Chapters

The more things change the more they stay the same ... Or Do They?  

who am I and more important what is my life style

whats my "cause"? 

whats yours?

what brings me Joy?

you?

whats my lifestyle?

and you what is your lifestyle?  

Am I a Two Story farmhouse girl? A sandy beach house girl? A skyscraper woman? or a Trailer Rat? Am I a night time rambler or a Spanish Mansion? I think I might be a row house without a row! When I was a teenager I had the dream of a wrap around porch and dormers. When I was in college I thought a salt box was the way to go; stands alone one personality presents itself to the entrance and one to the back yard Strong and independent.  I had a dream once that I was in a house with long dark hallways and lots of rooms and so we bought the Ginny Lane house! I had a spiritual experience once that presented me the elusive "white house with a red roof" and it has been my vision ever since! What lifestyle lies in that house for me and why do I care? What kind of a house are you and is the house the life style? 

Profile

Today I was wondering why my profile pics in comparison to others is an older one from the past.  The answer inside my head was "I guess I liked myself then".  Which got me to thinking!
I was impulsive and acted often without thinking!!  It's nice being young and not knowing your family is poor or dysfunctional. In other blog entries I've skimmed lightly over my life history, stopping at my Young adult years of which that journal has been burned and only a few pictures remain; thank goodness social media waited for me to finish that section of my life before being fully instituted!!! This year I have the goal to not look back longingly. I have over these last few months been inspired with the phrase "Thru Him you can fix this."  April seems to be my worst month, my month of wanting to look back longingly.  The last 3 years have been so soul searching ... so weightganingly depressing, so looking back longingly. Now a days Richard is having his own searching conundrum. Anyway, I had all those thoughts in like a second after asking myself why I use old pics as a profile picture?!!!

and thus we see 

I liked myself! and then I haven't!  I want to again, but first I want to understand why I didn't and then have a change of heart.

Lets get on the magic school bus and go back

When have I "liked" myself? ...

I liked me as a kid

I liked me as a tween

I had my dislike moments as a teenager

What families did I like and fit in with and why...

DH...It was great being here. Family, chaos, love all kinds of personalities we were kids it was awesome. Residential  she built her own firepit patio with Brick BBQ

JH... I loved her home her mom was great everything was pristine and so I prbly felt like it was out of my league For heavens sake they had a living room with a piano in it!!!!

RG...I really liked the parents I fit in with them the siblings didn't like me so much! Rambler

TG.. loved being there, loved the siblings, parents didn't really love me that much so I may have been always on guard residential rambler with a basement

BP... hated me rambler with a pool (kinda!)

Young...I felt like It was a dream I'd never get this the farm, the attention, but the bars - awkward! Ranch in the mountains

ECP...they taught me what my lifestyle was suppose to be like. I wanted this. Everything about this I wanted. The dad the mom the siblings the house the yard the chores the respect the fighting the making up the prayers before bed the forever bonds. Residential 2 story

GB... love I could be myself here, well I wanted to be myself - I was still on guard except with Gunga and Papa they were real and non judgmental! small humble residential pool pool pool patio brick BBQ

The Stables... I loved it there. I wanted to be comfortable there, but no one around me was comfortable - they were afraid of Daddy and Tom - They knew I was not suppose to fit it. I never had a chance to see if this was my life style.

JA... No that was my time to be who ever I wanted. College apts, 20 something friends, I saw some things! I was comfortable and then guilty maybe in this house. In her family home I was always comfortable and loved the beach, weird for me cuz I don't like to lay in the sun or get in the ocean. I loved the camaraderie the since of people connecting going to lounge and visit, tortillas and salmon, brain tacos, drinking (me soda) and dancing, sleeping and family. I loved it I loved it all. BUT! I was Very uncomfortable with the second language.

