Chapters

The more things change the more they stay the same ... Or Do They?  

who am I and more important what is my life style

whats my "cause"? 

whats yours?

what brings me Joy?

you?

whats my lifestyle?

and you what is your lifestyle?  

Am I a Two Story farmhouse girl? A sandy beach house girl? A skyscraper woman? or a Trailer Rat? Am I a night time rambler or a Spanish Mansion? I think I might be a row house without a row! When I was a teenager I had the dream of a wrap around porch and dormers. When I was in college I thought a salt box was the way to go; stands alone one personality presents itself to the entrance and one to the back yard Strong and independent.  I had a dream once that I was in a house with long dark hallways and lots of rooms and so we bought the Ginny Lane house! I had a spiritual experience once that presented me the elusive "white house with a red roof" and it has been my vision ever since! What lifestyle lies in that house for me and why do I care? What kind of a house are you and is the house the life style? 

Profile

Today I was wondering why my profile pics in comparison to others is an older one from the past.  The answer inside my head was "I guess I liked myself then".  Which got me to thinking!
I was impulsive and acted often without thinking!!  It's nice being young and not knowing your family is poor or dysfunctional. In other blog entries I've skimmed lightly over my life history, stopping at my Young adult years of which that journal has been burned and only a few pictures remain; thank goodness social media waited for me to finish that section of my life before being fully instituted!!! This year I have the goal to not look back longingly. I have over these last few months been inspired with the phrase "Thru Him you can fix this."  April seems to be my worst month, my month of wanting to look back longingly.  The last 3 years have been so soul searching ... so weightganingly depressing, so looking back longingly. Now a days Richard is having his own searching conundrum. Anyway, I had all those thoughts in like a second after asking myself why I use old pics as a profile picture?!!!

and thus we see 

I liked myself! and then I haven't!  I want to again, but first I want to understand why I didn't and then have a change of heart.

Lets get on the magic school bus and go back

When have I "liked" myself? ...

I liked me as a kid

I liked me as a tween

I had my dislike moments as a teenager

What families did I like and fit in with and why...

DH...It was great being here. Family, chaos, love all kinds of personalities we were kids it was awesome. Residential  she built her own firepit patio with Brick BBQ

JH... I loved her home her mom was great everything was pristine and so I prbly felt like it was out of my league For heavens sake they had a living room with a piano in it!!!!

RG...I really liked the parents I fit in with them the siblings didn't like me so much! Rambler

TG.. loved being there, loved the siblings, parents didn't really love me that much so I may have been always on guard residential rambler with a basement

BP... hated me rambler with a pool (kinda!)

Young...I felt like It was a dream I'd never get this the farm, the attention, but the bars - awkward! Ranch in the mountains

ECP...they taught me what my lifestyle was suppose to be like. I wanted this. Everything about this I wanted. The dad the mom the siblings the house the yard the chores the respect the fighting the making up the prayers before bed the forever bonds. Residential 2 story

GB... love I could be myself here, well I wanted to be myself - I was still on guard except with Gunga and Papa they were real and non judgmental! small humble residential pool pool pool patio brick BBQ

The Stables... I loved it there. I wanted to be comfortable there, but no one around me was comfortable - they were afraid of Daddy and Tom - They knew I was not suppose to fit it. I never had a chance to see if this was my life style.

JA... No that was my time to be who ever I wanted. College apts, 20 something friends, I saw some things! I was comfortable and then guilty maybe in this house. In her family home I was always comfortable and loved the beach, weird for me cuz I don't like to lay in the sun or get in the ocean. I loved the camaraderie the since of people connecting going to lounge and visit, tortillas and salmon, brain tacos, drinking (me soda) and dancing, sleeping and family. I loved it I loved it all. BUT! I was Very uncomfortable with the second language.

VinDel I was the happiest here with this family! weird. I was part of something. I prbly did things with this family that teenagers do that I never did. OOOooops! But the family. I wanted the family. They did everything together. The drama, the love, the drinking, the hugging, the races, the religion, the chatting, the friend shipping, the dreaming it was all done together. No one covered up anything or anyway it didn't seem to me as if they did. They spoke english!!!!

lots more houses homes people have influenced me these are the highlights!

I love the quote  - 

“At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Now for my houses so many, too many to count...highlights! thinking Lifestyle thats it at this point!

skipping the childhood for now - thats a whole other chapter.

Spool table first apt.

garden boxes first trailer home!

patio patio patio

hated the condo

liked didn't love the luxury apts

back yard tinkering

pool

happiest in the house with the dommers but happy inside it with the wood stove and the family

large family rooms

pool hot tub fire pit

cool back yard for get togethers anyone and everyone

pretty much inside is for family outside for get togethers but in the rain country need space inside for all too I loved it love love loved it when my seminary kids or friends of the children came over

lake beach 

view 

and thus we see 

My lifestyle is patios BBQs water but to look at not really swim in and People!

