I've never not wanted to go to Church

Knowing that I am a sinner and knowing church is for the sinner then believing it's also for the saint 

I always want to go to church, I never not wanted to go to church. Worthy to be there or not alone or with family. Since I can remember, I liked how it felt.

When we first moved from Colorado to Arizona I was a child of 3 or 4
My sister was a senior in High School and VERY upset that our parents had
taken her away from her friends, her school indeed her very Life!
She did not want to go to church.
I remember standing in that motel that Sunday looking up at her and saying
"Strangers are only friends we haven't met yet"    Now I ask myself - How on earth did I  know that at such a young age?  I believe it was a gift given to me at birth.

The Child, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, to please Mom - maybe, but it was more than that.

When I was young I went to church with my mom, my brother for awhile, but not my Dad, sister or the eldest brother.  In my world the only thing that brought my mother happiness, where I really remember seeing her glow and be at peace show happiness was going to church.  My daddy didn't go to church, he told everyone he was Mormon but he wasn't, he wasn't because he didn't want to go to church.  The sad part for me was no body knew my Dad in fact most believed I was being raised by a single mom for one reason or another.  The happy part for me was those people, those church people became my family.  They helped raise me.
Recently I realized that the act of going to church actually taught me several things.  For My Mother to whom I am so grateful  - for it is she who took me to church every Sunday.  In that ONE thing I learned the importance of so many other things; being on time, listening, to look nice "because how you dress is a reflection of how you feel about yourself", Mom taught me to "sit still and listen", she allowed no snacks (which taught me self discipline or at least the need of it!), if given an assignment to fulfill I did it - being taught "you don't say no to a calling" and "responsibility",  she insisted on no gum - she said "it looks sloppy", the reassurance of a good hand shake and a smile that "it is polite to greet people with kindness and sincerity",  the art of speaking in public, to sing, to pray and to be part of something bigger than myself.  All lessons learned because I went to church. 

The Youth, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, even just for me!

Even when I wasn't choosing to DO the things My Mother thought that I Should be doing.  Even when I wasn't doing what I thought I Should be Doing.  I always went to church.  I always Wanted to go to church.  Looking back and recognizing my issue with self discipline I'm thinking church is a place I can learn, feel, recognize to be the only place I can see that I exercised self discipline.  That at church, for how ever long it was, I engaged in self discipline in lots of different aspects.  Because my Mother taught me to go to church every Sunday.

The Young Adult

The Sinner  I always want to go to church, alone.

For about 7 years I ward hopped!  Jumping ship as soon as someone knew who I was.  I didn't want to get to close, let anyone in, be hurt, let them down, be asked to do anything.  I felt like a failure.  I wasn't living up to the high expectations I had been taught that were expectations of Mom and of myself.  The expectations I had of myself, not even just the ones I knew that My Mother had of me. But I in fact still ... always wanted to go to church.  And I went.  I followed my sister to Rocky Point where she almost one handedly started her own ward up and we went to church! I jumped from ward to ward in Provo, California and Mesa. Being a single young adult and going to church!

The Young Married

The Sinner and striving saint!  I always want to go to church, with my family.

I married a man who loved me.  A man who accepted me for me, who knew and loved everything about me.  I have learned over the years, especially in the last few years you can't do any better than that.  In the beginning I tried to push him away.  He didn't go to church, he smoked and drank - I didn't and remember... I always wanted to go to church.  He went with me to church and has continued to do so for, well coming up on 34 years (2014)!  I will forever be in debt to a woman who knew what I needed and didn't follow the spirit by the book but drew outside of the lines and gave me a job in the church that kept me, reminded me of my covenants and goals and the need of going to church.  Being young married with kids and jobs and responsibilities is hard, tiresome and tricky to balance.  Going to church when you don't want to remember all the things you both teach and learn with the choice of going and of not going!  It's not only about you at this point!!!!

The Mom in the nursery, the primary, Mutual, Scouts, Sunday School, or Sacrament Mtg.

