21 Days, 21 Days at a Time Rightly Applied

It is a new Dawn!  The small and simple things that I have learned over the past have led me to this new experiment of Trial and error, observing what I've learned and then recording how I will apply what I've learned and then following up on it thru this blog. Establishing Accountability and trust of self. All in the cause of the self discipline, being Healthy and not caving in to the addiction of self misery, self doubt, slothfulness, over eating and other assorted "Kelly Issues"!  I know it's public, it's out there... and if it's too self oriented, way too much information - well then STOP READING!  This is for me to be converted to my own new self established new program - 21 days, 21 days at a time to be a more healthy self, wife, empty nester, grandmother, friend, relative, church going woman!

The compare issue...

The one thing Positive that I look back on from my Youth was that I was always so proud to have a "Flat Stomach"!  My girl friends and I (and yes I did used to have friends I know that my children will not believe that!) used to stand in front of the mirror and inspect our bodies looking for imperfections. For example; I remember Debbie saying she was so much cooler than me cuz my thighs touched all the way down! Hers did not.  But on the other hand I had the flat stomach she had a pooch!  I'll stop there the rest really might be too much information and she isn't here any more to defend this conversation.  I miss you Deb.  When I graduated from High School I weighed in at 107 pounds and was 5'3".  I liked being considered short, sassy and lovable! a force not to be reckoned with lightly!

Life's consequences...

I lost my flat stomach after my first baby and continued from there to loose self esteem for the body, because that was the only "flattering" characteristic I believed that I had.  Well, I liked my freckles!  And now they have even turned on me and can all be considered perspective sources of cancer I have learned. Karma, life, trials all pretty much suck.  Then I go into self misery and doubt.  Hide in my house, don't answer my phone make excuses for going out and or Doing just about any thing.  Except when it comes to my husband, my kids or my seminary class and for them I would go and Do just about anything.  Which leads me to today, to this new Dawn in my life's journey.  No kids, No Seminary.  I've been this way for 4 months.  What is "This Way" I ask myself.  No life, No purpose, Nothing to do, No one to care for, again with the self misery, the self doubt and the wa! wa!  For the past 2 weeks I keep hearing that Wilson kid from the SEAHAWKS quote his Dad "Why Not You", if I was going to quote my Dad it would sound more like its time to "Shit or get off the Pot".  I am striving to do that today Daddy, wish me luck!

Change and Depression cause weight gain for me...

I can remember exactly the first time I bought (because I had to) size 13 pants! we lived in Vancouver Washington I had just quit my job to stay home and be a Mom. Making that change was a very hard "Choice" for me, but one I have never regretted any day of my life since wether we had money or not.  I can also remember exactly the first time I bought size 18 pants we were going to see Reba at the Tacoma Dome with some friends, I had gained so much weight I had only sweats to wear, we lived in Elma Washington Dec. 1995.  I have been on a roller coaster since that size 13 just trying to get back to a size 7 where I remember liking myself and being comfortable in my own flat stomach skin!  The following is me recording that roller coaster of trying, which in Richards words - "Trying is for Losers" has become my own downfall, creating walls with no windows some might call it - hermit status.  Then there was the day I had to buy size 20 - I was chasing 3 kids at home had a daughter in college and taking care of 2 older women living with us, not taking care of myself at all.  Roswell New Mexico 3 hours from anywhere!!   All I can say here is thank the good Lord for a church that requires a person to give by doing a "calling" which allowed me to give service and to study, pray, and learn all at the same time; it was in those days,  my only saving grace.

The Roller Coaster -

The Soup Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, Slim Fast, Metabolife, Eat and Be Lean, Weight Watchers, Take Shape For Life (Medifast), HCG, Solutions4 and Cleansing Detox all programs I have "tried" and both won and lost at!  In this dawn of a new season of my life I am going to apply the quote "Doctrine understood changes BEHAVIOR" by Boyd K. Packer from each of these programs I did in fact learn at least ONE thing that FOR ME is applicable and Best, something that will indeed create a lifestyle change using the knowledge that it takes 21 days to create a habit.   I want strong GOOD BETTER BEST habits in my lifestyle, I want to believe that they CAN BE to STRONG to be BROKEN.  That GOOD does WIN over BAD.


