I've never not wanted to go to Church

Knowing that I am a sinner and knowing church is for the sinner then believing it's also for the saint 

I always want to go to church, I never not wanted to go to church. Worthy to be there or not alone or with family. Since I can remember, I liked how it felt.

When we first moved from Colorado to Arizona I was a child of 3 or 4
My sister was a senior in High School and VERY upset that our parents had
taken her away from her friends, her school indeed her very Life!
She did not want to go to church.
I remember standing in that motel that Sunday looking up at her and saying
"Strangers are only friends we haven't met yet"    Now I ask myself - How on earth did I  know that at such a young age?  I believe it was a gift given to me at birth.

The Child, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, to please Mom - maybe, but it was more than that.

When I was young I went to church with my mom, my brother for awhile, but not my Dad, sister or the eldest brother.  In my world the only thing that brought my mother happiness, where I really remember seeing her glow and be at peace show happiness was going to church.  My daddy didn't go to church, he told everyone he was Mormon but he wasn't, he wasn't because he didn't want to go to church.  The sad part for me was no body knew my Dad in fact most believed I was being raised by a single mom for one reason or another.  The happy part for me was those people, those church people became my family.  They helped raise me.
Recently I realized that the act of going to church actually taught me several things.  For My Mother to whom I am so grateful  - for it is she who took me to church every Sunday.  In that ONE thing I learned the importance of so many other things; being on time, listening, to look nice "because how you dress is a reflection of how you feel about yourself", Mom taught me to "sit still and listen", she allowed no snacks (which taught me self discipline or at least the need of it!), if given an assignment to fulfill I did it - being taught "you don't say no to a calling" and "responsibility",  she insisted on no gum - she said "it looks sloppy", the reassurance of a good hand shake and a smile that "it is polite to greet people with kindness and sincerity",  the art of speaking in public, to sing, to pray and to be part of something bigger than myself.  All lessons learned because I went to church. 

The Youth, The Daughter

I have never not wanted to go to church, even just for me!

Even when I wasn't choosing to DO the things My Mother thought that I Should be doing.  Even when I wasn't doing what I thought I Should be Doing.  I always went to church.  I always Wanted to go to church.  Looking back and recognizing my issue with self discipline I'm thinking church is a place I can learn, feel, recognize to be the only place I can see that I exercised self discipline.  That at church, for how ever long it was, I engaged in self discipline in lots of different aspects.  Because my Mother taught me to go to church every Sunday.

The Young Adult

The Sinner  I always want to go to church, alone.

For about 7 years I ward hopped!  Jumping ship as soon as someone knew who I was.  I didn't want to get to close, let anyone in, be hurt, let them down, be asked to do anything.  I felt like a failure.  I wasn't living up to the high expectations I had been taught that were expectations of Mom and of myself.  The expectations I had of myself, not even just the ones I knew that My Mother had of me. But I in fact still ... always wanted to go to church.  And I went.  I followed my sister to Rocky Point where she almost one handedly started her own ward up and we went to church! I jumped from ward to ward in Provo, California and Mesa. Being a single young adult and going to church!

The Young Married

The Sinner and striving saint!  I always want to go to church, with my family.

I married a man who loved me.  A man who accepted me for me, who knew and loved everything about me.  I have learned over the years, especially in the last few years you can't do any better than that.  In the beginning I tried to push him away.  He didn't go to church, he smoked and drank - I didn't and remember... I always wanted to go to church.  He went with me to church and has continued to do so for, well coming up on 34 years (2014)!  I will forever be in debt to a woman who knew what I needed and didn't follow the spirit by the book but drew outside of the lines and gave me a job in the church that kept me, reminded me of my covenants and goals and the need of going to church.  Being young married with kids and jobs and responsibilities is hard, tiresome and tricky to balance.  Going to church when you don't want to remember all the things you both teach and learn with the choice of going and of not going!  It's not only about you at this point!!!!

The Mom in the nursery, the primary, Mutual, Scouts, Sunday School, or Sacrament Mtg.

