The more things change the more they stay the same ... Or Do They?
who am I and more important what is my life style
whats my "cause"?
whats yours?
what brings me Joy?
you?
whats my lifestyle?
and you what is your lifestyle?
Am I a Two Story farmhouse girl? A sandy beach house girl? A skyscraper woman? or a Trailer Rat? Am I a night time rambler or a Spanish Mansion? I think I might be a row house without a row! When I was a teenager I had the dream of a wrap around porch and dormers. When I was in college I thought a salt box was the way to go; stands alone one personality presents itself to the entrance and one to the back yard Strong and independent. I had a dream once that I was in a house with long dark hallways and lots of rooms and so we bought the Ginny Lane house! I had a spiritual experience once that presented me the elusive "white house with a red roof" and it has been my vision ever since! What lifestyle lies in that house for me and why do I care? What kind of a house are you and is the house the life style?
Profile
Today I was wondering why my profile pics in comparison to others is an older one from the past. The answer inside my head was "I guess I liked myself then". Which got me to thinking!
I was impulsive and acted often without thinking!! It's nice being young and not knowing your family is poor or dysfunctional. In other blog entries I've skimmed lightly over my life history, stopping at my Young adult years of which that journal has been burned and only a few pictures remain; thank goodness social media waited for me to finish that section of my life before being fully instituted!!! This year I have the goal to not look back longingly. I have over these last few months been inspired with the phrase "Thru Him you can fix this." April seems to be my worst month, my month of wanting to look back longingly. The last 3 years have been so soul searching ... so weightganingly depressing, so looking back longingly. Now a days Richard is having his own searching conundrum. Anyway, I had all those thoughts in like a second after asking myself why I use old pics as a profile picture?!!!
and thus we see
I liked myself! and then I haven't! I want to again, but first I want to understand why I didn't and then have a change of heart.
Lets get on the magic school bus and go back
When have I "liked" myself? ...
I liked me as a kid
I liked me as a tween
I had my dislike moments as a teenager
What families did I like and fit in with and why...
DH...It was great being here. Family, chaos, love all kinds of personalities we were kids it was awesome. Residential she built her own firepit patio with Brick BBQ
JH... I loved her home her mom was great everything was pristine and so I prbly felt like it was out of my league For heavens sake they had a living room with a piano in it!!!!
RG...I really liked the parents I fit in with them the siblings didn't like me so much! Rambler
TG.. loved being there, loved the siblings, parents didn't really love me that much so I may have been always on guard residential rambler with a basement
BP... hated me rambler with a pool (kinda!)
Young...I felt like It was a dream I'd never get this the farm, the attention, but the bars - awkward! Ranch in the mountains
ECP...they taught me what my lifestyle was suppose to be like. I wanted this. Everything about this I wanted. The dad the mom the siblings the house the yard the chores the respect the fighting the making up the prayers before bed the forever bonds. Residential 2 story
GB... love I could be myself here, well I wanted to be myself - I was still on guard except with Gunga and Papa they were real and non judgmental! small humble residential pool pool pool patio brick BBQ
The Stables... I loved it there. I wanted to be comfortable there, but no one around me was comfortable - they were afraid of Daddy and Tom - They knew I was not suppose to fit it. I never had a chance to see if this was my life style.
JA... No that was my time to be who ever I wanted. College apts, 20 something friends, I saw some things! I was comfortable and then guilty maybe in this house. In her family home I was always comfortable and loved the beach, weird for me cuz I don't like to lay in the sun or get in the ocean. I loved the camaraderie the since of people connecting going to lounge and visit, tortillas and salmon, brain tacos, drinking (me soda) and dancing, sleeping and family. I loved it I loved it all. BUT! I was Very uncomfortable with the second language.
VinDel I was the happiest here with this family! weird. I was part of something. I prbly did things with this family that teenagers do that I never did. OOOooops! But the family. I wanted the family. They did everything together. The drama, the love, the drinking, the hugging, the races, the religion, the chatting, the friend shipping, the dreaming it was all done together. No one covered up anything or anyway it didn't seem to me as if they did. They spoke english!!!!
lots more houses homes people have influenced me these are the highlights!
I love the quote -
“At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
Now for my houses so many, too many to count...highlights! thinking Lifestyle thats it at this point!
skipping the childhood for now - thats a whole other chapter.
Spool table first apt.
garden boxes first trailer home!
patio patio patio
hated the condo
liked didn't love the luxury apts
back yard tinkering
pool
happiest in the house with the dommers but happy inside it with the wood stove and the family
large family rooms
pool hot tub fire pit
cool back yard for get togethers anyone and everyone
pretty much inside is for family outside for get togethers but in the rain country need space inside for all too I loved it love love loved it when my seminary kids or friends of the children came over
lake beach
view
and thus we see
My lifestyle is patios BBQs water but to look at not really swim in and People!
I hope people remember how they "felt" and that it was good, and comfortable that they felt loved when being at my house
Thats my goal, my vision my lifestyle!
How is being 59 any different than being 19?
