Forgive how bout Forget - WISE

My Mom!

I've been thinking about forgiveness.  My Mother always said that I was a forgiving person, that she in fact wished she could forgive as easily as I do.  Well Mom I don't think I am as good as it as you thought, seems I've been holding some stuff in thats bringing me down!

The scriptures I read today taught me, jumped out at me - I just want to mention here them here

• Judge not that ye be not judged, condem not and ye shall not be condemed, forgive: and ye shall be forgiven (Luke 6:37 in the New Testament)

• But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.  (Matthew 6:14)
• Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.  (Matthew 18:22).

"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury".   EH Chapin

Debbie is there somewhere!

My friend Debbie (who I'd beat on the head with a spelling book and switched the heads of her barbies so I could have the cool ones, all forgivable offenses, I would think) stole my boyfriend and came to a party with him with his class ring on, I was teenage shocked and horrified.  I had had no clue, I felt it was a horrible feeling to be betrayed like that from both of them I pledged to myself to never again be conned like that, to trust, to let down my guard.  One day I had to go say I was sorry for being mad at her so that I could live with myself, she and I sat and talked for hours. We laughed about it later.  Eventually we shared stories about our kids and husbands.  She died of cancer she was one of my best friends, what would have I done if I hadn't said "I'm sorry"?
Once my Mom totally embarrassed me (well that was more than once) but this time in front of my friends; by jerking me out of a car and kicking my butt all the way into the house (not to mention here that I had lied about where I was and made her crazy with worry).  
I can remember having been hurt at girls camp, in show choir, being let down by leaders who shouldn't have done what they did, being crushed because my dad didn't tell me he loved me til he kicked me out the door at 18, the Man at the church who told my brother never to come back to a youth activity with Wranglers on ever again - he did not, he did not ever step a foot in that church again except for to sing God Be With You Til We Meet Again with Mom on his way to Vietnam.  Being so mad at my brother I didn't talk to him for 10 years for shaking my son ridiculously in his drunken state.  Should I hold a grudge should I forgive? I should've not only learned to forgive, but to forget?  Or how bout this - should I be forgiven for yelling at my in-laws, my children, my husband for stealing a watch or cigarettes for my boyfriend, for letting my kids watch movies they shouldn't or gossiping about how dumb people are - (Yes I think I just has a little confession and forsake moment!!!) 
I want to be WISE!!!! and forgiven!
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget". thomas Szasz

Wisdom is knowledge rightly applied I say!  I've had a couple very dear friends get mad at me and completely stop talking to me, and I never knew why. Do I hold on to it? Do I learn from these experiences?  I also say - People shouldn't stop talking.  People should never just be silent (well never is an absolute so in reality I suppose their is a time for silence)  but in this instance people need to speak up say whats on their mind when they don't they do things they regret.  "I don't care" isn't appropriate either when friends and family are involved. 

I found this quote today too that sums up all my thoughts;

When i say i don't care it either means:
-i'm pretending
-i'm joking
-i'm clueless
-i dont' know the situation
-i can't be bothered
-i hate the person alot
-i'm too busy thinking of other stuff
-i want to sleep now
-i'm too full of pride
or
-i REALLY don't want to care anymore.

So say those words don't keep me guessing, my mind has neurons that trigger and immediately GO TO THE WORST PLACES.  How do you forgive me or me you if we don't even know what happened?  

I write for therapy so none of this could be making any sense at all.  Just know this I'm evolving, ever learning, trying to apply life experiences, to forgive, care and move on ;).

Iris and Tim Michael

Kelly & Iris 5 years sick

I guess I need to wrap this up! Life is hard, trials have come my way.  I've been letting them weigh me down (literally like 40 pounds worth!).  My Great Nephew contacted me this week (A surprise of great satisfaction)and ask to be a part of my brothers life, (his grandfather) or at least to have something of his to know him by.  Short and to the point people did stupid things, and now My Oldest brother is dead (he made stupid mistakes as a son, brother, husband & Father), My great nephews father is dead (people killed him on a street corner), my niece is a drug addict (allegedly) and hurt us so badly when my brother died (long story), how all of this and the death of My Mothers 2 middle children (Judyann & Tom) lead her to be so depressed and angry it made her crazy sick, how for 5 years I nursed and cared for her and literally watched her give up life.  I "feel like" I could have some grudges and wish some revenge on some people.  I'm sure we all could go on and on about taking offense and in some way being wronged. I stop now with these few examples and really for the future (I will not be offended and if I am I'm gonna tell you why and how - well I hope I will!) because if anything from writing this I have learned I've made some mistakes and need forgiveness myself.  See Matthew 18:15-17 it gives a 3 step program on how to forgive!)

But Today I want to learn from the next generation (no pictures! I don't want to embarrass them, they might not forgive me!!) - I want to hear my nephew ask for things of his fathers and his grandfathers because he never knew them  - an act of letting go of grievances and handed down bitter family stories.  Also to learn from my daughter who stands up and fights for herself and is so doing without being petty, speaking badly of others or holding a grudge.

