Chapters

The more things change the more they stay the same ... Or Do They?  

who am I and more important what is my life style

whats my "cause"? 

whats yours?

what brings me Joy?

you?

whats my lifestyle?

and you what is your lifestyle?  

Am I a Two Story farmhouse girl? A sandy beach house girl? A skyscraper woman? or a Trailer Rat? Am I a night time rambler or a Spanish Mansion? I think I might be a row house without a row! When I was a teenager I had the dream of a wrap around porch and dormers. When I was in college I thought a salt box was the way to go; stands alone one personality presents itself to the entrance and one to the back yard Strong and independent.  I had a dream once that I was in a house with long dark hallways and lots of rooms and so we bought the Ginny Lane house! I had a spiritual experience once that presented me the elusive "white house with a red roof" and it has been my vision ever since! What lifestyle lies in that house for me and why do I care? What kind of a house are you and is the house the life style? 

Profile

Today I was wondering why my profile pics in comparison to others is an older one from the past.  The answer inside my head was "I guess I liked myself then".  Which got me to thinking!
I was impulsive and acted often without thinking!!  It's nice being young and not knowing your family is poor or dysfunctional. In other blog entries I've skimmed lightly over my life history, stopping at my Young adult years of which that journal has been burned and only a few pictures remain; thank goodness social media waited for me to finish that section of my life before being fully instituted!!! This year I have the goal to not look back longingly. I have over these last few months been inspired with the phrase "Thru Him you can fix this."  April seems to be my worst month, my month of wanting to look back longingly.  The last 3 years have been so soul searching ... so weightganingly depressing, so looking back longingly. Now a days Richard is having his own searching conundrum. Anyway, I had all those thoughts in like a second after asking myself why I use old pics as a profile picture?!!!

and thus we see 

I liked myself! and then I haven't!  I want to again, but first I want to understand why I didn't and then have a change of heart.

Lets get on the magic school bus and go back

When have I "liked" myself? ...

I liked me as a kid

I liked me as a tween

I had my dislike moments as a teenager

What families did I like and fit in with and why...

DH...It was great being here. Family, chaos, love all kinds of personalities we were kids it was awesome. Residential  she built her own firepit patio with Brick BBQ

JH... I loved her home her mom was great everything was pristine and so I prbly felt like it was out of my league For heavens sake they had a living room with a piano in it!!!!

RG...I really liked the parents I fit in with them the siblings didn't like me so much! Rambler

TG.. loved being there, loved the siblings, parents didn't really love me that much so I may have been always on guard residential rambler with a basement

BP... hated me rambler with a pool (kinda!)

Young...I felt like It was a dream I'd never get this the farm, the attention, but the bars - awkward! Ranch in the mountains

ECP...they taught me what my lifestyle was suppose to be like. I wanted this. Everything about this I wanted. The dad the mom the siblings the house the yard the chores the respect the fighting the making up the prayers before bed the forever bonds. Residential 2 story

GB... love I could be myself here, well I wanted to be myself - I was still on guard except with Gunga and Papa they were real and non judgmental! small humble residential pool pool pool patio brick BBQ

The Stables... I loved it there. I wanted to be comfortable there, but no one around me was comfortable - they were afraid of Daddy and Tom - They knew I was not suppose to fit it. I never had a chance to see if this was my life style.

JA... No that was my time to be who ever I wanted. College apts, 20 something friends, I saw some things! I was comfortable and then guilty maybe in this house. In her family home I was always comfortable and loved the beach, weird for me cuz I don't like to lay in the sun or get in the ocean. I loved the camaraderie the since of people connecting going to lounge and visit, tortillas and salmon, brain tacos, drinking (me soda) and dancing, sleeping and family. I loved it I loved it all. BUT! I was Very uncomfortable with the second language.

VinDel I was the happiest here with this family! weird. I was part of something. I prbly did things with this family that teenagers do that I never did. OOOooops! But the family. I wanted the family. They did everything together. The drama, the love, the drinking, the hugging, the races, the religion, the chatting, the friend shipping, the dreaming it was all done together. No one covered up anything or anyway it didn't seem to me as if they did. They spoke english!!!!

lots more houses homes people have influenced me these are the highlights!

I love the quote  - 

“At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Now for my houses so many, too many to count...highlights! thinking Lifestyle thats it at this point!

skipping the childhood for now - thats a whole other chapter.

