Self sabotage about happiness

Buying and selling a house is for some easier than for others. This time in particular we had been on a Sunday afternoon drive and we found a house and we actually talked Dad into calling a realtor to go inside and look at it (he didn't ever really let us do that much).  It was just a few short weeks later and we were packed up yet again and moving in.  Everything fit together so smoothly. Some would say - Like it was meant to be! Super stoked, felt very blessed so happy to settle in and belong somewhere.

this is me in Hawaii - "Gitty" with excitement to be there

I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed with the opportunity to go to Hawaii 2 times in my life. Once on a very fun very timely school "field trip" with my daughter and her class to sing and serve thru her choir class her senior year in high school.  I was so excited to go and spend time with her.

Recently I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed to go with my husband, son and 2 granddaughters.  Terrible picture -  I will get to this... this is me "gitty"!

Holy Holy! Super spoiled. I love my mini pool and I am in it almost daily.  Richard spent big bucks on the baby for me and I know that he did it for me.  Inside I was bursting!

These three small experiences are quick thoughts about times when I have felt Happy, excited happy like "come on down", or "Lets make a Deal" jump up and down happy.  But I cannot remember jumping up and down any of these times or for a very long time. That might be a reason people think I am not a happy person.

I started writing this around Mothers Day and so I stopped.  I don't want to be one of "those" people that blames the mom!  So where my thoughts were going seemed non appropriate for the time, let me pick up with this thought.  My Mother was a very good mom. She loved me unconditionally.

Now what I am striving to do is 

1 be happy without her and 

2 learn from how I was raised who I am.

Maybe I mean to say show happiness without her.  I love my daughters all 8 of them! just as unconditionally as I know she loved me.  But this is not about me being a mom, this is about me thinking I can show happiness without hurting or offending another person.

I'm struggling here to write what my thoughts are.  --Obviously.

One day I was communicating with one of my daughters, she suggested therapy.  Is it that obvious I ask myself? Am I unhappy? I suggested to my husband that we go to a Marriage retreat, he said absolutely not and then ask later why would I think we needed to go to that? It all got me to this place where I am still today.

My Mom.

I loved talking to her as a tween, we did everything together. She was my best friend, (well besides Urlene who was more of a sister bff type!). I watched her take me on Vacations, send me to dance, pay bills, discipline, pray all with me and only me. When I was growing up I watched this woman work - she taught me to work to like it and to expect that I'd be doing it all of my life and to find happiness in the completion of a job well done!  I watched her on occasion with my Dad mostly at the dinner table, I don't remember seeing what I would have perceived as happiness, you know joy. I watched her volunteer in many capacities before, after and during church - that is where I saw the passion, the light, the happiness and the joy.  Because my older siblings didn't really participate in the church, I watched her be sad a lot.  (Side note here, as a mom it is frustrating to think you have taught your kids something from a chore to a feeling and see them not care about it) thats what she felt.

From this 2 things happened

1. I thought I was in charge at home and in the marriage and 

2. I've thought - It's my responsibility to save the family, make mom happy and ignore me.

When I say ignore me, what I mean is and didn't realize until just last month. I didn't act happy to be "gitty" around her about stuff, anything because I didn't want her to be sad or have her fillings hurt because I was happy and she wasn't.  And Thus we see I have created a pattern of not showing, displaying even knowing how to express happiness.  If I am "gitty" someone will think I self absorbed someone will be hurt.  I am no better than anyone, I have self control.

Now what?

Happy Birthday I'm 20

Kelly Sue McCoy

a birthday poem by Iris (you know my mom!)

K is for the kaleidoscope of events in her daily life
E is for the exuberant enthusiasm of each day
L could be for Lady but it's not more for love, or laughter, or lessons learned.
L too, might mean loneliness or leisure enjoyed or light of the gospel she holds so dear.
Y stands for the youthful quality of her heart.

S is the silky long hair, sunshiny smile and SELF for which she searches
U is the indescribable Urgency she feels in LIVING!
E the Enigma of those Elaborate dreams she has.

M what else? the Man in her life she looks for and the marvelous magnetic thought of Marriage
C well lets see -- Capable, clever, cunning, capricious or cute?
C too, can be Caring, Catty, Caustic, cautious, challenging and ever changing!
O might be oblique, or obstinate, outspoken or overflowing with love of others.
Y is for the 20 Years she has had or maybe for the Yellow of her favorite color!