I pray my Mother can be right about me and that I can be forgiving, let go of the past, forgo revenge, not cause injury to any others, always keep striving to be a friend a family member who like my mother loved me unconditionally forgetting about everything wrong I did to her. 

I share this hoping to help anyone else who holds a grudge, who says "I don't care", who is careless with family and friends; stop it, don't pass down negative traditions - for if we don't forgive how do we expect to be forgiven and what will become of our heritage?

thank you kids (all of my kids out there that teach me!) I council; be wise in that forgiveness remember only enough to not make the same mistakes ever again.

I feel better! I hope you do too!!!

Decide your PASSION

So today I am having a passion for FOOTBALL ya baby I am in Football mode!  

really, you ask kelly??? 

calm down...I'm not, but for some reason their is surely something cool, bonding and alluring about a football game, something that gives a person PASSION!!!  I love a football movie, and the I love it when people come home to watch games here with Richie.  But what I want to Post about today is... PASSION and not my passion for football.

What gives you PASSION?
and I don't mean in your pants?!!!!!

Amric and I are in a different chapter of our lives, summer is over and school is back in session and neither of us have anyone in school (at least living here at home) so it has confused us - what are we suppose to be doing? what is or should be the knew routine? what happened to our plan to be healthy? what happened to our goals to study together? We are free!!! Free to stay up late, to sleep in to eat what we want to exercise or NOT!  Thus I find that with this free agency we have found no PASSION!  I listen to people say when they were 10 they knew they wanted to make movie, when they were 15 they wanted to go into space,  that forever they wanted to be on American Idol, Big Brother or Survivor.  I heard this story just this morning one day when this father came home he put a Stanford hat on his sons head and said "someday you are going to Sanford" and he is!
     I myself had the goal for as long as I can remember to be Married and stay married and live in the same house together, never moving.  I wanted to teach dance and have my own studio.  I wanted to lead youth groups and have foster kids that loved our family and returned often to share the love! I wasn't raised to go to college, school definitely not a passion.  But a PASSION, a real beat all, fight for everything never give up passion - what is that and what is mine???  The dictionary describes passion as (besides the sexual and lust aspects) strong emotion and enthusiasm.
     I can say that my passion (looking at it this way) is to keep my family together for eternity to make connections with lost family and to have a HOME where they all feel comfortable to come visit. Is that bad, if that's my passion, seems so non publishable!  Even now, with my adult children and my "happy at his job husband" is it still a passion if so what can I do to feel passionate about it?   I DO have goals to do to make this Passion happen but lately I haven't looked at the big picture.

 I have taught my kids a couple of quotes in my attempt to accomplish this PASSION they are;

• "the Chief cause of failure and unhappiness is giving up what you want most for what you want right now"
• "remember who you are"
• "Save a girl save a generation"  along with
•  "Don't YOU be the Weak LiNk". 

I can honestly say that except for "Remember who you are" these quotes were made after my Mother raised me, but without her and her Passion for me to not fail to bring the family together these quotes would not have touched my spirit and kept the PASSION alive.

anyway... to keep on keepin on I need to set some goals, I read a quote yesterday that inspired me to recognize this "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures" which lead me to this post today!  I am reminded I can't just let myself fall into a habit everyday I need passionate goals to decide my future to not be the weak leak and to have a HOME where anybody can, will or even wants to come visit.  So to reevaluate and find my passion...

1. I want to tell my stories.  (the problem is I don't want to proofread or use correct gramar!)
2. Study gain more knowledge  - (BYU free online classes) 
3. spiritually strengthened - Study Seminary stuff daily  (apply to teach EFY)
4. BE Healthy - back to TSFL.  goal loose 60 pounds.  remember I lost 57 and now have gained back well a few!!! 30ish! lets just say im back in my fat pants!!!
5. MOVE - 30 min to 1 hour a day.  (Maybe walk outside?)  really go outside - scary!!!what's happened to me?  I used to be a hiker, a campfire girl I wanted to be outside???
6. Know the current events -read the paper know what is going outside and be able to talk about it.
7. limit my social media!!! ;(             (I kinda have a passion for facebook!)
8. genealogy names - new names I need to find more people connect more dots (I'll take my passion for facebook and turn it to Ancestry.com)
9. I need to find passion in everyday things - (I will "deep Clean" One room everyday!)
10.  I want to have a community organizer passion, gardening passion and a square dancing passion! I'll work on goals to get there next!!!

I notice as I set and reset goals here some of them are I want to, some are I will and some just this is the goal.  Guess I have work to do - wish me luck!  I'll check back with myself here!
So what's your passion? how did you know it? and what have you done to achieve it?

Right left write! Picture no picture!