Spool table first apt.

garden boxes first trailer home!

patio patio patio

hated the condo

liked didn't love the luxury apts

back yard tinkering

pool

happiest in the house with the dommers but happy inside it with the wood stove and the family

large family rooms

pool hot tub fire pit

cool back yard for get togethers anyone and everyone

pretty much inside is for family outside for get togethers but in the rain country need space inside for all too I loved it love love loved it when my seminary kids or friends of the children came over

lake beach 

view 

and thus we see 

My lifestyle is patios BBQs water but to look at not really swim in and People!

I hope people remember how they "felt" and that it was good, and comfortable that they felt loved when being at my house 

Thats my goal, my vision my lifestyle!

How is being 59 any different than being 19?

So how am I at 59 the same or different and what and how has that made me who I am today.  The deal is I feel like the same person, yet I know I am different and maybe I don't want to be I want to be FUN, impulsive and full of Sass vs jaded, anxious and full!  Also note here I still write with question marks and exclamation points that has not changed. My grammar is definitely still me no matter the age!!  The more things change at 59 for me are they really any different or am I any different that I was a 19?  The point being you ask? I don't know it's just always running thru my brain every day and today I am writing it down!!  I want their to be a point I want to gain something and for you out there striving to find discover, or answer that inner voice asking yourself;  whats my life style, what kind of a house am I? Not the whole where did I come from thing? more because of life experiences who am I is it true that inside we are always still that same 17 year old kid cuz back then i would have said; sex drugs and rock'n roll and today I say sex drugs and rock'n roll with a different attitude are they the same how has it changed? Whats the perspective? the lifestyle? and why do I write like I'm talking to someone and expecting feedback?

Then and now... (19 and 59)

sex

I think its changed. definitely still happening, still talked about.
1950's;  “A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.” 
― Marilyn Monroe
1990's “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all. None of them liked art or music. They just wanted to fight and get laid. It was many years ago but it gave me this real hatred for the average American macho male.” 
― Kurt Cobain
this century “I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” 
― Margaret Cho
Growing up it was talked about in my home "NO NO NO NO NO"! I feel like I talked about it with my kids, but they seem to not have heard what I think I said! I always swore it was Clintons fault that it changed so in the media.  Back in the day my first response would have been words like Curious, Reverence and Marriage. Now sadly my first response is Preference?, Porn, Abuse, fear and human trafficking.

drugs

Still out there. Still prevalent in most peoples lives in one way or another. Talked about way more openly which seems like it would help in the avoidance of addiction, but I don't really see that. Legal use of pills and weed are taking peoples free agency away not aiding in it.

rock'nRoll or Country!!  

Music is a mood enhancer and a mood killer. I can't find music anymore for the me that is me now.  Help!!!  I like it all from late 60's / early 70s's country/Western, Rock and Motown and then the 90's!

I still want music in my life and it hasn't changed at all what I like. For instance the other day I swept with a small brush sand into place around patio rock and listened to a playlist called "light" yes inspirational almost religious songs. It was deeply methodical and relaxing I discovered that I really enjoyed the combination of the two things. Then this morning I listened to a playlist entitled "Should I stay or should I go" In the midst of it I was crying and depressed and searching again for who I am, not very motivational for a work out!!!

Rejection 

I think this might be my toughest one. My most sensitive one that I work on today.  One of my sons told me recently he reads my blog but I "should write more present day" - hum I think I've found a topic. I don't write present day cuz it's so "out there" then! (I guess that goes with my Profile picture thought! hum!) I didn't know this was an issue with me until right now! But I know it's the same at 19 that it is today at 59 I'm just not sure what "it" is!!!  I find myself asking is it rejection or attachment that I fear? 

Women in the work force

I used to say, when I was a (out in the work force) "working" mom and wife. "Someday I am going to write a book about working (out in the work force) women and the men that put them there"!  I'd still like to write that book but I bet my perspective would be different. 

On being pregnant

When My Mom was pregnant she did everything she could to hide such an embarrassing fact. Big tent tops and dresses totally loose fitting clothing no discussion with anyone about this topic.

The First time being pregnant I gained lots of weight - attitude going to gain weight anyway - take lots and get lost in group photos!!

My last pregnancy I gained the least amount of weight ... already had the extra pounds gained! - take photos and hide behind anyone I could.

Todays pregnancy she only gains the amount of the baby weight and wears tight fitted clothes or none and poses for lots of pictures on social media.
Pregnancy still happens but yes it's changed.

