Moms White Book of Remembrance Pictures

I am building a life history and searching and researching the stories, news, family history and pictures that are still around the house.  In the case of several black and white very cool photos I love the pictures but don't know who all of the people are, I am figuring out some of them thru ancestry.com and putting name to faces it is very excititing.  I don't want to loose out on these treasures hoping that someday somehow more names and faces can be put together.  So I am posting them here for others to look at and to be kept for the future.

Lillies Husband and son

Jess Durbin, Rosetta and dolores Mae

 Maude, Leona or lillie???

Paul Cunningham

Bennetts with Tim McCoy in Front

VL Cunningham? and Tim

Maude (McCoy) And Charley Reynolds

Want and Desire

Preface
Yesterday I wrote about not wanting to go to church anymore.  The word WANT then, was on my mind all night and day! I desired to find why.  I see slight differences in the words Want and Desire both by definition and in the scriptures, this is the result.

My Psalm of Want and Desire!

I Acknowledge thee Oh LORD, I know that thou exists and without thee I am nothing. Lost for sure. Help me.
I Come to Thee in remiss of my mixed emotions, wants and desires. Help me.
I search the WORD for answers and guidance. I seek to know Thee and Thy ways. Help me.
I want so many things that I forget to acknowledge what I have. Forgive me.
I forget to see the truth and the honest desires of my heart. Hear me.
Then recognizing the foundation of my life and the Joy that is therein. I Thank Thee.
I am thankful that the desires have been met of family, freedom, health, and that of being able to go to Church and worship when, where and however I can. Forgive me.
For truly my desire is to Live this Life completely and to find Joy in it with Family and Friends. Thank Thee.
I want in my desire to be fearless and take courage. Hear me.
I desire to see my family on the other side and want for us here in this life still; to be restored as a family forever and for always, to be forgiven and united. I Thank Thee
I want in friendship and desire to be a friend, Help me.
I want to know thee better and understand thy ways I desire to be at Thy side and at Thy feet when You come again, Help me.

At age 8 I did want to be baptized, I desire now to live up to my covenants, Please, Help me!
I am wanting in my habits for good, Forgive me.
I desire to have a change of heart, to not be a sluggard, slothful and greedy but willing to commit, and not willfully rebel, to be honest and have integrity not have the want to be commanded in all things, but the Desire to Daily Choose to follow the commandments. Hear me.
I want to give wholly my sacrifice and offerings; in doing so I desire to be humble, simple and endure to the end. To not want to look back longingly but instead go and do, showing my desire through actions to plant seeds having the desire to see the roots and harvest of the future that is Thy Will for me, I thank Thee.  Amen.

I've never not wanted to go to Church

Knowing that I am a sinner and knowing church is for the sinner then believing it's also for the saint 

I always want to go to church, I never not wanted to go to church. Worthy to be there or not alone or with family. Since I can remember, I liked how it felt.

When we first moved from Colorado to Arizona I was a child of 3 or 4
My sister was a senior in High School and VERY upset that our parents had
taken her away from her friends, her school indeed her very Life!
She did not want to go to church.
I remember standing in that motel that Sunday looking up at her and saying
"Strangers are only friends we haven't met yet"    Now I ask myself - How on earth did I  know that at such a young age?  I believe it was a gift given to me at birth.

The Child, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, to please Mom - maybe, but it was more than that.

When I was young I went to church with my mom, my brother for awhile, but not my Dad, sister or the eldest brother.  In my world the only thing that brought my mother happiness, where I really remember seeing her glow and be at peace show happiness was going to church.  My daddy didn't go to church, he told everyone he was Mormon but he wasn't, he wasn't because he didn't want to go to church.  The sad part for me was no body knew my Dad in fact most believed I was being raised by a single mom for one reason or another.  The happy part for me was those people, those church people became my family.  They helped raise me.
Recently I realized that the act of going to church actually taught me several things.  For My Mother to whom I am so grateful  - for it is she who took me to church every Sunday.  In that ONE thing I learned the importance of so many other things; being on time, listening, to look nice "because how you dress is a reflection of how you feel about yourself", Mom taught me to "sit still and listen", she allowed no snacks (which taught me self discipline or at least the need of it!), if given an assignment to fulfill I did it - being taught "you don't say no to a calling" and "responsibility",  she insisted on no gum - she said "it looks sloppy", the reassurance of a good hand shake and a smile that "it is polite to greet people with kindness and sincerity",  the art of speaking in public, to sing, to pray and to be part of something bigger than myself.  All lessons learned because I went to church. 

