Guilt

December 10, 2017

Sunday Go to meetin' notes!

Obligation  - Honor - Guilt - Sacrifice - Obedience  - Atonement - Belief - Perspective - Respect

So many mixed emotions today!  I know I hear you saying to yourself; “isn’t that usual for you my dear?!”  It’s just that I can’t talk this out out loud with anyone so this is where I come to talk it with myself!! Looking for my own inspirational mind altering thoughts causing a great change of heart!  No big deal‼️

Couple of things happened today causing both a stupor of thought and my bossom to burn, now looking for clarity and that firey change of heart.
My mind swirls with where to start and yes this is a bigger deal to me than you’ll think it is I’m sure of that!  Even at 60 I’m sorting learning defining my own beliefs rules guidelines expectations and so on and so on.
First topic doing something because you just think you are suppose to

Second topic how the atonement applies to me

“In the Garden of Gethsemane, He suffered so greatly that he sweat drops of blood as He pleaded with His Father. But this was all a part of His great atoning sacrifice.

[I once sat] in the shadow of an old olive tree [in the Garden of Gethsemane] and read of that terrible wrestling of the Son of God as He faced the certain future, sweating drops of blood and praying to His Father to let the cup pass if it might--but saying, Nevertheless, Thy will be done, not mine. … I had an overwhelming feeling that He wasn’t making His plea, He wasn’t facing that ordeal in terms of the physical pain He was about to face, the terrible, brutal crucifixion on the cross. That was part of it, I am sure. But in large measure it was, I think, a sense on His part of His role in the eternal welfare of all of the sons and daughters of God, of all generations of time.

Everything depended on Him--His atoning sacrifice. That was the key. That was the keystone in the arch of the great plan which the Father had brought forth for the eternal life of His sons and daughters. Terrible as it was to face it, and burdensome as it was to realize it, He faced it, He accomplished it, and it was a marvelous and wonderful thing. It is beyond our comprehension, I believe. Nevertheless, we glimpse it in small part and must learn to appreciate it more and more and more.” GBH 1997

We read this thought at church today and the discussion was across the board “a new thought”. The idea that Jesus wasn’t just asking to not suffer pain but the idea (in my words) of being the middle man.  The thought of carrying all the weight of the burdens of the world and the hope that people would “get it”, accept it, maybe even appreciate it.  The weight of being the arch, the support for all our woes, choices and sins.

• The question was posed to us “how do you feel about that and or what comes to your mind in thinking about this? My heart literally starting burning, pumping faster I wanted to burst out; "I know how that feels!" While at the same time thinking who do you think you are, and wanting to crawl away and sink into despair speechless at these thoughts.

I need to own my own 60 year old life and I start my quest with ... “my mother raised me and in so doing made me the middle man/girl mediator”...this is my perspective and how and why I think I felt what I did in class today...

I was raised by a mother who wanted her husband to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of LatterDay Saints, married to a man that she loves like no other who promised her he would join the church “if she would marry him”!   I’m the baby of 4 with a few miscarriages thrown in.  I was a “miracle baby of birth” or so I was always told. Along the way my brothers and my sister stopped going to church and I being of the sound age of 6 when I first remember hearing “it’s up to you Kelly Sue to save this family, to keep us together for eternity”.  This being a burden I didn’t want and hated all throughout my teenage years. Many many times praying for this “burden” to be lifted from me if it be possible! I still feel it today, I still hear her words and pleading today.  I pray to face it and Go and Do my part to keep us together.  This is my desire!

I do glimpse it in a very very small part, now I need to appreciate it and move forward.
Now today I am thinking; 'look what He did and does for me and even through all of our choices' and yet I am still asking myself who am I? And thus we see my dilemma!  Move on Girl move Forward.

Mesa Third Ward Reunites

#Perspective #Roots #Family #Time #Closure

And Not One Picture! (Really? me! the queen of pictures from the past!)

Thoughts on seeing, hugging and reuniting with friends from the past....

Pre - anxiety, fear and excitement - joy if you will...