Repentance

then it was all about releasing all the guilt to someone now it's a real change of heart actually not wanting to do that (whatever it is) again.  It's why I am overweight right. I haven't had a change of heart. I still want to eat. 

eating

which leads me to eating!  then my metabolism would allow me to eat whatever whenever and burn thru it. Now I want to still do that and I still do do that and Bam! so this has changed and stayed the same I can control some of it but not all -- I hate stuff I can't control ... now that has not changed not sure it ever will!!!!

watching TV

I grew up watching TV alone with the family with friends. We all watched it together and laughed and cried and talked about it AT THE SAME TIME!  I still watch tv,  alone with ... Richie!!! No one does it at the same time any more!!!! So lost the connectivity there with all the availablity, plus not too much really good shows on anymore that a person can watch!  Tv is still there that hasn't changed, but WOW TV is very different.

Death

People die. Tim died. When daddy died I fell apart even more than I knew until just recently. When my sister died part of me died inside -the part where hope and bonding live, I learned about how we say; "we mourn with those that mourn" just ... well it wasn't true for me, I felt I was alone no one mourned with me. But then Tom Timmy Uncle Otis Aunt El never so empty as when Mom died. So death is the same people are still gone. What has changed is ... in life I see thru my own experiences the things these people attempted to teach me to my face that it took them being out of reach for me to "get it", catch on truly have more wisdom with the age of 59 than 19! 

and thus we see 

Life creates the lifestyle and because of it we are who we are so, Accept yourself. More than that don't judge others or attempt to be who you think they are, cuz they aren't that person at all!!! The house; it's home because of who you share it with. Love yourself pamper yourself teach yourself - Only You can save You!  Never give up and Remember who you are!

21 Days, 21 Days at a Time Rightly Applied

It is a new Dawn!  The small and simple things that I have learned over the past have led me to this new experiment of Trial and error, observing what I've learned and then recording how I will apply what I've learned and then following up on it thru this blog. Establishing Accountability and trust of self. All in the cause of the self discipline, being Healthy and not caving in to the addiction of self misery, self doubt, slothfulness, over eating and other assorted "Kelly Issues"!  I know it's public, it's out there... and if it's too self oriented, way too much information - well then STOP READING!  This is for me to be converted to my own new self established new program - 21 days, 21 days at a time to be a more healthy self, wife, empty nester, grandmother, friend, relative, church going woman!

The compare issue...

The one thing Positive that I look back on from my Youth was that I was always so proud to have a "Flat Stomach"!  My girl friends and I (and yes I did used to have friends I know that my children will not believe that!) used to stand in front of the mirror and inspect our bodies looking for imperfections. For example; I remember Debbie saying she was so much cooler than me cuz my thighs touched all the way down! Hers did not.  But on the other hand I had the flat stomach she had a pooch!  I'll stop there the rest really might be too much information and she isn't here any more to defend this conversation.  I miss you Deb.  When I graduated from High School I weighed in at 107 pounds and was 5'3".  I liked being considered short, sassy and lovable! a force not to be reckoned with lightly!

Life's consequences...

I lost my flat stomach after my first baby and continued from there to loose self esteem for the body, because that was the only "flattering" characteristic I believed that I had.  Well, I liked my freckles!  And now they have even turned on me and can all be considered perspective sources of cancer I have learned. Karma, life, trials all pretty much suck.  Then I go into self misery and doubt.  Hide in my house, don't answer my phone make excuses for going out and or Doing just about any thing.  Except when it comes to my husband, my kids or my seminary class and for them I would go and Do just about anything.  Which leads me to today, to this new Dawn in my life's journey.  No kids, No Seminary.  I've been this way for 4 months.  What is "This Way" I ask myself.  No life, No purpose, Nothing to do, No one to care for, again with the self misery, the self doubt and the wa! wa!  For the past 2 weeks I keep hearing that Wilson kid from the SEAHAWKS quote his Dad "Why Not You", if I was going to quote my Dad it would sound more like its time to "Shit or get off the Pot".  I am striving to do that today Daddy, wish me luck!

Change and Depression cause weight gain for me...