The Youth, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, even just for me!

Even when I wasn't choosing to DO the things My Mother thought that I Should be doing.  Even when I wasn't doing what I thought I Should be Doing.  I always went to church.  I always Wanted to go to church.  Looking back and recognizing my issue with self discipline I'm thinking church is a place I can learn, feel, recognize to be the only place I can see that I exercised self discipline.  That at church, for how ever long it was, I engaged in self discipline in lots of different aspects.  Because my Mother taught me to go to church every Sunday.

The Young Adult

The Sinner  I always want to go to church, alone.

For about 7 years I ward hopped!  Jumping ship as soon as someone knew who I was.  I didn't want to get to close, let anyone in, be hurt, let them down, be asked to do anything.  I felt like a failure.  I wasn't living up to the high expectations I had been taught that were expectations of Mom and of myself.  The expectations I had of myself, not even just the ones I knew that My Mother had of me. But I in fact still ... always wanted to go to church.  And I went.  I followed my sister to Rocky Point where she almost one handedly started her own ward up and we went to church! I jumped from ward to ward in Provo, California and Mesa. Being a single young adult and going to church!

The Young Married

The Sinner and striving saint!  I always want to go to church, with my family.

I married a man who loved me.  A man who accepted me for me, who knew and loved everything about me.  I have learned over the years, especially in the last few years you can't do any better than that.  In the beginning I tried to push him away.  He didn't go to church, he smoked and drank - I didn't and remember... I always wanted to go to church.  He went with me to church and has continued to do so for, well coming up on 34 years (2014)!  I will forever be in debt to a woman who knew what I needed and didn't follow the spirit by the book but drew outside of the lines and gave me a job in the church that kept me, reminded me of my covenants and goals and the need of going to church.  Being young married with kids and jobs and responsibilities is hard, tiresome and tricky to balance.  Going to church when you don't want to remember all the things you both teach and learn with the choice of going and of not going!  It's not only about you at this point!!!!

The Mom in the nursery, the primary, Mutual, Scouts, Sunday School, or Sacrament Mtg.

I always wanted to go to church with my family.  I taught my children the same things taught to me by my mother while doing the ONE thing ... going to church!  Sit still, be on time, wear a white shirt or a nice dress, don't run in the chapel, don't whisper while others are speaking, use your "church voice" and on and on you get my drift!  I hope and pray they always want to go to church. I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ. I know that going to church and to the Temple are uplifting, The commandments and as I have stated teach more than just the act of going to church.  I believe in families being forever. I know that Joseph Smith went to a grove away from the busy hub-bub of the world he lived in to find a quiet place and pray and ask, (because he consistently read in his scriptures and in them was directed to ask questions) his Heavenly Father what church he should go to.  I have a knowledge of the atonement and have felt the burden of sin be lifted from me.  I know the Book of Mormon is truly a witness of family, a history of peoples in the new world and Jesus Christ.  I have lost every member of my immediate family and could not have gotten thru any of that with out the knowledge of the plan of salvation.

The Wife, the semi empty nester. I don't want to go to church.

We have moved again, for maybe the 40th time in our marriage.  I have two bedrooms in this house set up to "look" as if I still have children at home.  But I don't.  I am busy organizing, doing family histories, writing missionaries, and ... well thats about it.  We go to church, we don't know anyone, only one person has spoken to me in 4 months (2014).  I swore this time, this move I would act more aggressive be more "in your face" and "I want to know you and fit in".  But I haven't.  It's even harder to do without kids and without seminary.  Richard has gone with me to Sunday School, but he too has not had one person talk to him.  They gave us a calling in the ward, that of being a missionary - which I think I said I would do, maybe even covenanted that I'd do when I got baptized back when I was 8 years old! I ask myself; "Aren't you (when I say you I mean I) already a missionary if you are a family member, friend, home teacher, visiting teacher???"  I have talked to people about my religion. It is especially easier when my sons were on their missions in Spain, Ohio and California.   I have taught classes and worked hard at being a "missionary" in all my days, thinking; "I hope one thing I say might convert one".  But this calling, working with my husband, as missionaries it's not going so good and we find ourselves not wanting to go to church.  My heart is heavy and sad and I'm not sure where to go next with this one.  I feel failure and heaviness so much in my life already, I'm not sure I need this to add to that very long list. I am lost.  Because I don't want to go to church.