I always wanted to go to church with my family.  I taught my children the same things taught to me by my mother while doing the ONE thing ... going to church!  Sit still, be on time, wear a white shirt or a nice dress, don't run in the chapel, don't whisper while others are speaking, use your "church voice" and on and on you get my drift!  I hope and pray they always want to go to church. I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ. I know that going to church and to the Temple are uplifting, The commandments and as I have stated teach more than just the act of going to church.  I believe in families being forever. I know that Joseph Smith went to a grove away from the busy hub-bub of the world he lived in to find a quiet place and pray and ask, (because he consistently read in his scriptures and in them was directed to ask questions) his Heavenly Father what church he should go to.  I have a knowledge of the atonement and have felt the burden of sin be lifted from me.  I know the Book of Mormon is truly a witness of family, a history of peoples in the new world and Jesus Christ.  I have lost every member of my immediate family and could not have gotten thru any of that with out the knowledge of the plan of salvation.

The Wife, the semi empty nester. I don't want to go to church.

We have moved again, for maybe the 40th time in our marriage.  I have two bedrooms in this house set up to "look" as if I still have children at home.  But I don't.  I am busy organizing, doing family histories, writing missionaries, and ... well thats about it.  We go to church, we don't know anyone, only one person has spoken to me in 4 months (2014).  I swore this time, this move I would act more aggressive be more "in your face" and "I want to know you and fit in".  But I haven't.  It's even harder to do without kids and without seminary.  Richard has gone with me to Sunday School, but he too has not had one person talk to him.  They gave us a calling in the ward, that of being a missionary - which I think I said I would do, maybe even covenanted that I'd do when I got baptized back when I was 8 years old! I ask myself; "Aren't you (when I say you I mean I) already a missionary if you are a family member, friend, home teacher, visiting teacher???"  I have talked to people about my religion. It is especially easier when my sons were on their missions in Spain, Ohio and California.   I have taught classes and worked hard at being a "missionary" in all my days, thinking; "I hope one thing I say might convert one".  But this calling, working with my husband, as missionaries it's not going so good and we find ourselves not wanting to go to church.  My heart is heavy and sad and I'm not sure where to go next with this one.  I feel failure and heaviness so much in my life already, I'm not sure I need this to add to that very long list. I am lost.  Because I don't want to go to church.

The Adult, The senior citizen, the wife, the mom, the grandmother. I want to go to church

I was asked a question today about going to church and it prompted me to look for this old blog post.  In rereading it I am so grateful that I wrote it and yet again it is confirmed to me that writing is a blessing, a gift and completely necessary for my survival.  You'll be surprised to learn that we have moved twice since I originally wrote this and thus attended church in a couple new places.  An update on the missionary calling - I did all that I could do in the which I could control, without him because he just wasn't into it at that point in his life. Also I read a book front to back which I hadn't done in years; The Power of Everyday Missionaries, a reminder that we really need to endeavour daily to be positive happy people projecting to others what we positively believe in and know to be true.  From then on I've been ask to be a "grandma at church" and teach little children, it's had its ups and downs, my issues with attachment and anxiety being the draw backs here!  Because I never had the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents or cousins to bond with I recognize and appreciate the need for the church family.  The thing I've learned is to forget myself and go to work (I think I've heard that before!?) When I sit home and mope about being fat or missing the "good ole days" with my seminary kids, being sad cuz my childhood family is dead or wishing my kids live closer and that they all wanted to go to church (sidenote; that is when my mom would shut down and be depressed - those days when she blamed herself for the lack of church in the lives of her children, thats when the light left her), well that too is when I am thinking only of myself, it does me NO GOOD. But when I serve, study, endeavour to be something positive, remember that I can only control myself and and remember the things I learned becasue I never didn't want to go to church, thats when life is better for me.  I am so glad that I, only for a twinkling of an eye didn't want to go to church and hope and pray that I, moving forward, sinner or saint status ALWAYS WANT TO GO TO CHURCH as my Mother taught me for this is MY CHOICE!!!
 You hear me make it your one thing Believe in going to church every sunday!!! Wherever you are Sinner and Saint! #gotochurch #sinnerandsaint #familyfirst #forgetyourselfandgotowork #rememberwhoyouare  Also ONE MORE THING!  look around you when you get there ask yourself "Who looks like they don't want to be there" and go say "HI!" #speakup #bekind #gotochurch  

Characterized Media - WHO ARE YOU IN THE MEDIA?

ok I'm going to just start brain storming about this and see where I go...