I can remember exactly the first time I bought (because I had to) size 13 pants! we lived in Vancouver Washington I had just quit my job to stay home and be a Mom. Making that change was a very hard "Choice" for me, but one I have never regretted any day of my life since wether we had money or not.  I can also remember exactly the first time I bought size 18 pants we were going to see Reba at the Tacoma Dome with some friends, I had gained so much weight I had only sweats to wear, we lived in Elma Washington Dec. 1995.  I have been on a roller coaster since that size 13 just trying to get back to a size 7 where I remember liking myself and being comfortable in my own flat stomach skin!  The following is me recording that roller coaster of trying, which in Richards words - "Trying is for Losers" has become my own downfall, creating walls with no windows some might call it - hermit status.  Then there was the day I had to buy size 20 - I was chasing 3 kids at home had a daughter in college and taking care of 2 older women living with us, not taking care of myself at all.  Roswell New Mexico 3 hours from anywhere!!   All I can say here is thank the good Lord for a church that requires a person to give by doing a "calling" which allowed me to give service and to study, pray, and learn all at the same time; it was in those days,  my only saving grace.

The Roller Coaster -

The Soup Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, Slim Fast, Metabolife, Eat and Be Lean, Weight Watchers, Take Shape For Life (Medifast), HCG, Solutions4 and Cleansing Detox all programs I have "tried" and both won and lost at!  In this dawn of a new season of my life I am going to apply the quote "Doctrine understood changes BEHAVIOR" by Boyd K. Packer from each of these programs I did in fact learn at least ONE thing that FOR ME is applicable and Best, something that will indeed create a lifestyle change using the knowledge that it takes 21 days to create a habit.   I want strong GOOD BETTER BEST habits in my lifestyle, I want to believe that they CAN BE to STRONG to be BROKEN.  That GOOD does WIN over BAD.


21 Days 21 Days at a Time

• Program
• Doctrine that I learned from doing it that helped me individually
• How will I apply this knowledge and change my Behavior   