But more than that, (believe me or I wouldn't have showed up) is the "feeling", the feeling I remember of being there in that building WITH them.  I lived in this ward boundary and attended church with these people for over half of my life (as of now!) and maybe especially because we have moved so much since we have been married I am overwhelmed with
love and desire to be there, to see them.
The feeling that the past is the past and for good or bad these are my people and that I accept them now and forever (of course should mean that they in turn will accept me)!!!

side notes...

I met at Urlene and Mikes we talked and talked and talked.  Amazing how without seeing each other for so long we can just pick right back up. I love her! We talked so long our husbands were very bored with the same stories and not that impressed with the fond memories of past boyfriends, memories of 3rd ward and family - Funny the different perspectives!

At the reunion...Lyle ask me if I remembered all the pictures of the Bishops on the wall in the Bishops office? I answered without a thought "Yes indeed I was in there alot"!  

I really missed the sliding glass doors to the overflow!  You know I was married in that chapel and had my reception in that cultural hall.

I Had a great conversation with Sister Willis. See I still say "Sister" my mom demanded respect that way - no one (well except Betty) was ever called by their first name. Still to this day it's hard for me to call people by their first name!!!

It was so cool to just "chat" with old friends. To hug the boy I sent on a mission. To hear the voices of leaders. To see adults that were children I taught and babysat. To see Tyson and meet his son. To know that life moves on lives and families are created and to be reminded that without the atonement life would be harder, uglier and less successful, joyful complete.

Back to my thoughts on the reunion...

I wanted so badly to see them all (this village that helped raise me) and "feel" something.  I wanted that so much that I paid lots of money to fly across the states to spend an hour and a half in their presence.  I'm not saying that every memory I had there is a good one, but because of them I am who I am. 
I have none of my immediate "growing up" family left, so I think that my association here is needed that "these are my people" these "are my roots" and yes I indeed believe that what I have in these relationships is family; the Parent figures; Harvey and Betty Green, Sophie and Lloyd Harper, Betty and Stan Abbott, Corrine and Fred Dewitt, Brenda and Terry Reed, and Liana Willis,  these are they who along with Bishop Watson, and Bishop and Toni Brown, Ella O'loughlin and Mary Jepson(who have all moved on to a better world) well, these are they who raised me.  So yes to go to a ward reunion for me was a "Family Reunion". 
With those parental figures also comes all the "siblings" - Urlene, Susan, Lyle, Sheila, Debbie, Jane, Renee, Valerie, Julie, April, Rhea, Terry, Bobby, Eldon, Mark, Andra, Tanya, Richard, Elmers, Tyson, Stacy, Tera, Marion, Taun the Jensens, the browns, the Flakes, The Sanchez, The Starks, The Abbotts, Ronnie, Timmy, Kristen, Tom, The Farnsworths, The Rowleys, Brother Ball!!!.... just to name a few who each one in one way or another had something to do with who I am today.  
Then the only "blood family" I have there in Arizona; Matthew and Olaf - I was SUPER blessed they showed up ... we are all of the "McCoy Clan" since 1961 that is left to REPRESENT at the Mesa Third Ward reunion. My sister had ties there and brought her sons up always including them in the Third Ward from blessings and baptism to friendships and campouts.
Which brings me to Iris!!!  WOW! As I looked around the room and silently remembered the people, the experiences, the building, that room and that stage, the pictures and slide show and comments... Mom you were woven in that tapestry inside and out. I couldn't see anyone that you didn't affect the life of in one way or another. I saw People that you raised.  People that you taught. People that you served with. Thank you mom for being my strongest root, my beacon in a storm. You Mom, were the light and example for me and so many others.  From Relief Society to Primary. From Young Women to Ward Camp Outs. Come Hell or High Water you were there to serve and support all of us. I watched that! I observed you in your actions of; "Observe and then Serve" way before it was "popular"!!  From you I learned so many many things and I can honestly say; 
"My Mother Taught me".  I'm sure many there the 25th day of October 2014 could have said the same.  You were indeed missed.  I felt your presence your arms around us, your unconditional love right there in that big hall on that evening.