21 Days 21 Days at a Time

• Program
• Doctrine that I learned from doing it that helped me individually
• How will I apply this knowledge and change my Behavior   

1. The SOUP diet; it's highly good for you. It might be one meal of the day by the second day the soup is old and who wants to eat 8 bananas on wednesday!!??? Often we are willing to do the Great Big Thing, but not the small and simple things. Whatever, It makes since to me!  I'm gonna stop eating and just do this and then go back to what I was doing.  That doesn't work, not matter what the topic!  That isn't changin behavior.
2. The grapefruit diet;  grapefruit is a great meal for breakfast and who doesn't like bacon!
3. Slimfast; drink liquid don't eat food makes you loose weight.  Taste buds were never satisfied, I like food seems unnatural to ONLY drink.  Their is a need for protein, nutritional nutrients and must drink healthy!  Drink Water.
4. Metabolife; pills can boost your energy. Zane would ask "Why the hell do you need a pill when you wake up to get moving you just had 8 hours of sleep?".  Well my metabolism was screwed up.  Because I was running faster than I was physically able and thus turning to a quick fix.  Diet pills are not the answer.  Sometimes they aren't in the budget! Most times they affect the body in unnatural ways and can hurt your body even kill you.   Avoid chemicals and stimulants.
5. Eat and Be Lean; counting fat grams is a great skill. Replacing oil with applesauce also useful.  But on this program I was eating tons of muffins with converted recipes because she counted fat grams.  I am a carb addict.  I can eat a whole bag of chips, a complete bowl of popcorn WITH Butter, a foot long etc etc etc any time of day or night.  Along with the carbs comes the sugar.  If you know something isn't good for you avoid it.  At the time, I didn't really understand what works for her might be bad for me.  For instance; I taught my kids to never take a drink of alcohol. My reason was just this and I won't put my Father and my brothers, and my husbands Grandmother on the "A.A." list for them, I guess only they could have done that.  But it's in the blood and alcoholism has it's own consequences, is a problem for addicts and definitely runs in the blood stream of their heritage. Lets just say I got out lucky. My Mother, and both of her siblings had "The Sugar!".  My Sister died as a consequence of Sugar Diabetes.  I have the suffered and become aware of the toxins and consequences of Candidia.  Carbs make this condition worse and out of control for me. I "want" to say; absolutely No White Flour and White Sugar.   My Name is Kelly I am a "carbaholic", and a "caffeine alcoholic".  BEWARE and avoid.  This program did have a great record keeping format; journaling is a skill.  While eating, use this rule; in this order fill up on ... Water, Protein, Veggies, fruits, grain (carbs)! - for me anyway thats not the order she taught it!!!
6. Weight Watchers; Amric liked counting points, I did not. It has it's benefits. I will count carbs and calories.  I learned that I must keep track of what I eat.  I must weekly weigh in. I must take care of myself to enable me to take care of others.  Use a fork for dressing and condensed fruit is deceiving and a big waste of points/calories!
7. TSFL; small meals *3 hours apart, (they call it the 5 and 1 plan) with one meal of more substance. For me it is workable and achievable.  I lost 63 pounds in 6 months.  I had the best time wearing smaller clothes and mostly I remember the energy I had to keep up with Sammymantha, it was a Great summer!! I also started walking.  I liked walking, my kids bought me shoes that talked to my ipod and I loved that time for me. Be careful of your music choices it's really a time to feed your mind positive uplifting impressions. It's expensive, I don't always have the money to buy the bars, I didn't like the food in the cups nor the liquid drinks.  I really don't like ANY of anybody's drinks - I want FOOD! If I'm gonna drink-- well we covered that.  Because I ran out of money and my Mother died and I went into depression I gained this lost weight back plus 20 pounds.  I will continue to eat like clockwork every 3 hours allowing 100 calories at each meal and it doesn't need to be a bar it can be a hand full of veggies, a boiled egg, or a bowl of soup.  My substantial meal needs to not be over 600 calories.  Eat Slow.
8. HCG; 500 calories a day and drops of something that helps you not be hungry is wrong! But a great jump start to clean you out and get you started. But it's not over and it's not long lasting it's only a jump start - ask yourself whats next before even starting.
9. Solutions4; I learned so much, I will be continually learning from this program.  It's the applying I'm having a hard time with because it's such a lifestyle change.  I grew up on red meat and potatoes, milkshakes and cheese crisps!  Herbs are good for you (also super expensive), and come in all sorts of grades. Again no white flour or sugar, use Brown Rice - watch the carbs, fruit grows the candida. A Partner helps a GREAT deal - Richard did this one with me.  Must plan ahead and be prepared with your mind made up about choices, again keep a journal, budget money, calories, carbs and exercise is a must.  It's a mind thing, your mind has to be in it.  This program used We both lost 50ish pounds on this journey over the 5 months - 84 day set up for change in lifestyle program.  We also went down 3 sizes in clothes.  Also, again, SUPER EXPENSIVE.  When Stress happens or Vacations occurs don't say "it's ok to eat what I want for now".  If you have a office worker or family or friend making the effort to change behavior be a helper, a good healthy supporter not that person your mom never wanted you to hang out with. Don't be a tease, a tempter, a bully! Be positive, cheerful, uplifting.   Remember in the end though ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOU, sometimes you are all you've got.  Prepare yourself for battle everyday, Be prepared with the choice made ahead of time.  Even it's only I can do this 21 days 21 days at a time -ONE Day at a Time. Decide this - I will apply knowledge.  Experience is Knowledge. Wisdom is Knowledge rightly applied. 
10. The Cleansing Detox; I have felt toxic at times that is for sure.  I don't think it hurts to do some sort of detox twice a year maybe even quarterly.  Why not do a 24 hour fast Once a Month!
11. Isagenix so far I have not learned anything.  I have been buying the vitamins and "food" for a year now. I just can't committ I guess to  never eating real food again. The vitamins do seem to be a value and the protein shake is the best one I've tried. What do I need to motivate me to really DO this???

