Afraid to step off

Consider you are in SLC how do you drive to El Paso?  My huby and I we like the back roads, we take the long way around on all sorts of roads in life in more ways than one!  Why of course you take a four hour drive over mountains... it was beauty let me tell ya Grand Jct to Durango you must do it some time, take the time don't be afraid to step off the main freeway.  Well in some of those pull offs You Should Be Afraid!!! Hwy 550 in Colorado was an often traveled road in my youth. Not a road to be considered lightly! Views are spectacular, extra time should be allowed. It's on this road I had the thought, "don't be afraid to step off".  But then asking myself how to do that as a happily married "couple" well that's been enlightening to consider!!!

the road over the mountain

May 2017... But, I ask; How then are we to step off when our lives are so intertwined with the love of our lives, or our family or our work when we are controlled by other peoples choices - how do we step off on our own?  I can make choices and goals, dream dreams all the day long but when it comes down to it ... if he isn't going to step off with me - their ain't no steppin' off going on!

Feb 2019...I've been hand writing my "blogs" for the most part the past year or so, I do like coming back to see where I was at in my head, what were my thoughts I can see from my last entry more than a year ago I was pretty down and out I like using my blog entries (maybe they only influence or help me) so here I am.  I feel like I write more and in a little more depth of thought when I am typing it out on my blog vs paper so let us see where I am at here in Feb. 2019!         

 Lets back up where am I and why before I see where I am going to step off ....

I started this entry in May 2017! Entitled Afraid to step off, the title jumped out at me today and then in rereading it it seemed to only be gibberish -notes making no sense, yet it is exactly how I feel today  Afraid to step off, make the cut (Feb 21) so I am going to Step off here start blogging again and move forward. I am going to put up or shut up or as my dad would say "shit or get off the pot"!  It's time for me to Not be afraid to step off, afraid of answering the phone, afraid to open the door, afraid to write, to make a choice, to commit.

My Happiness Project Oct 2016-2017 stepped off well!  Executed and followed thru with, I was committed.  I will ever be grateful for my experience #MyHappinessProject.

Endeavour to be... 2018 every month I stepped off into a new goal.  Endeavour to be was in everything.  Megan bought me a necklace that I love and still can feel the desire to step off into endeavouring at something new (example of one of my topics).

My theme for life 2019 is "Consider Your Ways" so I have indeed been doing that with about every choice I have had before me, sometimes to the point of overthinking it.  So far in 52 days we have considered buying A Unity Motorhome, A 32' travel trailer, Trading in our truck for a different bigger beefier Truck, Moving to Texas, then Arizona, then Colorado and back to Arizona!  Each time it seemed "consider your ways" actually talked us out of those choices.  Yesterday we decided to move back to Washington!
Now in considering our ways I have reviewed all our moves searching for Why on earth He would suggest this when he is the one that wanted to prepare to retire in the Sun of the Southwest.  We have been married coming up on 38 years 20 of those years in Washington!! We moved often, we've stepped off lets say into 7 states and more times or houses than years! This is how I see it. Every time we stepped off it was for the purpose bettering the career.  Finally it's time for Us! We are the parents that didn't ever take time away from the raising of our kids, right or wrong in the long run it's what we did and now it's time for us.  And so we ask ourselves - Where do We love living?   We love Washington.  I loved it from the moment I got out of Arizona. He was raised in the PNW so he loves it too.  He asked Where would I live if I could live anywhere? I said Washington and here we go!!! Consider that will ya!!!

Mountain Baker

Now!
We are all moved in.  We have really gotten organized, we have gone on drives, walks, dinners ... now it's time to get back to work.  I have my own space.  He has his.   Some goals, some dreams require only one of you to step off, some require 2.  I'm not good at dreaming or imagining even which makes me afraid of stepping off of everything.  Of that which I can control I commit as I did in 2016 to step off and be productive.  Consider my old ways and better them, improve everyday everyday everyday to be a little better.  When you are not bread winner you have limitations, you can't just step off when and where ever you want.  You kinda have to follow the job.  It's a complete drag.  I feel like I let that make me dependant and more subservient than I pictured myself ever being. Control your choices to the edge of what you can control.

