Self sabotage about happiness

Buying and selling a house is for some easier than for others. This time in particular we had been on a Sunday afternoon drive and we found a house and we actually talked Dad into calling a realtor to go inside and look at it (he didn't ever really let us do that much).  It was just a few short weeks later and we were packed up yet again and moving in.  Everything fit together so smoothly. Some would say - Like it was meant to be! Super stoked, felt very blessed so happy to settle in and belong somewhere.

this is me in Hawaii - "Gitty" with excitement to be there

I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed with the opportunity to go to Hawaii 2 times in my life. Once on a very fun very timely school "field trip" with my daughter and her class to sing and serve thru her choir class her senior year in high school.  I was so excited to go and spend time with her.

Recently I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed to go with my husband, son and 2 granddaughters.  Terrible picture -  I will get to this... this is me "gitty"!

Holy Holy! Super spoiled. I love my mini pool and I am in it almost daily.  Richard spent big bucks on the baby for me and I know that he did it for me.  Inside I was bursting!

These three small experiences are quick thoughts about times when I have felt Happy, excited happy like "come on down", or "Lets make a Deal" jump up and down happy.  But I cannot remember jumping up and down any of these times or for a very long time. That might be a reason people think I am not a happy person.

I started writing this around Mothers Day and so I stopped.  I don't want to be one of "those" people that blames the mom!  So where my thoughts were going seemed non appropriate for the time, let me pick up with this thought.  My Mother was a very good mom. She loved me unconditionally.

Now what I am striving to do is 

1 be happy without her and 

2 learn from how I was raised who I am.

Maybe I mean to say show happiness without her.  I love my daughters all 8 of them! just as unconditionally as I know she loved me.  But this is not about me being a mom, this is about me thinking I can show happiness without hurting or offending another person.

I'm struggling here to write what my thoughts are.  --Obviously.

One day I was communicating with one of my daughters, she suggested therapy.  Is it that obvious I ask myself? Am I unhappy? I suggested to my husband that we go to a Marriage retreat, he said absolutely not and then ask later why would I think we needed to go to that? It all got me to this place where I am still today.

My Mom.

I loved talking to her as a tween, we did everything together. She was my best friend, (well besides Urlene who was more of a sister bff type!). I watched her take me on Vacations, send me to dance, pay bills, discipline, pray all with me and only me. When I was growing up I watched this woman work - she taught me to work to like it and to expect that I'd be doing it all of my life and to find happiness in the completion of a job well done!  I watched her on occasion with my Dad mostly at the dinner table, I don't remember seeing what I would have perceived as happiness, you know joy. I watched her volunteer in many capacities before, after and during church - that is where I saw the passion, the light, the happiness and the joy.  Because my older siblings didn't really participate in the church, I watched her be sad a lot.  (Side note here, as a mom it is frustrating to think you have taught your kids something from a chore to a feeling and see them not care about it) thats what she felt.

From this 2 things happened

1. I thought I was in charge at home and in the marriage and 

2. I've thought - It's my responsibility to save the family, make mom happy and ignore me.

When I say ignore me, what I mean is and didn't realize until just last month. I didn't act happy to be "gitty" around her about stuff, anything because I didn't want her to be sad or have her fillings hurt because I was happy and she wasn't.  And Thus we see I have created a pattern of not showing, displaying even knowing how to express happiness.  If I am "gitty" someone will think I self absorbed someone will be hurt.  I am no better than anyone, I have self control.

Now what?