Afraid to step off

Consider you are in SLC how do you drive to El Paso?  My huby and I we like the back roads, we take the long way around on all sorts of roads in life in more ways than one!  Why of course you take a four hour drive over mountains... it was beauty let me tell ya Grand Jct to Durango you must do it some time, take the time don't be afraid to step off the main freeway.  Well in some of those pull offs You Should Be Afraid!!! Hwy 550 in Colorado was an often traveled road in my youth. Not a road to be considered lightly! Views are spectacular, extra time should be allowed. It's on this road I had the thought, "don't be afraid to step off".  But then asking myself how to do that as a happily married "couple" well that's been enlightening to consider!!!

the road over the mountain

May 2017... But, I ask; How then are we to step off when our lives are so intertwined with the love of our lives, or our family or our work when we are controlled by other peoples choices - how do we step off on our own?  I can make choices and goals, dream dreams all the day long but when it comes down to it ... if he isn't going to step off with me - their ain't no steppin' off going on!

Feb 2019...I've been hand writing my "blogs" for the most part the past year or so, I do like coming back to see where I was at in my head, what were my thoughts I can see from my last entry more than a year ago I was pretty down and out I like using my blog entries (maybe they only influence or help me) so here I am.  I feel like I write more and in a little more depth of thought when I am typing it out on my blog vs paper so let us see where I am at here in Feb. 2019!         

 Lets back up where am I and why before I see where I am going to step off ....

I started this entry in May 2017! Entitled Afraid to step off, the title jumped out at me today and then in rereading it it seemed to only be gibberish -notes making no sense, yet it is exactly how I feel today  Afraid to step off, make the cut (Feb 21) so I am going to Step off here start blogging again and move forward. I am going to put up or shut up or as my dad would say "shit or get off the pot"!  It's time for me to Not be afraid to step off, afraid of answering the phone, afraid to open the door, afraid to write, to make a choice, to commit.

My Happiness Project Oct 2016-2017 stepped off well!  Executed and followed thru with, I was committed.  I will ever be grateful for my experience #MyHappinessProject.

Endeavour to be... 2018 every month I stepped off into a new goal.  Endeavour to be was in everything.  Megan bought me a necklace that I love and still can feel the desire to step off into endeavouring at something new (example of one of my topics).

My theme for life 2019 is "Consider Your Ways" so I have indeed been doing that with about every choice I have had before me, sometimes to the point of overthinking it.  So far in 52 days we have considered buying A Unity Motorhome, A 32' travel trailer, Trading in our truck for a different bigger beefier Truck, Moving to Texas, then Arizona, then Colorado and back to Arizona!  Each time it seemed "consider your ways" actually talked us out of those choices.  Yesterday we decided to move back to Washington!
Now in considering our ways I have reviewed all our moves searching for Why on earth He would suggest this when he is the one that wanted to prepare to retire in the Sun of the Southwest.  We have been married coming up on 38 years 20 of those years in Washington!! We moved often, we've stepped off lets say into 7 states and more times or houses than years! This is how I see it. Every time we stepped off it was for the purpose bettering the career.  Finally it's time for Us! We are the parents that didn't ever take time away from the raising of our kids, right or wrong in the long run it's what we did and now it's time for us.  And so we ask ourselves - Where do We love living?   We love Washington.  I loved it from the moment I got out of Arizona. He was raised in the PNW so he loves it too.  He asked Where would I live if I could live anywhere? I said Washington and here we go!!! Consider that will ya!!!

Mountain Baker

Now!
We are all moved in.  We have really gotten organized, we have gone on drives, walks, dinners ... now it's time to get back to work.  I have my own space.  He has his.   Some goals, some dreams require only one of you to step off, some require 2.  I'm not good at dreaming or imagining even which makes me afraid of stepping off of everything.  Of that which I can control I commit as I did in 2016 to step off and be productive.  Consider my old ways and better them, improve everyday everyday everyday to be a little better.  When you are not bread winner you have limitations, you can't just step off when and where ever you want.  You kinda have to follow the job.  It's a complete drag.  I feel like I let that make me dependant and more subservient than I pictured myself ever being. Control your choices to the edge of what you can control.

Neptune Beach just above Lummi Bay

 I am hoping and dreaming and imagining taking back some of my choices.  I will blog, write, sort, quilt, travel walk, maybe hike again someday!!! I consider it time to step off, I don't have much time left.  How many chances can a girl get anyway?

Last night I debated posting this, its committing myself if I do right!  This is my problem being afraid to step off to commit to be consistent with my goals, dreams and lets just say it - My expectations of myself -- I gotta step off.

again i say - Wish my luck!

Oh I heard you!

August 1, 2016


I'm not here to float along
behind you - I'm just not.

Yes I fear, I am drowning!

There is no more float.

