To self destruct or Not to Self Destruct....

IWhat a crazy last few months.  I was home minding my own business when Richard appeared and whisked me away to a new place, a place on the skagit River in the middle of no where with no internet! and then he suggested we MOVE there!!!  WHAT? I said to myself...I am just now settled again. I am Unpacked, I thought this would be forever - right?  Not!!!

i really like this quote too

To avoid all the details of selling a home when you've already moved and in this economy lets just go... long story short ... we ended up paying people more or less to buy our home.  Thus we have NO money any more and can't afford to live in the home we live in and it's time to pack it up again.  Well I shut down, closed the books, the blogs, the letters, the walls went up and Kelly once again I went into self destruct mode.  I found this amazing definition of what I've learned thru this last few months that I've done to myself my whole life!

thanks to whoever wrote this I couldn't figure out how to describe what I do to myself now that it's out there described and all maybe I can get a better grasp of how to overcome it.

Thus I am behind on my goals, dreams and anything that I would have wanted to do since FEB.  But in all of that I have been to Vermont, Arizona and Utah.  I have built relationships with my babygrands, nephews, nieces and children ( i will hit these experiences all up in other blogs).  I have moved, yes again and this time Richie promises it's the last - and FYI; he has NEVER said that before! I am unpacked, had family here to visit and even done some yard work!  

I've set up a great place for me to write, sort through all the things that I hold on too and now need to do something with and hope to be inspired and guided both in writing and sharing why these "things of this world" matter.  When I get tired I even have a place to sleep without going back up the stairs!!!

I love living by the ocean.  I am going to need to study up on when and why the tide is sometimes out in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon.  I mean I get it, but I do want to learn more about it.  I am grateful for this season that Richie and I have to build a relationship, home and memories together, to "fall in love" all over again.  Even now I find that I'm afraid to let go to really be vulnerable.

and this quote! totally me!

When family life gets busy, burdened and chaotic I think we forget to be "in love".  I tend to self destruct in any all relationships too, even from my youth.  Not wanting to be embarrassed, hurt or left behind.  As the saying goes "everybody leaves", I am living proof of that! It's heartbreaking.  It's prideful though to be the one that makes that happen.  But what I am better able to see these days is heart break happens. Find the good in each day and keep moving.  
Even though I put up the walls, I did strive to keep moving (it helps that other people had plans and I had to go with the flow) because if they hadn't drug me along with them I would have drowned in my own mud hole of SELF DESTRUCT.  thank you to my FAMILY for loving me and not deserting me, even when I push you away, don't agree with what you are doing or how you are doing it, don't answer my phone and hide you are always here for me.  
For that I am grateful.

P.S.  Note to self....  TIMING PATIENCE PRAYER MOVING 

Proverbs 4:5 - 7 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not...Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

August.   Home.    Job.    It's time to move again.  Some things you just Feel. 

House in October sat in it for an hour placed all the furniture.  Went to look at it the next day. Sat in it.  Immediately we started to "change" things; like buy the lot across the street cut down the trees knock down walls, put up walls, reassign drainage.  But this was all good, we still WANTED this house.  We desired to be and see the lake, put the boat out next to the house or down in the water.  HOA Rules boat can't be by the house has to be in garage. This last min knowledge was news to us.  Unknowingly after a few days maybe,  but for sure weeks we seem to take note that we had forgotten all about this house in our continued search for the "one" house.

Nov. The One house is available with Lease Option. I didn't think it looked like us. But it was the One thing that fit we moved in. I unpacked and set up again, as I do, For the long haul. 

Feb found house on skagit river went to the temple fasted felt good about it. Richard really wanted it. I could see us there. It was something we would buy. I support him, but I'm not excited about it. I shut down quit doing everything at home and at church. This idea faded and the choice was forgotten.

March went to look at house listed on Samish Island. Really like the lot. House needs thousands of dollars of work.  LOVE love love the feeling of being there. Now this is where I "Feel" good about living.  Realtor took us out to see it. and introduced us to a house just down the street. This is the house. this is it. Buy it now!  It was laid out for us, it wasn't easy we had to work at it thru paperwork and time.  But we are blessed. I love it here. 

Listen to the promptings be patient and wait for the Lords Timing.  One year later and two moves down the road we are settled and ready to get back to serving and forgetting self.

suck it up...

So I've had some deep thoughts, well maybe not so deep but some troubling pensive kind of thoughts the last month....  lets see where I go with this....


So I've had a long conversation or two of late with the "girls" in my life from ages 2 to 32! (well she's not 32 but it sounded better than 31!)  In doing so I keep asking myself, How do I share with them the things I want most for them to learn?  How do I tell them how much I love them? How do I explain that life is hard - suck it up - and still let them know "you'll make it, it's going to be ok"?  

You'd think I would have learned by example ..My Mom didn't "talk" to me about life being hard. Except to say "Life is Hard, and then you die", My sister and my brothers taught me "life is a B* and then you marry one"!  So thats what I got!  I'd like to be a little more clear with my progeny. It's not to say that Mom and I didn't talk cuz we talked!  It seemed to me we talked about everything - except, I still don't know why she and Daddy lived apart since I was 4 or why she married him when she only wanted all of us to go to church.  I wish she'd told me these things even it embarrassed her, YET hold on maybe I don't.  (Side note; I had a leader once who was trying to "help" me "suck it up" or get me on the right road. To understand that life is hard in doing so she spilt her "story" to me - it didn't help me nor her I don't think, she fell back into the same cycle and today I only remember that awful thing that she did.  So my philosophy has evolved into one of not telling, or "confessing" attempting to be more like alma and describe the pain it may have caused and the redemption involved without the gory details.  The goal in writing and talking is helping others stay on the right road, or at least motivating you to suck it up and circle back and getting yourself on the right road. 

So I ask again - how does one help anyone else not have to travel toooooo far down the wrong road at all, much less before they can get back on the right road or never circle back around at all?  Comments welcome of course!  I put this question out there is the "FAmiLy LetTer" and that family letter "got lost" so I got no feed back from the "four corners of the earth"!


to be continued....

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 1997

Patience in ALL things!!

once upon a time hubby was called to teach primary! the boys age 10 and 11!  He being new to Sunday School, expected the children to be well behaved and reverent!  To answer the questions presented as they were asked in the manual!!  These boys were not behaving that way it says here in the paper journal!!!  Hubby slammed his hand down on the table and demanded that they all "shut up"!  --

Those kids did an about face!  I was like freaking out and explaining we don't do that we can't do that we have to LOVE THEM!  Those boys grew to love hubby, and he them.  My how time flies that was 30 ish years ago, that would make them in their 40's -- that is just crazyness!!!  I remember that day and those kids just like it was yesterday.    When teaching it isn't the discipline, the preparing of the lesson the handouts that create the long lasting memory on either end of the learning scale - (the teacher or the learner) but instead it's the time, the one on one, the love that is applied to the relationship of student and teacher.


I have had some wonderful wonderful examples of great teachers.  Teachers like Toni Brown, Betty Abbott, Jill Beecroft, Mrs Hunsaker, Brother Kendrick, Iris McCoy, Sister Rowley and Brother and Sister Farnsworth these were teachers that I knew loved me.  From them I hope to have learned to be a great teacher too.This doesn't even touch the people that were just great examples and taught me outside the class room - but thats another blog!!!