My question is Why do we read or watch the stories that we do?
Some observations -

• I figured out why I always wanted to go to New York City!  Because I am That Girl!  Or anyway I wanted to be from 1966-1971!

• When I was a young married I had a woman I worked with tell me she did not let her daughter play with Barbie or watch any TV with a barbie character because "those girls" always had sex before they were married.
• When Apryl read as a child she said she did it because we moved so much that and the stories, and the people in the stories were always still there, not new,not different and didn't move away.  She liked getting "into the story" and being part of their lives.

• I have a great friend; Marion she told me once that she liked to read her "novels" because when the guy rides in on his horse and saves the day - she pictures Zane because he is her hero.
• My Daddy used to watch "All in the Family" every Sunday night, I loved to watch him laugh - I think he totally related and that is why he watched it - because part of his character was "Archie Bunker" and so he could relate!

• Back in the day when I watched "One Tree Hill" Tyler liked the girl Peyton I liked Brooke and Haley!

• The other night I was watching "Heart of Dixie" and the couple I've always rooted for turned into a familiar couple.  I guess that is what got me to thinking about this.  Are we familiar, do we know or recognize characters on the shows we watch or the stories we read - is that why we watch?  Who do we root for? Who do we hate together? Do we repeat that in our own lives?Does Apryl really just want to be Dr. WHO? No she wants to be Sydney Bristow maybe she wants Sean to be Dr Who!  Should we learn and try a different tact?  So Ayris Yes, you can root for Emily and Micah! Then last night Richard and I were watching TV and he made the comment that all "my shows" have cute boys in them - I wondered what does that mean? What do all of his shows have what are the characters he is attracted to? (Raymond, Captain Kurk, Doug Heffernan, and Sheldon Cooper) 
• What are we putting into our minds without thought.  What thoughts am I?

• Then there is me - I like TV, never really liked to read so much, I think now that is because it has always been so hard for me to concentrate. Because I like TV and I've been doing it for awhile narrowing down characters is a task sort of in my head let's see;  I loved Friday Night Lights, I wanted to look like and have the passion of Sarah Connor in Terminator (but wait thats not TV) so I will make that Nikita or more realistically cuz she's my age anyway Jo Denville!, I want to act like and have the will of Maxine Gray on Judging Amy, I really want the Sunday Family dinners on Blue Bloods, My nickname comes from "The Andy Griffith Show" I think because I wanted to be opie and have a Dad like him and my friends all called my mom Aunt B,  I always want to talk to the dead (I have so many on the other side) that I like shows like "Touch by an Angel" and "A Gifted Man", I liked the spunk of Reva on Guiding light, I can't believe how dumb  Emily is, and I loved to Hate JR Ewing.
• Ok so that's what I came up with by memory (which as everyone knows I don't have a memory!).  Then I googled top 10 shows of the 1960s, 70s and 80s to see what my foundation is of characters from ALLLLLLL the TV I've watched.  1960 I watched them all but the Patty Duke Show.  The 1970s - Yep I watched them all!  So the 80's get interesting I see that I start pulling back and not watching what everyone else is.  This is when the Detective/Mystery enters (Wiseguy and Hart to Hart), family comedies were in the home now in the 80's the comedy changes; it's no longer in the family it's in the Bar(CHEERS) and at War (MASH), the Day time Soap moves to nighttime (Dallas and Beauty & the Beast).
• The 1990s and now I have kids watching TV with me - and I'm watching WHAT????  TV changing even more Evil/Mystery enters = XFiles at the top of my list, the DaytimeSoap moves to nightime with ER a must see, Dawson in 1998 and the culture starts to change with the introduction of the comedies "Friends" and "Seinfield".
• Which brings me to the new century and what do I see?  what has happened?  "REALITY" has happened and I think it has replaced JR with the "love to Hate" relationship.  American Idol, Survivor, So You Think You Can Dance, now it's Big Brother, The Voice and Project Runway plus so many many more than I am not watching or invested in, or even heard of.  What about all the generation that is watching, they are and will be basing their foundation on this type of TV / media, what will become of them? Who are their role models or the characteristic traits that they will "want to be" or inherit without even knowing it - honey bobo?
• Now we are in yet a new decade (dang I'm getting up there in age!) who's character do I want to watch now?  Well Ziva's cool, Richard's says I'm Dani on Necessary Roughness,  
• Even before I started writing this I had come to the conclusion that I needed to really be more watchful of what I am putting in to my mind completely without thought and discern more clearly what I am watching on the TV.  We have a couple rules about TV in this house;

