Guilt

December 10, 2017

Sunday Go to meetin' notes!

Obligation  - Honor - Guilt - Sacrifice - Obedience  - Atonement - Belief - Perspective - Respect

So many mixed emotions today!  I know I hear you saying to yourself; “isn’t that usual for you my dear?!”  It’s just that I can’t talk this out out loud with anyone so this is where I come to talk it with myself!! Looking for my own inspirational mind altering thoughts causing a great change of heart!  No big deal‼️

Couple of things happened today causing both a stupor of thought and my bossom to burn, now looking for clarity and that firey change of heart.
My mind swirls with where to start and yes this is a bigger deal to me than you’ll think it is I’m sure of that!  Even at 60 I’m sorting learning defining my own beliefs rules guidelines expectations and so on and so on.
First topic doing something because you just think you are suppose to

Second topic how the atonement applies to me

“In the Garden of Gethsemane, He suffered so greatly that he sweat drops of blood as He pleaded with His Father. But this was all a part of His great atoning sacrifice.

[I once sat] in the shadow of an old olive tree [in the Garden of Gethsemane] and read of that terrible wrestling of the Son of God as He faced the certain future, sweating drops of blood and praying to His Father to let the cup pass if it might--but saying, Nevertheless, Thy will be done, not mine. … I had an overwhelming feeling that He wasn’t making His plea, He wasn’t facing that ordeal in terms of the physical pain He was about to face, the terrible, brutal crucifixion on the cross. That was part of it, I am sure. But in large measure it was, I think, a sense on His part of His role in the eternal welfare of all of the sons and daughters of God, of all generations of time.

Everything depended on Him--His atoning sacrifice. That was the key. That was the keystone in the arch of the great plan which the Father had brought forth for the eternal life of His sons and daughters. Terrible as it was to face it, and burdensome as it was to realize it, He faced it, He accomplished it, and it was a marvelous and wonderful thing. It is beyond our comprehension, I believe. Nevertheless, we glimpse it in small part and must learn to appreciate it more and more and more.” GBH 1997

We read this thought at church today and the discussion was across the board “a new thought”. The idea that Jesus wasn’t just asking to not suffer pain but the idea (in my words) of being the middle man.  The thought of carrying all the weight of the burdens of the world and the hope that people would “get it”, accept it, maybe even appreciate it.  The weight of being the arch, the support for all our woes, choices and sins.

• The question was posed to us “how do you feel about that and or what comes to your mind in thinking about this? My heart literally starting burning, pumping faster I wanted to burst out; "I know how that feels!" While at the same time thinking who do you think you are, and wanting to crawl away and sink into despair speechless at these thoughts.

I need to own my own 60 year old life and I start my quest with ... “my mother raised me and in so doing made me the middle man/girl mediator”...this is my perspective and how and why I think I felt what I did in class today...

I was raised by a mother who wanted her husband to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of LatterDay Saints, married to a man that she loves like no other who promised her he would join the church “if she would marry him”!   I’m the baby of 4 with a few miscarriages thrown in.  I was a “miracle baby of birth” or so I was always told. Along the way my brothers and my sister stopped going to church and I being of the sound age of 6 when I first remember hearing “it’s up to you Kelly Sue to save this family, to keep us together for eternity”.  This being a burden I didn’t want and hated all throughout my teenage years. Many many times praying for this “burden” to be lifted from me if it be possible! I still feel it today, I still hear her words and pleading today.  I pray to face it and Go and Do my part to keep us together.  This is my desire!

I do glimpse it in a very very small part, now I need to appreciate it and move forward.
Now today I am thinking; 'look what He did and does for me and even through all of our choices' and yet I am still asking myself who am I? And thus we see my dilemma!  Move on Girl move Forward.

I "POaST" about my life ... 73-74 Junior Year!

Music; In addition to the perfect music already listed in 71-72 blog; Babs, Abba, Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart, The Jackson 5
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivYzpTDc4A0&list=PLBCE7A9F9D30DD790

TV; Rockford Files, Brady Bunch, Mash, Hawaii Five 0, Bob Newhart, Kojak, All in the Family, Happy Days, and American Band Stand to name a few off the top of my head! 

