Family comes together in Death

Jan 2000 and I quote some thoughts from my paper; My sister died this week.  I am shocked and shaken, disappointed and scared.  What will I do without her? Who will take care of everything? I can't even believe she is gone.  Richard told me in the garage as I got out of the car, Matthew called mama she was home alone when he told her. We were all afraid about half the time of what she would say to people or what she would do next, but she was our defender! 

We flew down Mom, Austin and myself.  We stopped and picked up Tom in Maricopa. I hadn't seen my brother in years.  He looked terrible, He looked like a little old pregnant man - My big strong cowboy has something killing him in his pancreas. I am so worried for him, I am praying for him to be healed and find happiness in Jesus Christ.

We got to the church in Rocky Point at 11pm.  The people had stayed there waiting for us to arrive. In fact they stayed there all night long they were mostly catholic in a mormon church having a wake! or it seemed to the tradition of the people to be what they thought was happening.  Austin said he would miss school and come with me he was the only one to volunteer, he served well he was my strength and my crutch.  When we got there my sister lay in a box covered with glass I just wanted to fall to her.  I was crazy mad at who ever had done her makeup...she didn't ever wear pink lipstick!  -it wasn't her, it couldn't be.  I feel such loss, such pain for myself but more for mom, matthew, Olaf and Jorge.  Tio Jorge actually talked to me in English it took something like this for him to say "I love you Kelly you can still come to the house anytime".  How do people cope when they loose someone? Only have ever lost my Dad (who also died in January! another entry).  It is so awful that it took this to get us as a family all together at Sis's house in Rocky Point, something she had always wanted. People should take the time and make the effort to get together as a family oft.

The funeral was nice and lots of people attended. My heart breaks for the boys. Later in the month as I see in my notes I am trying to deal with the idea of her being gone.  It's been a really long week - at times I think I'm loosing my mind. Can't control anything not even my thoughts.  I lost my pack for 3 days can't stop thinking about it can't get anything else done worrying about where it is.  Austin is a big help, he has been supportive and helped me look he is kind.  I must pull my head out, Amric is too little he deserves a fair shot I will take him to Basketball camp today.

When we arrived in Mexico, Timmy was already there. Timmy if you can imagine turns out to be the fastest there and actually a helper to Matthew.  He was for once of good cheer and attempting to control the consumption of alcohol (at least in front of mama)!  I am grateful that he and Austin had a better visit this time.  The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Puerto Penasco Mexico came through, the offered food, compassion and much support I will always be grateful.

Today WILL be a good day!  I'm showing signs of depression Scaring myself don't think anyone else notices -- I must take care of myself.  have had no friends here send any note of compassion.  If Kelley were here she would help me.  I am seeing that I am depressed and want help yet need to be strong so that no one knows I need help. How is that?  How do I get through this? the scriptures help me with this thought:  in the book of Mormon Ether 12:4Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

 5And it came to pass that Ether did prophesy great and marvelous things unto the people, which they did not believe, because they saw them not.

 6And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

This was my hope and my light in these dark days.  If there is anyone who needs this I hope that you can read this and find hope too.  I will for sure write more about this and how it evolved as I review the last 30 years month by month over the next year.