The Adult, The senior citizen, the wife, the mom, the grandmother. I want to go to church

I was asked a question today about going to church and it prompted me to look for this old blog post.  In rereading it I am so grateful that I wrote it and yet again it is confirmed to me that writing is a blessing, a gift and completely necessary for my survival.  You'll be surprised to learn that we have moved twice since I originally wrote this and thus attended church in a couple new places.  An update on the missionary calling - I did all that I could do in the which I could control, without him because he just wasn't into it at that point in his life. Also I read a book front to back which I hadn't done in years; The Power of Everyday Missionaries, a reminder that we really need to endeavour daily to be positive happy people projecting to others what we positively believe in and know to be true.  From then on I've been ask to be a "grandma at church" and teach little children, it's had its ups and downs, my issues with attachment and anxiety being the draw backs here!  Because I never had the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents or cousins to bond with I recognize and appreciate the need for the church family.  The thing I've learned is to forget myself and go to work (I think I've heard that before!?) When I sit home and mope about being fat or missing the "good ole days" with my seminary kids, being sad cuz my childhood family is dead or wishing my kids live closer and that they all wanted to go to church (sidenote; that is when my mom would shut down and be depressed - those days when she blamed herself for the lack of church in the lives of her children, thats when the light left her), well that too is when I am thinking only of myself, it does me NO GOOD. But when I serve, study, endeavour to be something positive, remember that I can only control myself and and remember the things I learned becasue I never didn't want to go to church, thats when life is better for me.  I am so glad that I, only for a twinkling of an eye didn't want to go to church and hope and pray that I, moving forward, sinner or saint status ALWAYS WANT TO GO TO CHURCH as my Mother taught me for this is MY CHOICE!!!
 You hear me make it your one thing Believe in going to church every sunday!!! Wherever you are Sinner and Saint! #gotochurch #sinnerandsaint #familyfirst #forgetyourselfandgotowork #rememberwhoyouare  Also ONE MORE THING!  look around you when you get there ask yourself "Who looks like they don't want to be there" and go say "HI!" #speakup #bekind #gotochurch  

21 Days, 21 Days at a Time Rightly Applied

It is a new Dawn!  The small and simple things that I have learned over the past have led me to this new experiment of Trial and error, observing what I've learned and then recording how I will apply what I've learned and then following up on it thru this blog. Establishing Accountability and trust of self. All in the cause of the self discipline, being Healthy and not caving in to the addiction of self misery, self doubt, slothfulness, over eating and other assorted "Kelly Issues"!  I know it's public, it's out there... and if it's too self oriented, way too much information - well then STOP READING!  This is for me to be converted to my own new self established new program - 21 days, 21 days at a time to be a more healthy self, wife, empty nester, grandmother, friend, relative, church going woman!

The compare issue...

The one thing Positive that I look back on from my Youth was that I was always so proud to have a "Flat Stomach"!  My girl friends and I (and yes I did used to have friends I know that my children will not believe that!) used to stand in front of the mirror and inspect our bodies looking for imperfections. For example; I remember Debbie saying she was so much cooler than me cuz my thighs touched all the way down! Hers did not.  But on the other hand I had the flat stomach she had a pooch!  I'll stop there the rest really might be too much information and she isn't here any more to defend this conversation.  I miss you Deb.  When I graduated from High School I weighed in at 107 pounds and was 5'3".  I liked being considered short, sassy and lovable! a force not to be reckoned with lightly!

Life's consequences...

