2 D's = The Drug! for The Depression!

Preface... ten / eleven / twelve!
Atypical despression click!- well it's the web's definition but pretty accurate in my case.  The following is a daily (daily for me!) journal of my first 30 days back from the lowest heaviest point I guess in the last 36 years.   I'm pretty sure I have layered myself into this - it wasn't one thing it was the deaths of my dad, my nephew, all of my siblings, the ups and downs of married life, the ups and downs of the scale! (which I now know are because that is how I deal with loss), and lets not forget the moves we've moved more times than I care to mention and one last week my husband suggested it may happen again and I totally felt myself falling literally falling wanting to get away from reality.  In this moment I understood, I knew, I realized why I never leave the house, why I don't make friends or commitments anymore.  Loss hurts and sucks and hurts again over and over it's always in your mind, your heart the moments of your everyday life.  I'm struggling to learn to accept it - that loss happens and not loose myself in those losses.

It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” 
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

I'm grateful for all those experiences I have had in life and as my Grandpa Lyman would say "It's Joyful to the purpose" but only if you don't let yourself get lost in the darkness.  It's not much my simple journal but I hope it might help someone else recognize release and relive again a life of light.

Yesterday Sept. 10 I began a regimen of Wellbutrin  for a doctor diagnosed problem of ATypical Depression.  I will begin a journalling process as counseled by my daughter Apryl.

DAY ONE

Sept 10... in realizing that I have to support Ayris no matter what she chooses about Tyler I had a little panic attack and decided to indeed take the pills prescribed to me.   in the afternoon without food just desperate  No energy, Cry at the drop of anyones name or the drop of a hat!, weight gain of 30+ pounds in one year, no desire to eat in accordance to my Medifast or "Take Shape for Life" program started in Feb of 2010.  I lost 57 pounds in 9 months.   I was feeling pretty good at the Blessing of Porter McCoy Noyes!  Life was pretty good in fact.  But since July of 2011 I have started on a down hill rollercoaster ride that I really saw happening but thought I was controlling.  Then August 2012 happened! Ayris and Tyler Split up and Apryl and her family moved to Vermont - I am crashing today and willing to ask for help.

DAY TWO
Sept 11 ... I actually answered my phone and talked to apryl today.  She laughed at me that I am depressed saying it can't be what is causing my headache s and said me and Ayris would end up in a bouncy room together :( maybe I wont answer my phone next time.  The point of this entry is - I answered the phone.

Anyway... Took my pill in the morning.  I even left the house (no answering the phone and leaving the house big deals in themselves both in one day - there is hope!) went to get amrics doctor papers signed and then to lunch at his work, he made me the best chocolate shake and I ate a whole (almost)
order of nachos!  Yummy!!!!

I couldn't go to sleep in the night and I didn't take any pills with caffeine or have a soda after three.


DAY THREE

I woke up at five 3 hours of sleep I took my thyroid and went back to bed.  Good sleep but tv style dreams, about Ayris Tyler and other boys.  He was "claiming" her as he realized others wanted her it was weird.  I get my best sleep from 5 - 7.

I woke up with a headache. It's 2:00 I've taken My depression pill, Tylenol , a fake excedrin and had 2 sodas, it's starting to subside.  Energy low because of headache.  Soda doesn't get me going any more!

today when I ate I just sat down and fell asleep... so this day not such a good day.


DAY FOUR
sick to my stomach
looks like rash on my right side
no doctor - I'm fine

DAY FIVE
today was weepy
I just want to cry all the day long
I want to DO something, but I can't figure out how.  I ask the boys. Nobody moves so instead of just doing it myself I sit.  It's awful.  I don't want to do anything.  I need to loose weight. I want to eat my food but I have to feed them and I dont have to the balls to do it, if Im cooking for people.  Need to call make an appt with doctor for therapy need to find motivation to start knew habits.
Got to talk to Austin tonight, that was wonderful. I love Austin.

DAY SIX
Today was pretty good.
didn't eat well, I started out wanting to at least.  I ate Oatmeal - but really I have to not eat at all or I just eat what I want.  MUST RETURN TO TSFL.
Did my chores didn't lay around, sleep or just be limp all day...but tonight I am tired.


DAY NINE
Tonight Richard and I went to the Temple, while driving there he asked me if I knew how long it would take for the meds to start working, If I am having side effects and if I thought I felt better.  Nice of him I thought to take an interest, to even remember that I told him about this project to "break the cycle and get out of this slump" I am in.   Anyway in doing so it reminded me that I hadn't written here for a few days so in looking back.  I do feel better.  Richard said that he noticed a more upbeat in me.  I have not been laying in bed all morning not wanting or even having the desire to get up.  I have done chores, more than just what "needed" to get done to "get by".  I am writing and studying a little each day.  I made some goals and I am working at them.  Also note that today I did 100% on TSFL eating habit and took no pain pills of any kind.

