Love Done Gone

We've had a Change in status I feel I might need to catch some of you up. 

 Ayris Joan is a Sobczak, she is a "single lady".

So many applicable song references -

but to be clear 2012 sucked and we are looking forward to 2013!!! 

The judge granted an annulment ... November 30

Us without him!


the song LOVE DONE GONE... 

this is my perspective - a positive take, on a tragedy

Toby Keith - Hope On The Rocks

Me Myself, Mom & Tom, Life and Death

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun

and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf

a lot of secrets about myself

and fool myself as I come and go

into thinking no one else will ever know

the kind of person I really am,

I don't want to dress up myself in shame.

I want to go out with my head erect

I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth

I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that

I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me;

I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know,

I never can fool myself and so,

whatever happens I want to be

self respecting and conscience free.

A poem my mom made me memorize as a youth by Edgar A. Guest

I miss you mom.  Yesterday Richie and I were talking about you - about all your counsel, about how parents do know more than their kids but that kids won't, & never will admit that and learn without experience.  Sometimes secrets do come off the shelf and out of the closet, we can only hope before we meet our maker that amends have been made - as our parents have taught.  We don't always have to be the center of all the action and Drama around us that we shan't care about the mote in someone else's eye, but instead only be concerned about our own eye and be self respecting and conscience free.  
 thank you Mom for teaching me that.

I'm remembering today the days and the night we waiting beside my brother Tom for him to die.  It's such and empty hopeless feeling.  The visual of it never ever leaves your brains' storage base.  The race to drive to him from Washington to Arizona.  Austin, Mom and me ...and Tom, praying out in the little patio garden for him to not have to suffer, feeding him, reading to him, teaching him the Plan of Happiness on deaths door, the room we stayed in, the book we read together as he lay there waiting knowing the end was near, the looks between Mother and Son.  The look he gave me when I said you'll be ok - go find Big Sis.  And the moment he was gone.  The look of a shattered conscience.   He had gone to that hospital with the intent of being "fixed" of living and "fixing" things when he came out, I hope he has the chance on the other side.  It came over me like a tidal wave that feeling of whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free.  

Don't be a HateR

I HATE MY LIFE!    LIFE SUCKS!   HE SAID?  SHE SAID?  IT's NOT MY FAULT. HE DID IT!   

Once upon a time I used to work at a job that wasn't at my home.  When I was first married in fact I worked at place where I rotated shifts, sometimes  days, sometimes nights, sometimes all night.  It was a ruff way to start out.  My husband worked days and went to school for awhile, he was a Route Supervisor and that took 50 hours a week so he actually quit his job and went to work at Circle K working graveyard and still going to school full time, now that was fun!  By now in our lives we had two children.  I've told you this before I like the work place, but people are not kind there (to be clear, some are) but the majority are not, they are kicking and screaming to get to the top, get a raise, survive til they go home again, on and on we could go ...  and shift work PLZZZZZ they Hate each other!  

Why is it that people actually hate?  It seems almost cool now, in todays world to be a Hater, why is that? 

Hate and love are so close and yet so far away on the scale of balance that there is no balance.  

It's been on my mind all week this dilema  of love and hate, love 'em and leave 'em, how many times do we shatter someone else's reputation, when do we, how do we love the porcupine?

Art, Music, poetry, movies, stories, articles, crime and passion are just about all related to as 

Love Stories and/or Hate Crimes.

Do we apply, learn, ever go fix anything? 


The Scriptures are full to the brim of stories of Love and Hate, people and families, places and circumstance to apply, learn and teach by.   Today in my seminary class we talked about judging and gossip, reputations, hate and love.  If you believe in Jesus Christ or not as a Messiah or Jehovah His story is an example that we can apply, learn from and use to better our lives in general.  It is the easier road to judge, criticize, tear down and destroy - much easier to say I HATE THAT!  At times on Facebook I wish there was a dislike button, but isn't it nice that there isn't, saving us from ourselves!?

