As I read I am getting the idea that I get "attached" to people. I don't like to think that I do really, but as I read I see that I do. I also see that I when invested and in some way fail or don't "feel" like I succeeded - I crash and I crash hard. It looks by the journal entries like I have done it often. So for the past year or so I just haven't invested, well I did in one thing and failed at that too. Do you ever feel that way? How do we move on? Not build up walls? Let people in again? Forgive others? Forgive ourselves? Let go of all the weight of maybe it's not gonna fly?
Some of my paper journals talk of fighting with my mom, my husband, my kids, of inviting into our home teenagers, children, old people, of moving and thinking "this is it I'm here to stay", of this is a really good friend oh wait not!, of letting go of people because of a move, a divorce, a death, of loosing jobs, of gaining and regaining too many pounds (that one is here a lot!), well this is an entry on May 10 1996
"Trusting my spiritual guidance. . . I can't say my prayers very well lately, intact sense we had to move this last time (and that has been 16 months ago) I haven't been able to pick myself up and go again. I watch TV a lot, in the dark after the kids go to bed just a place of peace and quiet where I can lock out all my misery and just engage in the story before me. I keep trying to figure out why, why can't I let go of it? If I felt like we were suppose to move and it didn't work out and we moved back, then why go at all? Why if I felt so strongly about something being a good choice did it turn out so crappy, so darn confusing? Everybody thinks we are idiots because we move so much and we put families out so much especially Clarks they are and were so helpful and such good friends for all they do for us. All of us can take a look at how to be a better friend from them. Anyway I guess I'm asking why is it so hard to pray again to pull myself out of this darkness.
Well this morning I have a new answer "I can't trust myself." So how can I teach or tell anyone that something is right and that we should do that when choices I feel good about turn out to look to myself and others like complete failure. Well from what I sit here and see as failure has also brought many many blessings that maybe I couldn't even see until now 16 months later.
Apryl is in a completely different group of friends (that i didn't know then and now know 15 years later is and was a wonderful blessing). We did Temple work for family because of that trial. I supported my husband, and he really is striving to do the Best thing, I learned that the house you live in isn't as important as the "home" you make. I learned that it's the small and simple things that matter. (there are lots of other blessings listed I won't bore you with them). I'm afraid to pray again for fear of having to do something Else the Lord prompts me to do that might cause for me to grow and learn and gain wisdom but also hurt and thus the wall - I don't want to play any more - and thus the darkness. I suppose I should let down this big tall wall get down on my knees thank God that I have been blessed with so much knowledge and so many blessings, both spiritually and temporally and get on with my life! Stop hiding in my house, fearful of being an untrustworthy fat leader! I do know that God lives, that Jesus Christ saved me from much pain and agony through His suffering because of that I can get on with my life and strive to be a better person, who am I to judge Him or even ask "Why me?". Instead I choose to be more grateful and less prideful."