Neptune Beach just above Lummi Bay

 I am hoping and dreaming and imagining taking back some of my choices.  I will blog, write, sort, quilt, travel walk, maybe hike again someday!!! I consider it time to step off, I don't have much time left.  How many chances can a girl get anyway?

Last night I debated posting this, its committing myself if I do right!  This is my problem being afraid to step off to commit to be consistent with my goals, dreams and lets just say it - My expectations of myself -- I gotta step off.

again i say - Wish my luck!

The Job

Dana Whitaker: "The truth is, I have a job that involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time, and I'm not willing to do my job just a little bit. I want to do ALL of it. It's part of me, and I'm different without it. And that is who I am, and that is who you need to love." Beware!!!!


Today I have no job, no kids around, no seminary to teach, my attitude is like Dana Whitakers' it's all or nothing. I miss the chaos.  I miss the adrenaline of WORK of "The Job" whatever that job might have been.
My Mother taught me to work.  She taught me to go to work. She taught me to be busy and to lead.  I use to be so bothered when she retired wondering why she had such a hard time just relaxing, why didn't she just enjoy - Finally! - the freedom that she had to not have to work or go to the job.  I'm sure I took advantage of her presence in my house because she was such a "go getter" leaving her with the kids, "letting" her do the dishes, laundry or whatever. But today I get it, what else was she to do.  She worked all of her life, what was she suppose to do now?  

I on the other hand this past year, I have not been a "go getter".  

• When I worked, which I started doing at the age of 12 I gave it all I had.  
• As a young married I swore I'd never work, that my kids would not be "latch key" children. But after having my babies (the first ones any way) I could not wait to get back to work.  Yes I dropped off Apryl at Betty Abbotts one morning at 5:30 am and cried all the way to work. But I got over it!  Sadly.  
• Then I had Austin. Apryl never really seemed to care if I left her, she'd rather the "friends" even at a young age. But Austin, he never liked me leaving him anywhere, in fact he didn't like being left away from his home. But setting that aside (as I very much so did) I liked working.  Much more "atta girls" in the work place than at home. Sadly. I again gave it my all - working 60 to 70 hours a week, on the clock or off - I was there. They "that company" NEEDED me, I thought "I had a job that involved me, stimulated me and rewarded me".  
• Then one day My husband was gone.  I thought I could have it all work, kids and the social life. Three months later, I regretted my choice.
• Family was much more important to me and I did a reboot and made the decision, along with my husband to be home. To come home and be a mom. I have never regretted it, not one single day. But the adjustment was hard I reprogrammed myself to believe that my new "job that would involve me, stimulate me, and reward me" was to be a Mom.
• 26 years later a new chapter is starting, a new transition, no Wait - it started over a year ago. The problem is I don''t know what this job is but i do know; I am not involved, stimulated or rewarded. The relaxing, the darkness and well, lets just say it - the slothfulness have slipped in slowly, so slowly I barely noticed and it has me like a flaxen cord!!!   I kinda noticed but ignored it, like my weight which is back in Full Swing over the last year. I've sat back not engaging, not getting involved, not working. I've started over and over again but with no reward. I am a task oriented worker.  I did make a list of projects - I even have most of them done.  But raking leaves, pulling weeds, cleaning house even watching TV are so boring alone. Slap me in the face and kick my butt! I guess it's been a slow day.
• Oh Mom! I miss you! I get it. I'm sorry.  But I'm so glad Grateful and blessed that Richard supported me worked with me and loved me and that I got to be a full time mom and early morning seminary teacher.
• Tonight I pray my sons and daughters hear me when I say - make good choices. Your Job is your family. Double check your priorities. Be involved, stimulated and loved - in this is your reward.

Also; this wasn't going to be about my mother at all - I wanted to talk about me!!!  It's suppose to be about me and the fact that I like to work and it's time to pull my head out - wish me luck!