So for the first set of 21 days I  set the goal to exercise and keep a record/journaling.  I DID IT! I used the term the "4C's" -Carbs, calories, calisthenics,Cash. Over the years I am learning all of these things need to be budgeted for and reported on establishing accountability and trust.  For me it has to be done DAILY.  The next 21 days I will eat small meals every 3 hours - *5 and 1 - (as explained in number 7 previously) with continued calisthenics (the habit already established now) and adding get Up and Read!  When Amric left on his mission I wanted to sacrifice something too, as he was (is) my choice was to **keep the missionary hours (WOW I suck at this one) and not adding any "new" TV ! With all the changes in the last 6 months I am not teaching any more so I'm **not studying, I still read daily, but I'm not studying, the goal to make the habit "get Up and Read" will help with **both these issues!  My 21 day habit will then be choosing because I "thirst and hunger" (get it? it's about food) after good better best choices for myself, and not just because tomorrow I have to teach.  I want to Choose to be committed not be compelled to. It's just not in my nature, when compelled I will always make the wrong unhealthy choice.  With the help of my Heavenly Father I will be WISE!

note; 

• I didn't plan for this to be so long. I talk way more than needed to get my point across but you know that by now!
• I still don't know how to link this post with another post in this blog... so I'm using the labels to do that for pictures and posts about eating habits diet (see labels posted at bottom of this blog) soooo.... as they say -"use your words" in the "Labels" gadget also on the side tabs in the web version of this blog

Plow in Hope and Keep moving Forward...

And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.  

Luke 9:62

Last Saturday evening I had a great experience reading the scriptures.  I was praying and pondering, meditating about life and a few questions I had.  I felt lead to read Chapter 9 in Luke in the New Testament.   As I read, I wondered what is it that I am suppose to be learning here?  Vereses 37-62 seemed to be my focus.  I read them several times.  Then my eye caught it vs 62; "no man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of heaven."  A few weeks ago someone said to me "I don't look back".  That kinda hit me for some reason.  There are always things to look back on,I thought. But what I've discovered for myself this week is I have been, for the last several months driving forward while looking in the rear view mirror.  

