Desire

Preface
Yesterday I wrote about not wanting to go to church anymore.  The word WANT then, was on my mind all night and day! I desired to find why.  I see slight differences in the words Want and Desire both by definition and in the scriptures, this is the result.

My Psalm of Want and Desire!

I Acknowledge thee Oh LORD, I know that thou exists and without thee I am nothing. Lost for sure. Help me.
I Come to Thee in remiss of my mixed emotions, wants and desires. Help me.
I search the WORD for answers and guidance. I seek to know Thee and Thy ways. Help me.
I want so many things that I forget to acknowledge what I have. Forgive me.
I forget to see the truth and the honest desires of my heart. Hear me.
Then recognizing the foundation of my life and the Joy that is therein. I Thank Thee.
I am thankful that the desires have been met of family, freedom, health, and that of being able to go to Church and worship when, where and however I can. Forgive me.
For truly my desire is to Live this Life completely and to find Joy in it with Family and Friends. Thank Thee.
I want in my desire to be fearless and take courage. Hear me.
I desire to see my family on the other side and want for us here in this life still; to be restored as a family forever and for always, to be forgiven and united. I Thank Thee
I want in friendship and desire to be a friend, Help me.
I want to know thee better and understand thy ways I desire to be at Thy side and at Thy feet when You come again, Help me.

At age 8 I did want to be baptized, I desire now to live up to my covenants, Please, Help me!
I am wanting in my habits for good, Forgive me.
I desire to have a change of heart, to not be a sluggard, slothful and greedy but willing to commit, and not willfully rebel, to be honest and have integrity not have the want to be commanded in all things, but the Desire to Daily Choose to follow the commandments. Hear me.
I want to give wholly my sacrifice and offerings; in doing so I desire to be humble, simple and endure to the end. To not want to look back longingly but instead go and do, showing my desire through actions to plant seeds having the desire to see the roots and harvest of the future that is Thy Will for me, I thank Thee.  Amen.

Play Board Games!

"You Don't know what I look like when I'm not in love with you"Stephen VD





What does that mean really?  Are we different people when we are with Different people?  I'm thinking maybe as much as we think we don't change, maybe we do when we are "in love".  I know I use to say things like "We are who we are" and "Our peers don't affect us".  Maybe there is more to it than that. How in the heck do you trust enough to love ...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJjeWDvh6J0


Is it love?  the question was asked and reported here by Temma Ehrenfeld

"Well, I don't mind sounding Clintonian if I say it depends what you mean by "love."

The ancient Greeks had more than 10 words for experiences that we might call love. Eros was a combination of lust and romance. Ludus was uncommitted and playful.

So let's say we're talking about romance. The infatuation, the butterflies, the passion—all spurred on by a little neurotransmitter in our brains known as dopamine. And, yes, dopamine is the chemical behind many of life’s highs, including drug addictions (as the joke goes, “That’s why they call it dope").

That euphoria can last 17 months or more, according to research by Helen Fisher. Dopamine also stimulates the release of testosterone, the “liquor of lust,” along with the same bonding chemicals that make us protective of one another.

The quantities, timing and interactions of those big three—dopamine, testosterone and bonding chemicals--can trigger them to work synergistically or in opposition.

So, love surprises us. You might be in love and have no desire for sex. You might have detached satisfying hookups, only to discover you’re in love. Maybe you’re just friends and fall in love. Or, as the summer romance story goes, you fall in love and part with only fond memories. You can also feel lust for one person, attachment to another and romance with a third—all at the same time.

Then, to complicate matters, your brain’s chemical journey isn’t necessarily the same as your partner’s. That's why romantic love is risky: a “blissful dependency when one’s love is returned, a painful, sorrowful and often destructive craving when one’s love is spurned,” Fisher explains.

Chemistry is real..."

board game bottom left corner
Also only picture we have of this really fun evening!
 Same thing happened with
Apryl and Sean pictures lost forever
- Hold on to your pictures!!!

 ...  how do you know if it's real, what does it matter and  what do you do to keep that "other" person "acting, smelling, bonding" as always as if they are in love with you like it was 'in the beginning'"?  

One of my main answers is simple play board games!!!  Especially in day and age when there really is 'no board' any more even "board games" are played on your electronic devices not "together" to observe in the strategy, tactics  sportsmanship and reaction to THE GAME and really, isn't LOVE just another board game!!!?  We are just simple people that's for sure my example is (pictured here) when we held a wedding reception for Austin and Anona we had board games on the tables I'm glad to report that they have been happily playing board games ever since!

We are what we pretend to be so we need to be careful about what we are pretending.  Aristotle said "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit."
And you know what they say about habits . . . "The chains of habit are too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."    and at times can if you don't break them, break you.

My Mother as you know had her sayings - one of them was ... "Birds of a feather flock together" but when it comes to love, lust and the games we play I'm thinkin that's not entirely true.  Opposites do attract.  Good girls do want the bad boys.  Really isn't that what they did to us in Grease - we wanted her to put on the trashy outfit - she was impatient and didn't hold out for the end of the game and see him switch from the leather jacket to the sweater. . .    but then we are back to my orignal observation who are we when we love someone.


"I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody's going to come and save you, you've got to save yourself. Nobody's going to give you anything; you've got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except for you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. So, don't give up on your dreams."  unknown

this was my motto - "I love you not only for who YOU are, but for who I am When I'm With You."  it shouldn't be different and if it is... play a different game other wise you are going to loose and you won't like who the other person is when she/he doesn't love you

Just my thought for the day.

Today sucked!

General Conference is coming up.  Like King Benjamin President Thomas S. Monson

(not OMonson!! like my primary class called him today!) will talk to us. Be prepared. 

I heard two thoughts today that I'm tossin' around, need to process and then Please God, help me GO and DO.

1.  When we tell ourselves we are "too fat",  or other such defeatest attitudes that start with "I cannot" ... that is Satan.  He does not have a body (he choose that) but anyway he is jealous of the fact that we do have bodies so he wants us to fail and he uses the body as a tool to bring us down.

2.  Stamina is in the mind more than the body.  I can't remember if I heard it on Amazing Race or Celebrity Apprentice, none the less -- It rings true.  I keep thinking I can't keep up, it's in my head first then I act on that thought.. I know that, I teach that.  But after today at primary, I'm not sure I can, do or ever will again teach anything to anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not going into all this just leaving it there.  Think about it.