Throwdown Meltdown
Get Up Get Down

Voices coming from?

Positive negative; mom,You, me?
I want my own echo.

Choices - you can't make it for me

Battles within mine
so sick of it all I choose

Choose what Submission

Pray, Pray to who asking for what?

What matters ya'll get your way anyway!

Do I Submit.
Am I Selfish? or Empathetic?
An enabler or Sympathetic?
more like Pathetic!

Find myself Know my heart.
For goodness sake

Be satisfied.
with what?
with who?

I want happiness.

To know a smile.

To laugh, I used to laugh, where has it gone?
I'm jaded and alone
I need to FEEL again.

To make a choice without hesitation
without fear.

Fear of disappointment 

Fear of rejection

Fear of failure
Have faith you say
Have hope I pray
My sincere desire is eternal life
with the Love of Family and God
and self
Love In my own heart.
It's trust
I seek
and peace.
It takes two to not drown.
There is an undercurrent happening
a constant silent conversation going on.
There is white water all around.



It needs work but it's a ruff draft~
isn't that life? a ruff draft
I hope I get to edit and update in the eternities!!!

Mesa Third Ward Reunites

#Perspective #Roots #Family #Time #Closure

And Not One Picture! (Really? me! the queen of pictures from the past!)

Thoughts on seeing, hugging and reuniting with friends from the past....

Pre - anxiety, fear and excitement - joy if you will...

But more than that, (believe me or I wouldn't have showed up) is the "feeling", the feeling I remember of being there in that building WITH them.  I lived in this ward boundary and attended church with these people for over half of my life (as of now!) and maybe especially because we have moved so much since we have been married I am overwhelmed with
love and desire to be there, to see them.
The feeling that the past is the past and for good or bad these are my people and that I accept them now and forever (of course should mean that they in turn will accept me)!!!

side notes...

I met at Urlene and Mikes we talked and talked and talked.  Amazing how without seeing each other for so long we can just pick right back up. I love her! We talked so long our husbands were very bored with the same stories and not that impressed with the fond memories of past boyfriends, memories of 3rd ward and family - Funny the different perspectives!

At the reunion...Lyle ask me if I remembered all the pictures of the Bishops on the wall in the Bishops office? I answered without a thought "Yes indeed I was in there alot"!  

I really missed the sliding glass doors to the overflow!  You know I was married in that chapel and had my reception in that cultural hall.

I Had a great conversation with Sister Willis. See I still say "Sister" my mom demanded respect that way - no one (well except Betty) was ever called by their first name. Still to this day it's hard for me to call people by their first name!!!

It was so cool to just "chat" with old friends. To hug the boy I sent on a mission. To hear the voices of leaders. To see adults that were children I taught and babysat. To see Tyson and meet his son. To know that life moves on lives and families are created and to be reminded that without the atonement life would be harder, uglier and less successful, joyful complete.

Back to my thoughts on the reunion...

I wanted so badly to see them all (this village that helped raise me) and "feel" something.  I wanted that so much that I paid lots of money to fly across the states to spend an hour and a half in their presence.  I'm not saying that every memory I had there is a good one, but because of them I am who I am. 
I have none of my immediate "growing up" family left, so I think that my association here is needed that "these are my people" these "are my roots" and yes I indeed believe that what I have in these relationships is family; the Parent figures; Harvey and Betty Green, Sophie and Lloyd Harper, Betty and Stan Abbott, Corrine and Fred Dewitt, Brenda and Terry Reed, and Liana Willis,  these are they who along with Bishop Watson, and Bishop and Toni Brown, Ella O'loughlin and Mary Jepson(who have all moved on to a better world) well, these are they who raised me.  So yes to go to a ward reunion for me was a "Family Reunion". 
With those parental figures also comes all the "siblings" - Urlene, Susan, Lyle, Sheila, Debbie, Jane, Renee, Valerie, Julie, April, Rhea, Terry, Bobby, Eldon, Mark, Andra, Tanya, Richard, Elmers, Tyson, Stacy, Tera, Marion, Taun the Jensens, the browns, the Flakes, The Sanchez, The Starks, The Abbotts, Ronnie, Timmy, Kristen, Tom, The Farnsworths, The Rowleys, Brother Ball!!!.... just to name a few who each one in one way or another had something to do with who I am today.  
Then the only "blood family" I have there in Arizona; Matthew and Olaf - I was SUPER blessed they showed up ... we are all of the "McCoy Clan" since 1961 that is left to REPRESENT at the Mesa Third Ward reunion. My sister had ties there and brought her sons up always including them in the Third Ward from blessings and baptism to friendships and campouts.
Which brings me to Iris!!!  WOW! As I looked around the room and silently remembered the people, the experiences, the building, that room and that stage, the pictures and slide show and comments... Mom you were woven in that tapestry inside and out. I couldn't see anyone that you didn't affect the life of in one way or another. I saw People that you raised.  People that you taught. People that you served with. Thank you mom for being my strongest root, my beacon in a storm. You Mom, were the light and example for me and so many others.  From Relief Society to Primary. From Young Women to Ward Camp Outs. Come Hell or High Water you were there to serve and support all of us. I watched that! I observed you in your actions of; "Observe and then Serve" way before it was "popular"!!  From you I learned so many many things and I can honestly say; 
"My Mother Taught me".  I'm sure many there the 25th day of October 2014 could have said the same.  You were indeed missed.  I felt your presence your arms around us, your unconditional love right there in that big hall on that evening.