Thus I have made some changes, extreme some may say but I am having hope in the future and digging in with my Plow.  This I am sure will give me more and strengthen the faith I already do have, especially in reading the scriptures, patience and Hope. The Lord's timeing is definitely not always, rarely ever my timing.  But in the last year, I have learned about timing and the importance of handing it over, in Faith, after all that I can do to Him.  Thy will be done.
My theme or motto for myself this year is "Exert yourself, Be Considerate!".  As I read, prayed and pondered over these scriptures Saturday night I thought; to "put your hand to the Plow" is an action it is actually work, it is exerting yourself!!  In my mind I see that if you aren't focused the furrows will be rough and crooked allowing weeds and pour nourishment to flow.  But on the other hand to really drive forward, hold my hand to the plow exert myself I would come clean and have nourished, straight, beautiful furrows and a harvest worth the reward.
In my opinion we should look back to Remember the learning pattern so not to repeat the same mistake.  As the saying goes "We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience."  While treating ourselves poorly, staying down, not getting back up we are not reflecting the character of Christ.  Surround yourself with positive people you trust who want to exert and dig in with you.   Set goals, go back to the "primary answers" Say your prayers (get on your knees in helps in that whole humility thing!), and read your scriptures asking questions and for direction.  
I promise the light will come.  
I felt prompted to do something that scared me after this experience so I ask Richard to give me a Blessing.  This week I've got my hand to the plow, I'm fully engaged - out with the "old me" and in with the new!  No more Depression (cold turkey), I am eating healthy (14 days no Black Soda!), I am cleansing my inner self (fasting), and I plan to go outside my house (be patient with me God!) outside scares me!  Confidence in yourself is sometimes very hard to grasp, I believe with God's help we can forgive ourselves, others and put our hands to the plow and exert ourselves with full confidence   RIght now for me, that might just be a seed of belief, it's a process and writing this is part of that process. In the verses pervious to 62 the man makes excuses for NOT digging right in, I pray to not make excuses for myself not let the bumpy terrain throw me off course, but if it does - to grab the reins and the plow and dig in again, not looking back and falling into darkness but instead, moving forward.  I hope you will too.

For our sakes, no doubt, this is written that he that ploweth should plow in hope; and that he that thresheth in hope should be partaker of His hope. 
 1 Cor. 9:10

2 D's = The Drug! for The Depression!

Preface... ten / eleven / twelve!
Atypical despression click!- well it's the web's definition but pretty accurate in my case.  The following is a daily (daily for me!) journal of my first 30 days back from the lowest heaviest point I guess in the last 36 years.   I'm pretty sure I have layered myself into this - it wasn't one thing it was the deaths of my dad, my nephew, all of my siblings, the ups and downs of married life, the ups and downs of the scale! (which I now know are because that is how I deal with loss), and lets not forget the moves we've moved more times than I care to mention and one last week my husband suggested it may happen again and I totally felt myself falling literally falling wanting to get away from reality.  In this moment I understood, I knew, I realized why I never leave the house, why I don't make friends or commitments anymore.  Loss hurts and sucks and hurts again over and over it's always in your mind, your heart the moments of your everyday life.  I'm struggling to learn to accept it - that loss happens and not loose myself in those losses.

It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” 
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

I'm grateful for all those experiences I have had in life and as my Grandpa Lyman would say "It's Joyful to the purpose" but only if you don't let yourself get lost in the darkness.  It's not much my simple journal but I hope it might help someone else recognize release and relive again a life of light.

Yesterday Sept. 10 I began a regimen of Wellbutrin  for a doctor diagnosed problem of ATypical Depression.  I will begin a journalling process as counseled by my daughter Apryl.

DAY ONE

Sept 10... in realizing that I have to support Ayris no matter what she chooses about Tyler I had a little panic attack and decided to indeed take the pills prescribed to me.   in the afternoon without food just desperate  No energy, Cry at the drop of anyones name or the drop of a hat!, weight gain of 30+ pounds in one year, no desire to eat in accordance to my Medifast or "Take Shape for Life" program started in Feb of 2010.  I lost 57 pounds in 9 months.   I was feeling pretty good at the Blessing of Porter McCoy Noyes!  Life was pretty good in fact.  But since July of 2011 I have started on a down hill rollercoaster ride that I really saw happening but thought I was controlling.  Then August 2012 happened! Ayris and Tyler Split up and Apryl and her family moved to Vermont - I am crashing today and willing to ask for help.

DAY TWO
Sept 11 ... I actually answered my phone and talked to apryl today.  She laughed at me that I am depressed saying it can't be what is causing my headache s and said me and Ayris would end up in a bouncy room together :( maybe I wont answer my phone next time.  The point of this entry is - I answered the phone.

Anyway... Took my pill in the morning.  I even left the house (no answering the phone and leaving the house big deals in themselves both in one day - there is hope!) went to get amrics doctor papers signed and then to lunch at his work, he made me the best chocolate shake and I ate a whole (almost)
order of nachos!  Yummy!!!!

I couldn't go to sleep in the night and I didn't take any pills with caffeine or have a soda after three.


DAY THREE

I woke up at five 3 hours of sleep I took my thyroid and went back to bed.  Good sleep but tv style dreams, about Ayris Tyler and other boys.  He was "claiming" her as he realized others wanted her it was weird.  I get my best sleep from 5 - 7.

