I've never not wanted to go to Church

Knowing that I am a sinner and knowing church is for the sinner then believing it's also for the saint 

I always want to go to church, I never not wanted to go to church. Worthy to be there or not alone or with family. Since I can remember, I liked how it felt.

When we first moved from Colorado to Arizona I was a child of 3 or 4
My sister was a senior in High School and VERY upset that our parents had
taken her away from her friends, her school indeed her very Life!
She did not want to go to church.
I remember standing in that motel that Sunday looking up at her and saying
"Strangers are only friends we haven't met yet"    Now I ask myself - How on earth did I  know that at such a young age?  I believe it was a gift given to me at birth.

The Child, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, to please Mom - maybe, but it was more than that.

When I was young I went to church with my mom, my brother for awhile, but not my Dad, sister or the eldest brother.  In my world the only thing that brought my mother happiness, where I really remember seeing her glow and be at peace show happiness was going to church.  My daddy didn't go to church, he told everyone he was Mormon but he wasn't, he wasn't because he didn't want to go to church.  The sad part for me was no body knew my Dad in fact most believed I was being raised by a single mom for one reason or another.  The happy part for me was those people, those church people became my family.  They helped raise me.
Recently I realized that the act of going to church actually taught me several things.  For My Mother to whom I am so grateful  - for it is she who took me to church every Sunday.  In that ONE thing I learned the importance of so many other things; being on time, listening, to look nice "because how you dress is a reflection of how you feel about yourself", Mom taught me to "sit still and listen", she allowed no snacks (which taught me self discipline or at least the need of it!), if given an assignment to fulfill I did it - being taught "you don't say no to a calling" and "responsibility",  she insisted on no gum - she said "it looks sloppy", the reassurance of a good hand shake and a smile that "it is polite to greet people with kindness and sincerity",  the art of speaking in public, to sing, to pray and to be part of something bigger than myself.  All lessons learned because I went to church. 

The Youth, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, even just for me!

Even when I wasn't choosing to DO the things My Mother thought that I Should be doing.  Even when I wasn't doing what I thought I Should be Doing.  I always went to church.  I always Wanted to go to church.  Looking back and recognizing my issue with self discipline I'm thinking church is a place I can learn, feel, recognize to be the only place I can see that I exercised self discipline.  That at church, for how ever long it was, I engaged in self discipline in lots of different aspects.  Because my Mother taught me to go to church every Sunday.

The Young Adult

The Sinner  I always want to go to church, alone.

For about 7 years I ward hopped!  Jumping ship as soon as someone knew who I was.  I didn't want to get to close, let anyone in, be hurt, let them down, be asked to do anything.  I felt like a failure.  I wasn't living up to the high expectations I had been taught that were expectations of Mom and of myself.  The expectations I had of myself, not even just the ones I knew that My Mother had of me. But I in fact still ... always wanted to go to church.  And I went.  I followed my sister to Rocky Point where she almost one handedly started her own ward up and we went to church! I jumped from ward to ward in Provo, California and Mesa. Being a single young adult and going to church!

The Young Married

The Sinner and striving saint!  I always want to go to church, with my family.

I married a man who loved me.  A man who accepted me for me, who knew and loved everything about me.  I have learned over the years, especially in the last few years you can't do any better than that.  In the beginning I tried to push him away.  He didn't go to church, he smoked and drank - I didn't and remember... I always wanted to go to church.  He went with me to church and has continued to do so for, well coming up on 34 years (2014)!  I will forever be in debt to a woman who knew what I needed and didn't follow the spirit by the book but drew outside of the lines and gave me a job in the church that kept me, reminded me of my covenants and goals and the need of going to church.  Being young married with kids and jobs and responsibilities is hard, tiresome and tricky to balance.  Going to church when you don't want to remember all the things you both teach and learn with the choice of going and of not going!  It's not only about you at this point!!!!

The Mom in the nursery, the primary, Mutual, Scouts, Sunday School, or Sacrament Mtg.

I always wanted to go to church with my family.  I taught my children the same things taught to me by my mother while doing the ONE thing ... going to church!  Sit still, be on time, wear a white shirt or a nice dress, don't run in the chapel, don't whisper while others are speaking, use your "church voice" and on and on you get my drift!  I hope and pray they always want to go to church. I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ. I know that going to church and to the Temple are uplifting, The commandments and as I have stated teach more than just the act of going to church.  I believe in families being forever. I know that Joseph Smith went to a grove away from the busy hub-bub of the world he lived in to find a quiet place and pray and ask, (because he consistently read in his scriptures and in them was directed to ask questions) his Heavenly Father what church he should go to.  I have a knowledge of the atonement and have felt the burden of sin be lifted from me.  I know the Book of Mormon is truly a witness of family, a history of peoples in the new world and Jesus Christ.  I have lost every member of my immediate family and could not have gotten thru any of that with out the knowledge of the plan of salvation.