A letter from Iris ... Her 30th Mothers Day 1973

   

My Dear Kids, as this, my 30th Mothers Day, approaches it makes me more than aware of the responsibility that has been entrusted to me in the rearing of the four choice spirits that came into our home and of the failure I've made of that trust!
     There are several of the best known holidays that have always been special to me and that I've tried to help you kids and your father feel excited about.  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July they all are very meaningful to me -- not just for the well known reasons, but because they are significant in drawing a family closer together if that family will allow the deep feelings to develop, that these days arouse.
     Perhaps the two days that really meant the to me, though, are Mothers Day and my own birthday. Believe it or not the two seem closely related -- Each year as my birthday comes I feel so grateful to my Mother and to all those that have helped my life amount to the little it does.  And since I've had you kids after I thought for so long that I'd be denied that privilege, I just can not express the gratitude I feel for each one of you.  And of course for Daddy for helping me to become a Mother!!
     As it is a special day for me I'd like to use it as an excuse to do something I try not to do and that is to say some of the serious things that are so often on my mind.  They are not new things nor are they different -- so if you do not want to read farther now is the time to toss this in the waste basket.
     As each of you has grown up and even matured a little most of the time I've felt pride in your endeavors.  Oh and of course there are the little things I've seen or known of that I'd like to change but until the past two years I've always told myself that soon you would remember who you are and why you are here on this earth and make an effort to live as you have been taught.  But as I've watched you all get farther an farther away, not only from me (and I do not mean in distance) but from every semblance of religion of worship of God I've had a hard time not doing some preaching!!  and some pleading!!  to beg you, each one of you to take a long look at yourselves and what you really want -- to realize how short a time the life we live on this earth is and how long the eternities will be and ask if it means nothing to any of you that we cannot be a family in the hereafter if we don't live more righteously and more unitedly here and now.  Oh my dear kids how I love you, I'd give anything I have to help you see what you are are doing, even my life if it would help.  No one of you is really happy -- no one of you is doing with his or her life what you really want nor what you have been taught and yet their isn't one of you that isn't specifically blessed in one way or another that could be instrumental in make your own life so much more complete.  If you'd just read your patriarchal blessing and try to live as you have been taught you'd be much more happy and probably more prosperous!!!  At any rate -- may I take this opportunity to bear my testimony to you that I KNOW that God Lives, that He hears and answers prayers and that "IF" we make the effort to keep our lives in tune with His spirit we will (you will) feel an inner peace and joy that nothing earthly can give to us.
     My love for each of you is more than I have the capability of expressing.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the desire to just put my arms around you and weep with joy because you came into my life.  Thanks to each of you for the much happiness you give to me and for the opportunity to become a little bit more complete person because of the trials you've also brought into my life.  Please forgive me for the many times I've failed to give you the right kind of counsel, or been too strict or not strict enough, please know I've tried to do my best but not always been wise.

Remember
I love You,
 Mother

If I were to write you a letter...

Journaling, "The Word", letters, a card and today's social media are all kinds of ways to communicate with others.  Who doesn't love to get a letter?

the family at HOME a long time ago

 My Mom had a wire Cat that held important bills receipts documents and a letter all so that if anything happened to her we would know how to proceed.  Every time she left town to visit family, (because those are the only vacations she ever took) she would update the "letter" and remind me of it's existence.  That letter haunted me.  I didn't want to know that it was there, but I wanted to know what it said. A conundrum!  What would Mother write that if she never were to see or talk to me again... what did she think was so important that each time she left it needed to be updated replaced and re mentioned??

One time we were out in Westport and one of my kids ask me what would I want him to do with his life when I'm gone.  It seems to be on my mind an awful lot these last few weeks Both the letter of moms and the question asked innocently at a ball park on a wonderful evening in Westport.  This week especially it has been on my mind.  I don't know if its the baby grands being here, graduations happening all around, birthdays coming up, my cholesterol being double what it should, my thyroid being out of whack, moving and moving again or a compilation of it all.  

1994 when we could walk her to the gate!

1994 Bye Mom!

My Mother was very good to come visit me - well us.  Every time I took her to the airport to go back to Arizona I would wonder if I would see her again.  I would go home and write her a letter. 

 It's all got me to thinking just this ... If I were to write you a letter this is what I'd say....

1. Happy Birthday.  I am so grateful to have been involved in your life.  Even more grateful to have learned, laughed and loved YOU.  You have taught me so much.  Love is a Verb.
 Don't YOU be the Weak Link.