I woke up with a headache. It's 2:00 I've taken My depression pill, Tylenol , a fake excedrin and had 2 sodas, it's starting to subside.  Energy low because of headache.  Soda doesn't get me going any more!

today when I ate I just sat down and fell asleep... so this day not such a good day.


DAY FOUR
sick to my stomach
looks like rash on my right side
no doctor - I'm fine

DAY FIVE
today was weepy
I just want to cry all the day long
I want to DO something, but I can't figure out how.  I ask the boys. Nobody moves so instead of just doing it myself I sit.  It's awful.  I don't want to do anything.  I need to loose weight. I want to eat my food but I have to feed them and I dont have to the balls to do it, if Im cooking for people.  Need to call make an appt with doctor for therapy need to find motivation to start knew habits.
Got to talk to Austin tonight, that was wonderful. I love Austin.

DAY SIX
Today was pretty good.
didn't eat well, I started out wanting to at least.  I ate Oatmeal - but really I have to not eat at all or I just eat what I want.  MUST RETURN TO TSFL.
Did my chores didn't lay around, sleep or just be limp all day...but tonight I am tired.


DAY NINE
Tonight Richard and I went to the Temple, while driving there he asked me if I knew how long it would take for the meds to start working, If I am having side effects and if I thought I felt better.  Nice of him I thought to take an interest, to even remember that I told him about this project to "break the cycle and get out of this slump" I am in.   Anyway in doing so it reminded me that I hadn't written here for a few days so in looking back.  I do feel better.  Richard said that he noticed a more upbeat in me.  I have not been laying in bed all morning not wanting or even having the desire to get up.  I have done chores, more than just what "needed" to get done to "get by".  I am writing and studying a little each day.  I made some goals and I am working at them.  Also note that today I did 100% on TSFL eating habit and took no pain pills of any kind.

DAY TEN
I feel kinda sick to my stomach, but I have started my TSFL regimen again and I think it's an empty stomach that is making me feel nauseous so I'll keep my watch out on this.  I weigh too much, proving that since girls camp 2011 I've gained 40 pounds (that is in one year)!  I am striving to move more and eat less, this has to stop somewhere.  stay tuned.  Internet search shows that this is kinda a dangerous choice to take this drug, thus i'm aware, nervous and scared but determined to not be depressed any longer.  I have let myself progressively become more and more depressed since Judyann died then all the others and then this whole Tyler thing (see blog My Perspective not posted yet.). I also believe that I can not get over 11 years of depression by myself, I need prayers along with probably more than the meds.  Last night I slept awful, my lower back hurts on the inside while sleeping I thought it was my hip but this morning in feeling where it hurts it seems more like inside my lower back on the left between the middle of my back and side???? idk ill watch this took to fake excedrins!

Tonight I'm not tired and its 10:30.  But my eyes feel like they are blinking alot and I am seeing flashes of light on my right side of my right eye.  wish me luck!
Pray all the time be thankful ask what to pray for and who to pray about ... answers are there God hears you.

DAY11 Sept 20
I'm saying day whatever til 21 and then just the date!  We went to clean the Temple tonight, it always makes me think how much I need to clean the house better at home!!!  Anyway I took 1 Walmart excedrin tonight at 8:30 seems like my joints hurt (my hip and shoulder joints), not my head so much tonight - so that is good.  I ate pretty well but I did eat 2 lean and green meals vs one.

DAY 12 Sept 21  this day was a bust.  But I don't believe I'm depressed...just life didn't work well today Amric and Dad at odds.
Day 13 Sep 22 Today was better.  Lots of stuff done around here all 3 of us are moving.
DAY 14 Sept 23  One Soda. Ate perfect except a hand full of licorice.  Doing well, not crying. Lost 4 pounds.

DAY 15 Sept 24 - Oct 1 I was in Utah distracted with My daughter and grandkids!!!  But to check in only one day did I just feel low down and cry at the mention of nothing I would just cry.  Ridiculous.
doubt is darkness, I hate darkness and when I allow it into my life.  Believe in and seek after Light.  I am of worth I can be a helper.    I seek to choose the right in my life.  Interesting new thought The Holy Ghost warns us we are going down we need to be in tune to listen, hear it and understand.

DAY 27 Oct 6  - I'm gaining weight and eating crazy again.  But I have been controlling  my caffeine intact (although some days better than others)  but im not drinking 6 cans trying to get a pick me up buzz like I was, that is for sure.  I do note that not writing - I loose my focus and just do nothing.  Writing for me is a good thing.  I need to write letters.  But i won't so I'll keep blogging!!!  I have not gone to any therapy the Doctor suggested that too, but I have not engaged.  It's seems like a trend.