I always wanted to go to church with my family.  I taught my children the same things taught to me by my mother while doing the ONE thing ... going to church!  Sit still, be on time, wear a white shirt or a nice dress, don't run in the chapel, don't whisper while others are speaking, use your "church voice" and on and on you get my drift!  I hope and pray they always want to go to church. I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ. I know that going to church and to the Temple are uplifting, The commandments and as I have stated teach more than just the act of going to church.  I believe in families being forever. I know that Joseph Smith went to a grove away from the busy hub-bub of the world he lived in to find a quiet place and pray and ask, (because he consistently read in his scriptures and in them was directed to ask questions) his Heavenly Father what church he should go to.  I have a knowledge of the atonement and have felt the burden of sin be lifted from me.  I know the Book of Mormon is truly a witness of family, a history of peoples in the new world and Jesus Christ.  I have lost every member of my immediate family and could not have gotten thru any of that with out the knowledge of the plan of salvation.

The Wife, the semi empty nester. I don't want to go to church.

We have moved again, for maybe the 40th time in our marriage.  I have two bedrooms in this house set up to "look" as if I still have children at home.  But I don't.  I am busy organizing, doing family histories, writing missionaries, and ... well thats about it.  We go to church, we don't know anyone, only one person has spoken to me in 4 months (2014).  I swore this time, this move I would act more aggressive be more "in your face" and "I want to know you and fit in".  But I haven't.  It's even harder to do without kids and without seminary.  Richard has gone with me to Sunday School, but he too has not had one person talk to him.  They gave us a calling in the ward, that of being a missionary - which I think I said I would do, maybe even covenanted that I'd do when I got baptized back when I was 8 years old! I ask myself; "Aren't you (when I say you I mean I) already a missionary if you are a family member, friend, home teacher, visiting teacher???"  I have talked to people about my religion. It is especially easier when my sons were on their missions in Spain, Ohio and California.   I have taught classes and worked hard at being a "missionary" in all my days, thinking; "I hope one thing I say might convert one".  But this calling, working with my husband, as missionaries it's not going so good and we find ourselves not wanting to go to church.  My heart is heavy and sad and I'm not sure where to go next with this one.  I feel failure and heaviness so much in my life already, I'm not sure I need this to add to that very long list. I am lost.  Because I don't want to go to church.

The Adult, The senior citizen, the wife, the mom, the grandmother. I want to go to church

I was asked a question today about going to church and it prompted me to look for this old blog post.  In rereading it I am so grateful that I wrote it and yet again it is confirmed to me that writing is a blessing, a gift and completely necessary for my survival.  You'll be surprised to learn that we have moved twice since I originally wrote this and thus attended church in a couple new places.  An update on the missionary calling - I did all that I could do in the which I could control, without him because he just wasn't into it at that point in his life. Also I read a book front to back which I hadn't done in years; The Power of Everyday Missionaries, a reminder that we really need to endeavour daily to be positive happy people projecting to others what we positively believe in and know to be true.  From then on I've been ask to be a "grandma at church" and teach little children, it's had its ups and downs, my issues with attachment and anxiety being the draw backs here!  Because I never had the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents or cousins to bond with I recognize and appreciate the need for the church family.  The thing I've learned is to forget myself and go to work (I think I've heard that before!?) When I sit home and mope about being fat or missing the "good ole days" with my seminary kids, being sad cuz my childhood family is dead or wishing my kids live closer and that they all wanted to go to church (sidenote; that is when my mom would shut down and be depressed - those days when she blamed herself for the lack of church in the lives of her children, thats when the light left her), well that too is when I am thinking only of myself, it does me NO GOOD. But when I serve, study, endeavour to be something positive, remember that I can only control myself and and remember the things I learned becasue I never didn't want to go to church, thats when life is better for me.  I am so glad that I, only for a twinkling of an eye didn't want to go to church and hope and pray that I, moving forward, sinner or saint status ALWAYS WANT TO GO TO CHURCH as my Mother taught me for this is MY CHOICE!!!
 You hear me make it your one thing Believe in going to church every sunday!!! Wherever you are Sinner and Saint! #gotochurch #sinnerandsaint #familyfirst #forgetyourselfandgotowork #rememberwhoyouare  Also ONE MORE THING!  look around you when you get there ask yourself "Who looks like they don't want to be there" and go say "HI!" #speakup #bekind #gotochurch  

No More Desire To Do Evil!