I hope people remember how they "felt" and that it was good, and comfortable that they felt loved when being at my house 

Thats my goal, my vision my lifestyle!

How is being 59 any different than being 19?

So how am I at 59 the same or different and what and how has that made me who I am today.  The deal is I feel like the same person, yet I know I am different and maybe I don't want to be I want to be FUN, impulsive and full of Sass vs jaded, anxious and full!  Also note here I still write with question marks and exclamation points that has not changed. My grammar is definitely still me no matter the age!!  The more things change at 59 for me are they really any different or am I any different that I was a 19?  The point being you ask? I don't know it's just always running thru my brain every day and today I am writing it down!!  I want their to be a point I want to gain something and for you out there striving to find discover, or answer that inner voice asking yourself;  whats my life style, what kind of a house am I? Not the whole where did I come from thing? more because of life experiences who am I is it true that inside we are always still that same 17 year old kid cuz back then i would have said; sex drugs and rock'n roll and today I say sex drugs and rock'n roll with a different attitude are they the same how has it changed? Whats the perspective? the lifestyle? and why do I write like I'm talking to someone and expecting feedback?

Then and now... (19 and 59)

sex

I think its changed. definitely still happening, still talked about.
1950's;  “A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.” 
― Marilyn Monroe
1990's “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all. None of them liked art or music. They just wanted to fight and get laid. It was many years ago but it gave me this real hatred for the average American macho male.” 
― Kurt Cobain
this century “I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” 
― Margaret Cho
Growing up it was talked about in my home "NO NO NO NO NO"! I feel like I talked about it with my kids, but they seem to not have heard what I think I said! I always swore it was Clintons fault that it changed so in the media.  Back in the day my first response would have been words like Curious, Reverence and Marriage. Now sadly my first response is Preference?, Porn, Abuse, fear and human trafficking.

drugs

Still out there. Still prevalent in most peoples lives in one way or another. Talked about way more openly which seems like it would help in the avoidance of addiction, but I don't really see that. Legal use of pills and weed are taking peoples free agency away not aiding in it.

rock'nRoll or Country!!  

Music is a mood enhancer and a mood killer. I can't find music anymore for the me that is me now.  Help!!!  I like it all from late 60's / early 70s's country/Western, Rock and Motown and then the 90's!

I still want music in my life and it hasn't changed at all what I like. For instance the other day I swept with a small brush sand into place around patio rock and listened to a playlist called "light" yes inspirational almost religious songs. It was deeply methodical and relaxing I discovered that I really enjoyed the combination of the two things. Then this morning I listened to a playlist entitled "Should I stay or should I go" In the midst of it I was crying and depressed and searching again for who I am, not very motivational for a work out!!!

Rejection 

I think this might be my toughest one. My most sensitive one that I work on today.  One of my sons told me recently he reads my blog but I "should write more present day" - hum I think I've found a topic. I don't write present day cuz it's so "out there" then! (I guess that goes with my Profile picture thought! hum!) I didn't know this was an issue with me until right now! But I know it's the same at 19 that it is today at 59 I'm just not sure what "it" is!!!  I find myself asking is it rejection or attachment that I fear? 

Women in the work force

I used to say, when I was a (out in the work force) "working" mom and wife. "Someday I am going to write a book about working (out in the work force) women and the men that put them there"!  I'd still like to write that book but I bet my perspective would be different. 

On being pregnant

When My Mom was pregnant she did everything she could to hide such an embarrassing fact. Big tent tops and dresses totally loose fitting clothing no discussion with anyone about this topic.

The First time being pregnant I gained lots of weight - attitude going to gain weight anyway - take lots and get lost in group photos!!

My last pregnancy I gained the least amount of weight ... already had the extra pounds gained! - take photos and hide behind anyone I could.

Todays pregnancy she only gains the amount of the baby weight and wears tight fitted clothes or none and poses for lots of pictures on social media.
Pregnancy still happens but yes it's changed.

Repentance

then it was all about releasing all the guilt to someone now it's a real change of heart actually not wanting to do that (whatever it is) again.  It's why I am overweight right. I haven't had a change of heart. I still want to eat. 

eating

which leads me to eating!  then my metabolism would allow me to eat whatever whenever and burn thru it. Now I want to still do that and I still do do that and Bam! so this has changed and stayed the same I can control some of it but not all -- I hate stuff I can't control ... now that has not changed not sure it ever will!!!!

watching TV

I grew up watching TV alone with the family with friends. We all watched it together and laughed and cried and talked about it AT THE SAME TIME!  I still watch tv,  alone with ... Richie!!! No one does it at the same time any more!!!! So lost the connectivity there with all the availablity, plus not too much really good shows on anymore that a person can watch!  Tv is still there that hasn't changed, but WOW TV is very different.