1. The SOUP diet; it's highly good for you. It might be one meal of the day by the second day the soup is old and who wants to eat 8 bananas on wednesday!!??? Often we are willing to do the Great Big Thing, but not the small and simple things. Whatever, It makes since to me!  I'm gonna stop eating and just do this and then go back to what I was doing.  That doesn't work, not matter what the topic!  That isn't changin behavior.
2. The grapefruit diet;  grapefruit is a great meal for breakfast and who doesn't like bacon!
3. Slimfast; drink liquid don't eat food makes you loose weight.  Taste buds were never satisfied, I like food seems unnatural to ONLY drink.  Their is a need for protein, nutritional nutrients and must drink healthy!  Drink Water.
4. Metabolife; pills can boost your energy. Zane would ask "Why the hell do you need a pill when you wake up to get moving you just had 8 hours of sleep?".  Well my metabolism was screwed up.  Because I was running faster than I was physically able and thus turning to a quick fix.  Diet pills are not the answer.  Sometimes they aren't in the budget! Most times they affect the body in unnatural ways and can hurt your body even kill you.   Avoid chemicals and stimulants.
5. Eat and Be Lean; counting fat grams is a great skill. Replacing oil with applesauce also useful.  But on this program I was eating tons of muffins with converted recipes because she counted fat grams.  I am a carb addict.  I can eat a whole bag of chips, a complete bowl of popcorn WITH Butter, a foot long etc etc etc any time of day or night.  Along with the carbs comes the sugar.  If you know something isn't good for you avoid it.  At the time, I didn't really understand what works for her might be bad for me.  For instance; I taught my kids to never take a drink of alcohol. My reason was just this and I won't put my Father and my brothers, and my husbands Grandmother on the "A.A." list for them, I guess only they could have done that.  But it's in the blood and alcoholism has it's own consequences, is a problem for addicts and definitely runs in the blood stream of their heritage. Lets just say I got out lucky. My Mother, and both of her siblings had "The Sugar!".  My Sister died as a consequence of Sugar Diabetes.  I have the suffered and become aware of the toxins and consequences of Candidia.  Carbs make this condition worse and out of control for me. I "want" to say; absolutely No White Flour and White Sugar.   My Name is Kelly I am a "carbaholic", and a "caffeine alcoholic".  BEWARE and avoid.  This program did have a great record keeping format; journaling is a skill.  While eating, use this rule; in this order fill up on ... Water, Protein, Veggies, fruits, grain (carbs)! - for me anyway thats not the order she taught it!!!
6. Weight Watchers; Amric liked counting points, I did not. It has it's benefits. I will count carbs and calories.  I learned that I must keep track of what I eat.  I must weekly weigh in. I must take care of myself to enable me to take care of others.  Use a fork for dressing and condensed fruit is deceiving and a big waste of points/calories!
7. TSFL; small meals *3 hours apart, (they call it the 5 and 1 plan) with one meal of more substance. For me it is workable and achievable.  I lost 63 pounds in 6 months.  I had the best time wearing smaller clothes and mostly I remember the energy I had to keep up with Sammymantha, it was a Great summer!! I also started walking.  I liked walking, my kids bought me shoes that talked to my ipod and I loved that time for me. Be careful of your music choices it's really a time to feed your mind positive uplifting impressions. It's expensive, I don't always have the money to buy the bars, I didn't like the food in the cups nor the liquid drinks.  I really don't like ANY of anybody's drinks - I want FOOD! If I'm gonna drink-- well we covered that.  Because I ran out of money and my Mother died and I went into depression I gained this lost weight back plus 20 pounds.  I will continue to eat like clockwork every 3 hours allowing 100 calories at each meal and it doesn't need to be a bar it can be a hand full of veggies, a boiled egg, or a bowl of soup.  My substantial meal needs to not be over 600 calories.  Eat Slow.
8. HCG; 500 calories a day and drops of something that helps you not be hungry is wrong! But a great jump start to clean you out and get you started. But it's not over and it's not long lasting it's only a jump start - ask yourself whats next before even starting.
9. Solutions4; I learned so much, I will be continually learning from this program.  It's the applying I'm having a hard time with because it's such a lifestyle change.  I grew up on red meat and potatoes, milkshakes and cheese crisps!  Herbs are good for you (also super expensive), and come in all sorts of grades. Again no white flour or sugar, use Brown Rice - watch the carbs, fruit grows the candida. A Partner helps a GREAT deal - Richard did this one with me.  Must plan ahead and be prepared with your mind made up about choices, again keep a journal, budget money, calories, carbs and exercise is a must.  It's a mind thing, your mind has to be in it.  This program used We both lost 50ish pounds on this journey over the 5 months - 84 day set up for change in lifestyle program.  We also went down 3 sizes in clothes.  Also, again, SUPER EXPENSIVE.  When Stress happens or Vacations occurs don't say "it's ok to eat what I want for now".  If you have a office worker or family or friend making the effort to change behavior be a helper, a good healthy supporter not that person your mom never wanted you to hang out with. Don't be a tease, a tempter, a bully! Be positive, cheerful, uplifting.   Remember in the end though ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOU, sometimes you are all you've got.  Prepare yourself for battle everyday, Be prepared with the choice made ahead of time.  Even it's only I can do this 21 days 21 days at a time -ONE Day at a Time. Decide this - I will apply knowledge.  Experience is Knowledge. Wisdom is Knowledge rightly applied. 
10. The Cleansing Detox; I have felt toxic at times that is for sure.  I don't think it hurts to do some sort of detox twice a year maybe even quarterly.  Why not do a 24 hour fast Once a Month!
11. Isagenix so far I have not learned anything.  I have been buying the vitamins and "food" for a year now. I just can't committ I guess to  never eating real food again. The vitamins do seem to be a value and the protein shake is the best one I've tried. What do I need to motivate me to really DO this???

So for the first set of 21 days I  set the goal to exercise and keep a record/journaling.  I DID IT! I used the term the "4C's" -Carbs, calories, calisthenics,Cash. Over the years I am learning all of these things need to be budgeted for and reported on establishing accountability and trust.  For me it has to be done DAILY.  The next 21 days I will eat small meals every 3 hours - *5 and 1 - (as explained in number 7 previously) with continued calisthenics (the habit already established now) and adding get Up and Read!  When Amric left on his mission I wanted to sacrifice something too, as he was (is) my choice was to **keep the missionary hours (WOW I suck at this one) and not adding any "new" TV ! With all the changes in the last 6 months I am not teaching any more so I'm **not studying, I still read daily, but I'm not studying, the goal to make the habit "get Up and Read" will help with **both these issues!  My 21 day habit will then be choosing because I "thirst and hunger" (get it? it's about food) after good better best choices for myself, and not just because tomorrow I have to teach.  I want to Choose to be committed not be compelled to. It's just not in my nature, when compelled I will always make the wrong unhealthy choice.  With the help of my Heavenly Father I will be WISE!

note; 

• I didn't plan for this to be so long. I talk way more than needed to get my point across but you know that by now!
• I still don't know how to link this post with another post in this blog... so I'm using the labels to do that for pictures and posts about eating habits diet (see labels posted at bottom of this blog) soooo.... as they say -"use your words" in the "Labels" gadget also on the side tabs in the web version of this blog