I keep having little Trivial insights that I know I should writ Bout for future defense and thn I don't write Bout them... Has that ever happened to you? Well. Let me get started and see what come of it. This is the transition entry just to let me know that I am committed to writing. Writing to me is like ironing, I really, really have to be in the write mood! get it? Right/ write! And I guess I can't add pictures if I write on my iPad ... That just seems wrong to me.

It's my "One Thing"!

I've recently had the question presented to me "When and Where are Tyler and Ayris getting married?"!  You cannot begin to imagine the discussion surrounding the final out come of the choice where these two have chosen to be married, yet in a Temple or not in a Temple has never been a Topic of discussion it's always been in a Temple!  So I thought for those readers out there I'd like to share why "A Temple".

Amric Zane (He's my baby!) plays Rugby with the Creighton High School young men in Omaha Nebraska, they are Catholic.  They talked about going out to eat together this week on Friday but it seemed pointless to them - it being Good Friday and all!  Thus the belief that they only eat fish on Friday. I bring this up because it is their "thing" - something that they believe in.  Amric being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka; Mormon) and teased constantly and nicknamed "Stormin' Mormin" has things he believes in too.  Nothing he likes more than playing Rugby but like it or not they  play on Sunday he believes it's the Sabbath thus chooses to not play - it's his "thing".   We all have our beliefs - our "things" we choose to believe in.  Tyler choose to go on a Mission to Ohio to share with the people there the beliefs he has learned, chosen and lives in.  One of those beliefs also is to be Married in a Temple.  We went from Seattle  to Oquirrh  then to Omaha back Seattle down to Portland back to Omaha then back to Oquirrh.  Being from the Northwest we wanted all of us to go back there to have this wedding, but due to expense and travel and making arrangements from so far away it bounced back to Omaha, but then we haven't lived here very long and the kids don't really know too many.  Before Tyler left on his mission almost 3 years ago now, the Oquirrh Temple was having on Open House where anyone can go walk thru it so we did.  Tylers mom was with us, it was Beautiful - they saw it together and so the goal, let's get married here! Plus they are going back to school in Utah so it just fits together for them and the timing - it's all about timing isn't it?!?!?!?!

Ayris was raised being taught that to be married in a Temple by someone who has the Authority "Seals you as a couple and a family for Time and All Eternity" vs til death do you part.  I know that just about anyone any more can get a certificate to marry people.  But in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - Inside one of these Temple's - it is simple, beautiful and sacred - teaching us to be calm, seek learning and include God in our marriage and family.  It has been taught in the scriptures from the beginning.  Besides the religious factors this idea (being sealed for Time and Eternity) is the ceremony and proves out in the statistics showing less Divorce. The principle being we don't want to go into marriage thinking; this is my First one, or if this doesn't work it's over; but instead "this is it" - it's the kids' motto - "Thru thick and thin" and as my Mother taught me - "Love the one you're with, Love 'em up Good and Hard, Work it out Kelly Sue Endure it well."   I like how Dory on Nemo says it too - "Just keep Swimming".   

Thus the answer - We get married in the Temple to keep it simple, beautiful (without great expense) and to remind us it's sacred sealing us to each other and our family for eternity.   For the most part it's our anchor and the few people that are their with us are our Links of support on Occasion we are sadly missing some of those links and work hard to connect, adhere, splice complete that missing link and include them in any and all other ways we can.  Richard and I both were married in the Temple without our parents (some people don't know that about us).  The Bible teaches us to leave our parents and cleave unto each other, knowing that right from the beginning creates a bond, a link, a love - a  trust that is unbreakable not ever to be broken.  That's the "Thing" I believe in.  Families can be and are Forever - from the beginning thru this life and on to the next that's my "One Thing" I hold on to that gives me HOPE and focus and leads me to the Temple to find peace, simplicity and remind me of the love of a good man covenants of a God that loves us and is with me always! The world distracts us always attempting to tear us apart we need that extra devotion to one another and to God to keep us together.  And that's my take on it!!!  

Remember the "things" your Mother taught you!

A positive day

Ok so I'm so grateful that apryl lives by me.... Today we had a little heart to heart and she gave me great advice without even knowing it! She said; "to find the will inside to fight you can't give in to old habits and desires without even striving for the goal. She is such a great example of self motivation and will power... I'm really grateful for my daughter!

I got nothin'

You really can't write any more, not without everyone reading . . . Unless you have a handwritten journal somewhere in your house. But who wants that? We really do want to reach out to converse with someone in our busy worlds, have feed back engage in some sort of a social life! Or do we? How do we share our lives or get close to someone any more?
Today I posed a question on Facebook wondering what is inside a person that gives them the fight to succeed vs the willingness to quit? I do want to know, but don't want to pray to find out. I want to be a person who is strong my book, tv and movie character role models my Scripture hero's and heroines they have "it", I don't. I understand that it's mostly pride that gets in our way .. Well my way. I understand that people can't win with me, I'm not very trusting, I want help but I don't want to ask for it...if given I feel like a failure cuz I even needed it. So again ask? I wonder what is submission vs pride and how do you do that without feeling completely like, well you're a freakin idiot with no voice?