Hope, Peace Stewardship

WHERE DOES ONE TURN FOR HOPE & PEACE IN STEWARDSHIP

“Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children and then rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments.

...Motherhood is a holy calling, a sacred dedication for carrying out the Lord's work, a consecration and devotion to the rearing and fostering, the nurturing of body, mind, and spirit of those who kept their first estate and who came to this earth for their second estate to learn and be tested.” Spencer W. Kimball

In the weeee hours of the morning I had the remembrance of the annoyance I used to feel when my mother would get on her sad, martyred beat herself up soap box!  Cryin in her beer so to say about what a failure she was.  I had no empathy with or for her.

She would carry the burdens of the world on her shoulders and I thought for no reason at all.  She could not save the world, everybody in it or even her kids.  "Whatever mom" I would say to her, "they are all grown people, they decide they made the choice to live how they are ... not you - you can't do anything about that".

Well I tend to do the same thing now, so I guess I'm at least having empathy with her.  I worry about so many things that I can't control but like her mostly that I am a failure because of other peoples actions.  Which leads me to my AH HA Moment at the Weeeee hour of the Morning, I heard myself saying to her, "they are grown up people, they decide they make the coice to live how they are living".

All I can say is I did what I could when I could. I try not to be a hypocrite and I strive to teach of Christ and His teachings.  Now I pray.  For to think about it too long throws a person into deep despair - right where darkness grows darker and if dwelt upon I see more names than I can bare the burden of.  I want to have Hope and peace and not make myself crazy for “To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling... She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home--which is society's basic and most noble institution.” ― Spencer W. Kimball

SHORT AND SWEET just a little AH HA moment!

 http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/02/a-word-for-the-hesitant-missionary?lang=eng&query
http://www.lds.org/liahona/2013/02/balancing-truth-and-tolerance?lang=eng&query
http://www.lds.org/liahona/2013/02/balancing-truth-and-tolerance?lang=eng&query

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 1998

I am pretty sure my kids were not happy with this christmas letter!!!  Oh My! I told you I started blogging way before it's time!!!

The Ren's Olaf Graduates McClintock High School

decisions...decide to decide

Today in 1996 my journal notes are from a Know Your Religion (Gene Cook) I went to it with friends in Chehalis WA!

So from that entry I get today's blog...

First of all FRIENDS!  I miss having friends to go do things with.  Sunday someone spoke from the pulpit explaining that it took 3 years for them to feel like they fit into the ward and have friends, and now they feel like they are suppose to move so they are putting their house on the market this week.  I feel the same way.  How do we change that 3 year mark.  We need to make friends, be friendly faster so much time is wasted wishing we "fit in".  I am striving to change this about myself, it's tuff.  I actually went up to people and said "my name and what's yours" at the dinner on Friday last!  WAY WAY WAY out of my comfort zone!

Second we speak of inspiration, making choices, Decisions! Deciding on how, when and why to do things.  Elder Cook gave 3 directions on this

1. Be humble
2. Be Temperance
3. Be committed or COMMIT to it.

^{In the Book of Mormon the scripture reads  2 Nephi 32 :3-5}
3Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.

 4Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

 5For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.

My thought is if we then are prompted to move, or whatever the choice is that we are making things should be so secure in our minds and hearts that we aren't questioning it, instead we are free to not worry about our comfort zone and only going and doing, shaking hands, being friends showing confidence in our trust of making the right choice.

Elder Cook points out that we will feel our minds enlightened, and therein have peace, the holy ghost will fill our soul with Joy.  At the beginning of this school year Amric and Ayris both got a blessing from Dad, we like to call them "Back to School Blessings".  Ayris was promised that if she would go to YSA, look after her mom, pray and read her scriptures, if she would work and make a decision about school that she then would know what she should do.  I have watched her work thru this process.  I have been blessed to see how going down a road and having the road meet a fork and then she would regroup kinda start over and pray again making a choice to go down the fork one way or the other, she has been blessed with all of the blessings promised her in that blessing, I feel because she honored her parents, she reads and prays, she wants to keep the commandments. It's kinda amazing to see the comfirmations that she has received as each baby step has been taken AND to see how she was stopped along the way being led another direction, because that road is the wrong one!!!   Elder cook commented "If you think you haven't received an answer to your prayers Make a decision that you feel is best and the Lord will sustain.  These choices need to be based on correct and good principles."  Note to self, it's easier too watching someoneelse doing it than making choices for myself!  Apply knowledge!