1. I know exactly (and have blogged about it already) the reason and time that caused us to choose to enforce the rule of no R rated movies.  Inside the house or out. Austin was 5.
2. We didn't allow MTV in the house.  I don't know how parents control that now.
3. Nowadays No rated M or pay TV channels.
4. No TV's in the bedroom or situated screens away from the doorway!!! in the house.  Only nowadays all of us can see anything anywhere, with the internet so readily available and smart phones, so now what are the rules?
5. With the invention of the DVR and since We had a TIVO in the house - no live TV.
• SO that leads me to this week before I even started writing this.  I recorded a new show that came out this week, let's just say it had to be stopped and removed from the cue.  Because of that and the experience Wednesday I think it was with that Alabama based show, I started down the cue I deleted 7 shows.  Thousands of hours of TV are stored in my brain.  What am I doing with it that I am not even aware of? 

I think my Richie is Andy Griffith, Mike Heck, Jethro Gibbs, Mike Baxter and throw in a little Mark Slade from High Chaparral (need a little cowboy in this mix) and of course Magnum PI!  Now thats a man!!!!

I had a seminary student once who was a very lean strong wrestler and he told me as I ate my nachos, that his mom taught him "You are what you eat".  Today in my analysis I guess I'm saying that especially without being taught any morals, You are what you watch.  If you are not exerting yourself in church, scriptures, prayer, service, if you are exerting yourself in media more than positive uplifting sources then what does our brain have integrated in its software, what does it have for reference in any given situation, trial, choice or consequence. I fight depression  I can't watch shows that go nowhere, that are rollercoaster story lines that have humor that isn't positive.  Otherwise I go there too and that's gotta stop.  We must not only be observers of kindness and morality but we must fight for the future and commit to FAMILY above all!!!

This isn't even where I thought I was going with this!!!! First of all I was just wondering what TV character I might be (I'm even more unclear of that now - guess I'm just me!) and what TV character Richard would be (glad I figured that out!)!  Looking at this and seeing what I watch I'd have to just say take it back a notch Kel and exert yourself in an other directions - GO ME for deleting shows from the cue!

Good Manners or Just Plain Fear

I love You Ayris Joan those eyes are a light in my life.

Today Ayris asked - Why when I go to do something - why can't I just do the minimal?  I chuckled to myself thinking Why would any of us Do the Minimal?  And yet, I think I am guilty of the minimal!  When the list goes around at church to sign up to volunteer to bring food for the dinner at the church, feed the missionaries, bring mittens for the cold kids!, or when Molli asks for help to feed the less fortunate, when your neighbor has no family around and she needs help with her children - what do we do?  Well we should exert ourselves!  I am pretty great at volunteering when it's placed in front of me with a list, infact I don't just want to bring the bring dessert for the potluck but bread or something else too!  But to be aware, look around observe and then serve - kinda awful at it, I need to do better  - I needed Mollis encouraging words "God made you to be a giver. The best way for you to be fulfilled is to get your mind off of yourself & reach out to others."