The Wife, the semi empty nester. I don't want to go to church.

We have moved again, for maybe the 40th time in our marriage.  I have two bedrooms in this house set up to "look" as if I still have children at home.  But I don't.  I am busy organizing, doing family histories, writing missionaries, and ... well thats about it.  We go to church, we don't know anyone, only one person has spoken to me in 4 months (2014).  I swore this time, this move I would act more aggressive be more "in your face" and "I want to know you and fit in".  But I haven't.  It's even harder to do without kids and without seminary.  Richard has gone with me to Sunday School, but he too has not had one person talk to him.  They gave us a calling in the ward, that of being a missionary - which I think I said I would do, maybe even covenanted that I'd do when I got baptized back when I was 8 years old! I ask myself; "Aren't you (when I say you I mean I) already a missionary if you are a family member, friend, home teacher, visiting teacher???"  I have talked to people about my religion. It is especially easier when my sons were on their missions in Spain, Ohio and California.   I have taught classes and worked hard at being a "missionary" in all my days, thinking; "I hope one thing I say might convert one".  But this calling, working with my husband, as missionaries it's not going so good and we find ourselves not wanting to go to church.  My heart is heavy and sad and I'm not sure where to go next with this one.  I feel failure and heaviness so much in my life already, I'm not sure I need this to add to that very long list. I am lost.  Because I don't want to go to church.

The Adult, The senior citizen, the wife, the mom, the grandmother. I want to go to church

I was asked a question today about going to church and it prompted me to look for this old blog post.  In rereading it I am so grateful that I wrote it and yet again it is confirmed to me that writing is a blessing, a gift and completely necessary for my survival.  You'll be surprised to learn that we have moved twice since I originally wrote this and thus attended church in a couple new places.  An update on the missionary calling - I did all that I could do in the which I could control, without him because he just wasn't into it at that point in his life. Also I read a book front to back which I hadn't done in years; The Power of Everyday Missionaries, a reminder that we really need to endeavour daily to be positive happy people projecting to others what we positively believe in and know to be true.  From then on I've been ask to be a "grandma at church" and teach little children, it's had its ups and downs, my issues with attachment and anxiety being the draw backs here!  Because I never had the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents or cousins to bond with I recognize and appreciate the need for the church family.  The thing I've learned is to forget myself and go to work (I think I've heard that before!?) When I sit home and mope about being fat or missing the "good ole days" with my seminary kids, being sad cuz my childhood family is dead or wishing my kids live closer and that they all wanted to go to church (sidenote; that is when my mom would shut down and be depressed - those days when she blamed herself for the lack of church in the lives of her children, thats when the light left her), well that too is when I am thinking only of myself, it does me NO GOOD. But when I serve, study, endeavour to be something positive, remember that I can only control myself and and remember the things I learned becasue I never didn't want to go to church, thats when life is better for me.  I am so glad that I, only for a twinkling of an eye didn't want to go to church and hope and pray that I, moving forward, sinner or saint status ALWAYS WANT TO GO TO CHURCH as my Mother taught me for this is MY CHOICE!!!
 You hear me make it your one thing Believe in going to church every sunday!!! Wherever you are Sinner and Saint! #gotochurch #sinnerandsaint #familyfirst #forgetyourselfandgotowork #rememberwhoyouare  Also ONE MORE THING!  look around you when you get there ask yourself "Who looks like they don't want to be there" and go say "HI!" #speakup #bekind #gotochurch  

Search diligently, Pray Always and Love Unconditionally

Elder Sobczak

This is my son - Amric!  He is presently serving a mission in California.

You might (if you know me at all, recall that I mentioned a few times that I was and am missing Amric and that for my Birthday My sweet husband, Richard gave me a cardboard rendition of him, we call him "flat Amric"

"Flat Amric" and Richard summer 2013

It was a wonderful "bittersweet" kind of gift - it made me laugh and cry at the same time!

We haul him around the house, talk to him in his room bring him out to watch TV with us, I even took him to Relief Society with me once!  

"Flat Amric" hanging out by the clock!

Often you could find him just hanging out by the clock or looking out the window at the lake, he loved the lake, the beach and just being outside!

Loading up in Nebraska

Then one day we got a new job, packed up our things and moved away from our house on the lake.  In an effort to be sure that "flat Amric didn't get lost ... (mostly i was worried about him being bent) I secured a spot for him in with the Pictures that were to be packed the day the movers came over.  So I didn't see "Flat Amric" for a few weeks.  