2. Live each Day -- choose to be Happy -- Keep in contact with those you love.  Thank them for being part of your life. SHOW that you are Grateful.  Do your Best.  Don't over think everything.  Meet people greet them with a hand shake and smile, and then WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!  Actions Speak louder than words.  Remember be True to the Faith that you already have.

3.  Remember that people aren't perfect. Be courteous. Be Forgiving.  Do service for others.   Even writing a letter can be a kindness, a good work, take a moment and write a letter.  Don't Judge it will ALWAYS Kick You in the Butt!  Remember "the Lord sees weaknesses different than He sees rebellion".

4.  Always look after and protect those more vulnerable than you.  Protect the children and the elderly.  See their humility and their courage award them for it, and strive to be humble and courageous yourself. Life is about Learning...Wisdom is Knowledge rightly applied.

5.  Say Your Prayers Everyday.  Read your Scriptures at least one verse a day. Look Up.  Remember who you are. Ask God to help you. Ask Him anything!  Be still and listen.  Bare your testimony to someone once a week.  Tell someone that ONE thing that you BELIEVE.


My "one thing" is the Atonement.  I believe in this crazy Plan of Happiness.  I know that when I'm not striving to do these things, I'm not happy.  I agree it's a conundrum at times!  But I promise things will be ok IF you do the previously mentioned things.  I know that I felt the love of the Savior and the weight of my sins be lifted off of my shoulders.  It is my grounding point. A foundation. My one thing I come back too, if that day wasn't real.  If the feelings I feel for the scriptures when I read them aren't real then I'm not happy and when I'm not happy I over think, get depressed, and stop making the choice to do the previously mentioned items 1-5.  I could write 20 more things to make it an even 25, but I won't.  I mostly just wanted to write you a letter telling you I love you and asking you to be HAPPY HONEST AND HOME.   Because at HOME I know YOU REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

                                                 a letter written with love,
                                                        ksmsthemom!

suck it up...

So I've had some deep thoughts, well maybe not so deep but some troubling pensive kind of thoughts the last month....  lets see where I go with this....


So I've had a long conversation or two of late with the "girls" in my life from ages 2 to 32! (well she's not 32 but it sounded better than 31!)  In doing so I keep asking myself, How do I share with them the things I want most for them to learn?  How do I tell them how much I love them? How do I explain that life is hard - suck it up - and still let them know "you'll make it, it's going to be ok"?  

You'd think I would have learned by example ..My Mom didn't "talk" to me about life being hard. Except to say "Life is Hard, and then you die", My sister and my brothers taught me "life is a B* and then you marry one"!  So thats what I got!  I'd like to be a little more clear with my progeny. It's not to say that Mom and I didn't talk cuz we talked!  It seemed to me we talked about everything - except, I still don't know why she and Daddy lived apart since I was 4 or why she married him when she only wanted all of us to go to church.  I wish she'd told me these things even it embarrassed her, YET hold on maybe I don't.  (Side note; I had a leader once who was trying to "help" me "suck it up" or get me on the right road. To understand that life is hard in doing so she spilt her "story" to me - it didn't help me nor her I don't think, she fell back into the same cycle and today I only remember that awful thing that she did.  So my philosophy has evolved into one of not telling, or "confessing" attempting to be more like alma and describe the pain it may have caused and the redemption involved without the gory details.  The goal in writing and talking is helping others stay on the right road, or at least motivating you to suck it up and circle back and getting yourself on the right road. 

So I ask again - how does one help anyone else not have to travel toooooo far down the wrong road at all, much less before they can get back on the right road or never circle back around at all?  Comments welcome of course!  I put this question out there is the "FAmiLy LetTer" and that family letter "got lost" so I got no feed back from the "four corners of the earth"!


to be continued....

Father and Son Timmy's Perspective

Daddy

I had a dad,
For this I am glad.
     I didn't know him well,
     so there's not much to tell.
His life was often rough,
because of this he was so gruff.
     He had kids and a wife,
     All he cared for in his life.
If there was a fight,
He could throw his might.
     With a two by four and more -
     I have seen him show that power.
He gave his kids a home,
so they wouldn't be alone.
     In Him, He had love,
     held tight like a glove.
He would drink a beer or a shot,
didn't think a lot was too hot!
     Many friends he had,
     though some thought Him bad.
He wore boots, and a hat,
When younger chaps shaped like a bat.
     Around the race courses
     He loved to watch the horses.
He was many things this man
but never completely tan!
     He would never put his hat on the bed,
     for it was always on His head.
But now he's gone home....
Never more to roam....
    He is laying on the bed,
    Yes, My Daddy's dead.