Oct 7 - Today Sunday Conference Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  OH MY GOSH. what great meetings
Oct 8 - Getting organized around the house!!  Family coming to visit so I need to get going.  Family picture on the calendar so need to loose this stupid depressed imploded weight.

Oct 9 - Ok today I'm working. I'm getting by on less sleep and I want to get out of bed.  Talked to Apryl today without falling completely apart when I hung up.  "HUNG UP" one of those terms that the kids today don't even know why we say "hung up"!  But then it's one of my hang ups!!!! Apryl being gone and talking on the phone!!!  I miss her.  I am just so grateful she got to bring her family and live by us for a year.

Trials tests ... whatever I am a survivor ... I cannot save others only me.  But i hope to be physically mentally and emotially fit to save myself and help others along the way.

Oct 10 - Today I started my second bottle of pills.  No weight loss.  I haven't started walking either. I want too.... I WILL I WILL I WILL!  Called in a order of TSFL to come next week so I can start my new lifestyle of eating all over again!  The fat pants that "hung" on me are having a hard time buttoning this morning.  Watched a new show on tv tonight "GO ON"  I diffently have a case of grief eating!!!


Oct 11 -   So im feeling better.  I am working around the house again.  I want to get out of bed.  I'm sad about a few things that have happened, Apryl moving away and Tyler not being part of the family anymore.  But I'm not so depressed about it that I can't function. My headaches are not as intense, gonna have headaches thats hereditary its not all depression.   I'm saying my prayers.  I'm praying for ayris, tyler, me everyone I can think of that might be affected by loss.

"Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God; it occasionally covers us. God is never hidden,yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done” (Matthew 6:10), create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time". Eyring.

I am feeling that time is short and I have no time to waste on depression, no matter who comes in and out of my life or how fat I am!!! I plan to, I WILL get up every morning and move and work and smile.

I've learned thru this little experiment that there is a difference between depression and sadness and maybe sometimes you have to ask for help.  Hopefully I will continue to improve and wont have to take pills for long...  I've also learned that people that leave, some of them choose to and some don't,  -- the only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it.


Today is Mar 12th it's not working ... I cry on a whim or no whim - I still cry, aGain.  I weigh as much as I did in 2009 aGain. I can't sleep.  I have a headache everyday.  My legs are shakin'. I want to puke when I wake up.  I am not laying in bed, like in the beginning 6 months ago, so that is good. But I need to DO something. Tonight I am going to a meeting to learn to eat right, wish me luck!!!

Decide your PASSION

So today I am having a passion for FOOTBALL ya baby I am in Football mode!  

really, you ask kelly??? 

calm down...I'm not, but for some reason their is surely something cool, bonding and alluring about a football game, something that gives a person PASSION!!!  I love a football movie, and the I love it when people come home to watch games here with Richie.  But what I want to Post about today is... PASSION and not my passion for football.

What gives you PASSION?
and I don't mean in your pants?!!!!!

Amric and I are in a different chapter of our lives, summer is over and school is back in session and neither of us have anyone in school (at least living here at home) so it has confused us - what are we suppose to be doing? what is or should be the knew routine? what happened to our plan to be healthy? what happened to our goals to study together? We are free!!! Free to stay up late, to sleep in to eat what we want to exercise or NOT!  Thus I find that with this free agency we have found no PASSION!  I listen to people say when they were 10 they knew they wanted to make movie, when they were 15 they wanted to go into space,  that forever they wanted to be on American Idol, Big Brother or Survivor.  I heard this story just this morning one day when this father came home he put a Stanford hat on his sons head and said "someday you are going to Sanford" and he is!
     I myself had the goal for as long as I can remember to be Married and stay married and live in the same house together, never moving.  I wanted to teach dance and have my own studio.  I wanted to lead youth groups and have foster kids that loved our family and returned often to share the love! I wasn't raised to go to college, school definitely not a passion.  But a PASSION, a real beat all, fight for everything never give up passion - what is that and what is mine???  The dictionary describes passion as (besides the sexual and lust aspects) strong emotion and enthusiasm.
     I can say that my passion (looking at it this way) is to keep my family together for eternity to make connections with lost family and to have a HOME where they all feel comfortable to come visit. Is that bad, if that's my passion, seems so non publishable!  Even now, with my adult children and my "happy at his job husband" is it still a passion if so what can I do to feel passionate about it?   I DO have goals to do to make this Passion happen but lately I haven't looked at the big picture.