VinDel I was the happiest here with this family! weird. I was part of something. I prbly did things with this family that teenagers do that I never did. OOOooops! But the family. I wanted the family. They did everything together. The drama, the love, the drinking, the hugging, the races, the religion, the chatting, the friend shipping, the dreaming it was all done together. No one covered up anything or anyway it didn't seem to me as if they did. They spoke english!!!!

lots more houses homes people have influenced me these are the highlights!

I love the quote  - 

“At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Now for my houses so many, too many to count...highlights! thinking Lifestyle thats it at this point!

skipping the childhood for now - thats a whole other chapter.

Spool table first apt.

garden boxes first trailer home!

patio patio patio

hated the condo

liked didn't love the luxury apts

back yard tinkering

pool

happiest in the house with the dommers but happy inside it with the wood stove and the family

large family rooms

pool hot tub fire pit

cool back yard for get togethers anyone and everyone

pretty much inside is for family outside for get togethers but in the rain country need space inside for all too I loved it love love loved it when my seminary kids or friends of the children came over

lake beach 

view 

and thus we see 

My lifestyle is patios BBQs water but to look at not really swim in and People!

I hope people remember how they "felt" and that it was good, and comfortable that they felt loved when being at my house 

Thats my goal, my vision my lifestyle!

How is being 59 any different than being 19?

So how am I at 59 the same or different and what and how has that made me who I am today.  The deal is I feel like the same person, yet I know I am different and maybe I don't want to be I want to be FUN, impulsive and full of Sass vs jaded, anxious and full!  Also note here I still write with question marks and exclamation points that has not changed. My grammar is definitely still me no matter the age!!  The more things change at 59 for me are they really any different or am I any different that I was a 19?  The point being you ask? I don't know it's just always running thru my brain every day and today I am writing it down!!  I want their to be a point I want to gain something and for you out there striving to find discover, or answer that inner voice asking yourself;  whats my life style, what kind of a house am I? Not the whole where did I come from thing? more because of life experiences who am I is it true that inside we are always still that same 17 year old kid cuz back then i would have said; sex drugs and rock'n roll and today I say sex drugs and rock'n roll with a different attitude are they the same how has it changed? Whats the perspective? the lifestyle? and why do I write like I'm talking to someone and expecting feedback?

Then and now... (19 and 59)

sex

I think its changed. definitely still happening, still talked about.
1950's;  “A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.” 
― Marilyn Monroe
1990's “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all. None of them liked art or music. They just wanted to fight and get laid. It was many years ago but it gave me this real hatred for the average American macho male.” 
― Kurt Cobain
this century “I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” 
― Margaret Cho
Growing up it was talked about in my home "NO NO NO NO NO"! I feel like I talked about it with my kids, but they seem to not have heard what I think I said! I always swore it was Clintons fault that it changed so in the media.  Back in the day my first response would have been words like Curious, Reverence and Marriage. Now sadly my first response is Preference?, Porn, Abuse, fear and human trafficking.

drugs

Still out there. Still prevalent in most peoples lives in one way or another. Talked about way more openly which seems like it would help in the avoidance of addiction, but I don't really see that. Legal use of pills and weed are taking peoples free agency away not aiding in it.

rock'nRoll or Country!!  

Music is a mood enhancer and a mood killer. I can't find music anymore for the me that is me now.  Help!!!  I like it all from late 60's / early 70s's country/Western, Rock and Motown and then the 90's!

I still want music in my life and it hasn't changed at all what I like. For instance the other day I swept with a small brush sand into place around patio rock and listened to a playlist called "light" yes inspirational almost religious songs. It was deeply methodical and relaxing I discovered that I really enjoyed the combination of the two things. Then this morning I listened to a playlist entitled "Should I stay or should I go" In the midst of it I was crying and depressed and searching again for who I am, not very motivational for a work out!!!

