Want and Desire

Preface
Yesterday I wrote about not wanting to go to church anymore.  The word WANT then, was on my mind all night and day! I desired to find why.  I see slight differences in the words Want and Desire both by definition and in the scriptures, this is the result.

My Psalm of Want and Desire!

I Acknowledge thee Oh LORD, I know that thou exists and without thee I am nothing. Lost for sure. Help me.
I Come to Thee in remiss of my mixed emotions, wants and desires. Help me.
I search the WORD for answers and guidance. I seek to know Thee and Thy ways. Help me.
I want so many things that I forget to acknowledge what I have. Forgive me.
I forget to see the truth and the honest desires of my heart. Hear me.
Then recognizing the foundation of my life and the Joy that is therein. I Thank Thee.
I am thankful that the desires have been met of family, freedom, health, and that of being able to go to Church and worship when, where and however I can. Forgive me.
For truly my desire is to Live this Life completely and to find Joy in it with Family and Friends. Thank Thee.
I want in my desire to be fearless and take courage. Hear me.
I desire to see my family on the other side and want for us here in this life still; to be restored as a family forever and for always, to be forgiven and united. I Thank Thee
I want in friendship and desire to be a friend, Help me.
I want to know thee better and understand thy ways I desire to be at Thy side and at Thy feet when You come again, Help me.

At age 8 I did want to be baptized, I desire now to live up to my covenants, Please, Help me!
I am wanting in my habits for good, Forgive me.
I desire to have a change of heart, to not be a sluggard, slothful and greedy but willing to commit, and not willfully rebel, to be honest and have integrity not have the want to be commanded in all things, but the Desire to Daily Choose to follow the commandments. Hear me.
I want to give wholly my sacrifice and offerings; in doing so I desire to be humble, simple and endure to the end. To not want to look back longingly but instead go and do, showing my desire through actions to plant seeds having the desire to see the roots and harvest of the future that is Thy Will for me, I thank Thee.  Amen.

We are Both Broken

This morning I had an epiphany!  It is that in Marriage we (the couple whoever the two people are) are both broken.  Religion aside when two people come together they merge with a past, world experience differences, and a slew of different habits.  Who are we to judge?  Seems our job is to only,  if we love each other and ourselves then we can help each other become better people everyday.  The first thing to do is accept that we are both broken.

I read others blogs and I learn, empathize and even get jealous because I want to write like they do.  My goal as I write I remind myself is to learn, demonstrate empathy and share the ability to grow progress improve with each experience, thought and lesson I have Daily!

It's time to move on....

Don't be a HateR

I HATE MY LIFE!    LIFE SUCKS!   HE SAID?  SHE SAID?  IT's NOT MY FAULT. HE DID IT!   

Once upon a time I used to work at a job that wasn't at my home.  When I was first married in fact I worked at place where I rotated shifts, sometimes  days, sometimes nights, sometimes all night.  It was a ruff way to start out.  My husband worked days and went to school for awhile, he was a Route Supervisor and that took 50 hours a week so he actually quit his job and went to work at Circle K working graveyard and still going to school full time, now that was fun!  By now in our lives we had two children.  I've told you this before I like the work place, but people are not kind there (to be clear, some are) but the majority are not, they are kicking and screaming to get to the top, get a raise, survive til they go home again, on and on we could go ...  and shift work PLZZZZZ they Hate each other!  

Why is it that people actually hate?  It seems almost cool now, in todays world to be a Hater, why is that? 

Hate and love are so close and yet so far away on the scale of balance that there is no balance.  

It's been on my mind all week this dilema  of love and hate, love 'em and leave 'em, how many times do we shatter someone else's reputation, when do we, how do we love the porcupine?

Art, Music, poetry, movies, stories, articles, crime and passion are just about all related to as 

Love Stories and/or Hate Crimes.

Do we apply, learn, ever go fix anything? 