I strive, I guess, because I never like nor want to feel that way, to be non-confrontational - to not be the person that makes you feel like that. But somehow I wish I didn't care how you feel and could get you to like something I like or do something I like to do. Maybe my momma shouldn't loved me unconditionally leading to me to believe that everyone would love me that way too. That unrealistic. I got nothin.

2011 Christmas letter

Sobczak Greetings to you and yours  - our year went like this… Miles traveled 2011

You’ve heard what they say –“Whatever you are doing on New Years you’ll do the rest of the year –well were driving miles!  Thus this is our year…

930 miles new years 2012to Austin and Anona's

3400 + miles to Seattle and back for Amric to do his "eagle project" paperwork

3250 miles Richard and Amric to Portland

244 + miles to Elma Eagle scout board of review –he is a full-fledged Eagle Scout now!

930 miles to Sobczak's Kelly and Ayris to visit babysit and take AJ to school

425 miles to Las Vegas babysit baby grand’s while Apryl & Sean go to London

425 back to SLC

850 miles round trip one more time Vegas to Draper!

Unlimited trips Draper to Provo setting Ayris up at school and women's conf @byu

930 miles HOME to Omaha

188 miles to Kansas City. Rugby

54 miles to Far West, MO. Youth conference

181 miles back home to Omaha

1076 miles for round-trip to Denver for Rugby                 

50 miles unlimited trips to Little Sioux camping with the young women

317 miles to Nauvoo, IL the beginnings of a family vacation! With Austin, and his girls!

193 miles to Farmer City, IL to visit the Home of Anona!

478 miles thru Indianapolis, IN & Columbus, OH to Kirtland, OH

190 miles to Niagara Falls

108 miles to Palmyra, NY where we saw the Hill Cumorah Pageant

197 miles+ to Scranton, Pa in honor of Michael!

452 miles to Lancaster, OH for a very short visit with Elder Georg

460 miles to Evansville, IN where we stayed in the worst hottest hotel ever

127miles to Louisville, KY we got to see the gateway to the west

489miles to Hannibal MO when we were hit by a semi tornado

314 miles to Omaha  yay! the pool, family & much needed space!

We were met by the Larkin’s! Who have moved to Nebraska!

930 mi to draper dropping off Anona and the girls at home while picking up Ayris   840 mi to Seattle to Olympia to see LeBeuf’s and Humphrey's, and to Elma to Listen to the “return and report” talk given by Elder Tyler Evan Georg.

1700 Seattle to Omaha (Ayris’ miles not included back to BYU!)

1064 miles Omaha round-trip to Duluth/Superior WI another family trip! I guess Apryl and Austin can’t go on the same family vaca, they need their own time!!! This was a fun time with family Sobczak’s like never before. Bats, Games, fires, kayaks, cousins, and family heritage visited Homes, museums, genealogy and new and renewed bonds.  It was awesome.  Thanks Sharon and David.

1860 miles me round-trip Omaha to Salt Lake City Conference, and Kids!

1860 + dad Texas, New Mexico Utah, Omaha Parents weekend at BYU!
188 miles Omaha to Kansas city Kansas Time Out for Women celebrating Apryl’s 30^th birthday!!!!  Then… sightseeing,

30 miles Kansas to Liberty Jail and the after a much enjoyed day together

200 miles Home to Gretna and Omaha!!!!

23,996 sub total

10,470 round trip Apryl and Sean traveled to London, England!

6400 miles to Costa Rica Amric, Austin, Anona  & Enoch

while we Richie and I were able to enjoy the time with Sammy and Felicity!

2710 miles driving 2 vehicles Vegas to Omaha moving Larkin’s to Gretna,NE!

7338 miles Tyler returns from Washington, returns to Ohio & back to WA

1750 miles for Tyler road trip moving from Shelton to Valley, Ne

The Sobczak family moves from Omaha 13 miles to Valley!!!!

                        32, 146 family miles traveled this year!!

          In addition all the work miles Richie put on his truck for work!!!!

Can I tell you I totally have had writers block this year since well about JULY!  One reason is we bought a iMac and I’m still trying to learn how to use it – I can’t even find spell check!!! I haven’t really blogged, I haven’t journalled I haven’t written any letters.  2nd reason I’m willing to share with you is I over heard someone long about July talking about me and my Christmas letter and specifically say “Who the Hell cares”.  So I guess I have gone into some sort of “why-write” mode? L Yet I do feel some obligation to myself to write thus it’s late, and attempting to report in a generic way that is short and to the point, REALLY?  I’m on page 4 and this is the beginning of my Christmas letter!!!  Like Amric said last night to me; “Really Mom, we don’t do things easy OR short and to the point”! …. So I say To Heck with it, this is what I do!!!!

What’s the point of a Family Christmas Letter?