Rejection 

I think this might be my toughest one. My most sensitive one that I work on today.  One of my sons told me recently he reads my blog but I "should write more present day" - hum I think I've found a topic. I don't write present day cuz it's so "out there" then! (I guess that goes with my Profile picture thought! hum!) I didn't know this was an issue with me until right now! But I know it's the same at 19 that it is today at 59 I'm just not sure what "it" is!!!  I find myself asking is it rejection or attachment that I fear? 

Women in the work force

I used to say, when I was a (out in the work force) "working" mom and wife. "Someday I am going to write a book about working (out in the work force) women and the men that put them there"!  I'd still like to write that book but I bet my perspective would be different. 

On being pregnant

When My Mom was pregnant she did everything she could to hide such an embarrassing fact. Big tent tops and dresses totally loose fitting clothing no discussion with anyone about this topic.

The First time being pregnant I gained lots of weight - attitude going to gain weight anyway - take lots and get lost in group photos!!

My last pregnancy I gained the least amount of weight ... already had the extra pounds gained! - take photos and hide behind anyone I could.

Todays pregnancy she only gains the amount of the baby weight and wears tight fitted clothes or none and poses for lots of pictures on social media.
Pregnancy still happens but yes it's changed.

Repentance

then it was all about releasing all the guilt to someone now it's a real change of heart actually not wanting to do that (whatever it is) again.  It's why I am overweight right. I haven't had a change of heart. I still want to eat. 

eating

which leads me to eating!  then my metabolism would allow me to eat whatever whenever and burn thru it. Now I want to still do that and I still do do that and Bam! so this has changed and stayed the same I can control some of it but not all -- I hate stuff I can't control ... now that has not changed not sure it ever will!!!!

watching TV

I grew up watching TV alone with the family with friends. We all watched it together and laughed and cried and talked about it AT THE SAME TIME!  I still watch tv,  alone with ... Richie!!! No one does it at the same time any more!!!! So lost the connectivity there with all the availablity, plus not too much really good shows on anymore that a person can watch!  Tv is still there that hasn't changed, but WOW TV is very different.

Death

People die. Tim died. When daddy died I fell apart even more than I knew until just recently. When my sister died part of me died inside -the part where hope and bonding live, I learned about how we say; "we mourn with those that mourn" just ... well it wasn't true for me, I felt I was alone no one mourned with me. But then Tom Timmy Uncle Otis Aunt El never so empty as when Mom died. So death is the same people are still gone. What has changed is ... in life I see thru my own experiences the things these people attempted to teach me to my face that it took them being out of reach for me to "get it", catch on truly have more wisdom with the age of 59 than 19! 

and thus we see 

Life creates the lifestyle and because of it we are who we are so, Accept yourself. More than that don't judge others or attempt to be who you think they are, cuz they aren't that person at all!!! The house; it's home because of who you share it with. Love yourself pamper yourself teach yourself - Only You can save You!  Never give up and Remember who you are!

For the results of the influence you exert you are held accountable

Exert yourself reflect as Jesus Christ did the Love of God.

Oh that I could always love like this:  Romans 8:37-39http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/rom/8?lang=eng

Because of this love we find our strength to His love of God and us.

(If you don't have time to read at least watch the video at the end...)   

Definitions:

Reflection; n. Act of casting back an image, as with a mirror, or a blueprint.

In computer science it is the process which a computer program will observe and modify its own structure and behavior.

In geometry the reflected image is always the same size, it just faces the other way. As in a pattern for sewing.

Reflecting; v. the act of being reflected. An image; representation or counterpart. resemble.  Synonyms with an echo.

Reflecting is a technique well worth learning

Quotes:

It’s been said that

“A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.”

From Lorenzo Snow we learn

“You exert a certain degree of influence, and be it ever so small, it affects some person or persons, and for the results of the influence you exert you are held accountable. You, therefore, whether you acknowledge it or not, have assumed an importance before God and man that cannot be overlooked. ”

M. Russell Ballard put it this way….

“what I say applies equally to grandmothers, aunts, sisters, stepmothers, mothers-in-law, leaders, and other mentors who sometimes fill the gaps for these significant mother-daughter relationships.

