"progress is not possible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.". Gbshaw

I have several days where I journal that I'm in bed with migraines. I remember in high school getting meds for them and the doctor teaching me to put ice in a tube sock and drape it around my neck to numb the pain. Then living in the dark with silence for 3 days!!!! These headaches seem to come from the McCoy side, my dad got them really bad too! I have not done that for a long long while. I note here that often in the mornings I would wake up knowing that one was on it's way, but if I got up and went to seminary anyway and taught my class I didn't have to have the migraine, I always felt and noted that it was a blessing from God.

Well this week I had a return of the migraine!! Wow knocked me out cold!!! I kept trying to get up and go and do but instead lay there like I was in a comma!! All I seem to be able to think about was camp! I then kept trying to deceide why do I have this headache? So number one I have been eating crappy, with no exercise and two I'm letting myself worry too much about camp. Three i cant figure out how to use the knew computer quickly enough!!!! Thus the cycle has begun. Worry, frustration, eat, headache!!
I want to be in control and need discipline, (did you know or ever think about discipline being part of the word disciple that's just a deep thought). Well because I kept journals and am blogging I can learn, see cycles and break them. Thus findings that "wisdom is knowledge rightly applied". Break the cycle. Expect change by doing something different to break the cycle, now that's ironic since I always ALWAYS cry - "I don't like change"!!!

i just like this entry

Just a note I have enjoyed these last 2 week-end trips with Apryl for Soccer and Girls Camp the hikes and conversations are  irreplaceable about her goals and dreams i do love her.

I can't trust myself but I can Trust in God

As I read I am getting the idea that I get "attached" to people.  I don't like to think that I do really, but as I read I see that I do.  I also see that I when invested and in some way fail or don't "feel" like I succeeded - I crash and I crash hard.  It looks by the journal entries like I have done it often.  So for the past year or so I just haven't invested, well I did in one thing and failed at that too.  Do you ever feel that way?  How do we move on?  Not build up walls?  Let people in again? Forgive others? Forgive ourselves? Let go of all the weight of maybe it's not gonna fly?

Some of my paper journals talk of fighting with my mom, my husband, my kids, of inviting into our home teenagers, children, old people, of moving and thinking "this is it I'm here to stay", of this is a really good friend oh wait not!, of letting go of people because of a move, a divorce, a death, of loosing jobs, of gaining and regaining too many pounds (that one is here a lot!),   well this is an entry on May 10 1996

"Trusting my spiritual guidance. . . I can't say my prayers very well lately, intact sense we had to move this last time (and that has been 16 months ago) I haven't been able to pick myself up and go again.  I watch TV a lot, in the dark after the kids go to bed just a place of peace and quiet where I can lock out all my misery and just engage in the story before me.  I keep trying to figure out why, why can't I let go of it? If I felt like we were suppose to move and it didn't work out and we moved back, then why go at all?  Why if I felt so strongly about something being a good choice did it turn out so crappy, so darn confusing?  Everybody thinks we are idiots because we move so much and we put families out so much especially Clarks they are and were so helpful and such good friends for all they do for us.  All of us can take a look at how to be a better friend from them.  Anyway I guess I'm asking why is it so hard to pray again to pull myself out of this darkness.  

Well this morning I have a new answer "I can't trust myself."  So how can I teach or tell anyone that something is right and that we should do that when choices I feel good about turn out to look to myself and others like complete failure.  Well from what I sit here and see as failure has also brought many many blessings that maybe I couldn't even see until now 16 months later.