In the New Testament we are taught "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
But I think that most often we forget the rest of it "For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."   Matthew Jesus sat down to eat with the publicans and the sinners as well as his apostles and family.  Do I, sit down with everyone alike?  I like to think that I do, but probably not.   
Once Austin told me that he just "didn't know what my kids could do that I wouldn't forgive them or judge them".  I tell ya, I hold that sacred, close to my heart that he thought that well of me.  In High School I pretty much think I was nicer to the friend who didn't have my same standards than I was to the ones who did, because IN MY JUDGMENT they weren't kind --because they were so judgmental!  It's a anomaly! 
Matthew, my nephew once said to one of my kids that "if someone needed a home, I wasn't going to kick them out".  I like to think that it's true, I always thought my Dad was like these compliments my family gave me - I always wanted to foster children because I watched him have so many extra kids around the riding stables, I was always jealous of them being able to be around the horses, my brothers, and my Daddy.

The Spirit of the Lord is a spirit of kindness; it is a spirit of patience; it is a spirit of charity and love and forbearance and long suffering ... Lucifer is exercising every means to destroy the souls of the human family. He is more active than he has ever been and he works in such an insidious way. I will not take time to enumerate the many ways he employs but there is one way in which he operates, and has operated from the beginning of the world, and that is to tempt one individual to destroy the reputation of another by saying unkind things of them .. It is so easy to criticize someone else, so easy to find fault, and sometimes we speak harshly of our neighbors and friends.    --George A. Smith

but let's be real...we all judge, criticize murmur maybe even hate  I pray we can find the strength to overcome to forgive, forget not judge, not gossip, not ruin reputations making that persons problems bigger, but be kind, love them without being walked on and let people into our lives, accept "the sinner", even if we don't approve of what we call "the sin".

I didn't use to be like that???

Yesterday I heard my self say to my son; "I didn't use to be like that.  I wonder what happened?"

1980 University Villa Provo, Utah!

What does happen to change us?  Or do we really change at all and it's only our perspective of ourselves that changes?  Once I told my nephew that this music or that book reminded me of his brother.  He looking at me puzzled said "why do you think that? he wouldn't like that at all"?  Sunday I tried to have a "grown up" conversation with another son who I am always striving to be smart enough to be able to converse with and was immediately shut down.  Why is it that we think we know who we are and who others are, when indeed in every moment of the day we are in fact changing; both inside and out, along with everyone else around us.  I think I know subjects that interest 'so and so' and that I have found them something they'll like or discuss 'this or that' topic, and BAM - no not at all!  Once I told my niece she was beautiful and healthy and she responded "she was 98 pounds and completely unhealthy".

Then of course there is Christmas and the gift that (bowl, the socks, the ski hat yadaya!) you think says the receivers name all over it, come to find out they returned it and pocketed the cash or got something else!    Then I buy for my husband what I think he wants for a gift and he buys what he thinks I want for gift??? When really it's what I want him to have or like, and visa versa!   But wait what about that gift you have to buy for the "elephant" at the Holiday party exchange (that needs a whole other blog!).

Tio Jorge used to call them my "rope shoes"!

I love me some birks!

Then there is that couple that He buys shoes for Her, and really the shoes are for Him, we were once that couple but now, with the weight and age!!! YIKES


I wear Flats - don't you buy me heels!!!  But also, in this case I have not changed, I WANT to wear heels I used to look good in heels, but I need now to wear flats.  Anyway I tend to get in over my head in these discussions with myself!!!  --Move on!

