An "A ha Moment"

Have you ever had that "Ahh Ahh Moment?

One day this fall I had one and I feel inspired to document it - I have felt so for a few weeks and just not done it.

Their have been people in my life that have come and gone.  Death is a thing; full of angst and sometimes it just pops up out of know where, I guess it will forever.  Of this I know of.
  
It is kind of the same when you loose someone and keep wanting to see them and you do everything you can and it just doesn't work out, the anxieties start all over again.

I was in Salt Lake driving around the city.  I knew not to even drive by his house. I respect his privacy, I do.   So I drove on, only letting him know I was in town.

Side note:
My older brother would go for years without checking in.  When he would call he would say to my mom; "no News is good news" and laugh while she cried.  Maybe he hurt when he checked in? I know he always said it was easier for his kids if he just stayed away. I always thought his way of thinking was skewed but maybe it left me with a more open mind and heart with better understanding now. 

Then on another occasion, a few weeks later driving thru Salt Lake on the freeway going North, it happened;  I had that "A ha Moment"!!!     "It hurts him to see you, cuz it brings it all to the surface. It's not that he doesn't care he just can't go there, not now."
Literally those words in my head, and I understood better why and because I love him I have stepped back making an effort to let go more.  He knows me, he knows where I am if ever he wants to talk or needs a hug.

Life is hard out there - we need people!

#GoodTimes 

Am I talking to You or to Me?

Trifle not with sacred things

2014 Larry Kacher

• accept by faith those things you can not understand
• your Choices do not only affect you
• riptides can take many in the current of life
• establish patterns in your home
• develop righteous currents

I POaST about my life ... FRIENDS ... 1973 - 1975

 Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly...

Susan Draper
The summer before 10th grade Susan and I hung out at camp. She is a doll. 3 years older and 2 years ahead of me in school. She collected Frogs, kinda drove us all nuts!  She had the funniest giggle and full of life. We were together all the time that year - every where one went the other was sure to follow.  1976 we went to BYU together it was a blast.  We moved into a apartment complex as soon as we got there we found out it was girls only and we packed up and moved out just that fast!!! We went to Roman Gardens to live and so goes my college years.  But not hers, we hadn't been there a whole semester, I don't think and Lyle Harper showed up and enticed her back to Arizona they got married the next semester - March of 1977.  I was at BYU but Glenn drove me down and was able to stand with her as they took their vows! It was a great day.  I was and am so happy for both of them, both of them good friends of a life time.

Gaylun Smith and Danny Bang were best friends. I'm sure Hanging with Susan and Kristine had something to do with me also attempting to get to know these boys better!  I wrote him a note once told him "your in good hands" thinking he was going to like Susan and they (Danny and Susan and the like)  called him ALL STATE for awhile after that - I was so embarrassed!  Gaylun asked me to go to prom I was only 15, at first mom told me I could go and then she reconsidered and said I couldn't go.  When I told him at the last min he was pretty mad and that was the end of that!

Ricky Hamilton his grandmother ran the trailer park
 we all played together he was a fun kid.  We used to have rock bands together.  His grandma taught me how to write a check.  Mom would send me to pay the rent I didn't know how, Ruby Ratliff taught we.

Jackie Cook went school with us 9th and half of 10th grade
She was super fun and very nice,
She is Janes Cousin and we all got along very well.

I don't have a picture of Mark Carpenter but I had a talk with him that always and still sticks with me.  We talked about the gospel a few times.  We both "wanted" to be good, to go to church to "choose the right".  But doing that was a hard choice for both of us.  One day he said to me (from my journal I write); "It's like this Kel I'm young I'm in High School I am just going to choose to do what I want for now and be Jo Smith latter in life when it's time to go on a mission or something".  I myself KellySue I don't what to think of life like this, it seems willful and like you could get yourself into lots of trouble saying that right up front. At lest I don't want to be bad I just can't help myself. I need to just make better choices, make my mind up before the bad stuff happens. I'm going to try harder to keep myself out of trouble."

