Guilt

December 10, 2017

Sunday Go to meetin' notes!

Obligation  - Honor - Guilt - Sacrifice - Obedience  - Atonement - Belief - Perspective - Respect

So many mixed emotions today!  I know I hear you saying to yourself; “isn’t that usual for you my dear?!”  It’s just that I can’t talk this out out loud with anyone so this is where I come to talk it with myself!! Looking for my own inspirational mind altering thoughts causing a great change of heart!  No big deal‼️

Couple of things happened today causing both a stupor of thought and my bossom to burn, now looking for clarity and that firey change of heart.
My mind swirls with where to start and yes this is a bigger deal to me than you’ll think it is I’m sure of that!  Even at 60 I’m sorting learning defining my own beliefs rules guidelines expectations and so on and so on.
First topic doing something because you just think you are suppose to

Second topic how the atonement applies to me

“In the Garden of Gethsemane, He suffered so greatly that he sweat drops of blood as He pleaded with His Father. But this was all a part of His great atoning sacrifice.

[I once sat] in the shadow of an old olive tree [in the Garden of Gethsemane] and read of that terrible wrestling of the Son of God as He faced the certain future, sweating drops of blood and praying to His Father to let the cup pass if it might--but saying, Nevertheless, Thy will be done, not mine. … I had an overwhelming feeling that He wasn’t making His plea, He wasn’t facing that ordeal in terms of the physical pain He was about to face, the terrible, brutal crucifixion on the cross. That was part of it, I am sure. But in large measure it was, I think, a sense on His part of His role in the eternal welfare of all of the sons and daughters of God, of all generations of time.

Everything depended on Him--His atoning sacrifice. That was the key. That was the keystone in the arch of the great plan which the Father had brought forth for the eternal life of His sons and daughters. Terrible as it was to face it, and burdensome as it was to realize it, He faced it, He accomplished it, and it was a marvelous and wonderful thing. It is beyond our comprehension, I believe. Nevertheless, we glimpse it in small part and must learn to appreciate it more and more and more.” GBH 1997

We read this thought at church today and the discussion was across the board “a new thought”. The idea that Jesus wasn’t just asking to not suffer pain but the idea (in my words) of being the middle man.  The thought of carrying all the weight of the burdens of the world and the hope that people would “get it”, accept it, maybe even appreciate it.  The weight of being the arch, the support for all our woes, choices and sins.

• The question was posed to us “how do you feel about that and or what comes to your mind in thinking about this? My heart literally starting burning, pumping faster I wanted to burst out; "I know how that feels!" While at the same time thinking who do you think you are, and wanting to crawl away and sink into despair speechless at these thoughts.

I need to own my own 60 year old life and I start my quest with ... “my mother raised me and in so doing made me the middle man/girl mediator”...this is my perspective and how and why I think I felt what I did in class today...

I was raised by a mother who wanted her husband to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of LatterDay Saints, married to a man that she loves like no other who promised her he would join the church “if she would marry him”!   I’m the baby of 4 with a few miscarriages thrown in.  I was a “miracle baby of birth” or so I was always told. Along the way my brothers and my sister stopped going to church and I being of the sound age of 6 when I first remember hearing “it’s up to you Kelly Sue to save this family, to keep us together for eternity”.  This being a burden I didn’t want and hated all throughout my teenage years. Many many times praying for this “burden” to be lifted from me if it be possible! I still feel it today, I still hear her words and pleading today.  I pray to face it and Go and Do my part to keep us together.  This is my desire!

I do glimpse it in a very very small part, now I need to appreciate it and move forward.
Now today I am thinking; 'look what He did and does for me and even through all of our choices' and yet I am still asking myself who am I? And thus we see my dilemma!  Move on Girl move Forward.