DAY TEN
I feel kinda sick to my stomach, but I have started my TSFL regimen again and I think it's an empty stomach that is making me feel nauseous so I'll keep my watch out on this.  I weigh too much, proving that since girls camp 2011 I've gained 40 pounds (that is in one year)!  I am striving to move more and eat less, this has to stop somewhere.  stay tuned.  Internet search shows that this is kinda a dangerous choice to take this drug, thus i'm aware, nervous and scared but determined to not be depressed any longer.  I have let myself progressively become more and more depressed since Judyann died then all the others and then this whole Tyler thing (see blog My Perspective not posted yet.). I also believe that I can not get over 11 years of depression by myself, I need prayers along with probably more than the meds.  Last night I slept awful, my lower back hurts on the inside while sleeping I thought it was my hip but this morning in feeling where it hurts it seems more like inside my lower back on the left between the middle of my back and side???? idk ill watch this took to fake excedrins!

Tonight I'm not tired and its 10:30.  But my eyes feel like they are blinking alot and I am seeing flashes of light on my right side of my right eye.  wish me luck!
Pray all the time be thankful ask what to pray for and who to pray about ... answers are there God hears you.

DAY11 Sept 20
I'm saying day whatever til 21 and then just the date!  We went to clean the Temple tonight, it always makes me think how much I need to clean the house better at home!!!  Anyway I took 1 Walmart excedrin tonight at 8:30 seems like my joints hurt (my hip and shoulder joints), not my head so much tonight - so that is good.  I ate pretty well but I did eat 2 lean and green meals vs one.

DAY 12 Sept 21  this day was a bust.  But I don't believe I'm depressed...just life didn't work well today Amric and Dad at odds.
Day 13 Sep 22 Today was better.  Lots of stuff done around here all 3 of us are moving.
DAY 14 Sept 23  One Soda. Ate perfect except a hand full of licorice.  Doing well, not crying. Lost 4 pounds.

DAY 15 Sept 24 - Oct 1 I was in Utah distracted with My daughter and grandkids!!!  But to check in only one day did I just feel low down and cry at the mention of nothing I would just cry.  Ridiculous.
doubt is darkness, I hate darkness and when I allow it into my life.  Believe in and seek after Light.  I am of worth I can be a helper.    I seek to choose the right in my life.  Interesting new thought The Holy Ghost warns us we are going down we need to be in tune to listen, hear it and understand.

DAY 27 Oct 6  - I'm gaining weight and eating crazy again.  But I have been controlling  my caffeine intact (although some days better than others)  but im not drinking 6 cans trying to get a pick me up buzz like I was, that is for sure.  I do note that not writing - I loose my focus and just do nothing.  Writing for me is a good thing.  I need to write letters.  But i won't so I'll keep blogging!!!  I have not gone to any therapy the Doctor suggested that too, but I have not engaged.  It's seems like a trend.

Oct 7 - Today Sunday Conference Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  OH MY GOSH. what great meetings
Oct 8 - Getting organized around the house!!  Family coming to visit so I need to get going.  Family picture on the calendar so need to loose this stupid depressed imploded weight.

Oct 9 - Ok today I'm working. I'm getting by on less sleep and I want to get out of bed.  Talked to Apryl today without falling completely apart when I hung up.  "HUNG UP" one of those terms that the kids today don't even know why we say "hung up"!  But then it's one of my hang ups!!!! Apryl being gone and talking on the phone!!!  I miss her.  I am just so grateful she got to bring her family and live by us for a year.

Trials tests ... whatever I am a survivor ... I cannot save others only me.  But i hope to be physically mentally and emotially fit to save myself and help others along the way.

Oct 10 - Today I started my second bottle of pills.  No weight loss.  I haven't started walking either. I want too.... I WILL I WILL I WILL!  Called in a order of TSFL to come next week so I can start my new lifestyle of eating all over again!  The fat pants that "hung" on me are having a hard time buttoning this morning.  Watched a new show on tv tonight "GO ON"  I diffently have a case of grief eating!!!


Oct 11 -   So im feeling better.  I am working around the house again.  I want to get out of bed.  I'm sad about a few things that have happened, Apryl moving away and Tyler not being part of the family anymore.  But I'm not so depressed about it that I can't function. My headaches are not as intense, gonna have headaches thats hereditary its not all depression.   I'm saying my prayers.  I'm praying for ayris, tyler, me everyone I can think of that might be affected by loss.

"Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God; it occasionally covers us. God is never hidden,yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done” (Matthew 6:10), create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time". Eyring.

I am feeling that time is short and I have no time to waste on depression, no matter who comes in and out of my life or how fat I am!!! I plan to, I WILL get up every morning and move and work and smile.

I've learned thru this little experiment that there is a difference between depression and sadness and maybe sometimes you have to ask for help.  Hopefully I will continue to improve and wont have to take pills for long...  I've also learned that people that leave, some of them choose to and some don't,  -- the only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it.


Today is Mar 12th it's not working ... I cry on a whim or no whim - I still cry, aGain.  I weigh as much as I did in 2009 aGain. I can't sleep.  I have a headache everyday.  My legs are shakin'. I want to puke when I wake up.  I am not laying in bed, like in the beginning 6 months ago, so that is good. But I need to DO something. Tonight I am going to a meeting to learn to eat right, wish me luck!!!