Jane Hatchcock went to church with me and school. I have mentioned her often.  I loved going to her house. Except the cats - she always had cats and new kittens!
She didn't get in my way and I didn't get in hers.
(I laugh at these journal entry comments describing my friends back then!)
We were very close and got along very well. On our senior trip to Disney Land we were together all the time, we had a blast!!!  I loved her ...especially in the 9th grade, her support and leadership skills were always an example to me, always.

Kristine Lewis she lived in my ward.  She and Susan were best friends, somehow I got to hang out with them upon entering High School.  I admired and wanted to be with that older group in my ward REAL bad. She worked at the Drive-Inn, we used to always go to see her - she was a great girl friend.  Her Dad, George Lewis worked with my mom! Her step mom was kinda - weird! Kristine got married Oct 24, 1975 I was happy to be one of her bridesmaids Susan was her maid of honor.

Bobby and I were always great friends. He and I were in the same ward for as long as I can remember.  He was always a good and honest friend to me. We went to grade school, Jr. High and High School together. He wasn't terribly active as far as church stuff goes though in our High School years he started coming to church. Which we all thought that was fantastic.  I don't know why, but we always understood each other.  We had some of the same kind of experiences in life that we shared with each other and we had some good talks about life.

Urlene next door neighbors for more than a life time.  We always told people we were sisters and when we were mad and denied it nobody believed us! We really were the best of friends. I always thought that something happened when she started dateing Ray and I started dating Terry that made her mad at me.  She went to Farmington and I moved away too.  When she met and married Mike I came home from California to be at her wedding, I can't say that I wasn't sad and disappointed to not stand up with her to be married, but I was really grateful to get off work and be there to see her get married.  She is beautiful people.

 

 the Saturday before Terry left we all went shooting out in the desert and of course Terry wore his only BLACK SHIRT!  When he left I went to the airport and saw him off I cried all the way home and "I layed in bed today and cried all day, Judyann and mom just shake their heads at me, but I'm hurting. What will I do without him here by my side?"  Little did I know or understand about attachment disorders or about being co-dependent.  I did really fall apart in my teenage world, it was the beginning of a long downward fall for me.

At church the next sunday I wrote in my journal "I just burst out into tears at church today the Sacrament hymn was "There is a GREEN hill FAR AWAY and I just started to fall apart."

OH MAN!  I had sent out a missionary and it was my intention to totally wait 2 years for him to come home to me.

 I became very close to Terry's family especially loved his sisters, I took Julie and Janeece took April and we went to the State Fair.  I also took Julie to school with me for a "home Ec class required I bring someone to cook for so today I took Julie I just love her so much she is a great kid she was so good today..."

From the MTC Terry wrote often

In 1974 I was called to be the Laurel class president. (I know you are wondering WHAT!?)  anyway... I wanted to do this right, I wanted to feel the spirit and make good choices.  I actually prayed about who to serve with me. One day at church I had been fasting to make a correct decision something just warm and lifting hit me all of a sudden to get up and move and lead me to Janeece. She was asked and accepted. She and I didn't know how to work with each other at first, but then quickly we became good friends and worked well together. We had some same issues with boys, she dated Lynn and I Ricky. In June when I went to Utah she went to California then we got back at the same time.  We had a great summer. We went to camp together and Lynn and Ricky came to camp and snuck us out (I had Kitchen duty the rest of the week!).    We went to Rocky Point and main street and did some crazy stuff.  We even had a couple of spiritual experiences together. Once when we went to Rocky Point, Sis took us to the Villa Granda and we danced and had a lot of fun ... they loved my skinny tan blonde friend!!!   First semester at college we took all the same classes except for Dance. We went to California a couple of times together with friends. When she got a job at Guggys that cut down our going out and stirring up trouble in town time. I worked in the day and now she worked at night. Her mother didn't like me, nor think I was good for her daughter. But any problems either of us had we had before we met and we only tried to help each other - I loved her as a friend and a sister.

Renee Natalie and Bev

 Renee is Terrys sister and I love her with all my heart. All of it, I do still to this day.  Back in the day We could have some REAL, and some serious, FUN, and good times and talks.  I tried to share my life experiences with her back then. She ended up being a better daughter to mom than me. Life is funny.

A Baseball Parable for Kelly

My baseball analogy.