Apryl is in a completely different group of friends (that i didn't know then and now know 15 years later is and was a wonderful blessing).  We did Temple work for family because of that trial.  I supported my husband, and he really is striving to do the Best thing, I learned that the house you live in isn't as important as the "home" you make.  I learned that it's the small and simple things that matter.  (there are lots of other blessings listed I won't bore you with them).  I'm afraid to pray again for fear of having to do something Else the Lord prompts me to do that might cause for me to grow and learn and gain wisdom but also hurt and thus the wall - I don't want to play any more - and thus the darkness.  I suppose I should let down this big tall wall get down on my knees thank God that I have been blessed with so much knowledge and so many blessings, both spiritually and temporally and get on with my life!  Stop hiding in my house, fearful of being an untrustworthy fat leader!  I do know that God lives, that Jesus Christ saved me from much pain and agony through His suffering because of that I can get on with my life and strive to be a better person, who am I to judge Him or even ask "Why me?".  Instead I choose to be more grateful and less prideful."

i am on a knew genealogy trail!!!  I'm striving to learn how to find the family lines!  I have been volunteering at the Family History Library and it is very very addictive time consuming habit of things to do!!   Well we put together a little trip of friends to go to the Library in Salt Lake, it's amazing have you ever gone into a library filled with pedigree charts and family history.  It's humbling.

We really do have FHE

In our family on Monday Nights the tradition of having a "family Home Evening" has indeed been a goal.   I want to now make this entry for the sake of Amric!!!  Last night we had the discussion that as he said "last week with the missionaries over was the first time we had family home evening"!

so I flipped out and we had a serious discussion about what is family home evening!  I tried to teach him that we have had it, he has learned, he has been taught he is choosing to ignore!

So for those families who struggle at keeping and or getting your little ones to pay attention and hope they are learning something ... then there's amric!!!  I had a friend once who said that God gave us 17 year old boys so that we could let go of them in the near future!  This morning when I said my prayers I thanked God for my 17 year old boy! No Heavenly Father has blessed me with evidence lots and lots of Journal entries of both successes and failures at striving to have Family Home evening.  I encourage you to continue in those efforts teaching something about manners, respect, honor, tradition, Faith, hope and charity! Use things like board games, TV, MUSIC, story books, jump rope, trampolines, swimming pools, picnic tables, parks, and refer to the scriptures but do it together as a family once a week.  Even if they think they never did it...because really its so a part of their life they just think it's life!!!! it'll be worth it 7, 17, or 70 I promise!

The season of Jenni!

We have these rally good friends that live in Vancouver.  They have turned out to be more than friends they are like family.  Since Richard feels like his family has disowned him and mine are so far away we feel very grateful to have the Parkers!

In some journal far far away I know I wrote about Jenni!  Well she was one of my girls in Young Women and has been serving on a mission as of late!  She's been home a short time and fortunate for us has decided to come live with us!  I'm so excited to have her here and to learn and grow from her freshly returned missionary status!!

She is going to live and work with Richard for the summer.  It will be good $ and experience for her to get back into the "world of labor" anyway that's our hope.  Hopefully it will be calm here and she can receive inspiration for what she should "go and do" in the fall!  We all love her.  Amric and Ayris kinda worship her so she could get pretty sick of that pretty quick!

I'm very grateful to have lived in Vancouver and I believe we are put into a place for a season for some reason ... Vancouver it was a "start over place for our marriage", and an introduction to a family that will be our friends for eternity.

WAKE UP and pay attention, be aware of your surroundings and ask God "why did you put me here?"  He'll answer, sometimes years later so be patient!

So to begin with I am 132 enteries behind in my quest to journal daily reviewing the last 30 years ...

So this is a fun one to start catching up with!!! Today was family council!  It kinda turned out to be a bust!!!  We could not agree on a destination for planning ahead for summer vacation (mind you this is 1996 and the children are 16, 14, 6 and 3 or thereabouts! who attempts to plan vacations with the kids anyway!!!).  Austin keeps saying "Texas, Europe or New York City!"    Apryl wants to go to LONDON! and Ayris asks if we can go watch her at Gym!  Amric we already know just flat doesn't want to get in the car!!!  so... in the end no plans! We will prbly do as we have always done and one day just jump in the car and go!!!

what is permanent?