Don't let your imagination run away with you.

I am striving to be more fun!  Too not worry so much.  The problem for me is that when I did just "let down my hair" BE that FUN person, I couldn't do it and not cross lines, getting myself into trouble.  People who that is a problem for them - they are fun and laugh without crossing lines - well they don't understand "wound up tight" people like me.  

A person who does create problems in my head, who isn't worry free, who has seen the problem first hand so it's not unreasonable to "go there".  

One of my favorite people was a friend and a teacher she has 11 children she knew how to have fun and I think she was most perfect. She was a missionary without reserve.  She could associate with everyone. When she passed away her funeral wasn't so sad, like some because you knew that while she was here, she enjoyed life everyday and taught her kids to do that too.  It's my goal to be more like her.  

For if I truly have become a better person I should be able to have fun without crossing lines.  I'm gonna give it a shot.  For I do believe my "heart has changed and I have no more desire to do evil..."  as said in Alma 19:33  I think that I may have not just been protecting myself, but creating a problem where there wasn't even one in the first place.

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 2004

Sternly warrior go and do

When the first one left I was just so excited I didn't know what to expect
When the second one left I was just so proud of his choice to go
Now the last one is leaving I'm terrified of crashing and never pulling myself out if it!! Ugh !!! Sad tonight.
He got his hair cut off today.
His jobs are done.
Christmas is right around the corner.
He speaks in church tomorrow.
Reality is setting in.
I don't know what chapter this is, but life will never ever be the same again!
Help me I think I'm Fallin'
It is a sacrifice this thing they do to go and serve
I pray for him and this next two (2) years for us all to survive it. At least I admit I'm falling! Richie is and he just can't see it or admit it either one it's gonna be tuff on him.
Retreading these letters has been good, life is a process we all should be growing moving forward looking up, Amric always has and has always wanted to be a missionary warrior!!
Man I love him and he will be missed((hugs)))

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 1993

I am grateful for "Z" - Zeal

 I am grateful for Zeal in people!  

"Never let your Zeal outrun your charity, the former is human the latter Divine." Hosea Ballou

"A zealous man in religion is pre-eminently a man of one thing. It is not enough to say that he is earnest, hearty, uncompromising, thorough-going, whole-hearted, fervent in spirit. He sees one thing, he cares for one thing, he lives for one thing, he is swallowed-up in one thing — and that one thing is to please God. Whether he lives — or whether he dies; whether he has health — or whether he has sickness; whether he is rich — or whether he is poor; whether he pleases man — or whether he gives offence; whether he is thought wise — or whether he is thought foolish; whether he gets blame — or whether he gets praise; whether he gets honor, or whether he gets shame — for all this the zealous man cares nothing at all. He burns for one thing — and that one thing is to please God, and to advance God's glory...this is what I mean when I speak of "zeal in Religion".  JC Ryle

That's lots of Zeal!  My sister would have called that a Fanatic!!!  I kinda call it Passion.  The dictionary in fact refers to  it as fanaticism thus my thought is... not to go over board and become a zealot, but to exercise moderation in all things showing zeal and Passion would be something pleasing to God and all around you.

The ten virgins were some zealous, some not?  The rule vs the spirit?  "Doctrine understood, changes behavior" -Packer.  When we understand our eternal perspective our hearts burn for the spirit of the law and our minds want to seek after more knowledge of the law and want to live it.

Some people live by the "letter of the law", some the "spirit of the law".  I use to think the letter to be the best way but as age has come upon me I am more to think that a person can fall if he or she only lives the letter of the law and never feels the spirit of the law.  What good does it do you to follow the "the white book" to the letter of the law, if you have no feel for the spirit of the "the white book"?  As in all things a person needs moderation, meditation, self motivation,  and to believe in the thing he or she has ZEAL for or there is no Zeal and one will fall.

John Wesley said it like this: 

Do all the good you can

in all the ways you can

to all the souls you can

in every place you can

at all times you can

with all the ZEAL you can

as long as you ever can.