So how am I at 59 the same or different and what and how has that made me who I am today. The deal is I feel like the same person, yet I know I am different and maybe I don't want to be I want to be FUN, impulsive and full of Sass vs jaded, anxious and full! Also note here I still write with question marks and exclamation points that has not changed. My grammar is definitely still me no matter the age!! The more things change at 59 for me are they really any different or am I any different that I was a 19? The point being you ask? I don't know it's just always running thru my brain every day and today I am writing it down!! I want their to be a point I want to gain something and for you out there striving to find discover, or answer that inner voice asking yourself; whats my life style, what kind of a house am I? Not the whole where did I come from thing? more because of life experiences who am I is it true that inside we are always still that same 17 year old kid cuz back then i would have said; sex drugs and rock'n roll and today I say sex drugs and rock'n roll with a different attitude are they the same how has it changed? Whats the perspective? the lifestyle? and why do I write like I'm talking to someone and expecting feedback?
Then and now... (19 and 59)
sex
I think its changed. definitely still happening, still talked about.
1950's; “A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.”
― Marilyn Monroe
1990's “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all. None of them liked art or music. They just wanted to fight and get laid. It was many years ago but it gave me this real hatred for the average American macho male.”
― Kurt Cobain
this century “I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?”
― Margaret Cho
Growing up it was talked about in my home "NO NO NO NO NO"! I feel like I talked about it with my kids, but they seem to not have heard what I think I said! I always swore it was Clintons fault that it changed so in the media. Back in the day my first response would have been words like Curious, Reverence and Marriage. Now sadly my first response is Preference?, Porn, Abuse, fear and human trafficking.
drugs
Still out there. Still prevalent in most peoples lives in one way or another. Talked about way more openly which seems like it would help in the avoidance of addiction, but I don't really see that. Legal use of pills and weed are taking peoples free agency away not aiding in it.
rock'nRoll or Country!!
Music is a mood enhancer and a mood killer. I can't find music anymore for the me that is me now. Help!!! I like it all from late 60's / early 70s's country/Western, Rock and Motown and then the 90's!
I still want music in my life and it hasn't changed at all what I like. For instance the other day I swept with a small brush sand into place around patio rock and listened to a playlist called "light" yes inspirational almost religious songs. It was deeply methodical and relaxing I discovered that I really enjoyed the combination of the two things. Then this morning I listened to a playlist entitled "Should I stay or should I go" In the midst of it I was crying and depressed and searching again for who I am, not very motivational for a work out!!!
Rejection
I think this might be my toughest one. My most sensitive one that I work on today. One of my sons told me recently he reads my blog but I "should write more present day" - hum I think I've found a topic. I don't write present day cuz it's so "out there" then! (I guess that goes with my Profile picture thought! hum!) I didn't know this was an issue with me until right now! But I know it's the same at 19 that it is today at 59 I'm just not sure what "it" is!!! I find myself asking is it rejection or attachment that I fear?
Women in the work force
I used to say, when I was a (out in the work force) "working" mom and wife. "Someday I am going to write a book about working (out in the work force) women and the men that put them there"! I'd still like to write that book but I bet my perspective would be different.
On being pregnant
When My Mom was pregnant she did everything she could to hide such an embarrassing fact. Big tent tops and dresses totally loose fitting clothing no discussion with anyone about this topic.
The First time being pregnant I gained lots of weight - attitude going to gain weight anyway - take lots and get lost in group photos!!
My last pregnancy I gained the least amount of weight ... already had the extra pounds gained! - take photos and hide behind anyone I could.
Todays pregnancy she only gains the amount of the baby weight and wears tight fitted clothes or none and poses for lots of pictures on social media.
Pregnancy still happens but yes it's changed.
Repentance
then it was all about releasing all the guilt to someone now it's a real change of heart actually not wanting to do that (whatever it is) again. It's why I am overweight right. I haven't had a change of heart. I still want to eat.
eating
which leads me to eating! then my metabolism would allow me to eat whatever whenever and burn thru it. Now I want to still do that and I still do do that and Bam! so this has changed and stayed the same I can control some of it but not all -- I hate stuff I can't control ... now that has not changed not sure it ever will!!!!
watching TV
I grew up watching TV alone with the family with friends. We all watched it together and laughed and cried and talked about it AT THE SAME TIME! I still watch tv, alone with ... Richie!!! No one does it at the same time any more!!!! So lost the connectivity there with all the availablity, plus not too much really good shows on anymore that a person can watch! Tv is still there that hasn't changed, but WOW TV is very different.
Death
People die. Tim died. When daddy died I fell apart even more than I knew until just recently. When my sister died part of me died inside -the part where hope and bonding live, I learned about how we say; "we mourn with those that mourn" just ... well it wasn't true for me, I felt I was alone no one mourned with me. But then Tom Timmy Uncle Otis Aunt El never so empty as when Mom died. So death is the same people are still gone. What has changed is ... in life I see thru my own experiences the things these people attempted to teach me to my face that it took them being out of reach for me to "get it", catch on truly have more wisdom with the age of 59 than 19!
and thus we see
Life creates the lifestyle and because of it we are who we are so, Accept yourself. More than that don't judge others or attempt to be who you think they are, cuz they aren't that person at all!!! The house; it's home because of who you share it with. Love yourself pamper yourself teach yourself - Only You can save You! Never give up and Remember who you are!