The Scriptures are full to the brim of stories of Love and Hate, people and families, places and circumstance to apply, learn and teach by.   Today in my seminary class we talked about judging and gossip, reputations, hate and love.  If you believe in Jesus Christ or not as a Messiah or Jehovah His story is an example that we can apply, learn from and use to better our lives in general.  It is the easier road to judge, criticize, tear down and destroy - much easier to say I HATE THAT!  At times on Facebook I wish there was a dislike button, but isn't it nice that there isn't, saving us from ourselves!?

In the New Testament we are taught "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
But I think that most often we forget the rest of it "For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."   Matthew Jesus sat down to eat with the publicans and the sinners as well as his apostles and family.  Do I, sit down with everyone alike?  I like to think that I do, but probably not.   
Once Austin told me that he just "didn't know what my kids could do that I wouldn't forgive them or judge them".  I tell ya, I hold that sacred, close to my heart that he thought that well of me.  In High School I pretty much think I was nicer to the friend who didn't have my same standards than I was to the ones who did, because IN MY JUDGMENT they weren't kind --because they were so judgmental!  It's a anomaly! 
Matthew, my nephew once said to one of my kids that "if someone needed a home, I wasn't going to kick them out".  I like to think that it's true, I always thought my Dad was like these compliments my family gave me - I always wanted to foster children because I watched him have so many extra kids around the riding stables, I was always jealous of them being able to be around the horses, my brothers, and my Daddy.

The Spirit of the Lord is a spirit of kindness; it is a spirit of patience; it is a spirit of charity and love and forbearance and long suffering ... Lucifer is exercising every means to destroy the souls of the human family. He is more active than he has ever been and he works in such an insidious way. I will not take time to enumerate the many ways he employs but there is one way in which he operates, and has operated from the beginning of the world, and that is to tempt one individual to destroy the reputation of another by saying unkind things of them .. It is so easy to criticize someone else, so easy to find fault, and sometimes we speak harshly of our neighbors and friends.    --George A. Smith

but let's be real...we all judge, criticize murmur maybe even hate  I pray we can find the strength to overcome to forgive, forget not judge, not gossip, not ruin reputations making that persons problems bigger, but be kind, love them without being walked on and let people into our lives, accept "the sinner", even if we don't approve of what we call "the sin".

"Angry People are not always wise"

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” 

The quotes are from  -  Pride and Prejudice

I want to say that I hold no regrets

I want to say that I have no vengeance

I want to say that I pray for him

I want to say that he is a Son to me

I want to clarify I support her

I want to admit I played a bigger role than I should have

I want to ask for forgiveness

I want to scream I don't need any

I want to be angry

I beg to gather them both up in my arms and say; "all is well"

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” 

Instead I am writing

Instead I am praying

Instead I am loving from afar

Instead analyzing the foundation

Instead I am recognizing time as it flew by

Instead I am attempting to make sense of it all

I beg to ask "Why did you hate that you loved her?"

“I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.” 

My mind reruns all the memories

My heart hears all the conversations

My eye sees the Good, the bad and the ugly

My perspective is that I loved, supported, chastened and let go but not in time

I beg to ask what happened? What about the covenants? Where is your testimony? When is it wrong to be kind? How do you know when to let go? How many times do you start over, forgive and forget? How does one forget?  What is it that you NEED to remember to never make that mistake again?

“I might as well enquire,” replied she, “why with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character?”

I send out messages

I send out love

I send out forgiveness

I send out a need for closure

I send out positive, needful prayers

I beg to ask Why did I not see "The Red Flags"?

"Pardon me for interrupting you madam," cried Mr. Collins; "but if she is really headstrong and foolish, I know not whether she would altogether be a very desirable wife to a man in my situation, who naturally looks for happiness in the marriage state.  If therefore she actually persists in rejecting my suit, perhaps it were better not to force her into accepting me, because if liable to such defects of temper, she could not contribute much to my felicity."

I am not angry

I want to say I love you  - "I Love You!"

Instead I close a book

My voice it does not slander

I send out my Perspective

I beg to be able to let go of something I can not control.

"Angry people are not always wise"    but    Happy people know when to let go....

My hope is if I put my perspective out there I indeed can both be happy and let go

KSMSTHEMOM