My husband and I are discussing getting a new car, we cannot come to an agreement on this topic, because I see myself in, well something that would suck gas like nobodys business.   Because I know that logically that is not smart any more, I have tried to decide who I am in a small car.  Now, I don't want just any small car I want a car that says "Kelly" all over it, afterall he doesn't drive it - it's for me, right?  He says it's for me!   Because of this quandary, I can't really tell him what I want because in this process I am changing daily!  I want anything Nissan I say (I really do like all of their models), then the next day I want that wonderdully spunky Fiat  (you know the jennifer lopez pops out of and afterall I did try to get a loan to buy one when I was 19!), but then I was raised to buy USA so I want to do that, but what is USA made these days?  So I cannot say really what I want.  I started out with a Gremlin, I loved it, maybe no one else did and that is what made me love it more!!!  How does one explain who they are when they don't even know for themselves?

I think prayer and submission to God's will are also way over my head, I have no idea what he is making of me.  I hate the word submission.  I don't pretend (but I used to!) to understand where He is going with me.  I don't know if I'm suppose to be an 8 passenger van, an SUV, A Chevy short bed Van or a Fiat?  I can only pray that with the spirit guiding me, the changes and perspectives daily will make me who and what God is building.   Im pretty stubborn, a hermit and a really slow learner to HIM and all of you I ask for patience as I go thru this life building and rebuilding, staying the same and yet changing.
C.S. Lewis

me and Sis rockin our Maxi Dresses!

Me and Vic in our heels at the AZ Temple

Todays Me
as a family we all have our college, our favorites, our likes and dislikes but even still we evolve in a United front building a family to live in a Palace.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

I am who I am ever evolving ever changing still the same

Home is my Heaven

"Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go."  Dessen

What is home?  Where is home?

My mom would answer something like this:
H is for heart
O is for Organized
M is mother
E is for eternal

My eldest brother Timmy would say; the place you call if you're in trouble, he would always tell mom "no news is good news"!

Washington

My sister would say;  Puerto Penasco, Mexico. Depending though on who was asking!!  Her permanent home address for her last 36 years was Mesa, Arizona!!!

My little brother Tom would say;  where ever momma is!

My dad even though he didnt live there 100% would also say - wherever the "chief" is!

My Jenni used to sing to us "There is beauty all around when there's love at HOME!"

Nebraska

 My parents moved me when I was young, so would I say the house we lived in the first four years of my life was home? I also had the same address for as long as I could remember when I got married, do I call that place Home?  I've had 18 addresses since then, which one do I call Home?  

Washington

 My children have lived many places and not for long, what would they say they call "Home"?  After the 14th move and lots for trauma, blessings, and searching for "Home", Richie and I prayed for a place to set down roots (now I've blogged about roots before),  but our prayers were finally answered and I believe - because of that I know what my kids would call Home.  But would they want to go there? Do I want to return to the address where I grew up? Do you?  It is what I always wanted for my kids; a place they would want to return to and call HOME.  Maybe I speak to soon, but for today and even after a not so awesome 2012, I am grateful to say that Home is where we are today.  Memories, good and bad, experiences shared, love, sadness, "feelings" - not things make us know and remember "HOME".

Valley

Then there is the song 
"I'll be Home for Christmas",
 the quote; 
"Home is where the heart is" 
and so on and so on.
Home is important 
President Thomas S. Monson said it like this


"A home is much more than a house built of lumber, brick, or stone. A home is made of love, sacrifice, and respect. We are responsible for the homes we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage. There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live not only influence the success of our earthly journey, they also mark the way to our eternal goals."

Father and Son Timmy's Perspective

Daddy

I had a dad,
For this I am glad.
     I didn't know him well,
     so there's not much to tell.
His life was often rough,
because of this he was so gruff.
     He had kids and a wife,
     All he cared for in his life.
If there was a fight,
He could throw his might.
     With a two by four and more -
     I have seen him show that power.
He gave his kids a home,
so they wouldn't be alone.
     In Him, He had love,
     held tight like a glove.
He would drink a beer or a shot,
didn't think a lot was too hot!
     Many friends he had,
     though some thought Him bad.
He wore boots, and a hat,
When younger chaps shaped like a bat.
     Around the race courses
     He loved to watch the horses.
He was many things this man
but never completely tan!
     He would never put his hat on the bed,
     for it was always on His head.
But now he's gone home....
Never more to roam....
    He is laying on the bed,
    Yes, My Daddy's dead.