When we unloaded in our new house I sat picture boxes in the corner - safe and sound thinking I'd get him out when the house was all sat up again protecting him, keeping him safe and sound.  I sorted and trashed, I gave away and set up. 

 Moving is a crazy crazy process.

Unloading in Washington

Well This week I felt unpacked enough that it would be safe to bring him out.  Unpacked one box and then another... he was no where to be found.  So I went to his room I unpacked everything - he was not there. I went to the garage I franticly unpacked the rest of the boxes in the garage - no Amric.  I felt the complete since of bad parenting, not doing it right, leaving him somewhere and not following up on him, what was I going to do, where is Amric??!!??  I prayed "Heavenly Father help me know where to look" -  Ok I know you think I'm nutty here but think of all the analogies! I did.  Where are our kids? How much attention do we pay to what they are doing, who they are with? what they are watching? if they are warm or too cold? fed or even if their homework is done - I don't know being a parent is HARD WORK!!!  Do we keep them so protected that they can't survive in the world? do we not pay enough attention thinking of our own selves first?  Oh I could go on and on asking myself these questions and more concerning  all the kids I've taught or the grandkids the nieces and nephews...over the years and the individual names I pray for? I could name them here too along with all my worries and stewardship  - But I won't - different story, different day!

 This is me and my story today ... I just never gave up.  I have diligently, really searched and prayed for about a week now for "flat Amric" and for myself and how to find him.  Then this morning at 3 AM out of a sound sleep I was awaken by the words "you never even opened the glass table top box,  you just gave it away".  I sat up with a start! I had sent a 36" square glass table top marked glass table top, the box about 3" deep to the DI truck - reason -because I've been "cleaning house", - getting rid of things...things that we haven't used or have dragged around from move to move - I thought, at the time, I knew what it was and I didn't even open it, sending it away!  I was as they say "judging a book by its cover!"

I couldn't go back to sleep. When Richard awoke and the thought had not gone away for hours  I mentioned the words to him that I'd heard and we said together "we have to go find him".

Bless his heart he went with me to the donation trailer and we dug for an hour under what other people had placed inside searching diligently to find that box that I had discarded without even opening it up. Oh and a side note ... People throw stuff away that isn't useable don't donate gross shower curtains, worn out mattresses, broken lamps and pieces of glass - take your crap to the dump, I digress :)  I should have taken pictures but we were searching in the rain and the cold! Also noted here was a new found confidence in my husband realizing how much he both loved and trusted me, to go and actually help me search.

YES! yes he was there!  wrapped up tightly, safely and unharmed with the glass table top!  OHHH Amric. I hope I never loose you, I pray for you out there in the world everyday for your success and safety for your health and good choices.  I hope we all pray for our kids every day - I know I do.  I know my Mother did or I'd be nuttier than I am now and you can see that is pretty nutty!!!  I know I will never give up on the ones I love, even from my perspective the ones lost and alone out in the cold.

What I have also discovered since is that during this time that "flat Amric" was lost  down south in California, Elder Amric was having some trouble he too was searching for himself, learning about who he is. It's all just a wonderful insightful lesson about stewardship, motherhood  and unconditional love. All things my mom did a great job of throughout her life with her actions teaching me.  thanks mom I miss you (was it your voice I heard?).  Miss you too Am, hang in there ;) to my kids with kids you hang in there too and Pray for them everyday of your life by name.

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness and go after that which is lost until he find it?  Luke 15:4

If thou shalt find that which thy neighbor has lost, thou shalt make diligent search till thou shalt deliver it to him again.   Doctrine and Covenants 136:26

thank you, to who ever the angel was that put those words in my head at 3am.

You might like this talk -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B6FXdACLbI

I miss my Daddy

I don't blog from post! Left from right! North from the south, east from the west??? Sync from Link!!!???
I hesitate to blog today, for my mind is reeling and anxious, frustrated and pensive.
But alas!! Maybe if I start to write I will be able to sort things out in my mind and come up with a solution.
What does one do without a "To Do List"?
It looks like I did figure out how to get my phone pics on my computer though YIPEEEE! My Pictures make me happy.  It is a happy memory I have also of my Father, maybe that is why I have kept so many scrapbooks.  He would come home for dinner on Sunday night and we would watch "Archie Bunker" and then look thru picture books together.  I loved it when he smiled and laughed, I do miss my Daddy!!!

Fathers are very important figures in a childs' life.

Odd that is where I ended up on this empty day in my life.