A Christmas thought, to return and report, to communicate with friends and family that you never get to see, and for some reason the writer of the so called Christmas letter thinks all her friends and family whether she sees them or not actually care!  With Facebook, email, Twitter etc., etc. our year is accounted for in miles traveled, because I do not believe, that I have ever even with all of our 55 moves crossed so many miles in such a time frame.  What a blessing it has been this year to see the sights, visit with the friends and family, take Ayris to BYU-Provo, watch from afar Elder Georg complete a mission that he worked long and hard at, share in the excitement of Apryl living out her dreams with Jane and Doctor Who! Then she and her family really, it’s true she moved to live by us.  Not having to help Austin and Anona move to Draper but babysitting while they study to complete certification and grad testing in A+ style.   Holding on tight while my Baby goes to prom, gets his Eagle, plays rugby, goes to work at Fuddruckers, finishes High School and shares in a trip to Costa Rica! Oh Amric, We do love you!

One of the most touching times of the year for me was standing in the homes of “The Mormon Pioneers” more especially the framed home of The Smith Family in New York.  I felt the heartache and pain of leaving a home made more painful when the choice to leave isn’t wholly ours!  I Know that God helps us to move through our life’s journey and that if we Trust in Him we will get through it and to a much sweeter place than we ever could have imagined.  A home isn’t “only” the walls that surround us;  it could be a beautiful mansion, a trailer, an apartment, a box or even a stable.  A home is a place where we feel safe, secure, trust abounds and people come and go strengthening our foundation and building our bonds for eternity.  I am grateful to have seen and to live in this country and to have done it with the ones I love.  I love our country.  I love living where we live. I love the fact that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ at Christmas time. I am blessed and grateful for the love of my life and the children of our future. 

Happy Holidays! No matter the miles between us nor our station in life we love you.

"progress is not possible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.". Gbshaw

I have several days where I journal that I'm in bed with migraines. I remember in high school getting meds for them and the doctor teaching me to put ice in a tube sock and drape it around my neck to numb the pain. Then living in the dark with silence for 3 days!!!! These headaches seem to come from the McCoy side, my dad got them really bad too! I have not done that for a long long while. I note here that often in the mornings I would wake up knowing that one was on it's way, but if I got up and went to seminary anyway and taught my class I didn't have to have the migraine, I always felt and noted that it was a blessing from God.

Well this week I had a return of the migraine!! Wow knocked me out cold!!! I kept trying to get up and go and do but instead lay there like I was in a comma!! All I seem to be able to think about was camp! I then kept trying to deceide why do I have this headache? So number one I have been eating crappy, with no exercise and two I'm letting myself worry too much about camp. Three i cant figure out how to use the knew computer quickly enough!!!! Thus the cycle has begun. Worry, frustration, eat, headache!!
I want to be in control and need discipline, (did you know or ever think about discipline being part of the word disciple that's just a deep thought). Well because I kept journals and am blogging I can learn, see cycles and break them. Thus findings that "wisdom is knowledge rightly applied". Break the cycle. Expect change by doing something different to break the cycle, now that's ironic since I always ALWAYS cry - "I don't like change"!!!

i just like this entry

Just a note I have enjoyed these last 2 week-end trips with Apryl for Soccer and Girls Camp the hikes and conversations are  irreplaceable about her goals and dreams i do love her.

I can't trust myself but I can Trust in God

As I read I am getting the idea that I get "attached" to people.  I don't like to think that I do really, but as I read I see that I do.  I also see that I when invested and in some way fail or don't "feel" like I succeeded - I crash and I crash hard.  It looks by the journal entries like I have done it often.  So for the past year or so I just haven't invested, well I did in one thing and failed at that too.  Do you ever feel that way?  How do we move on?  Not build up walls?  Let people in again? Forgive others? Forgive ourselves? Let go of all the weight of maybe it's not gonna fly?

Some of my paper journals talk of fighting with my mom, my husband, my kids, of inviting into our home teenagers, children, old people, of moving and thinking "this is it I'm here to stay", of this is a really good friend oh wait not!, of letting go of people because of a move, a divorce, a death, of loosing jobs, of gaining and regaining too many pounds (that one is here a lot!),   well this is an entry on May 10 1996

"Trusting my spiritual guidance. . . I can't say my prayers very well lately, intact sense we had to move this last time (and that has been 16 months ago) I haven't been able to pick myself up and go again.  I watch TV a lot, in the dark after the kids go to bed just a place of peace and quiet where I can lock out all my misery and just engage in the story before me.  I keep trying to figure out why, why can't I let go of it? If I felt like we were suppose to move and it didn't work out and we moved back, then why go at all?  Why if I felt so strongly about something being a good choice did it turn out so crappy, so darn confusing?  Everybody thinks we are idiots because we move so much and we put families out so much especially Clarks they are and were so helpful and such good friends for all they do for us.  All of us can take a look at how to be a better friend from them.  Anyway I guess I'm asking why is it so hard to pray again to pull myself out of this darkness.  