Movies; THE WAY WE WERE, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The GodFather, The Great Gatsby and James Bond! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivYzpTDc4A0&list=PLBCE7A9F9D30DD790


So this is the year of "throw my hands up in the air"! It looks as if in my journals that school is taking a second fiddle to dance and boys and that dance and boys are bumping each other off every now and then!   Ricky and I started dating. Ricky started taking the missionary discussions and chose to be baptized.  That night, it was like a dream, I felt like we were floating.  The baptism seemed hazy, only at the time I thought it was because he was sad that he'd chosen the church and me over his parents and his siblings.  The program was nice. The spirit light and I thought inspirational.  When he came out after getting dressed into his dry clothes he just burst out in tears and hugged me and really cried. Like I said I thought he was sad his parents didn't come or something. He attended Youth Conference and all the extra youth activities, but often seemed to be late for or not at Church at all. How'd I miss that?   He was controlling and jealous, I was flattered he cared enough to be so. Looking back, I did talk to and flirt, but in an effort to find someone who loved me.  Thus we see; I guess I felt I deserved this treatment. I really just loved life and wanted to play and do things, he never saw it that way. Being just a tiny bit afraid of my Daddy, I am thinking now, that might have made me think I was suppose to be just a tiny bit afraid of my boyfriend.  WARNING WARNING WARNING: Don't go steady in high school, don't tell one boy that you love him and make your priorities something that you will ever sooner or later regret, you know - just go to class and be honest virtuous and trustworthy.  Remember this; that I believe in High School you are creating a PATTERN for the rest of your life. Make it a pattern that fits and doesn't need altering, And if it now needs altering the atonement is a great Tailor thru Jesus Christ...and that's all I've got to say about that.  
  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coef8G5ax6E

I've had a job since I was 12 doing one things or another ... mom made me walk around selling Christmas cards personalized with  embossed lettering - door to door when it was 120 degrees in August!, I babysat ALOT! and I worked at the Willis Linen Company where mom worked. I worked in the office or in the back wherever they needed me.  But when I was actually old enough to legally work (16) I worked 3 to 5 hours everyday after school washing and folding school towels.  These people at this place were like a second family. My ward, My Mesa 3rd ward being my first.   Note here...that Gas is SUPER EXPENSIVE now and the lines are monstrous even waiting hours sometimes just to buy gas.  If I drove moms car too many miles I would have to sit in one of those lines to replace the gas I'd used.  I remember it being ridiculous.    

Mom Ricky and I went on trips in this car to Texas to meet Kathys family (Timmys wife), and to Rocky Point to see Sis and meet Jorge.  Now that's a funny story!   We went to surprise my sister, she now lived and worked in Puerto Penasco Mexico.  She worked for the Shrimp plant U of A ran on the beach there.  She lived in Cholla Bay.  What was my Mom thinking? We drove down after she got off work one Friday night when we got there it was dark the roads are sandy and it's amazing we didn't get stuck some where! Anyway we found her we knock on the door to her little blue and silver trailer and - yep! she was surprised!!! We quickly met the love of her life and he went running on down the road! It was a picture I never forgot.  But now I see my mom was heart broken and for a year or so I see nothing in her journals or writing. She felt like a failure all of us dumb kids were not being who she wanted us to be.  Her example of not ever giving up, of always going to church, always giving 100% to her calling and her visiting teaching and loving me unconditionally, holding FHE and saying prayers with me - she will be blessed for that, even if if at the time I wasn't paying attention.   Anyway I digress.  Rocky Point was fun and seeing Sis was so exciting (I was 16!) she took us to her work, we went on a tour, we went to the bars, the restaurants, we went shopping for deals and we shot off fireworks.  A bottle rocket blew up in the face!  Rocky Point was where it was at! 

I had gone out on a few dates with Jim and I really liked his sister Sue. That was one of my problems, I loved the families of the guys I dated. Anyway... His Dad died and he went to California he sent me these beautiful flowers. Merry Christmas!  Not too much after that.

Betty and Stan Abbott lived in the trailer court with us across the street, by now Timmy is living there but I haven't mentioned them much and I just want to say here we love them.  Betty was "like a sister to me" she is "always there for me and she listens and gives advice that is prayerful and kind". To compliment her Stan is a good guy and nice to Mom and I.  Betty was my first beehive teacher, Camp Mom, and friend.  I Never gave her any trouble!!! ;)

Jane

Janeece Powell moved into the ward my junior year. We probably didn't hit it off at first. Me (I'm sure) doing all the judging - her being blonde and from California and all!!!  She and Jane became very close very fast.  It was the first time the 4 of us girls had had another girl and it mixed up the mojo for a bit, not that it wasn't already a little haywire us being in high school and girls and all!!!   Sheila was the straight laced I've got my life together one. She was a rock, she held us together and I am sure prayed for all of us to get our acts together!      Jane she was the brain the school is important and I do well and am involved in anything "greek", (if in High School there would have been anything greek)!  She dated Jim for a little bit and so did I. She and I had lots of "life experiences" to bond over.  She is a great friend and really made an effort to get me involved and keep me out of trouble. Some of us, just don't listen or appreciate the good friends that we have.