Death

People die. Tim died. When daddy died I fell apart even more than I knew until just recently. When my sister died part of me died inside -the part where hope and bonding live, I learned about how we say; "we mourn with those that mourn" just ... well it wasn't true for me, I felt I was alone no one mourned with me. But then Tom Timmy Uncle Otis Aunt El never so empty as when Mom died. So death is the same people are still gone. What has changed is ... in life I see thru my own experiences the things these people attempted to teach me to my face that it took them being out of reach for me to "get it", catch on truly have more wisdom with the age of 59 than 19! 

and thus we see 

Life creates the lifestyle and because of it we are who we are so, Accept yourself. More than that don't judge others or attempt to be who you think they are, cuz they aren't that person at all!!! The house; it's home because of who you share it with. Love yourself pamper yourself teach yourself - Only You can save You!  Never give up and Remember who you are!

I "POaST" about my life ... A thought about why we are who we are

Our childhood experiences can be very significant in the shaping of our lives. At that time we are most dependent, most vulnerable, and most needful of love, acceptance and belonging. Our parents and significant others are our role models, the course of most of our satisfactions. We identify with these models, good or bad, not so much intellectually as emotionally.  These experiences, positive and negative, have the cumulative effect of giving to us a script.  We normally think of a script as an actor’s written part which he learns, memorizes, and acts out on stage. It not only involves his/her words and actions but also his/her attitude or frame of mind, indeed his/her character. It becomes his/her part, his role.

All of us have scripts given to us which become our parts, our roles. I emphasize again that these scripts are more emotional, more subtly absorbed than they are intellectually or consciously chosen. They rise out of our deep vulnerabilities, our deep dependency upon others, and our absolutely screaming needs for acceptance and love, for belonging, for a sense of importance and worth, for a feeling that we matter.

All of this does not mean we are necessarily controlled by these scripts, but it does mean we are powerfully influenced by them. The difference between being influenced by and being determined by is 180 degrees. Determinism, whether it be genetic, psychic, or environmental, is false doctrine. In one sense the underlying assumption and tone of this entire column is self-determinism, that we can learn to write our own scripts, that we can re-script ourselves, that we can identify with new models, have new relationships with true scripts, true models – divine ones. Just consider the word scripture itself. In the gospel context, is not one possible meaning “true scripts’?

However in spite of the gospel, scripts written and developed early in life, pounded in by powerful emotional experiences – even traumatic ones – become deeply imbedded within our natures; and they may have influence upon us for the rest of our lives unless equally powerful, even traumatic, experiences divinely erase them and write new ones in the “fleshy tables of the heart”.  This is why those first 8 years of life are so critical, so supremely important.

-Stephen Covey

I don't have time for a Mess like you!

Ok these dreams have got to stop...  

What I am noticing with the dreams is that they are starting to connect in the way that they have same components; children; mine and other peoples, water, forms of transportation;bus,train,trucks!, and mom has been showing up more and more?????  Last nights dream had too -2 (TWO) Bridges.....

At first I was with Amric.  I get that he wrote yesterday, My mind would go there - right?  We were walking and he was discussing his testimony, goals and clothes he's wearing! As we moved behind him was a giant TV screen (before I dreamt about a screen also) it was playing his life; especially showing "changes" he is making in his life time.  I turned to get on a big black bus and when I looked back he was gone.  I got on the bus and went to meet Richard, but instead it was Ayris she was there with a really really good man with kinda curly hair, he had a bike and was walking with beside her with balloons and life was fun and colorful!!! Then Mom was with them. Then she was with me and we were walking...

We then ended up in a football field and it changed it was all tumbleweeds no more color - brown and gray. It was lined with paint to look like trailer spaces then keys then recliners and a guy sitting in a recliner watching TV (could've been Richard? but it seemed like he was with Ayris).  Because then we were in a baseball field nice brown dirt the line from the tumbleweeds led to the bases on the field surrounded by lots of beautiful green grass.  Next to it was a log house full of adults with children and I got off of the bus and went inside as if I was with this group of people.

Richard drove up in a long bed red truck with a trailer behind it.  He parked it under a carport.  Children were everywhere in all the rooms and on the rafters it seems like!  I was responsible for a few of them.  An adult came in with pot and I threw it in a garbage can.  I went into the bathroom and on the counter was a bottle of pills when I opened it - it had all colors of pills in it, I took it for fear the kids would eat them.  Then I grabbed the pot in the garbage can and of course went to burn it!!!  This I was doing to "save" the children.