 It must have been a serious inspiration maybe even a revelation just for me cuz it keeps coming back to me and helps me keep moving right now.  So we went to KC to watch the Mariners play baseball.  To begin with it was 13 innings.  6 people in the stadium rooting for the mariners (there may have been a few more but these are the ones we found). We felt alone (Us and the Mariner fans) and we found each other quickly when the KC fans told us to “Shut UP out of respect”  really ??? respect for what at that point they were winning???  I was amazed at people and how rude they can be.  Anyway side tracked not part of my inspiration just the back story.  It was Hot.  

Raul Ibanez ties the game

Ninth inning game is tied - which means we continue in this heat.  But also that the games becomes more interesting and for some it will be better than for others.  The Spirit is strong and the chanting "RAUL RAUL RAUL RAUL" rises!!!

Miller makes a beautiful double play 

Along about the 11^th inning it’s a double play beautiful, beautiful (dang it I can’t remember who hit it, all I remember (which is really the way the spirit works right? you might not remember what was said, but how you felt!) it was beautiful!  It happen so fast I was tired and HOT!  

Dang they win!!! 

 Later… Top of the 13^th it’s obviously tied - score is 6 up KC has 10 hits mariners 18.  – it’s a LONG game.  But it’s the atmosphere – right!?  It’s summertime, it’s hotdogs, it’s salty pretzels with cheese, it’s WATER!  

One thing I note is people keep leaving (why don’t people stay and support their team?) we loose some - why? - they can’t endure to the end. 

Then BAM Moustakas of the KC Royals hits a home run that saves their game!!!  Some didn’t see it.  The revelation for me was that revelation is like that - BAM! if you aren't paying attention you'll miss it and when you see it its beautiful and you'll always remember it and can't deny that you had it, felt it saw it.  When we keep the commandments, and we do what we are suppose to, inspiration comes because we are keeping the commandments and striving to be intune.  BAM! - now and then a real revelation comes your way, something so spiritual it gets you thru the next trial - maybe you don’t share it with everyone in a testimony meeting – it’s just that spiritual.  

Still it gives you a foundation, something to hold on to (or too!?!?!) a reason to stay in the game til the end.

I see so many insights and revelations for myself in this game.  I had been myself reading and studying scriptures and talks seeking guidance, having the desire to learn about revelation and so I feel like I prepared myself to be able to be intune to see it, like a parable... we learn when we are ready, Heavenly Father only teaches us what we can absorb and handle - be responsible and accountable for.  I pray to continue learning and to endure and not leave the game early, having other priorities or thinking something else is more important than paying my debt to God by living the commandments. I hope you will too.

Quote: “I am always humbled and grateful when my Heavenly Father communicates with me through His inspiration. I have learned to recognize it, to trust it, and to follow it. Time and time again I have been the recipient of such inspiration.” Thomas S. Monson

for ref you might read: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/08/in-his-own-time-in-his-own-way?lang=eng

Plow in Hope and Keep moving Forward...

And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.  

Luke 9:62

Last Saturday evening I had a great experience reading the scriptures.  I was praying and pondering, meditating about life and a few questions I had.  I felt lead to read Chapter 9 in Luke in the New Testament.   As I read, I wondered what is it that I am suppose to be learning here?  Vereses 37-62 seemed to be my focus.  I read them several times.  Then my eye caught it vs 62; "no man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of heaven."  A few weeks ago someone said to me "I don't look back".  That kinda hit me for some reason.  There are always things to look back on,I thought. But what I've discovered for myself this week is I have been, for the last several months driving forward while looking in the rear view mirror.  