and Amric says it like this in every letter so far - "forget about yourself Turn outward like Christ would when the Natural Man would turn inward." quoting David Bednar

The thing is I am starting to recognize I could go do this or that, before I didn't even recognize what I should go do.  I have some darn FEAR of putting myself out there, interfering, being hurt, falling on the ice, being rejected! I can blame my Mom - isn't that what were suppose to do, Blame our Mothers!  She always said; "dont interrupt", "don't bug them", "knock first", Don't call them by their first names", know matter family, friend or stranger.  I think THAT MESSAGE took!   At the time I always thought it was manners I was learning, but to this day it's hard to call someone I meet, friends I make as an adult by their first name! Ridiculous!

This one is for me tonight.  I find myself boarded up, secluded from the world, safe with my walls to protect me - tonight I ask myself - Protecting myself from who or what?

I'll come back as the year goes on and report on my effort to Exert MySElf!

Which way Do You Lean???

 SO this morning I watched The Lorax.  Really it was the 3rd time I tried to watch it, sure not my fav!!!  I just want to document the ONE THING I got out of it

"Which way do trees fall?  They fall the way they lean.  Be careful which way you Lean!"

It goes to the Root of my belief system!  Tradition.

• T =  Teach with the spirit and Keep your sense of HUMOR!  about yourself and EVERYONE around You.
• R =  Reason for rules and regulation Be Obedient.
• A = Axiom; "Birds of a feather flock together"  and "REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!"
• D = Dogma; faith is not a perfect knowledge, hoped for and not seen
• I = Instill the desire to be proud of where you come from
• T = Tongue is sharper than a beating
• I = Implant roots that will grow and hold strong
• O = knOw when to share your Opinion and when not too! But hold on to the ONE thing that you believe in.
• N = Never give up ;)  on Yourself or the ones you LOVE ((or even if you don't love them))  

because ...   unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot nothing is going to get better and all your trees will fall and you will have nothing to show for your life. All your roots will be pulled from the ground and your traditions will not be re-rooted!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PF0h7oqUEQ

Exert Yourself Be Considerate! Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmus...

For each year for as long as I can remember something has touched me as a "theme" so to speak for the year - it's amazing how it turns out, what I notice, learn, see...  Last year was Perspective!  I have a whole new one now!

This year It's; Exert Yourself, Be Considerate.  Together or separate   these are words I need and have been inspired to be aware of .... so I'm sure You'll be hearing about it!  Wish me luck = and Exert Yourself Be Considerate!!!

to help me get the spirit of it this song will become part of me this year!!  besides that I have discovered talent I didn't know  :)

Snap out of it Kelly Sue.... Suck it up....

Live up to .....

Decades of Advise

Temporal Salvation depends on our Spiritual Salvation 

 on our Temporal Preparedness Depends on our Spiritual Preparedness

Pray to be Wise
1980's
Welfare
Work
Food Storage
One Year Supply

Sow seeds temporal and Spiritual
1990's
Wefare
Be Prepared
Get out of Debt
Do for others

Be prepared yourself to better help those in need
2000's
Welfare
Pay Tithing
Raise the Bar
Be Temple Worthy

Look Up to the Light
2010's
Welfare
Service
Family History
Go to the Temple

 And thus we see;

Let us be advised to store sufficient food to meet an emergency.

This is a particular time, when if we are not prepared even the elect would be deceived.

Let us be advised to conserve our energies and our means.  We have been taught.

Let us not be blinded by our own vanity, by our desire to be what the world is for then we can't feel the spirit.

Let us not be idle.

Let us not lean to heavily on our neighbor.

Let us work and earn our own living.

Let us be honorable

Let us be anxiously engaged in good causes.

Let us not be bitter.

Let us have Hope.

Let us not be self-centered.

Let us Be REAL brothers and sisters neighbors and family.

Let us not covet.

Let us not be deceived.

Let us make good choices.