Tim M McCoy
son of
Tim McCoy
Jan 1986

Dear Son...

Yes, dear  Son, your Daddy's dead.

Here now are some things he  said:

"I love every daughter and son,

and the Grandkids, each special one.

Then there's the ones who joined our tribe

to live with our kids, side by side.

Always I wished only to do

what was best for all of you.

I was too dumb to think and plan,

Usually failed to be a man.

Too late now to show how I cared,

and enjoy the life we all shared.

Please tell all the kids, to try hard

to not allow their lives to be scarred

by the things I did or didn't do,

but live their lives to not have to 

regret their acts, or their thought.

But look ahead to changes brought

about by the course  in life taken, 

by habits that need to be forsaken.

To show their love, declare their pride

and not those feelings try to hide.

For me the end of life is near

and death itself I do not fear.

If God be just, merciful, kind,

He knows what's in my heart and mind.

If there really be another life,

I hope to be with kids and wife.

Goodbye to all, remember me,

As the man I wanted to be."

Yes, dear Son, your Daddy's dead,

and of all the many thing he said,

None so important and so true

As the simple phrase, "I love you".

Iris McCoy

The Mom

Jan 1986

I am grateful for "A" -- Adoption

Preface

I've been noticing a trend on my Facebook feed - people saying something they are grateful for everyday of the month in November (I'm in-visioning until Thanksgiving!), so since I'm a little late on that train my inspiration this morning is to share something for every letter of the alphabet that I am thankful for until Thanksgiving (which is in 9 nine days so 3 or 4 a day - I don't know I don't do math!!!) so here we go.  My goal in doing this is to know myself better and to think outside the box (wish me luck!) ;)

ransitive verb

1

: to take by choice into a relationship; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child

2

: to take up and practice or use <adopted a moderate tone>

3

: to accept formally and put into effect <adopt a constitutional amendment>

4

: to choose (a textbook) for required study in a course

5

: to sponsor the care and maintenance of <adopt a highway>

intransitive verb

: to adopt a child adopt

>

— adopt·abil·i·ty noun

— adopt·able adjective

— adopt·er noun

I am thankful for ADOPTION, first to be adopted into the family of the House of Israel.  Second to be able to have in my lifetime see miracles thru the acts of adoption.  There is of course the story of JUNO and the story of Moses.  There is those stories of Jane Eyre, Anne of Green Gables, The little Princess, Oliver Twist and one of my favs Matilda!  

“Was it the act of giving birth that made you a mother? Did you lose that label when you relinquished your child? If people were measured by their deeds, on the one hand, I had a woman who had chosen to give me up; on the other, I had a woman who'd sat up with me at night when I was sick as a child, who'd cried with me over boyfriends, who'd clapped fiercely at my law school graduation. Which acts made you more of a mother?

Both, I realized. Being a parent wasn't just about bearing a child. It was about bearing witness to its life.” 
― Jodi Picoult, Handle With Car

I have seen examples of this working and examples of it not, but the stats lay out like this as I see it...

1 Kings 3:16-28

16 ¶Then came there two women, that were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him.

 17 And the one woman said, O my lord, I and this woman dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a child with her in the house.

 18 And it came to pass the third day after that I was delivered, that this woman was delivered also: and we were together; there was no stranger with us in the house, save we two in the house.

 19 And this woman’s child died in the night; because she overlaid it.

 20 And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while thine handmaid slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom.

 21 And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

 22 And the other woman said, Nay; but the living is my son, and the dead is thy son. And this said, No; but the dead is thy son, and the living is my son. Thus they spake before the king.

 23 Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son isthe dead, and my son is the living.

 24 And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king.

 25 And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.

 26 Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.

 27 Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.

 28 And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had judged; and they feared the king: for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him, to do judgment.

It is in my opinion, a true act of love to want the best for your child.  And Only a Mother knows. I honor those who both give and receive in the act of Adoption. 

here's a couple of links for reference

http://tofw.com/story/770-being-the-birth-grandma

https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/adopting-families/

http://sethadamsmith.com/2012/11/01/adoption-month/