Thus I have made some changes, extreme some may say but I am having hope in the future and digging in with my Plow.  This I am sure will give me more and strengthen the faith I already do have, especially in reading the scriptures, patience and Hope. The Lord's timeing is definitely not always, rarely ever my timing.  But in the last year, I have learned about timing and the importance of handing it over, in Faith, after all that I can do to Him.  Thy will be done.
My theme or motto for myself this year is "Exert yourself, Be Considerate!".  As I read, prayed and pondered over these scriptures Saturday night I thought; to "put your hand to the Plow" is an action it is actually work, it is exerting yourself!!  In my mind I see that if you aren't focused the furrows will be rough and crooked allowing weeds and pour nourishment to flow.  But on the other hand to really drive forward, hold my hand to the plow exert myself I would come clean and have nourished, straight, beautiful furrows and a harvest worth the reward.
In my opinion we should look back to Remember the learning pattern so not to repeat the same mistake.  As the saying goes "We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience."  While treating ourselves poorly, staying down, not getting back up we are not reflecting the character of Christ.  Surround yourself with positive people you trust who want to exert and dig in with you.   Set goals, go back to the "primary answers" Say your prayers (get on your knees in helps in that whole humility thing!), and read your scriptures asking questions and for direction.  
I promise the light will come.  
I felt prompted to do something that scared me after this experience so I ask Richard to give me a Blessing.  This week I've got my hand to the plow, I'm fully engaged - out with the "old me" and in with the new!  No more Depression (cold turkey), I am eating healthy (14 days no Black Soda!), I am cleansing my inner self (fasting), and I plan to go outside my house (be patient with me God!) outside scares me!  Confidence in yourself is sometimes very hard to grasp, I believe with God's help we can forgive ourselves, others and put our hands to the plow and exert ourselves with full confidence   RIght now for me, that might just be a seed of belief, it's a process and writing this is part of that process. In the verses pervious to 62 the man makes excuses for NOT digging right in, I pray to not make excuses for myself not let the bumpy terrain throw me off course, but if it does - to grab the reins and the plow and dig in again, not looking back and falling into darkness but instead, moving forward.  I hope you will too.

For our sakes, no doubt, this is written that he that ploweth should plow in hope; and that he that thresheth in hope should be partaker of His hope. 
 1 Cor. 9:10

choice, boys, grandkids, parenting, you name it!

Oh I wish that I knew how to listen and get inspired by God better, faster, easier.  The issue is this...  I can't remember making any decision as a teenager without wondering what boy would be there!  I think I have taken that to my mothering too!  I may have influenced a daughter to go to Weber thinking a certain missionary would be there.  I may have been swaying Amric to be nice to a certain young lady, because she is just that - a nice young lady.  I'm pretty sure Austin didn't listen to anything I ever said about the girls in his life and that he pretty much lied to them so they would hate me and never want to hang out at the house (so maybe he was the smartest of the bunch to see inside my manipulative soul)!!! Then the weirdest situation now I have the two kids that are my own  How do I look out for them, they have the weirdest relationship in the whole wide world.  How do I help them?  So in 1991 I was reading in my journal that life influences are choices.  Duh!!! My Mom isn't always with us, she keeps going to Judyanns and to Uncle Otis' why can't she just stay here with us!!!???  How's that for selfish!!!  Still I am making decisions for a boy!  I'm in it now though, for me it's an eternity thing...thus I need to make this work, hopefully we will and can learn to make decisions together.  My hubby was even sad about Mom leaving, but I think he might just want a babysitter!  We shouldn't just want grandmas' for babysitters!!!  Grandmas' are people too, no matter how old we get we are still 17 inside!!!!  It looks like in Feb 1996 Nanny went back to Mexico and Gramma moved in!  22 days later Gramma was gone! I guess she didn't really like it here!    Well I keep striving to bring this back around to my opening statement!!! Looks to me like other people make decisions for themselves...Maybe I'll start trying that!!!  Today I wrote to elder georg that life is a roller coaster!!

Feb 25 1996 Today is weird.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster with big dips!  One second I am Happy and hopeful and the next I think everybody hates me and there is no hope!
there isn't a clean room in the house.
Delia, is such a great help around the house!
Tomorrow we start a family color chart...Orangehubby, Yellowme, BlueApryl, GreenAustin, PinkAyris,  PurpleDelia, BrownAytyom, RedAmric, NannyRose. This applies to chores, plates, rewards, they will know!
Gramma called. only asked for hubby said nothing. 
I Miss mom.

Really life is a Roller Coaster and just keeps on spinning up and down Over and Out!!! Life lessons to learn over and over again!!!! HELP!!!  Inspiration - Please arrive!!!!