 I have taught my kids a couple of quotes in my attempt to accomplish this PASSION they are;

• "the Chief cause of failure and unhappiness is giving up what you want most for what you want right now"
• "remember who you are"
• "Save a girl save a generation"  along with
•  "Don't YOU be the Weak LiNk". 

I can honestly say that except for "Remember who you are" these quotes were made after my Mother raised me, but without her and her Passion for me to not fail to bring the family together these quotes would not have touched my spirit and kept the PASSION alive.

anyway... to keep on keepin on I need to set some goals, I read a quote yesterday that inspired me to recognize this "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures" which lead me to this post today!  I am reminded I can't just let myself fall into a habit everyday I need passionate goals to decide my future to not be the weak leak and to have a HOME where anybody can, will or even wants to come visit.  So to reevaluate and find my passion...

1. I want to tell my stories.  (the problem is I don't want to proofread or use correct gramar!)
2. Study gain more knowledge  - (BYU free online classes) 
3. spiritually strengthened - Study Seminary stuff daily  (apply to teach EFY)
4. BE Healthy - back to TSFL.  goal loose 60 pounds.  remember I lost 57 and now have gained back well a few!!! 30ish! lets just say im back in my fat pants!!!
5. MOVE - 30 min to 1 hour a day.  (Maybe walk outside?)  really go outside - scary!!!what's happened to me?  I used to be a hiker, a campfire girl I wanted to be outside???
6. Know the current events -read the paper know what is going outside and be able to talk about it.
7. limit my social media!!! ;(             (I kinda have a passion for facebook!)
8. genealogy names - new names I need to find more people connect more dots (I'll take my passion for facebook and turn it to Ancestry.com)
9. I need to find passion in everyday things - (I will "deep Clean" One room everyday!)
10.  I want to have a community organizer passion, gardening passion and a square dancing passion! I'll work on goals to get there next!!!

I notice as I set and reset goals here some of them are I want to, some are I will and some just this is the goal.  Guess I have work to do - wish me luck!  I'll check back with myself here!
So what's your passion? how did you know it? and what have you done to achieve it?

wholly whollly smokes it's SEPTEMBER!

Remember how I am learning and applying wisdom this year from old journals about my last 30 years? (I want to put lots of explanation marks here but I'm hearing Anona say - people over use the explanation mark!!!!) oh and is it a mark or a point?  I don't know but I love them ... so Anona dang it I may tend to continue to OVERUSE THE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  anyway that is all beside the point - hahaha get it point!!!  again I regress.  My question is where the heck have I been since April 1st?  so just to catch up with this year and then to go off on my learning and applying wisdom journal exploring escapdes let's see....  WOW as the song says "I've been everywhere man!".

from my very nearly empty paper journals I see that at the end of March I was accounting for all my wonderful weight loss but noticing that I wasn't sticking to it and could see that I needed to start over so put all the measurements and stick figures and weight scale pictures into place to restart my weight loss program and loose again the weight that I had been slowing putting back on since October.  Can I just brag for a sec that I'd lost 53 pounds and inches - that's weird too isn't it!  Well since that wonderful day I have gained the inches and 20 pounds back UGH!  I blame it on change and my lack of discipline in dealing with it so new paper entry today I start over again!!! I will loose 60 pounds by camp next summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My paper journal from the past reads like this:
"Today I start again! the goal to loose 34 pounds another 53 to 46 would be a bonus!  I need to be HEALTHY, STRONG, COURAGEOUS.  Blogging has caused me to reflect, research and remind myself of TWO things; 1.  The joy of my life   2.  Weakness therein!
2nephi 3:21, 33:4 Ether 12:23,27,37 and 40 oh and Doc & Cov 135:5 reference where I am at in life right now and give me umph to keep on going  (Oh man I wonder where all that UMPH went?).

It goes on to read... Out of our books and actions we will be judged choosing for ourselves 'our mansion in Heaven'."