Well this morning I have a new answer "I can't trust myself."  So how can I teach or tell anyone that something is right and that we should do that when choices I feel good about turn out to look to myself and others like complete failure.  Well from what I sit here and see as failure has also brought many many blessings that maybe I couldn't even see until now 16 months later.

Apryl is in a completely different group of friends (that i didn't know then and now know 15 years later is and was a wonderful blessing).  We did Temple work for family because of that trial.  I supported my husband, and he really is striving to do the Best thing, I learned that the house you live in isn't as important as the "home" you make.  I learned that it's the small and simple things that matter.  (there are lots of other blessings listed I won't bore you with them).  I'm afraid to pray again for fear of having to do something Else the Lord prompts me to do that might cause for me to grow and learn and gain wisdom but also hurt and thus the wall - I don't want to play any more - and thus the darkness.  I suppose I should let down this big tall wall get down on my knees thank God that I have been blessed with so much knowledge and so many blessings, both spiritually and temporally and get on with my life!  Stop hiding in my house, fearful of being an untrustworthy fat leader!  I do know that God lives, that Jesus Christ saved me from much pain and agony through His suffering because of that I can get on with my life and strive to be a better person, who am I to judge Him or even ask "Why me?".  Instead I choose to be more grateful and less prideful."

i am on a knew genealogy trail!!!  I'm striving to learn how to find the family lines!  I have been volunteering at the Family History Library and it is very very addictive time consuming habit of things to do!!   Well we put together a little trip of friends to go to the Library in Salt Lake, it's amazing have you ever gone into a library filled with pedigree charts and family history.  It's humbling.

We really do have FHE

In our family on Monday Nights the tradition of having a "family Home Evening" has indeed been a goal.   I want to now make this entry for the sake of Amric!!!  Last night we had the discussion that as he said "last week with the missionaries over was the first time we had family home evening"!

so I flipped out and we had a serious discussion about what is family home evening!  I tried to teach him that we have had it, he has learned, he has been taught he is choosing to ignore!

So for those families who struggle at keeping and or getting your little ones to pay attention and hope they are learning something ... then there's amric!!!  I had a friend once who said that God gave us 17 year old boys so that we could let go of them in the near future!  This morning when I said my prayers I thanked God for my 17 year old boy! No Heavenly Father has blessed me with evidence lots and lots of Journal entries of both successes and failures at striving to have Family Home evening.  I encourage you to continue in those efforts teaching something about manners, respect, honor, tradition, Faith, hope and charity! Use things like board games, TV, MUSIC, story books, jump rope, trampolines, swimming pools, picnic tables, parks, and refer to the scriptures but do it together as a family once a week.  Even if they think they never did it...because really its so a part of their life they just think it's life!!!! it'll be worth it 7, 17, or 70 I promise!

The season of Jenni!

We have these rally good friends that live in Vancouver.  They have turned out to be more than friends they are like family.  Since Richard feels like his family has disowned him and mine are so far away we feel very grateful to have the Parkers!

In some journal far far away I know I wrote about Jenni!  Well she was one of my girls in Young Women and has been serving on a mission as of late!  She's been home a short time and fortunate for us has decided to come live with us!  I'm so excited to have her here and to learn and grow from her freshly returned missionary status!!

She is going to live and work with Richard for the summer.  It will be good $ and experience for her to get back into the "world of labor" anyway that's our hope.  Hopefully it will be calm here and she can receive inspiration for what she should "go and do" in the fall!  We all love her.  Amric and Ayris kinda worship her so she could get pretty sick of that pretty quick!

I'm very grateful to have lived in Vancouver and I believe we are put into a place for a season for some reason ... Vancouver it was a "start over place for our marriage", and an introduction to a family that will be our friends for eternity.

WAKE UP and pay attention, be aware of your surroundings and ask God "why did you put me here?"  He'll answer, sometimes years later so be patient!

So to begin with I am 132 enteries behind in my quest to journal daily reviewing the last 30 years ...

So this is a fun one to start catching up with!!! Today was family council!  It kinda turned out to be a bust!!!  We could not agree on a destination for planning ahead for summer vacation (mind you this is 1996 and the children are 16, 14, 6 and 3 or thereabouts! who attempts to plan vacations with the kids anyway!!!).  Austin keeps saying "Texas, Europe or New York City!"    Apryl wants to go to LONDON! and Ayris asks if we can go watch her at Gym!  Amric we already know just flat doesn't want to get in the car!!!  so... in the end no plans! We will prbly do as we have always done and one day just jump in the car and go!!!

what is permanent?