I know that we are suppose to be in Omaha, NE.  I know that we are really grateful in this economy to have work and that I can still be home tending those who come and go is a GREAT blessing, one that we choose and thru thick and thin have committed to and for that I am grateful to Heavenly Father and to my Richie!  I know that being home as much as possible and loving my kids is most important to keeping us together as a family.  It's been tuff, it started out way out of my comfort zone.  I believe it's easier to go to work (for me!).

The moral of the story today is ... Be humble, temperant, comitted.  Make a choice and MOVE on it. Listen for answers.  Step out into the darkness trusting that God will guide you.  Get out of your comfort zone and make friends.  When we moved to Arizona when I was 4 it's been told to me that my sister didn't want to go to church because she being a senior in high school didn't know anyone I told her "Strangers are just friends we haven't met yet"!!  Me, I said that - the one who has a comfort zone and is totally fearful of the phone.  Fear is created and let to happen. Don't be fearful. Step off!!!

  

Silence

I cleaned the house in silence this morning! and afternoon...it did go on and on!  I really don't like all that goes on in my head with all the silence in the house!!!  I thought of so many things to blog about and so many items to get on my soap box concerning, which one ... where to start... what do I have to say about anything really that would be of benefit today?

Let's talk about silence.  My Daddy used to say "Silence is Golden, in other words Shut Up and get Rich"!  Goggled it and did not find it translated this way anywhere!!! But did find the following of interest:

As with many proverbs, the origin of this phrase is obscured by the mists of time. There are reports of versions of it dating back to Ancient Egypt. The first example of it in English is from the poet Thomas Carlyle, who translated the phrase from German in Sartor Resartus, 1831, in which a character expounds at length on the virtues of silence:

"Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together; that at length they may emerge, full-formed and majestic, into the daylight of Life, which they are thenceforth to rule. Not William the Silent only, but all the considerable men I have known, and the most undiplomatic and unstrategic of these, forbore to babble of what they were creating and projecting. Nay, in thy own mean perplexities, do thou thyself but hold thy tongue for one day: on the morrow, how much clearer are thy purposes and duties; what wreck and rubbish have those mute workmen within thee swept away, when intrusive noises were shut out! Speech is too often not, as the Frenchman defined it, the art of concealing Thought; but of quite stifling and suspending Thought, so that there is none to conceal. Speech too is great, but not the greatest. As the Swiss Inscription says: Sprecfien ist silbern, Schweigen ist golden (Speech is silvern, Silence is golden); or as I might rather express it: Speech is of Time, Silence is of Eternity."

How do you suppose we apply this to our wealth (pun intended) of knowledge?  In silence you find peace.  In silence the heart speaks to you and the mind confirms or vise versa!?!?!  Anyway it is a way for God to answer your prayers of the heart.  I also found today that it is a way to see yourself and analyze choices.  We don't get "Do Overs" in this life, but My hubby and I like to think we get new windows of opportunity, a chance to "do over" a choice or choices previously made.

We are doing alot of that right now, choosing, trading (hopefully trading up with our choices).   In my silence today I thought as it took me an hour to clean the stairs and the foyer that no one will notice, no one will care, no atta girls will be administered yet everyday the kids thank Heavenly Father for Dads job and thank Dad for all his hard work.  I am grateful for the blessings and grateful for the silence today. But tonight I listened to a Matron of the Temple speak of the reverence, the silence of working there day in and day out and I couldn't help but think I am the matron of my home and I am grateful for today's silence and appreciate the blessing of being able to be home to welcome, teach and nurture my family as they come and go even when they don't notice!  My goal in the end is to keep us together for eternity.