So in all my wisdom it seems as if I need to reapply, recommit and re something!  Cuz my excuses that I think I have - WHICH ARE MANY, don't seem like they will fly!  Just to make myself feel better I'd like to name a few of them... Ayris left for school, Went on a little excision of Rugby games from Kansas to Colorado, Some of the Family went on a trip to New York (I will surely write about it!), Tyler came home (To his Home in Washington), I went to Las Vegas to baby grand sit while Apryl and Sean went to England, I went to Washington with Ayris, I went to Girls camp and scam home swearing never again - I'm so glad that part of my life is over! and then I was really thrown for a loop when called to be the New Stake Camp director for 2012. A different some of the family went to Wisconsin/Minnesota for a Sobczak family reunion (I will write about that later! Can you say Mice in the walls and Bats in the Bedrooms?).  Amric is a senior. Apryl and her little family Moved to Gretna Nebraska.  Oh I know its the fault of switching up our computer system and I don't even know how to run anything now - knowing that was happening just made me stop blogging!!!!!  see I have tons of excuses and none of it works and I do HAVE MANY but they sound empty and I don't look blameless.  WRITE EVERYDAY!

Ok it's time to get going again.... Computers, vacation, disappointments, ayris moving away, apryl moving to nebraska, Tylergeorg going home from his mission and setbacks part of life but for me this time a distraction of 5 months and a weight return of 30 pounds, but I think today I let it all go and I am ready to start again to blog, exercise eat "my food" (TSFL) and well,  Go and Do and talk about it!!! Wish me luck!!!

Pocorn and Soda the small things that bring me down! Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. Alma 37:6

let's talk about food!!!
So well you  know me it's Feb 10th! I'm still striving to eat right (right for me)!!!  Why is it that when I tell myself that I cannot eat popcorn, I find myself binging on popcorn like I am afraid I will NEVER EVER be allowed to eat popcorn again!!!???? and why is it when I tell someone that I believe in something or that I tried something good and it worked, the next hour minute or day I will for sure be tested to see if I really do believe that?  For instance... When I say a prayer to eat right before my day starts..it usually is a good day on that regard!  OR  when I make a commitment to write on my blog "Daily" then the computer Internet goes out and throws me off my directive!!!!  What about this; "Yes I walk and I think walking is important to my health" ...it is 30 below, I'm not walkin'!!!!  And let's not even talk about a budget for food!  Or let's.  Why is eating healthy is so darn much more expensive than eating white flour, white sugar and white pasta based foods that can come directly out of my food storage?!  How do people budget and feed their families? No wonder we all weigh too much, for to only eat protein and a green ... is just too darn costly! 

I'm winding down to ONE year here on my new eating program, and On March first I will do a full report (but shhhh don't tell anyone OR something will get in my way of making a full disclosure and helping me to know if it's actually done any good at all!!!).  I think I have for sure learned moderation in all things. Willpower is essential but prayer is a great absolute - a must FOR ME to be able to recover from any and all addiction.  I'm not sure yet of all the triggers, but I know they are there.  I am not positive of all the reasons I eat, but I know I don't just eat because I like the food for instance; I don't really like and I fully believe that diet drinks are not good for me, yet I want to drink a soda. I never drank soda as a youth, but since my sister and mother, My Aunt and my Uncle all had sugar diabetes I have switched from regualr soda to the lesser of the two evils - even though my good sense tells me somewhere deep inside to just not drink it, for the sake of health and the budget!!!

Well I guess I found one of my addictions caffeine.  But really In my mind I will never be able to truly do without caffeine...it's in too many things.  I have always had the head aches of my Father, and Excedrin is the only cure.  And I won't ever stop eating chocolate... So what is the answer - just what I ask!???!?  Moderation in all things and to never start anything that has any kind of addictive chemical in it, wait! I think I've heard that before - "Eat nutritious food, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. When you do all these things, you remain free from harmful addictions and have control over your life. You gain the blessings of a healthy body, an alert mind, and the guidance of the Holy Ghost. … Any drug, chemical, or dangerous practice that is used to produce a sensation or ‘high’ can destroy your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. These include hard drugs, prescription or over-the-counter medications that are abused, and household chemicals.  We do not want to harm our mortal bodies, for they are a gift from God, and part of our Heavenly Father’s great plan of happiness is the reuniting of our immortal bodies with our spirits." well that is just one of the many sources I found in a talk by L.Tom Perry

Anyway I did not have any intention of talking out my need for speed here and now, but since I have maybe it will motivate and help me in my effort to resist.  To recognize and admit that a stimulant is only a depressant and a trigger to crave more carbs!!!  I will eat more healthy, have willpower and discipline in my care of my body and not sit and pig out on Popcorn as I did yesterday!!!!   WISH ME LUCK!!!!!