Post - peace, closure, gratitude, joy in remembrance...

it was more about the people than the building, (I guess it does help to have the village!!) it is feelings and the bonds felt therein.  It was the traditions. The Unity. It was the Things our Mothers taught us, remembered with love, woven into it all was the Gospel that was felt, testified to and taught there.  

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!!!

We are Both Broken

This morning I had an epiphany!  It is that in Marriage we (the couple whoever the two people are) are both broken.  Religion aside when two people come together they merge with a past, world experience differences, and a slew of different habits.  Who are we to judge?  Seems our job is to only,  if we love each other and ourselves then we can help each other become better people everyday.  The first thing to do is accept that we are both broken.

I read others blogs and I learn, empathize and even get jealous because I want to write like they do.  My goal as I write I remind myself is to learn, demonstrate empathy and share the ability to grow progress improve with each experience, thought and lesson I have Daily!

Timmy 1985 as seen from Jail

Just sitting here bemused
sitting, not even amused
not eating, not drinking
not even thinking
everything coing hazy
I must be crazy
Oh Christ
where is my psychiatrist
tim 1985

In the gutter

I did mutter

as the water ran round

as I began to drown

flowing down the drain

going faster than a train

floating to the river

not caring what I give her

Just like going to bed

i must be dead.

TM 1985

I didn't run
I didn't have a gun
I had no knife
I ended no life
Now i'm doing time
for committing a crime
i didn't think
i even took a drink
timmy

Just like the bard

while playing a card

having a good time

I thought of a rhyme

you wonder what it was

what was the cause

did it fit like a glove

you read it above

Tim 1985

Kill Him
The guy in ten
Don't keep him around
Put him down
Kick him out
We'll all shout
Tim 1985

Day Eighteen

I'm caught between

the state, the county

im in whose bounty

I don't like to write

I don't like to fight

I am not very bold

But every day and night I am cold

Breakfast is supposed to be a meal

but here it is no deal

we have lunch and dinner

neither one a real winner

a deck of cards we have

 our time to salve

no other games

for us of no names

the showers are a joke

for in it we float

we can only try

but our feet can't get dry

someone took the dice

all have to pay the price

no rec for many a day

this the price we pay

no program of education or work

being here can only be a quirk

my wife I can't touch

contact visits are too much

living breathing flesh they must see

as every hour at night they wake me

where can we go locked up tight

But still they knock and use their flashlight

I have a hanger in my room

but stay clear the boom

because of some person of wit

we can't hang anything on it

By officers and warden words were spoken

by the state and county rules are broken

we are classified medium security

but locked up max for a surety

not even a little bit

do the guards like it

but it is their lot

to be part of the plot

on and on I could go

but all it does is fill me with woe

if I wasn't so blue

I could probably sue

You can Guess where we are

locked away so far

Cochise County Jail is the name

Why do the inmates get the shame.

Tim M 1985

Another one bites the dust!

Matthew 10:14 And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.

A scripture that has bugged me the last few weeks.  It was something. as I understand that the more self righteous Jews did, but also that Jesus taught the Apostles to do in a way of you taught them, they don't accept it, go privately dust off your feet and you can judge them openly on Judgement day.

I do not waant to judge anyone, nor do I want to be judged.  I sat down here with a thought to write and before I did so studied and read some more information about this scripture.  Thus I have deleted a blog entry and am reconsidering my stewardship of some things.  I was lead to understand a few weeks ago when i read this that it would be easier for me to "let go" of somethings using this idea "dust off your feet".   As I have read and pondered this morning, it's not my place to judge and especially not here out in the open.  Thus I will change my behavior and update my blog to only be about me and not the words of anyone else. My perspective is just that - my perspective.  nothing profound here, dang!  I really thought I had a profound statement when I sat down here to write today and what I found as I've read pondered and searched...was a chastisement, a kick in the butt.  I apologize if I've hurt anyone out there.  Let us watch our words - what's the old saying?  Do unto others - if for no other reason than, we dont want them to come back around and kick us in the butt.