So we have invested all this money into a new computer set up and I seem to have lost 8000 pictures somewhere somehow.  This is why I get frustrated and stop blogging and doing anything on the computer.  DOn't you hate it when you type and type and type and then it's not saved or somehow it's lost in a file somewhere in the computer that only the tech knows how to find?  I do.  "They say" that it's "suppose to be permanent" anything you put out there is out there for the whole world to see anytime of day or night! Except for me and my pictures that for 2 years now I have been attempting to get scanned, downloaded and filed to keep in an organized fashion!!!  UGHHHHH!  It's why I like my paper journals and my actual scrapbooks that are tangible and I can see on the book shelf!!!

Yesterday I went to my little Apple class to learn, I've been doing that for awhile now, but I came away feeling very unlearned.  They said they saved my 8000 pictures.  I sat in front of the computer in fact watching to really see and prove to myself that these pictures are still in my computer somewhere and as I watched these thousands of pictures pass by me at a very rapid speed what I saw before my eyes was the inevitable "Judgement Day"!!!  All of "my world" of people sitting in front of a screen revealing my life to them just like that - BAM!  Will I be embarrassed? Heck ya! Will the Lord say "well done thou good and faithful servant, I'm thinking Heck no!  It made take a moment to pause and think I'm so grateful to still be alive on this earth with people that I love and to interact with them.  It reminded me that I've seen and done some things that I need to clean up.  BUT it also gave me pause for a wonderful wonderful life and things that I've done that have been fun, good and positive, people, places and things that will be permanent memories.

so I just wanted to somewhere thank God for my life. Say I'm sorry to people I've hurt and kick myself in the butt, strap on the ole boots and kick up some fun times create some more memories and not waste any more time singing the blues quoting anyone singing the blues or regretting the past.  I've done my time.  I do my best.  The past has, well... the past is.   I am me as she says; "I am who I am"!  Thanks to lessons learned, free agency and Jesus Christ some things are permanent, and somethings aren't. ... they might be hidden in the computer somewhere,  thank goodness for that some won't ever have to see them.

does that make sense to anyone but me!!! I'm glad I cleared that up for myself!!!!!!!! bahhhhhh!!!! night!

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

I still can't figure out how to add a picture on this knew computer but I don't ant to not write so I have no excuse to stop again!  Be patient with me I must keep moving even though I don't know what to do ...


so ... returning to my original plan; today is Sept 9th!
2009 ... zip
2010 ... zip

2008 ... looks like we were planning a move to Colorado.  I wonder what our life would have been like if we would have just done it?

this is a cool note I wrote:  "Ayris told me after seminary last week that she likes when Dad gives her "back to school blessings", she said that she loves it when she hears his voice change and he is talking for Heavenly Father.  She noted that today in Seminary the same thing had happened while I was teaching.  How cool is that ... she is learning to recognize the spirit teaching her and that is so much stronger than Richard or I trying to do so.

2007...  Tyler Georg Gone. :(

1998 ... My Mom diagnose with sugar diabetics  Nice day with Amric at Lake Sylvia.  Not happily married.  gotta loose weight!  I must get my house in order!!! Really do I say the same crap over and over and have to learn the same lessons.  Come on, maybe one of these days I'll catch on.  it looks like I'm stuck between my mom and my husband and that I worry too much.  Also I'm praying for Apryl, she seems to have a "potty mouth" and be "in Love" and not being able to just let it go.  She seems to be having issues with not being able to play soccer with the rec team because they play on Sunday!  Oh how I pray for miracles for her and that Heavenly Father will bless her and watch over her.

ok so I gotta get back into how to put this together mode but tonight as I review my journals I see that marriage is hard. Friends get mad. People leave, and I can get corny and say they come into our lives at certain time for things.  But I can also testify that that is true and we are blessed when we need to learn mostly because of those who come in and out of our lives.  Our Children need our constant prayers.  Traditions like back to school blessings and Family Home Eve discussions are stronger than we imagine and those are the memories that we hold on to.  Satan wants to destroy us.  When you ask yourself what do you do when I don't know what to do???  Read the scriptures, say your prayers. But really the scriptures are loaded with answers about what to do when you don't know what to do.  Nephi said Go and DO - keep doing it.  Joseph Smith said Study and Pray.  David, well he might have made the wrong choice so that's good to know too, my journals are filled with those!  The Brother of Jared - he prayed and communicated and DID all that he could do presenting a plan.  Live what you know to be right while you are waiting to figure out what to do!  BUT KEEP MOVING.  these last months physically I kept moving but spiritually, emotionally I stopped moving it's not good.  Grieve and then Go and Do for someone else, it takes your mind off of whatever is stabling you out.    How can it be that the LORD wants to bless us and we won't let him Doc and Cov 130:20 and 82:10 tell us Live the law that the blessing is predicated upon and receive!