Shelia

Debra Lynn Harper

Debbie well Deb, she was my buddy, my pal. I loved her and her family. I spent alot of time at her house.  Who was Debbie? she was the take charge point everyone in the right direction girl.  She dated Dale Stark and so did I!  In fact it was probablly our biggest fight ever! I thought I was "going out" with him and she showed up at the Seminary Social with his class ring on! Really Kel, how many irons did you have in the fire!!! How was I mad at her? I don't know but I was, but wait,  I thought I was dating Ricky, no wait was it Jim I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I wanted, I only knew what I had wasn't right and I didn't know how to get away from it...and thus kept searching for Mr. Right.    Speaking of Mr. Right, the other thing I didn't note earlier is that My Mr Ricky Right would never take me to a dance or in fact to anything "public" and we fought at every dance we ever went too.  

Please note I have mention several red flags in this blog, Give heed!

So When Jim asked me to go to Prom caring flowers and promised a good time, I said YES!  It was a great evening and we looked good!  He also asked me to marry him - ring and all! I am not sure what happened maybe it scared me and I ran??? I do that!  Once Jim and a bunch of us went out when I was suppose to be at mutual when he took me home mom grabbed me out of that car and kickkkkkked my butt all the way into the house! For heavens sake I was 17! Come to think of it, maybe that is the reason!!! Maybe he ran! 

Tami Lea and Tim - Timmy and Kathys Kids pay a visit.

Aunt El writes... Feb '74

Dear Kelly Sue - I wish you could only know and realize what I feel in my heart to tell you. I had such a strong desire to tell you a few things when I was there but I couldn't and didn't and can't yet express to you my feelings.  I always hated and resented my mother and my sister preaching gospel to me - yes or anyone else for that matter - why? because I wasn't doing or living the way I should, I knew it, but I didn't do anything about it. I am sure I never had and still don't have the knowledge of the gospel that even you have, however this is not excuse. But how I pray that you will have the desire to go to the Temple with your companion to be married, when you get married - not a year or two or more later but at the time you decide on. I also pray that the Lord will give you the strength to control your emotions and your passion and that you will find a priesthood holder to help you fulfill this great privilege. Ah how I wish you and your Mother could have witnessed George O'Briens marriage by Elder Marion D. Hanks ... It was beautiful!!!

  Kelly Sue please pray sincerely, earnestly and humble for the great blessing.  I promise you it is worth it.  I love you Kelly Sue and am concerned for you.  Be wise avoid addictive habits, please run the other way from them.  Love Aunt El

P.S. Please don't be mad! I plead with you as I was pleaded to but Kelly Sue I didn't listen - please profit by someones
 wrong doings.     Love You!!!! Aunt El.

Oh have a mentioned that my sister is pregnant? Parents not happy, but very excepting of a new grandchild.  My junior year was a mess at home. I am sure Timmy had done something and was somewhere he shouldn't have been, He is divorced now.  The kids came to see us.  I love them.  I  took them and we went to parks and movies and horse back riding while they were here.  I want to be a Good Aunt!  Tom, well Tom is a no show pretty much all the time. He and his ranches, rodeos and romances!  I'm not sure now if it's Val or Nanci????

It's an Island!

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND... but New york city is!!!

I've since done more reading and become more familiar with New York City.  I get confused about the logistics but as I recall it is 13 miles long and 2 miles wide and has more than 8 million people on it!  40% of it's population being foreign born - WOW!

Our Island Tour Ship!

Yet another line to stand in 

New York Skyline

Building of one of the New Freedom Towers

silhouette of Ellis Island

Ellis Island

skyline - of buildings

New York City with 5 busy Burroughs just like Kelly and Richard with their family we are together an island bridged together to our parents, grandparents and to our children their families, stories, loves, losses, chaos, children and all around busy lives.