Tim M McCoy
son of
Tim McCoy
Jan 1986

Dear Son...

Yes, dear  Son, your Daddy's dead.

Here now are some things he  said:

"I love every daughter and son,

and the Grandkids, each special one.

Then there's the ones who joined our tribe

to live with our kids, side by side.

Always I wished only to do

what was best for all of you.

I was too dumb to think and plan,

Usually failed to be a man.

Too late now to show how I cared,

and enjoy the life we all shared.

Please tell all the kids, to try hard

to not allow their lives to be scarred

by the things I did or didn't do,

but live their lives to not have to 

regret their acts, or their thought.

But look ahead to changes brought

about by the course  in life taken, 

by habits that need to be forsaken.

To show their love, declare their pride

and not those feelings try to hide.

For me the end of life is near

and death itself I do not fear.

If God be just, merciful, kind,

He knows what's in my heart and mind.

If there really be another life,

I hope to be with kids and wife.

Goodbye to all, remember me,

As the man I wanted to be."

Yes, dear Son, your Daddy's dead,

and of all the many thing he said,

None so important and so true

As the simple phrase, "I love you".

Iris McCoy

The Mom

Jan 1986

Timmy 1985 as seen from Jail

Just sitting here bemused
sitting, not even amused
not eating, not drinking
not even thinking
everything coing hazy
I must be crazy
Oh Christ
where is my psychiatrist
tim 1985

In the gutter

I did mutter

as the water ran round

as I began to drown

flowing down the drain

going faster than a train

floating to the river

not caring what I give her

Just like going to bed

i must be dead.

TM 1985

I didn't run
I didn't have a gun
I had no knife
I ended no life
Now i'm doing time
for committing a crime
i didn't think
i even took a drink
timmy

Just like the bard

while playing a card

having a good time

I thought of a rhyme

you wonder what it was

what was the cause

did it fit like a glove

you read it above

Tim 1985

Kill Him
The guy in ten
Don't keep him around
Put him down
Kick him out
We'll all shout
Tim 1985

Day Eighteen

I'm caught between

the state, the county

im in whose bounty

I don't like to write

I don't like to fight

I am not very bold

But every day and night I am cold

Breakfast is supposed to be a meal

but here it is no deal

we have lunch and dinner

neither one a real winner

a deck of cards we have

 our time to salve

no other games

for us of no names

the showers are a joke

for in it we float

we can only try

but our feet can't get dry

someone took the dice

all have to pay the price

no rec for many a day

this the price we pay

no program of education or work

being here can only be a quirk

my wife I can't touch

contact visits are too much

living breathing flesh they must see

as every hour at night they wake me

where can we go locked up tight

But still they knock and use their flashlight

I have a hanger in my room

but stay clear the boom

because of some person of wit

we can't hang anything on it

By officers and warden words were spoken

by the state and county rules are broken

we are classified medium security

but locked up max for a surety

not even a little bit

do the guards like it

but it is their lot

to be part of the plot

on and on I could go

but all it does is fill me with woe

if I wasn't so blue

I could probably sue

You can Guess where we are

locked away so far

Cochise County Jail is the name

Why do the inmates get the shame.

Tim M 1985

To Marci from Tim

Thank you... by Tim

It has taken several days for me to write this letter.

In 1965 my mother called me the coldest hearted person she knew.  I am telling you this, so that maybe you will understand the walls that I have built up throughout the years to contain and control any deep emotions I might have.  I allow very little to really get to me and these last three years have only deepened that desire to be within myself.