So we have invested all this money into a new computer set up and I seem to have lost 8000 pictures somewhere somehow.  This is why I get frustrated and stop blogging and doing anything on the computer.  DOn't you hate it when you type and type and type and then it's not saved or somehow it's lost in a file somewhere in the computer that only the tech knows how to find?  I do.  "They say" that it's "suppose to be permanent" anything you put out there is out there for the whole world to see anytime of day or night! Except for me and my pictures that for 2 years now I have been attempting to get scanned, downloaded and filed to keep in an organized fashion!!!  UGHHHHH!  It's why I like my paper journals and my actual scrapbooks that are tangible and I can see on the book shelf!!!

Yesterday I went to my little Apple class to learn, I've been doing that for awhile now, but I came away feeling very unlearned.  They said they saved my 8000 pictures.  I sat in front of the computer in fact watching to really see and prove to myself that these pictures are still in my computer somewhere and as I watched these thousands of pictures pass by me at a very rapid speed what I saw before my eyes was the inevitable "Judgement Day"!!!  All of "my world" of people sitting in front of a screen revealing my life to them just like that - BAM!  Will I be embarrassed? Heck ya! Will the Lord say "well done thou good and faithful servant, I'm thinking Heck no!  It made take a moment to pause and think I'm so grateful to still be alive on this earth with people that I love and to interact with them.  It reminded me that I've seen and done some things that I need to clean up.  BUT it also gave me pause for a wonderful wonderful life and things that I've done that have been fun, good and positive, people, places and things that will be permanent memories.

so I just wanted to somewhere thank God for my life. Say I'm sorry to people I've hurt and kick myself in the butt, strap on the ole boots and kick up some fun times create some more memories and not waste any more time singing the blues quoting anyone singing the blues or regretting the past.  I've done my time.  I do my best.  The past has, well... the past is.   I am me as she says; "I am who I am"!  Thanks to lessons learned, free agency and Jesus Christ some things are permanent, and somethings aren't. ... they might be hidden in the computer somewhere,  thank goodness for that some won't ever have to see them.

does that make sense to anyone but me!!! I'm glad I cleared that up for myself!!!!!!!! bahhhhhh!!!! night!

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

I still can't figure out how to add a picture on this knew computer but I don't ant to not write so I have no excuse to stop again!  Be patient with me I must keep moving even though I don't know what to do ...


so ... returning to my original plan; today is Sept 9th!
2009 ... zip
2010 ... zip

2008 ... looks like we were planning a move to Colorado.  I wonder what our life would have been like if we would have just done it?

this is a cool note I wrote:  "Ayris told me after seminary last week that she likes when Dad gives her "back to school blessings", she said that she loves it when she hears his voice change and he is talking for Heavenly Father.  She noted that today in Seminary the same thing had happened while I was teaching.  How cool is that ... she is learning to recognize the spirit teaching her and that is so much stronger than Richard or I trying to do so.

2007...  Tyler Georg Gone. :(

1998 ... My Mom diagnose with sugar diabetics  Nice day with Amric at Lake Sylvia.  Not happily married.  gotta loose weight!  I must get my house in order!!! Really do I say the same crap over and over and have to learn the same lessons.  Come on, maybe one of these days I'll catch on.  it looks like I'm stuck between my mom and my husband and that I worry too much.  Also I'm praying for Apryl, she seems to have a "potty mouth" and be "in Love" and not being able to just let it go.  She seems to be having issues with not being able to play soccer with the rec team because they play on Sunday!  Oh how I pray for miracles for her and that Heavenly Father will bless her and watch over her.

ok so I gotta get back into how to put this together mode but tonight as I review my journals I see that marriage is hard. Friends get mad. People leave, and I can get corny and say they come into our lives at certain time for things.  But I can also testify that that is true and we are blessed when we need to learn mostly because of those who come in and out of our lives.  Our Children need our constant prayers.  Traditions like back to school blessings and Family Home Eve discussions are stronger than we imagine and those are the memories that we hold on to.  Satan wants to destroy us.  When you ask yourself what do you do when I don't know what to do???  Read the scriptures, say your prayers. But really the scriptures are loaded with answers about what to do when you don't know what to do.  Nephi said Go and DO - keep doing it.  Joseph Smith said Study and Pray.  David, well he might have made the wrong choice so that's good to know too, my journals are filled with those!  The Brother of Jared - he prayed and communicated and DID all that he could do presenting a plan.  Live what you know to be right while you are waiting to figure out what to do!  BUT KEEP MOVING.  these last months physically I kept moving but spiritually, emotionally I stopped moving it's not good.  Grieve and then Go and Do for someone else, it takes your mind off of whatever is stabling you out.    How can it be that the LORD wants to bless us and we won't let him Doc and Cov 130:20 and 82:10 tell us Live the law that the blessing is predicated upon and receive!

wholly whollly smokes it's SEPTEMBER!