Post - peace, closure, gratitude, joy in remembrance...

it was more about the people than the building, (I guess it does help to have the village!!) it is feelings and the bonds felt therein.  It was the traditions. The Unity. It was the Things our Mothers taught us, remembered with love, woven into it all was the Gospel that was felt, testified to and taught there.  

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!!!

I "POaST" about my Life --- 1967 ...

4th grade

Spending more and more time at the stables.  
Dad and Tom tease me that I like "a little black kid".  I don't get it?? 

 My Friend Annette had a birthday in March and I wanted to take her a gift. My mother tried to tell me that it just wasn't going to happen, that we don't go into that part of town, again I don't get it.  I've learned since then that they called it "north town" or "the projects".  I did not know or even care that it was different place to live. "Please take me Mom" I asked again and again. I remember a long discussion at the kitchen table. She did take me. I will never forget that day. Mom driving me into that neighborhood and people actually coming out of their house and standing up on their porches watching us.  Again I didn't get it.  Mom sat in the car while I went up and knocked on the door and handed my friends mom her gift. They look bewildered.  I didn't get it.   
This girl was my friend, why wouldn't I take her a present or be invited to her party (which I wasn't by the way!). 
 I ran across this link I think it's super interesting and something at the time I didn't understand or even know about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MILe8kYcwAY

Tom and Kelly

Seems as if mom is working LL THE TIME! I have to be home alone or go to the stables to do chores. I am not found of either thing.  I get in trouble when left home alone, I either bring people in or watch too much tv alone.  I definetly do my chores, Mom scares me! But the threat of Daddy scares me more.  Tom is now going to the stable everyday after school.  I miss hanging with him.  Sometimes he lets me go with he and his crowd to Papago Park to ride horses ... really, he wants me there so I can stand and hold the horses while they skinny dip in the lakes there.  I would never do that or even go in that gross water!  But I love going to this park and hiking and riding horses.  I am scared though when we ride on McDowell with all the traffic.  I love all of Toms friends.

Once my friends Marie and Cotton and I went riding on the canal bank and we were racing the horses back.  My horse screeched to a halt at a place where a side walk path went across the bank and I did not stop! I went over head first! Cotton road like the wind to get Tom.  When he got there he roped me and made me walk back to the stable behind he and his horse with that rope around me.  I went to school after the weekend and Mrs Hunsaker said "Kelly I think your arm is broken". She called mom. We went to the Hospital and sure enough, I'd been 3 days with a broken arm and all my hurting WAS real after all!!! Even though "It was too far from my heart to kill me",  "nor was it Bleeding!" as they all told me over and over again all weekend!!!

KellySue and Judyann when we still lived in the little green trailer

FHE  INSTRUCTIONS -Please Write your Dreams and your Fears...
Daddy
dreams;
Money
good race horse
new truck for my horse trailer
Fears;
I get the Blues
Lack of Money
Tom 
dreams;
Being myself in the Mountains and having Fun
RODEO
Working on a ranch I own
Fears;
revenge
that I'll run
not acting like "I should"
Mother
dreams;
Having all my family going to and in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Going Back to School
Being thin enough to wear pants!
Fears;
no unity in my family and they don't go to church
neglecting my home
I don't study enough to improve myself
I wish I could SING!
Kelly Sue
dreams;
i want to be a fairy to make everyone happy give them what they want
i dream of being a teacher and hallering at the children!
I dream to be a mother
Fears
mom and dad mad at me
my toys are broken and gone
being left alone

Kathy and Tim

The Birth of Tim Michael McCoy in El Paso Texas ...

October 16th 1967     7 lbs 13 oz. to the parents Kathy and Tim McCoy 

Mom went to be with them in Texas. 20 Oct these are some Journal entries;
"I am lonesome daddy comes home late. I wait up for everyone to come home Tom isn't even here yet. I watched Perry Mason while I waited. I played like I was having Family Home Eve only no one showed up. I was alone and I turned to the 2nd lesson and I read about knowing Heavenly Father and that he loves me, it helped make me not to be afraid."

and a different night ....