”If the mothers are modest so are the girls. If the mothers wear flip-flops and other casual clothing to sacrament meeting, so do their daughters. ..Throughout history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values...show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”… “When you are willing to listen and learn, some of life’s most meaningful teachings come from those who have gone before you. . . . How much better your life will be if you will follow the noble example of the faithful followers of Christ 

                     and to not leave out the men he added:   Last October I spoke to fathers and sons in priesthood meeting, and today I have spoken mostly to mothers and daughters. In each case my message has been different but similar. I hope you are listening and see a pattern and hear a steady, consistent message that in these last days it is essential—even critical—that parents and children listen to and learn from one another. These are not just ethereal (or light) concepts about which I have been speaking. They are the essence, the center, of God’s plan for our eternal happiness and peace."

In searching this week for where we go to find our pattern, blueprint, image, technique there are so many scripture stories and of course the portrait of Jesus Christ to follow, it's His behavior, His Love of God that motivates Him, that we are striving to reflect in ourselves as in Alma chapter 5, http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5?lang=eng  where there are about 50 questions for us to evaluate how well we are doing at exerting ourselves to reflect His image in our countenance.

President Harold B. Lee said the sermon on the mount is “The constitution for a perfect life”.  President Joseph Fielding Smith called the Matthew chapter 5-7 ‘the greatest sermon that was ever preached” President Hinckley created and issued 9 B’s for us to follow in our lives I'm relating them to the beatitudes here.  They being given to us by the Savior in both the New Testament and third Nephi in the Book of Mormon.  One of the points of interest I found  in my studies this week was that in the Matthew version He tells us to “Be perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect”  (Knowing, that every thing He did He did out of the Love that He has for both His Father and us).  The difference in 3 nephi being “be perfect even as I or your Father in Heaven is perfect.

So what things did Jesus do that perfected Him that we can be choosing to do also?

http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/5?lang=eng

AND seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:  And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Be Grateful 1. BLESSED ARE the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Vs 3
Be Involved 2. BLESSED ARE they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.              Vs4
Be Humble  3. BLESSED ARE the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.                    Vs5
Be Smart    4. BLESSED ARE they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness:   vs6
Be Positive  5. BLESSED ARE the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Vs7
Be Clean     6. BLESSED ARE the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Vs8
Be Still        7. BLESSED ARE the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of god. Vs9
Be Smart     8. BLESSED ARE they which are persecuted for righteousness sake: vs 10and 11

Be Prayerful 9. Chapter 6 or 3 nephi 13 cease not to pray but pray in an order pleasing to God.

If we've done or are DOING these things, have these charater traits, which are a reflection of Jesus Christ  then we are; as it states in Matthew chapter Matthew Chapter 5:

14: the ^alight of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

 15 Neither do men light a ^acandle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

 16 Let your ^alight so shine before men, that they may see your good ^bworks, and ^cglorify your Father which is in heaven.

The sermon continues: He teaches them the 10 commandements and the new law of Christ which is Not only Thou shalt not kill but now Just don’t be angry! 

BEATITUDE #9!!!  Be prayerful...

Then in vs  44-48 But I say unto you, ^aLove your ^benemies, ^cbless them that^dcurse you, do ^egood to them that ^fhate you, and ^gpray for them which despitefully use you, and ^hpersecute you;

 45 That ye ^amay be the ^bchildren of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth ^crain on the just and on the unjust.

 46 For if ye ^alove them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

 48 ^aBe ye therefore ^bperfect, even as your ^cFather which is in heaven is ^dperfect.

Again he teaches us to pray and how to pray

Not to be a hypocrite in prayer or action

The importance of fasting – do it often!

And not to put material things or extracurricular activitites  as a priority

Vs 24 “no man can serve two master: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and depise the other. Ye, cannot serve God and mammon”.