I lost my flat stomach after my first baby and continued from there to loose self esteem for the body, because that was the only "flattering" characteristic I believed that I had.  Well, I liked my freckles!  And now they have even turned on me and can all be considered perspective sources of cancer I have learned. Karma, life, trials all pretty much suck.  Then I go into self misery and doubt.  Hide in my house, don't answer my phone make excuses for going out and or Doing just about any thing.  Except when it comes to my husband, my kids or my seminary class and for them I would go and Do just about anything.  Which leads me to today, to this new Dawn in my life's journey.  No kids, No Seminary.  I've been this way for 4 months.  What is "This Way" I ask myself.  No life, No purpose, Nothing to do, No one to care for, again with the self misery, the self doubt and the wa! wa!  For the past 2 weeks I keep hearing that Wilson kid from the SEAHAWKS quote his Dad "Why Not You", if I was going to quote my Dad it would sound more like its time to "Shit or get off the Pot".  I am striving to do that today Daddy, wish me luck!

Change and Depression cause weight gain for me...

I can remember exactly the first time I bought (because I had to) size 13 pants! we lived in Vancouver Washington I had just quit my job to stay home and be a Mom. Making that change was a very hard "Choice" for me, but one I have never regretted any day of my life since wether we had money or not.  I can also remember exactly the first time I bought size 18 pants we were going to see Reba at the Tacoma Dome with some friends, I had gained so much weight I had only sweats to wear, we lived in Elma Washington Dec. 1995.  I have been on a roller coaster since that size 13 just trying to get back to a size 7 where I remember liking myself and being comfortable in my own flat stomach skin!  The following is me recording that roller coaster of trying, which in Richards words - "Trying is for Losers" has become my own downfall, creating walls with no windows some might call it - hermit status.  Then there was the day I had to buy size 20 - I was chasing 3 kids at home had a daughter in college and taking care of 2 older women living with us, not taking care of myself at all.  Roswell New Mexico 3 hours from anywhere!!   All I can say here is thank the good Lord for a church that requires a person to give by doing a "calling" which allowed me to give service and to study, pray, and learn all at the same time; it was in those days,  my only saving grace.

The Roller Coaster -

The Soup Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, Slim Fast, Metabolife, Eat and Be Lean, Weight Watchers, Take Shape For Life (Medifast), HCG, Solutions4 and Cleansing Detox all programs I have "tried" and both won and lost at!  In this dawn of a new season of my life I am going to apply the quote "Doctrine understood changes BEHAVIOR" by Boyd K. Packer from each of these programs I did in fact learn at least ONE thing that FOR ME is applicable and Best, something that will indeed create a lifestyle change using the knowledge that it takes 21 days to create a habit.   I want strong GOOD BETTER BEST habits in my lifestyle, I want to believe that they CAN BE to STRONG to be BROKEN.  That GOOD does WIN over BAD.


21 Days 21 Days at a Time

• Program
• Doctrine that I learned from doing it that helped me individually
• How will I apply this knowledge and change my Behavior   

