Plow in Hope and Keep moving Forward...

And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.  

Luke 9:62

Last Saturday evening I had a great experience reading the scriptures.  I was praying and pondering, meditating about life and a few questions I had.  I felt lead to read Chapter 9 in Luke in the New Testament.   As I read, I wondered what is it that I am suppose to be learning here?  Vereses 37-62 seemed to be my focus.  I read them several times.  Then my eye caught it vs 62; "no man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of heaven."  A few weeks ago someone said to me "I don't look back".  That kinda hit me for some reason.  There are always things to look back on,I thought. But what I've discovered for myself this week is I have been, for the last several months driving forward while looking in the rear view mirror.  

Thus I have made some changes, extreme some may say but I am having hope in the future and digging in with my Plow.  This I am sure will give me more and strengthen the faith I already do have, especially in reading the scriptures, patience and Hope. The Lord's timeing is definitely not always, rarely ever my timing.  But in the last year, I have learned about timing and the importance of handing it over, in Faith, after all that I can do to Him.  Thy will be done.
My theme or motto for myself this year is "Exert yourself, Be Considerate!".  As I read, prayed and pondered over these scriptures Saturday night I thought; to "put your hand to the Plow" is an action it is actually work, it is exerting yourself!!  In my mind I see that if you aren't focused the furrows will be rough and crooked allowing weeds and pour nourishment to flow.  But on the other hand to really drive forward, hold my hand to the plow exert myself I would come clean and have nourished, straight, beautiful furrows and a harvest worth the reward.
In my opinion we should look back to Remember the learning pattern so not to repeat the same mistake.  As the saying goes "We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience."  While treating ourselves poorly, staying down, not getting back up we are not reflecting the character of Christ.  Surround yourself with positive people you trust who want to exert and dig in with you.   Set goals, go back to the "primary answers" Say your prayers (get on your knees in helps in that whole humility thing!), and read your scriptures asking questions and for direction.  
I promise the light will come.  
I felt prompted to do something that scared me after this experience so I ask Richard to give me a Blessing.  This week I've got my hand to the plow, I'm fully engaged - out with the "old me" and in with the new!  No more Depression (cold turkey), I am eating healthy (14 days no Black Soda!), I am cleansing my inner self (fasting), and I plan to go outside my house (be patient with me God!) outside scares me!  Confidence in yourself is sometimes very hard to grasp, I believe with God's help we can forgive ourselves, others and put our hands to the plow and exert ourselves with full confidence   RIght now for me, that might just be a seed of belief, it's a process and writing this is part of that process. In the verses pervious to 62 the man makes excuses for NOT digging right in, I pray to not make excuses for myself not let the bumpy terrain throw me off course, but if it does - to grab the reins and the plow and dig in again, not looking back and falling into darkness but instead, moving forward.  I hope you will too.

For our sakes, no doubt, this is written that he that ploweth should plow in hope; and that he that thresheth in hope should be partaker of His hope. 
 1 Cor. 9:10

Me Myself, Mom & Tom, Life and Death

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun

and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf

a lot of secrets about myself

and fool myself as I come and go

into thinking no one else will ever know

the kind of person I really am,

I don't want to dress up myself in shame.

I want to go out with my head erect

I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth

I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that

I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me;

I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know,

I never can fool myself and so,

whatever happens I want to be

self respecting and conscience free.

A poem my mom made me memorize as a youth by Edgar A. Guest

I miss you mom.  Yesterday Richie and I were talking about you - about all your counsel, about how parents do know more than their kids but that kids won't, & never will admit that and learn without experience.  Sometimes secrets do come off the shelf and out of the closet, we can only hope before we meet our maker that amends have been made - as our parents have taught.  We don't always have to be the center of all the action and Drama around us that we shan't care about the mote in someone else's eye, but instead only be concerned about our own eye and be self respecting and conscience free.  
 thank you Mom for teaching me that.

I'm remembering today the days and the night we waiting beside my brother Tom for him to die.  It's such and empty hopeless feeling.  The visual of it never ever leaves your brains' storage base.  The race to drive to him from Washington to Arizona.  Austin, Mom and me ...and Tom, praying out in the little patio garden for him to not have to suffer, feeding him, reading to him, teaching him the Plan of Happiness on deaths door, the room we stayed in, the book we read together as he lay there waiting knowing the end was near, the looks between Mother and Son.  The look he gave me when I said you'll be ok - go find Big Sis.  And the moment he was gone.  The look of a shattered conscience.   He had gone to that hospital with the intent of being "fixed" of living and "fixing" things when he came out, I hope he has the chance on the other side.  It came over me like a tidal wave that feeling of whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free.