wholly whollly smokes it's SEPTEMBER!

Remember how I am learning and applying wisdom this year from old journals about my last 30 years? (I want to put lots of explanation marks here but I'm hearing Anona say - people over use the explanation mark!!!!) oh and is it a mark or a point?  I don't know but I love them ... so Anona dang it I may tend to continue to OVERUSE THE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  anyway that is all beside the point - hahaha get it point!!!  again I regress.  My question is where the heck have I been since April 1st?  so just to catch up with this year and then to go off on my learning and applying wisdom journal exploring escapdes let's see....  WOW as the song says "I've been everywhere man!".

from my very nearly empty paper journals I see that at the end of March I was accounting for all my wonderful weight loss but noticing that I wasn't sticking to it and could see that I needed to start over so put all the measurements and stick figures and weight scale pictures into place to restart my weight loss program and loose again the weight that I had been slowing putting back on since October.  Can I just brag for a sec that I'd lost 53 pounds and inches - that's weird too isn't it!  Well since that wonderful day I have gained the inches and 20 pounds back UGH!  I blame it on change and my lack of discipline in dealing with it so new paper entry today I start over again!!! I will loose 60 pounds by camp next summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My paper journal from the past reads like this:
"Today I start again! the goal to loose 34 pounds another 53 to 46 would be a bonus!  I need to be HEALTHY, STRONG, COURAGEOUS.  Blogging has caused me to reflect, research and remind myself of TWO things; 1.  The joy of my life   2.  Weakness therein!
2nephi 3:21, 33:4 Ether 12:23,27,37 and 40 oh and Doc & Cov 135:5 reference where I am at in life right now and give me umph to keep on going  (Oh man I wonder where all that UMPH went?).

It goes on to read... Out of our books and actions we will be judged choosing for ourselves 'our mansion in Heaven'."

So in all my wisdom it seems as if I need to reapply, recommit and re something!  Cuz my excuses that I think I have - WHICH ARE MANY, don't seem like they will fly!  Just to make myself feel better I'd like to name a few of them... Ayris left for school, Went on a little excision of Rugby games from Kansas to Colorado, Some of the Family went on a trip to New York (I will surely write about it!), Tyler came home (To his Home in Washington), I went to Las Vegas to baby grand sit while Apryl and Sean went to England, I went to Washington with Ayris, I went to Girls camp and scam home swearing never again - I'm so glad that part of my life is over! and then I was really thrown for a loop when called to be the New Stake Camp director for 2012. A different some of the family went to Wisconsin/Minnesota for a Sobczak family reunion (I will write about that later! Can you say Mice in the walls and Bats in the Bedrooms?).  Amric is a senior. Apryl and her little family Moved to Gretna Nebraska.  Oh I know its the fault of switching up our computer system and I don't even know how to run anything now - knowing that was happening just made me stop blogging!!!!!  see I have tons of excuses and none of it works and I do HAVE MANY but they sound empty and I don't look blameless.  WRITE EVERYDAY!

Ok it's time to get going again.... Computers, vacation, disappointments, ayris moving away, apryl moving to nebraska, Tylergeorg going home from his mission and setbacks part of life but for me this time a distraction of 5 months and a weight return of 30 pounds, but I think today I let it all go and I am ready to start again to blog, exercise eat "my food" (TSFL) and well,  Go and Do and talk about it!!! Wish me luck!!!