Statue of Liberty

Bridge to Staten Island

used to be a "Fort" but the city bought it and they are making it into a park - "soon you'll have a place to ride your bicycle"!

this is the "Fort"

Brooklyn Bridge

the bridge furthest is Brooklyn 

How do I describe this wonderful day that we enjoyed?

Long Island

The first Lunatic Hospital located on Roosevelt Island

empire state building in christmas lights

skyline at sunset

ellis island at sunset

ellis Island

statue of liberty

wall street

I was just so amazed with the buildings

  

how do they work and live like that?

Yankee stadium

bridges at sunset

 When I look back and think about 32 years of marriage, about family life about relationships, about Kelly & Richard.  I will remember this day.  This day that was chaos, and joy.  We were one, we were separate, we loved each other & the city, we cried, we laughed, we ate, held hands, enjoyed the company of our Son, we saw beauty, we were in and OUT of our comfort zone!, we felt gratitude, we ran for a taxi as one, we floated on the Hudson as one, we huddled in the freezing cold together, we were sad missing Amric and well Apryl and Ayris the grandkids too, but we expressed joy in knowing that we are together for eternity that we have hope in the Savior together.  Now not to loose you in religion or the thought of Jesus Christ I have to end with this we would not be together still after all these years and been able to enjoy all that we have had to get thru - all the chaos,  if it weren't for our Hope and belief in Redemption and that the third party in our marriage is Jesus Christ.  That has to be taken in consideration.

we are headed there next - the Empire State Building!

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 1987

This letter was written, but not mailed...

 1987 Christmas at Nannys' ... Because we didn't have an address!!!! 

Richard's dad died in July on the 27th (heart attack).  Richard had finally mended fences with his family and spoken with his Father for about 2 hours the night before he died.  We bought the SOBCZAK MOTOR HOME in March.  In May I went to work part time and we entered the program for foster children.  On the way home from the funeral in Oregon - well that's a very long story, to cut it short we had to rent a car to get home.  When we returned Richard had no job.  He turned around and went to Oregon to live and help his mom, the kids and I got an apt. I went back to work full time.  I was on my own.  

Over the next 3 months I learned what commitment meant, who is willing to be, and who wants to be committed.  I was asked to teach Relief Society twice a month - the lessons were on Marriage.  I will always be in debt to Liana Willis for allowing me, in my awful state to teach about Marriage, ---those lessons converted me - I had to get my act together.  

Richard came home to visit at Halloween, he had a mask on knocked on when he knocked on the door, and when the kids answered he scared the crap out of them!  Austin would hardly go to him the rest of his visit!  

Thanksgiving I took Nanny and the kids and went to Mexico it was the most enjoyable relaxing trip...I love it there.  

When we returned I starting packing things up to go and be with my husband in Washington.  He came home for Christmas and Christmas night we loaded up the Ryder Truck and headed out. But before we left, getting that van of ours on the trailer that was too narrow -- it was a nightmare, not a good way to start off our "Fresh Start"!  I swear I'll never deal with Richard and tow trailers of any sort ever again!  

On the way North we stopped to visit Grandma Joan and Grandpa Sam and went to Gramma Judys in Eugene.  

Immediately after crossing the Columbia River into Washington we picked up the Toyota, which was at Vic and Wades and when we got to our new home we found that Santa had been there and set up the cutest little "charlie Brown tree" for us. 

 Christmas is a great time of the year for "fresh Starts",  recognizing the Savior acknowledging we need Him and being with FAMILY.  Im totally going to miss my family in Arizona, but am anxious to start again with my  family here in Washington.  

Pioneer Day, Halloween, New Apt, Single Parent

Foster Kids, Work Party, Austin

Halloween, Richard, Dewitts, Apryl, Austin
Crocodile Dundee, Warrior Princess

Alicia School Project of the Sobczak Heritage

Alicia, Randy, Ron and Kids

Funeral, Oregon what a trip!

We have this Christmas sock tradition it is to put in our socks in writing on christmas eve a gift that we can give to Jesus over the coming year

this year these were those gifts...

• Austin - Be a Good Sport - if I loose a game still play again)! 
• Apryl - be worthy to be baptized.  Learn the Articles of Faith. 
• Mom - Develop more Patience.  Not loose my temper so easy.
• Dad -Be more prayerful to make certain of decisions that are being made.

I mentioned that Austin wrote about experiences in his life in his class in 1997... this one is about the Family Trip to Granpa Sobczaks Funeral....

the Sobczak Motor Home and Granada!