He concludes with teaching us not to judge. Again reminding us not be hypocrites.  Reminding us to stay on the strait and narrow  - and I always like the comparison between us and trees, branches roots and fruit.  Where for by their fruits ye shall know them vs 20.

He reminds us that floaters don’t get into the celestial kingdom …

vs 21-23 Not every one that ^asaith unto me, ^bLord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that ^cdoeth the ^dwill of my Father which is in ^eheaven.

I am going to come back to this.

And concludes with the image of the house in the sand or the rock that the man or woman, teenager or child that builds his house upon a foundation of rock which is Jesus Christ will not wash away in the storms of life.  And is says “He taught this as one having authority…”

I like this childhood Primary song:

.    Tell me the stories of Jesus I love to hear;
Things I would ask Him to tell me if He were here;
Scenes by the wayside, tales of the sea,
Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.

I’d like to just share a couple of ideas, inspirations if you will that I felt that I learned from the study of The Sermon on the mount or my new “program for exerting myself to reflect the love of God as Jesus Christ did.”  I like to add to it there that he didn’t ask us to DO anything He didn’t do.  I personally think that’s the best teacher.  Really there are so many points, patterns, images it’s overwhelming thus my huge stack of talks and scripture references … so just will focus on a few. Maybe one with the time!!!!

1.    to reflect God’s love we can’t be a hypocrite.

A talk given by Quentin Cook “Don’t wear Masks” http://www.lds.org/liahona/2013/03/dont-wear-masks?lang=eng&query=masks  a really, really good talk. In it he reminds us of the anonymous ways we can wear masks to do things we wouldn’t do otherwise do.  When Prayer is mentioned in the scriptures it is often metnioned with no being a hypocrite.  Matthew 6:5 and Alma 31 just to name 2. http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/31?lang=eng

2.    To reflect God’s love we pray and fast often.

The Savior fasted.  One way He had the spirit with him to be able to discern when satan was tempting him.  In the garden the Savior prayed "Thy Will be done", he prayed for those that persecuted him, he knew what was happening, he was suffering life wasn’t good right then but He said "Thy will be done".http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/26.42?lang=eng#41

3.    To reflect God’s love we do our callings over the things of the world.

Heavenly Father knows our hearts better than we do.  My mom taught me; "Actions speak louder than words".  What are our roots? The service that we give is the oil in our lamps. Alma chapter 5 (mentioned earlier) has like 50 questions to review asking the question "is His image in our Countenance?" What are our priorities, our treasures, Jesus Christ picks simple, peculiar people to do His work because He was simple and peculiar He loved doing His calling. Many Many people in the scriptures pattern, shadow, reflect the Savior and help us to understand Magnigying our callings.  Today in Sunday School in Section 20 I was reminded that our callings sancitify us - how cool is that! http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/jacob/1?lang=eng (Jacob 1 and 2 great examples of this vs 19 in Chapter 1 - short version!)

4.     To reflect God’s love sometimes we shut the door.  Satan has character traits that can be magnified also, they too can be found in the scriptures a great example is 2 Nephi 28:21-23 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/28?lang=eng (hate, pacify, lull, carnal, cheater,liar, deceiver,procrastinator,bondage) choose to shut the door on these character traits and darkness - Open the door to the Light...this thought brought me back to about 2006 -I taught a jr/Snr seminary class of 24 teenagers. I’ll never forget the morning I showed the video that goes with Matthew 25 the parable of the 10 virgins.  When Ethan ask? He wouldn’t really shut the door like that would he? I saw his face, heard his voice as I do to this day. The answer unfortunately is Yes he will shut the door, He has warned and forewarned us, as a parent He has given us commandements to choose follow or NOT!  Sometimes we make ourselves sick with guilt thinking we are being Christ Like when we are only be abused, abandoned, in someway hurting our own self esteem which in turns messes with our salvation.  Sometimes, we can shut the door and reflect God's love.

Coming back to the Beatitudes...

