Want and Desire

Preface
Yesterday I wrote about not wanting to go to church anymore.  The word WANT then, was on my mind all night and day! I desired to find why.  I see slight differences in the words Want and Desire both by definition and in the scriptures, this is the result.

My Psalm of Want and Desire!

I Acknowledge thee Oh LORD, I know that thou exists and without thee I am nothing. Lost for sure. Help me.
I Come to Thee in remiss of my mixed emotions, wants and desires. Help me.
I search the WORD for answers and guidance. I seek to know Thee and Thy ways. Help me.
I want so many things that I forget to acknowledge what I have. Forgive me.
I forget to see the truth and the honest desires of my heart. Hear me.
Then recognizing the foundation of my life and the Joy that is therein. I Thank Thee.
I am thankful that the desires have been met of family, freedom, health, and that of being able to go to Church and worship when, where and however I can. Forgive me.
For truly my desire is to Live this Life completely and to find Joy in it with Family and Friends. Thank Thee.
I want in my desire to be fearless and take courage. Hear me.
I desire to see my family on the other side and want for us here in this life still; to be restored as a family forever and for always, to be forgiven and united. I Thank Thee
I want in friendship and desire to be a friend, Help me.
I want to know thee better and understand thy ways I desire to be at Thy side and at Thy feet when You come again, Help me.

At age 8 I did want to be baptized, I desire now to live up to my covenants, Please, Help me!
I am wanting in my habits for good, Forgive me.
I desire to have a change of heart, to not be a sluggard, slothful and greedy but willing to commit, and not willfully rebel, to be honest and have integrity not have the want to be commanded in all things, but the Desire to Daily Choose to follow the commandments. Hear me.
I want to give wholly my sacrifice and offerings; in doing so I desire to be humble, simple and endure to the end. To not want to look back longingly but instead go and do, showing my desire through actions to plant seeds having the desire to see the roots and harvest of the future that is Thy Will for me, I thank Thee.  Amen.

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 1994

I guess I couldn't bare to write all that went on this year in a Christmas letter, but I have journals full of craziness, emotional stress and Moving, Moving Moving.  We moved to Blanding Utah in December, but by Jan (6 weeks Later we moved back) all with the help of Lovena and Marty Clark!  

We loved Blanding I wanted to stay there, but the Job just didn't work out. 

 :( and thats all I have to say about that!

Remember I mentioned that Austin did some writing in the  8th grade!  This is what he wrote about this years experience!!!

"Angry People are not always wise"

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” 

The quotes are from  -  Pride and Prejudice

I want to say that I hold no regrets

I want to say that I have no vengeance

I want to say that I pray for him

I want to say that he is a Son to me

I want to clarify I support her

I want to admit I played a bigger role than I should have

I want to ask for forgiveness

I want to scream I don't need any

I want to be angry

I beg to gather them both up in my arms and say; "all is well"

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” 

Instead I am writing

Instead I am praying

Instead I am loving from afar

Instead analyzing the foundation

Instead I am recognizing time as it flew by

Instead I am attempting to make sense of it all

I beg to ask "Why did you hate that you loved her?"

“I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.” 

My mind reruns all the memories

My heart hears all the conversations

My eye sees the Good, the bad and the ugly

My perspective is that I loved, supported, chastened and let go but not in time

I beg to ask what happened? What about the covenants? Where is your testimony? When is it wrong to be kind? How do you know when to let go? How many times do you start over, forgive and forget? How does one forget?  What is it that you NEED to remember to never make that mistake again?

“I might as well enquire,” replied she, “why with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character?”

I send out messages

I send out love

I send out forgiveness

I send out a need for closure

I send out positive, needful prayers

I beg to ask Why did I not see "The Red Flags"?

"Pardon me for interrupting you madam," cried Mr. Collins; "but if she is really headstrong and foolish, I know not whether she would altogether be a very desirable wife to a man in my situation, who naturally looks for happiness in the marriage state.  If therefore she actually persists in rejecting my suit, perhaps it were better not to force her into accepting me, because if liable to such defects of temper, she could not contribute much to my felicity."

I am not angry

I want to say I love you  - "I Love You!"

Instead I close a book

My voice it does not slander

I send out my Perspective

I beg to be able to let go of something I can not control.

"Angry people are not always wise"    but    Happy people know when to let go....

My hope is if I put my perspective out there I indeed can both be happy and let go

KSMSTHEMOM

I can't trust myself but I can Trust in God

As I read I am getting the idea that I get "attached" to people.  I don't like to think that I do really, but as I read I see that I do.  I also see that I when invested and in some way fail or don't "feel" like I succeeded - I crash and I crash hard.  It looks by the journal entries like I have done it often.  So for the past year or so I just haven't invested, well I did in one thing and failed at that too.  Do you ever feel that way?  How do we move on?  Not build up walls?  Let people in again? Forgive others? Forgive ourselves? Let go of all the weight of maybe it's not gonna fly?