Your letter got to me, it touched me very deeply and has given me some hope and encouragement to face the people that know me.  I am very much in your debt.

thank you, Tim M. McCoy



I think this was written in the early 1970's

I will still drink beer

Hi Terry and Kay
While their holding me at bay
Have one for me
and thanks to thee
for being friends to jaci
and sending me the twenty,
it will come in handy
and make life more dandy
i am feeling fine
just doing my time  --
but when I get out
I will really shout
jump in a car
and go to a car
never fear
i will still drink beer!

Tim McCoy

21 days Makes a Habit - My A B C's of Gratitude

Thanksgiving 2013

They say if you do something for 21 days it's going to turn into a habit this is my attempt at making gratitude be a habit...

28.  I am grateful for Pumpkin Pie! And all the trimmings!

27.  I am grateful for Temples all over the world and to have the blessing and privilege of going there

26.   I am thankful for KNOWLEDGE.  “Knowledge is love, light and vision” Helen keller  I am Gratful too, today that Austin called to talk! while he drives!!!

25. Tonight I am grateful for a Prophet (now Prophets) who teach us things to do to stay close and keep the commandments tonight especially for Family Home Evening (aka:FHE).

24.  I am thankful for the numbers; 77, 88, 45, 56, 81, 73 and 10  -- You know who you are!  What number were YOU?

23. Today I am grateful that my baby girl Ayris Joan is home from school for thanksgiving!!!!

22.  I am grateful for the ability to Forgive.

21.  I am thankful for Facebook Friends – it’s a great way for me to stay in touch with so many from everywhere we’ve lived.

20. So grateful my mom gave me traditions …  I attempt to maintain them…cookies, candies and Bread – OH MY!

19.  Grateful to spend Time with Richie (not so much WORK today)! 

18.  Tonight Super grateful to see and visit with Delia and Real and to meet Raygan (her new baby girl)

17.   I am grateful for … living in this country being able to go to church when and where I want.

16.  I am thankful that as the scripture says; “Behold my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord”

grateful to go to TOFW with Marion

15.  I am Super Grateful for my time in Nebraska and my travels across Wyoming, for the friends I made and the appreciation of the pioneers I gained in that time there.

14.  I am thankful tonight for and to see that beautiful Washington sunset! I do miss those Nebraska sunsets though.

Seminary Class in Nebraska

13.  I am pretty grateful today to be just about done unpacking!!It’s been along road and a BIG BIG change. I am grateful for a warm, dry place to take off my shoes – I like to call it “Home”!

12.  I am grateful that it’s my Apryls Bday she is my defender, protector and inspiration!

Apryl and Vaughn in New York for lunch

11.  I am grateful to be related to soldiers who serve and protect our freedom and our rights in the USA!

10.   I am grateful for Ayris and her blog about Veterans Day!!

Elder Sobczak Oct 2013

9.  I am grateful for technology.  I love that I can be in my “our” home and still “chat”, email, Message and see see my family and friends afar!

8.  I am grateful for a great picture/letter that I received from Elder Sobczak today!

7.  I am grateful we are employed and that it brought us back to the Northwest!!

6.  I am grateful for transportation …. Thankful to have a car.

5.  I am grateful for “fLat Amric”!  YAY! I found you!!!

4.  I am grateful for Richard – who has stuck with me all these years … (I’m kinda hard to live with)

3.  I am grateful for Time on this earth to live!

2.  I am grateful for Hard Work

1.    I am Grateful for Pictures to Remember people by.

ABC's of Thanksgiving 2012 

I am grateful for...

Adoption

Book of Mormon

Cheese

Douglas, Arizona!

Elma Eagles

Family

Grandbabies

Holland

Iris

Judyann

Kindness

Light

MCCoy

Nouns

Optimism

Promises Kept

Quiet

Radio Flyers

Seminary

T-Shirts

United States

Valley

Wall Art

Xerocopiar

Yesterday

Zeal

“The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!" 

Joseph F. Smith

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng&query=grateful