If we use as President Benson states “The ten commandments and the sermon on the Mount are the foundation principles upon which all civilized government and our present civilization`1 are built . To disregard them will lead to inevitable personal character loss and ruin.  To disregard them as a nation inevitably will lead that nation to destruction.”

It’s my prayer that we choose daily to reflect the Love we have for God in our image as did the Savior.  The we can exert ourselves to live the 9 B’s. and that we are so prayerful that we can discern even to know when as Jesus will do we can shut the door on friends, family, habits, when They bring us down.  A fine line between being a peacemaker that gets used and abused and knowing this is harmful to my salvation so I am not even reflecting the light any more.  We can’t control other peoples free agency.

Use ALma Chapter 5 to evaluate and reevaluate our lives so that the door will be open and as in Alma 5:14-16http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.16?lang=eng#15 we can answer the Lord with;  "I'm Coming" because I am a reflection of thee and you know me" I am prepared and have my oil in my lamp.

The video:
https://www.google.com/search?q=parable+10+virgins+lds+video&aq=f&oq=parable&aqs=chrome.3.0l2j57j59j61j60&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Was is worth it?

Went to the cemetery to pay honor to my parents.

This is my Daddy

This is my Mother!

I wondered if they think I amounted to anything and if all they went thru for me was worth it?  

As parents we go through lots for our kids.  We probably only realize and maybe a little bit understand it, after we have children ourselves.  It can be a very unselfish thing to bring children into this world. I know my parents sacrificed and struggled in behalf of their namesake.  I hope I made it worthwhile for them. I pray that when I see them again I can hold my head up high with no regrets, but that too they will be glad to see me not sorry or wishing they'd done something else!
  While in life we might wish things were different, really we wouldn't be who we are if they were and I am glad to be me and wouldn't change a thing in my circumstance molding me into the weirdy that I am today! 
Thanks mom and Daddy for being my Mother and Father.

Snap out of it Kelly Sue.... Suck it up....

Live up to .....

suck it up...

So I've had some deep thoughts, well maybe not so deep but some troubling pensive kind of thoughts the last month....  lets see where I go with this....


So I've had a long conversation or two of late with the "girls" in my life from ages 2 to 32! (well she's not 32 but it sounded better than 31!)  In doing so I keep asking myself, How do I share with them the things I want most for them to learn?  How do I tell them how much I love them? How do I explain that life is hard - suck it up - and still let them know "you'll make it, it's going to be ok"?  

You'd think I would have learned by example ..My Mom didn't "talk" to me about life being hard. Except to say "Life is Hard, and then you die", My sister and my brothers taught me "life is a B* and then you marry one"!  So thats what I got!  I'd like to be a little more clear with my progeny. It's not to say that Mom and I didn't talk cuz we talked!  It seemed to me we talked about everything - except, I still don't know why she and Daddy lived apart since I was 4 or why she married him when she only wanted all of us to go to church.  I wish she'd told me these things even it embarrassed her, YET hold on maybe I don't.  (Side note; I had a leader once who was trying to "help" me "suck it up" or get me on the right road. To understand that life is hard in doing so she spilt her "story" to me - it didn't help me nor her I don't think, she fell back into the same cycle and today I only remember that awful thing that she did.  So my philosophy has evolved into one of not telling, or "confessing" attempting to be more like alma and describe the pain it may have caused and the redemption involved without the gory details.  The goal in writing and talking is helping others stay on the right road, or at least motivating you to suck it up and circle back and getting yourself on the right road. 

So I ask again - how does one help anyone else not have to travel toooooo far down the wrong road at all, much less before they can get back on the right road or never circle back around at all?  Comments welcome of course!  I put this question out there is the "FAmiLy LetTer" and that family letter "got lost" so I got no feed back from the "four corners of the earth"!


to be continued....