Some of my paper journals talk of fighting with my mom, my husband, my kids, of inviting into our home teenagers, children, old people, of moving and thinking "this is it I'm here to stay", of this is a really good friend oh wait not!, of letting go of people because of a move, a divorce, a death, of loosing jobs, of gaining and regaining too many pounds (that one is here a lot!),   well this is an entry on May 10 1996

"Trusting my spiritual guidance. . . I can't say my prayers very well lately, intact sense we had to move this last time (and that has been 16 months ago) I haven't been able to pick myself up and go again.  I watch TV a lot, in the dark after the kids go to bed just a place of peace and quiet where I can lock out all my misery and just engage in the story before me.  I keep trying to figure out why, why can't I let go of it? If I felt like we were suppose to move and it didn't work out and we moved back, then why go at all?  Why if I felt so strongly about something being a good choice did it turn out so crappy, so darn confusing?  Everybody thinks we are idiots because we move so much and we put families out so much especially Clarks they are and were so helpful and such good friends for all they do for us.  All of us can take a look at how to be a better friend from them.  Anyway I guess I'm asking why is it so hard to pray again to pull myself out of this darkness.  

Well this morning I have a new answer "I can't trust myself."  So how can I teach or tell anyone that something is right and that we should do that when choices I feel good about turn out to look to myself and others like complete failure.  Well from what I sit here and see as failure has also brought many many blessings that maybe I couldn't even see until now 16 months later.

Apryl is in a completely different group of friends (that i didn't know then and now know 15 years later is and was a wonderful blessing).  We did Temple work for family because of that trial.  I supported my husband, and he really is striving to do the Best thing, I learned that the house you live in isn't as important as the "home" you make.  I learned that it's the small and simple things that matter.  (there are lots of other blessings listed I won't bore you with them).  I'm afraid to pray again for fear of having to do something Else the Lord prompts me to do that might cause for me to grow and learn and gain wisdom but also hurt and thus the wall - I don't want to play any more - and thus the darkness.  I suppose I should let down this big tall wall get down on my knees thank God that I have been blessed with so much knowledge and so many blessings, both spiritually and temporally and get on with my life!  Stop hiding in my house, fearful of being an untrustworthy fat leader!  I do know that God lives, that Jesus Christ saved me from much pain and agony through His suffering because of that I can get on with my life and strive to be a better person, who am I to judge Him or even ask "Why me?".  Instead I choose to be more grateful and less prideful."

The season of Jenni!

We have these rally good friends that live in Vancouver.  They have turned out to be more than friends they are like family.  Since Richard feels like his family has disowned him and mine are so far away we feel very grateful to have the Parkers!

In some journal far far away I know I wrote about Jenni!  Well she was one of my girls in Young Women and has been serving on a mission as of late!  She's been home a short time and fortunate for us has decided to come live with us!  I'm so excited to have her here and to learn and grow from her freshly returned missionary status!!

She is going to live and work with Richard for the summer.  It will be good $ and experience for her to get back into the "world of labor" anyway that's our hope.  Hopefully it will be calm here and she can receive inspiration for what she should "go and do" in the fall!  We all love her.  Amric and Ayris kinda worship her so she could get pretty sick of that pretty quick!

I'm very grateful to have lived in Vancouver and I believe we are put into a place for a season for some reason ... Vancouver it was a "start over place for our marriage", and an introduction to a family that will be our friends for eternity.

WAKE UP and pay attention, be aware of your surroundings and ask God "why did you put me here?"  He'll answer, sometimes years later so be patient!

We talk to those who talk to us

I have the thought today that Heavenly Father might like it when we talk to Him often.
As a daughter I called home daily after I moved away from home.  As a wife I tell my husband everyday that I love him. As a parent, I strive to tell my kids all the time how important they are and that I love them and to Always Remember who they are.  I work to keep in touch with my few relatives left on this earth. It's frustrating and lonely to not have that connection.  When we want something is it then and only then that God hears us or sees us on our knees?  How grateful He must be if we check in often, if we Pray always and give thanks ALWAYS and not just when we want something.

Which leads me to a time we were moving from Coos Bay Oregon to Mesa Arizona.  We were driving a HUGE U-Haul truck thru San Francisco - have you driven through San Fransisco?  We were loaded down looking like a heavy duty Semi Truck going UP one of those hills in San Fran. we hit a red light.  When the light changed we put it into gear to go and the truck would not budge.  We were WAY to heavy to be in the predicament!  Our first response as a couple was to panic and call for help, but we look over and our babies 1st and 2nd grade had their heads bowed, their eyes closed and their arms folded...their first response was to pray to God to ask for help to please help the truck move forward UP this hill.  Huby and I look at eat other, smile feel dumb that it wasn't our first response and the quickly say thank you Heavenly Father for ALL our blessings.  The truck started to move and we had a safe trip through the rest of the city, with this experience we learned that we should always turn to Heavenly Father both to ask and in gratitude.

My momma taught me to say thank you.  To finish the thought that I had today, I believe we talk to people who talk back.  We need to talk back to interact with those around us.