1. The SOUP diet; it's highly good for you. It might be one meal of the day by the second day the soup is old and who wants to eat 8 bananas on wednesday!!??? Often we are willing to do the Great Big Thing, but not the small and simple things. Whatever, It makes since to me!  I'm gonna stop eating and just do this and then go back to what I was doing.  That doesn't work, not matter what the topic!  That isn't changin behavior.
2. The grapefruit diet;  grapefruit is a great meal for breakfast and who doesn't like bacon!
3. Slimfast; drink liquid don't eat food makes you loose weight.  Taste buds were never satisfied, I like food seems unnatural to ONLY drink.  Their is a need for protein, nutritional nutrients and must drink healthy!  Drink Water.
4. Metabolife; pills can boost your energy. Zane would ask "Why the hell do you need a pill when you wake up to get moving you just had 8 hours of sleep?".  Well my metabolism was screwed up.  Because I was running faster than I was physically able and thus turning to a quick fix.  Diet pills are not the answer.  Sometimes they aren't in the budget! Most times they affect the body in unnatural ways and can hurt your body even kill you.   Avoid chemicals and stimulants.
5. Eat and Be Lean; counting fat grams is a great skill. Replacing oil with applesauce also useful.  But on this program I was eating tons of muffins with converted recipes because she counted fat grams.  I am a carb addict.  I can eat a whole bag of chips, a complete bowl of popcorn WITH Butter, a foot long etc etc etc any time of day or night.  Along with the carbs comes the sugar.  If you know something isn't good for you avoid it.  At the time, I didn't really understand what works for her might be bad for me.  For instance; I taught my kids to never take a drink of alcohol. My reason was just this and I won't put my Father and my brothers, and my husbands Grandmother on the "A.A." list for them, I guess only they could have done that.  But it's in the blood and alcoholism has it's own consequences, is a problem for addicts and definitely runs in the blood stream of their heritage. Lets just say I got out lucky. My Mother, and both of her siblings had "The Sugar!".  My Sister died as a consequence of Sugar Diabetes.  I have the suffered and become aware of the toxins and consequences of Candidia.  Carbs make this condition worse and out of control for me. I "want" to say; absolutely No White Flour and White Sugar.   My Name is Kelly I am a "carbaholic", and a "caffeine alcoholic".  BEWARE and avoid.  This program did have a great record keeping format; journaling is a skill.  While eating, use this rule; in this order fill up on ... Water, Protein, Veggies, fruits, grain (carbs)! - for me anyway thats not the order she taught it!!!
6. Weight Watchers; Amric liked counting points, I did not. It has it's benefits. I will count carbs and calories.  I learned that I must keep track of what I eat.  I must weekly weigh in. I must take care of myself to enable me to take care of others.  Use a fork for dressing and condensed fruit is deceiving and a big waste of points/calories!
7. TSFL; small meals *3 hours apart, (they call it the 5 and 1 plan) with one meal of more substance. For me it is workable and achievable.  I lost 63 pounds in 6 months.  I had the best time wearing smaller clothes and mostly I remember the energy I had to keep up with Sammymantha, it was a Great summer!! I also started walking.  I liked walking, my kids bought me shoes that talked to my ipod and I loved that time for me. Be careful of your music choices it's really a time to feed your mind positive uplifting impressions. It's expensive, I don't always have the money to buy the bars, I didn't like the food in the cups nor the liquid drinks.  I really don't like ANY of anybody's drinks - I want FOOD! If I'm gonna drink-- well we covered that.  Because I ran out of money and my Mother died and I went into depression I gained this lost weight back plus 20 pounds.  I will continue to eat like clockwork every 3 hours allowing 100 calories at each meal and it doesn't need to be a bar it can be a hand full of veggies, a boiled egg, or a bowl of soup.  My substantial meal needs to not be over 600 calories.  Eat Slow.
8. HCG; 500 calories a day and drops of something that helps you not be hungry is wrong! But a great jump start to clean you out and get you started. But it's not over and it's not long lasting it's only a jump start - ask yourself whats next before even starting.
9. Solutions4; I learned so much, I will be continually learning from this program.  It's the applying I'm having a hard time with because it's such a lifestyle change.  I grew up on red meat and potatoes, milkshakes and cheese crisps!  Herbs are good for you (also super expensive), and come in all sorts of grades. Again no white flour or sugar, use Brown Rice - watch the carbs, fruit grows the candida. A Partner helps a GREAT deal - Richard did this one with me.  Must plan ahead and be prepared with your mind made up about choices, again keep a journal, budget money, calories, carbs and exercise is a must.  It's a mind thing, your mind has to be in it.  This program used We both lost 50ish pounds on this journey over the 5 months - 84 day set up for change in lifestyle program.  We also went down 3 sizes in clothes.  Also, again, SUPER EXPENSIVE.  When Stress happens or Vacations occurs don't say "it's ok to eat what I want for now".  If you have a office worker or family or friend making the effort to change behavior be a helper, a good healthy supporter not that person your mom never wanted you to hang out with. Don't be a tease, a tempter, a bully! Be positive, cheerful, uplifting.   Remember in the end though ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOU, sometimes you are all you've got.  Prepare yourself for battle everyday, Be prepared with the choice made ahead of time.  Even it's only I can do this 21 days 21 days at a time -ONE Day at a Time. Decide this - I will apply knowledge.  Experience is Knowledge. Wisdom is Knowledge rightly applied. 
10. The Cleansing Detox; I have felt toxic at times that is for sure.  I don't think it hurts to do some sort of detox twice a year maybe even quarterly.  Why not do a 24 hour fast Once a Month!
11. Isagenix so far I have not learned anything.  I have been buying the vitamins and "food" for a year now. I just can't committ I guess to  never eating real food again. The vitamins do seem to be a value and the protein shake is the best one I've tried. What do I need to motivate me to really DO this???