Remember how I am learning and applying wisdom this year from old journals about my last 30 years? (I want to put lots of explanation marks here but I'm hearing Anona say - people over use the explanation mark!!!!) oh and is it a mark or a point?  I don't know but I love them ... so Anona dang it I may tend to continue to OVERUSE THE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  anyway that is all beside the point - hahaha get it point!!!  again I regress.  My question is where the heck have I been since April 1st?  so just to catch up with this year and then to go off on my learning and applying wisdom journal exploring escapdes let's see....  WOW as the song says "I've been everywhere man!".

from my very nearly empty paper journals I see that at the end of March I was accounting for all my wonderful weight loss but noticing that I wasn't sticking to it and could see that I needed to start over so put all the measurements and stick figures and weight scale pictures into place to restart my weight loss program and loose again the weight that I had been slowing putting back on since October.  Can I just brag for a sec that I'd lost 53 pounds and inches - that's weird too isn't it!  Well since that wonderful day I have gained the inches and 20 pounds back UGH!  I blame it on change and my lack of discipline in dealing with it so new paper entry today I start over again!!! I will loose 60 pounds by camp next summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My paper journal from the past reads like this:
"Today I start again! the goal to loose 34 pounds another 53 to 46 would be a bonus!  I need to be HEALTHY, STRONG, COURAGEOUS.  Blogging has caused me to reflect, research and remind myself of TWO things; 1.  The joy of my life   2.  Weakness therein!
2nephi 3:21, 33:4 Ether 12:23,27,37 and 40 oh and Doc & Cov 135:5 reference where I am at in life right now and give me umph to keep on going  (Oh man I wonder where all that UMPH went?).

It goes on to read... Out of our books and actions we will be judged choosing for ourselves 'our mansion in Heaven'."

So in all my wisdom it seems as if I need to reapply, recommit and re something!  Cuz my excuses that I think I have - WHICH ARE MANY, don't seem like they will fly!  Just to make myself feel better I'd like to name a few of them... Ayris left for school, Went on a little excision of Rugby games from Kansas to Colorado, Some of the Family went on a trip to New York (I will surely write about it!), Tyler came home (To his Home in Washington), I went to Las Vegas to baby grand sit while Apryl and Sean went to England, I went to Washington with Ayris, I went to Girls camp and scam home swearing never again - I'm so glad that part of my life is over! and then I was really thrown for a loop when called to be the New Stake Camp director for 2012. A different some of the family went to Wisconsin/Minnesota for a Sobczak family reunion (I will write about that later! Can you say Mice in the walls and Bats in the Bedrooms?).  Amric is a senior. Apryl and her little family Moved to Gretna Nebraska.  Oh I know its the fault of switching up our computer system and I don't even know how to run anything now - knowing that was happening just made me stop blogging!!!!!  see I have tons of excuses and none of it works and I do HAVE MANY but they sound empty and I don't look blameless.  WRITE EVERYDAY!

Ok it's time to get going again.... Computers, vacation, disappointments, ayris moving away, apryl moving to nebraska, Tylergeorg going home from his mission and setbacks part of life but for me this time a distraction of 5 months and a weight return of 30 pounds, but I think today I let it all go and I am ready to start again to blog, exercise eat "my food" (TSFL) and well,  Go and Do and talk about it!!! Wish me luck!!!

Happy Apryl Fool's Day!

My Favorite Apryl Fools Day!!!    This is my visual, I can see it all happening as clear today as the day that it happened!!! This shows what a silly "fool" I am!  This is how it went down...my daughter is in the 1st grade, it's April 1st.  Does she know that a silly holiday about "foolishness" is celebrated on this day - NO!  But I do!!!  I woke her up an hour before the bus was suppose to come I yelled and acted like she was late I hurried her, she had to time to do her hair or match her socks (the folds needing to be equal or she would go into a meltdown)!!!!  I gave her her stuff and pushed her out the door without any breakfast and with NO lunch, cuz she was going to miss the bus for school!  I guess you have to know My darlin apoannie!  -She hates to get up- from day ONE she hated to get up early.  She went haulin' down the sidewalk to catch the bus, she waited and waited and waited.  NO BUS!  Finally I went down to her and said; "April Fools"  - who was the fool I ask today even as I sit her laughing to myself - me!!!!  Poor kid she didn't even know what hit her, OR what APril FooLs DaY even is, she just looked at me...
Well mom where's the bus??  Apryl I was kidding you,  you are really way early, come eat and get a lunch. NO I am going BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Binge

March 31, 2010

I am cleaning house!  I'm sick of this! It's heart breaking.  I have been sorting and sorting and sorting.  I have started to look at it as a good thing, a way for me to get rid of "old weight, the dark days of my life, out with the old and in with the new" It's time for a new book maybe not even a new chapter, but a new book!!!

I have given stuff to Desert Industries, Good Will, Salvation Army, we listed items on Craigslist, I have shredded, trashed, and Burned barrels of stuff!  In comparison to starting my knew eating program I am discarding old weight  - 80 pounds of "old weight"!!!!  I have needed to loose about 80 pounds for at least 10 years, and now since Ayris and Tyler left I've gained 20 pounds ... Let it go... A new book it is!!!

Good bye Book, Hello new Book