It seems like is was a school field trip of sorts, for the adults started to gather the kids and put them back on the bus and gradually they were all gone - Again, except me and Richard and whoever was in that truck with him.  That was weird cuz then we the 3 of us drove off in that truck.  Richard was driving and the kid was in the back seat.  I crawled into the back where there was a carpet kit in the bed of the truck!  We drove a for really long time. 








I must have moved into the cab cuz we were all back together and we started down into a canyon and we were headed to cross a bridge that, when we got there was storming and wind and water was blowing over it...I can still see this bridge and feel the fear of crossing it. I very scared.  Richard backed the truck up and was going to cross it backwards!   The kid (I'm still not sure who this person is) in the back said no you can't do this and took over driving.  
We drove up out of the canyon the sun was bright and the sky blue and we could see this bridge ahead of us it was huge and beautiful old, cement, sturdy and strong looking and as we drove it got dark and the bridge then lit up and looked so pretty against the black sky.

Now it would seem as if that was a great ending, but when I woke up I was crying, no bawling like a crazy woman - a mess!  Totally messed up by the feeling in this dream.  Oh My Gosh - Who would have time for a Mess like me!!! I certainly don't.  ridiculous - what are these dreams trying to tell me?

Interpretation:

I'm still working on that one!  I'll be back!  I have a life you know and other stuff to do!


Ok I'm back.......... this is what I've found;
Dead 
To see or talk to the dead in your dream forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in your life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it.

Bus 
To dream that you are waiting for a bus indicates a temporary setback in achieving your personal goals...To dream that you are riding a bus implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and control over where your life is taking.
Children 
To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within...To save a child in your dream signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.
Drugs 
To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix" or an escape from reality.

Athletic Field 
To see or dream that you are on an athletic field represents the challenges that you are facing in your waking life. It also refers to your competitive nature.
Cabin 
To see or dream that you are in a wood cabin indicates that you will succeed via your own means. It suggests that you are self-reliant and independent, yet still remain humble. You prefer the simpler things in life.
Pick-Up Truck 
To see a pick-up truck in your dream represents hard work. You need to return to the basics. 
Bridge 
To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one.

Well there I have it.  I am officially A Mess!
note to self; in looking for the visual interpretation of this dream, a childhood dream was brought to my mind - in it a bridge.  The bridge ran across a canyon, a red rock canyon.  There was a storm, lightning, it was night and the bridge fell - with it my family fell too we were driving a black car while crossing it, I just remember still to this day FALLING from that bridge!  WOW!

No More Desire To Do Evil!

Don't let your imagination run away with you.

I am striving to be more fun!  Too not worry so much.  The problem for me is that when I did just "let down my hair" BE that FUN person, I couldn't do it and not cross lines, getting myself into trouble.  People who that is a problem for them - they are fun and laugh without crossing lines - well they don't understand "wound up tight" people like me.  

A person who does create problems in my head, who isn't worry free, who has seen the problem first hand so it's not unreasonable to "go there".  

One of my favorite people was a friend and a teacher she has 11 children she knew how to have fun and I think she was most perfect. She was a missionary without reserve.  She could associate with everyone. When she passed away her funeral wasn't so sad, like some because you knew that while she was here, she enjoyed life everyday and taught her kids to do that too.  It's my goal to be more like her.  

For if I truly have become a better person I should be able to have fun without crossing lines.  I'm gonna give it a shot.  For I do believe my "heart has changed and I have no more desire to do evil..."  as said in Alma 19:33  I think that I may have not just been protecting myself, but creating a problem where there wasn't even one in the first place.

"progress is not possible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.". Gbshaw

I have several days where I journal that I'm in bed with migraines. I remember in high school getting meds for them and the doctor teaching me to put ice in a tube sock and drape it around my neck to numb the pain. Then living in the dark with silence for 3 days!!!! These headaches seem to come from the McCoy side, my dad got them really bad too! I have not done that for a long long while. I note here that often in the mornings I would wake up knowing that one was on it's way, but if I got up and went to seminary anyway and taught my class I didn't have to have the migraine, I always felt and noted that it was a blessing from God.

Well this week I had a return of the migraine!! Wow knocked me out cold!!! I kept trying to get up and go and do but instead lay there like I was in a comma!! All I seem to be able to think about was camp! I then kept trying to deceide why do I have this headache? So number one I have been eating crappy, with no exercise and two I'm letting myself worry too much about camp. Three i cant figure out how to use the knew computer quickly enough!!!! Thus the cycle has begun. Worry, frustration, eat, headache!!
I want to be in control and need discipline, (did you know or ever think about discipline being part of the word disciple that's just a deep thought). Well because I kept journals and am blogging I can learn, see cycles and break them. Thus findings that "wisdom is knowledge rightly applied". Break the cycle. Expect change by doing something different to break the cycle, now that's ironic since I always ALWAYS cry - "I don't like change"!!!