"I was afraid tonight in the dark house I prayed and Tom came home in 5 min. It helps to pray I am glad I read about that last night for my Family Home EVE. I love my mom, I miss her.  Tomorrow I think I have to go sleep at the stable."


and then...
"always people at the stable, but I am still alone. I worked on my hook rug and cleaned the floors. Is that all I am good for to Daddy cleaning?  I believe I picked my mom to come to live with, I wonder why she is always so busy?  I love you Mom.  I miss doing your hair tonight."

TV/Movies/Music

Playing baseball at recess I was pitching and got hit smack dab in the pelvic bone fell to the ground. It was hot. I cried. They called mom I am ok.  I don't like to play baseball.  I like to go to the movies, dance, I like 4 square, jacks and kick ball!  I can't pay attention to read.  Story problems are the worst, reading and Math  eeeeewwwwggggghhhh!

I found this letter that Grandma wrote because she has a new great grandson thought I'd include it here... 

To you my unknown great grandsons and daughters,

I bequeath my love of God and all the revealed principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I bequeath my love of your great grandfather and for our children Otis, Iris and Elda Tomney. I hope you will cherish the memory of Philip Michael Tomney your Great Grand Father. And I hope you will love truth as he did and cultivate the virtue of honesty that he did.  I bequeath to you too the honor and respect for your step Great Grand Father Albert Robinson Lyman that I feel for him. He is truly a man of God, a patriarch, in the church of Jesus Christ and in age is now 87 and still eager to DO all he can for everyone to help them gain Eternal Life and I am grateful to him for all he has done for me.  May God bless you with a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel.  With heartfelt for all my own 

Gladys Perkins Tomney Lyman

I am grateful for "K" - Kindness

 I am Grateful for "K"  Kindness

Kindness can't be still

like water it must be moveing

through trial and joy

Lie for me hide truth

Reality mistakes cover

Don't make me face it

Want to make them proud

mistakes, decisions, choices

A parent covers

Anxiety rules

Depression highs and lows

A spirit that can't be reached

Why do people lie

The darkness of betrayal

Please, Don't let me fall

Out of the dark

I alone harbor my fear

To let someone down

Work is my release

Atta girl is my reward

Heaven seems so far

Fear No trust at home

Enemy is at the door

Love thy enemy

Resist temptation

Does any of it matter

Where is my reward?

Worthy unworthy

Family, friends, addiction

Answer me, Free my soul

Like a stream I move

A river you are loud & bold

my choice is silence

Unconditional

Charity is the answer

Kindness over all.

ksmsthemom 2012

are you an advocate for the devil?

I heard the question today "Why would you want to be the devil's advocate?"
Now I've heard this in conversation before, I've probably said it myself.  But today I wondered ... why would you?  The devil wants us to be dark, fearful, question everything about ourselves and our lives around us, he wants contention, depression, darkness well I could go on.  Thus my quote on facebook today which reads; "that which does not edify is not of God".  I'm not sure about how crazy personal I want to get on this blogging thing yet, but today I guess since this is my goal to rid myself of paper and "declutter" ... well this is where I write tonight! 
I ask myself what does it mean to be edified?  To learn, to educate, to uplift are a few things that come to mind.  So as I go about my day what would I be doing to be an advocate for the devil?  My daughter and I have been tossing around the word "Television"!, (that and fast food are my down fall!!! but that is another entry for another day).   Well we have decided that if the TV show is depressing we are going to stop watching it!  Constantly filling my mind with stories of people who are devils advocates who never get their love right who kill, cheat, and steal probably shouldn't be my constant, probably don't give me edification! 

quote by Coleen Menlove

Fear can paralyze us if we allow it. Satan promotes fear that he might have power over us.

Satan also promotes darkness. In both Lehi’s and Nephi’s dreams, darkness in the form of a mist confused some and caused them to lose sight of the tree of life (see 1 Ne. 8:23; 1 Ne. 12:4). Darkness was part of the Prophet Joseph Smith’s experience in the grove just before he was instructed by God the Father and Jesus Christ (see JS—H 1:15–16). Many have allowed darkness to keep them from the love of God. Satan’s way is to confuse and discourage or, at the very least, distract us from doing what Heavenly Father would have us do.

As we replace fear with faith and then demonstrate our humility, we are blessed with a feeling of peace. Lisa said: “Peace finally came after I was sustained and set apart. I felt a little excitement, but not without caution and humility close behind. I began to gain greater insight into the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. It is a deeply felt love I have experienced.”

The Lord trusts and loves us enough to want to use us in blessing the lives of others. What a wonderful feeling of peace and joy that knowledge can bring! In Helaman we read, “Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved” (Hel. 5:47).

I can face it.  I can have peace. I am replacing fear with faith and emptiness with service!!!