Me Myself, Mom & Tom, Life and Death

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun

and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf

a lot of secrets about myself

and fool myself as I come and go

into thinking no one else will ever know

the kind of person I really am,

I don't want to dress up myself in shame.

I want to go out with my head erect

I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth

I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that

I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me;

I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know,

I never can fool myself and so,

whatever happens I want to be

self respecting and conscience free.

A poem my mom made me memorize as a youth by Edgar A. Guest

I miss you mom.  Yesterday Richie and I were talking about you - about all your counsel, about how parents do know more than their kids but that kids won't, & never will admit that and learn without experience.  Sometimes secrets do come off the shelf and out of the closet, we can only hope before we meet our maker that amends have been made - as our parents have taught.  We don't always have to be the center of all the action and Drama around us that we shan't care about the mote in someone else's eye, but instead only be concerned about our own eye and be self respecting and conscience free.  
 thank you Mom for teaching me that.

I'm remembering today the days and the night we waiting beside my brother Tom for him to die.  It's such and empty hopeless feeling.  The visual of it never ever leaves your brains' storage base.  The race to drive to him from Washington to Arizona.  Austin, Mom and me ...and Tom, praying out in the little patio garden for him to not have to suffer, feeding him, reading to him, teaching him the Plan of Happiness on deaths door, the room we stayed in, the book we read together as he lay there waiting knowing the end was near, the looks between Mother and Son.  The look he gave me when I said you'll be ok - go find Big Sis.  And the moment he was gone.  The look of a shattered conscience.   He had gone to that hospital with the intent of being "fixed" of living and "fixing" things when he came out, I hope he has the chance on the other side.  It came over me like a tidal wave that feeling of whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free.  

Getting a little of my own right back at me!!!



This kid is really on my mind today and since feb is almost over including the Tolo date picture here~!

As I was saying earlier!!! what do I do to help these two kids!!! Maybe I should try something new and back out of it VS being the Jane Austen Aunt!!! Let them see what happens without striving to explain what she said to him and What he meant when he said that to her!!!! Since I am so great at communication anyway!

Whitney having a baby shower!  So happy for her and her little family!! Love Love Love Whitney!!!

Off to Apryls....While I am with Apryl we love to watch our TV, but I especially like the way that she brings me Jane Austen and all of her weird English novels.  I could never read them, but when I watch them with her...look out, I'm in and there is no stopping our little marathon.  It's interesting too ... I like to watch and study the relationships she has with friends, men and Aunts!!! 

Austin and Anona arrived, they are doing some job interviews.  .  . woodland Hills, Downtown LA who knows where he will be this time next year?? 

I'm still at Apryl's haven't heard from anyone except Tyler.  I guess he spoils me, so I expect everyone to text me all the time, too!  But just reafirms my lesson this month in the importance of staying in contact.

The grandkids throwing books, that seems to be a big surprise since Apryl likes the book so much!??  Tonight I was suppose to babysit but Sean went with his parents vs coming home to take Apryl on her Temple Date.  When will husband (boyfriends learn!?!?!).   On another issue... Really?  Why do people think I can't keep it together?  Apryl and Sean took me to the In-Laws tonight - they pointed out to me that they prayed for me...Really?  am I that awful that I can't represent without embarrassment???  I would like to help out more, But I feel like she doesn't want or like anything that is me - the person who I am???  Today we went to a cement park and took the kids to play.  I felt like Iris and Kelly were in the car only this time it was Kelly and Apryl!  Yikes!!!  I really could delv into this more the relationship between the mother and daughter, but not tonight.  It is so much fun to be here with Vaughn and Pax, neither of them took any time at all to warm up to me.  We had tons of fun playing, reading and playing more!   Be careful how you treat your mother!!! 

I miss my family.

Feb enteries almost over.  I am learning.  I am also thinking this is a big job and wondering how Julie (Julie and Julia) ever wrote everyday AND cooked!!!!   I want to write with inspiration and not just blah blah blah my journals say this and that today.... hopefully it'll pick up!