So for the first set of 21 days I  set the goal to exercise and keep a record/journaling.  I DID IT! I used the term the "4C's" -Carbs, calories, calisthenics,Cash. Over the years I am learning all of these things need to be budgeted for and reported on establishing accountability and trust.  For me it has to be done DAILY.  The next 21 days I will eat small meals every 3 hours - *5 and 1 - (as explained in number 7 previously) with continued calisthenics (the habit already established now) and adding get Up and Read!  When Amric left on his mission I wanted to sacrifice something too, as he was (is) my choice was to **keep the missionary hours (WOW I suck at this one) and not adding any "new" TV ! With all the changes in the last 6 months I am not teaching any more so I'm **not studying, I still read daily, but I'm not studying, the goal to make the habit "get Up and Read" will help with **both these issues!  My 21 day habit will then be choosing because I "thirst and hunger" (get it? it's about food) after good better best choices for myself, and not just because tomorrow I have to teach.  I want to Choose to be committed not be compelled to. It's just not in my nature, when compelled I will always make the wrong unhealthy choice.  With the help of my Heavenly Father I will be WISE!

note; 

• I didn't plan for this to be so long. I talk way more than needed to get my point across but you know that by now!
• I still don't know how to link this post with another post in this blog... so I'm using the labels to do that for pictures and posts about eating habits diet (see labels posted at bottom of this blog) soooo.... as they say -"use your words" in the "Labels" gadget also on the side tabs in the web version of this blog

A letter from Iris -- 1972

Moms Christmas note

Christmas family update letters really help with keeping records and doing Family History!!!!

Dec. 10 1972

Hi, Am later than ever this time -- in fact wasn't even going to write a letter this year!  But I like to get a note at least with my cards, so decided I should do as much.

It has been an eventful year -- with heartaches a plenty at my mothers death plus that of several very dear friends and with the separation of Timmy and his wife; joys to offset those things were having all four kids close by most of the year.  The pleasure of seeing and visiting with friends not seen for years (one very special one for nearly 30 years!!), a lovely week long vacation for Earl and I in Sept. after school began.  
Timmy finished a course in Motel Management and will begin after the holidays; right now he is with his Dad and Tom at the riding stable helping out there.  Tom doing his "thing" shoeing horses, working nights at a butter factory and Rodeoing on the weekends.  Judyann was awarded a CPS certificate - quite an honor and we are proud of her ability.  She Sectary for the Controller at ASY, still living in Tempe but spending many weekends in Rocky Point, Mexico.  Then there is Kelly Sue at home, a sophomore in Mesa High School -- living at home that is when there isn't something better going on elsewhere!!! She is taller than I and many, many pounds thinner!!!!

My job keeps me pretty occupied, and will either get worse or better when we install the new system 3 computer in February. I work with the young girls in church which is no small item and as time consuming as one will allow it to be.  As for the man of the house -- he continues the same old paths -- horses, horses, horses, tack, tack, tack!!!! He rents them sells them and trades them.  He is seldom at home but is feeling better again than last spring.
That is the yearly summary for the McCoys -- How About you???  We love each of you and would love to get a long newsy letter or better yet a nice visit with you here in the Valley of the Sun.

As ever,

We are Both Broken

This morning I had an epiphany!  It is that in Marriage we (the couple whoever the two people are) are both broken.  Religion aside when two people come together they merge with a past, world experience differences, and a slew of different habits.  Who are we to judge?  Seems our job is to only,  if we love each other and ourselves then we can help each other become better people everyday.  The first thing to do is accept that we are both broken.

I read others blogs and I learn, empathize and even get jealous because I want to write like they do.  My goal as I write I remind myself is to learn, demonstrate empathy and share the ability to grow progress improve with each experience, thought and lesson I have Daily!

Goo Goo Dolls - "Notbroken" [Official Music Video]

Pearl Jam-Black

Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken ft. Amy Lee