Let us be generous in our Tithes and Offerings.

Let us be as the church is...Out of Debt.

Let us sustain the church.

Let us follow the leadership of the Church.

Let us so live that the LORD can bless us.

Let us use our wealth wisely.

Let each of us Minister with Kindness.

Let us not make those who require assistance feel like paupers.

Let us give and not constantly take.

Let us be good stewards.

Let us live as the story of the Widow's Mite.

And when the time comes for us to go hence we will find awaiting us the blessing of a loving Father who has appreciated the efforts we have put forth.

Let us use this life as an opportunity to prepare temporally, but more so Spiritually not just of our substance but for ourselves and help those in need around us.

Jesus at His Second Coming

Who DO you think you are?

what's an "ite"?
"...The downward slide of this civilization began to pick up momentum. The division of society into classes resulted in irreparable tears in the social fabric. In A.D. 231 there appeared what Mormon calls the “great division among the people” (4 Ne. 1:35). We might refer to this as the “-ite” phase of New World apostasy, with the Nephites, Jacobites, Josephites, and Zoramites, on the one hand, preserving the true worship of Christ, and, on the other hand, the Lamanites, Lemuelites, and Ishmaelites “wilfully rebelling against the gospel of Christ” (4 Ne. 1:38)".  Andrew skinner Nov. 2000

This is one of my biggest fears...division and war amongst the people that I live with, by, even around, my neighborhood, my church, family member vs family member.  An ideal of civil war freaks me out, I just don't know how people live in it, how they survive in times of war on the homefront.   Yet spiritually I send myself, my husband my kids AND now, my grandkids out into it (the world) every day - how will we survive what do we do to survive.
Maybe to begin with we could in times of civility and peace get along with each other, say hi to the neighbor, take 7Up to the sick - maybe just support one another friends and family alike.  I had an experience that has weighed heavily on my mind that I want to document and hope to look back on and learn from cuz even these many months later Im still trying to digest it.

Our family had a luncheon after a special occasion.  There was in attendance a boy, (a young man) his Mother, his step Mother, A "foster type" Mother and a "friend" type Mother.  These Women all had the best interest of this boy at heart yet none of them could communicate with each other.  Why is it?  Why Can't, even in a good situation people really drop the walls, release the reserve, genuinely be happy with each other for another person.  Must we designate ourselves as "ites", giving ourselves titles, conditions, roles to play that we indignantly think someone else can not do or live up to, thinking that we are the "Big Wheel" and that with out us this (whatever it is) cannot go on?  How sad it is that we are so prideful that we can't join in harmony for someone else without jealousy and judgement.  No hugs, no conversation, no pictures, no well wishes just contention.  How sad is that?  let me tell you SAD :(

so how to "fix it"? how to overcome such a issue as class, race, one uping ...blah blah blah  I would like to delete segregating names from my vocabulary and encourage you to do so too.  Next time you feel "better than someone else", remember the time that you didn't and don't let anyone ever feel that way in your presence, Im going to try to do the same.

Recently I heard Henry B. Eyring say; It takes a team!  "caring for those in need takes a team — a loving and unified society".

reference:
Pamela J. Reid, “No More -Ites,” New Era, Jan 2001, 42
Henry B. Eyring  Our Hearts Knit as one Oct. 2008, &
Nov. 2012 "The Caregiver

are you an advocate for the devil?

I heard the question today "Why would you want to be the devil's advocate?"
Now I've heard this in conversation before, I've probably said it myself.  But today I wondered ... why would you?  The devil wants us to be dark, fearful, question everything about ourselves and our lives around us, he wants contention, depression, darkness well I could go on.  Thus my quote on facebook today which reads; "that which does not edify is not of God".  I'm not sure about how crazy personal I want to get on this blogging thing yet, but today I guess since this is my goal to rid myself of paper and "declutter" ... well this is where I write tonight! 
I ask myself what does it mean to be edified?  To learn, to educate, to uplift are a few things that come to mind.  So as I go about my day what would I be doing to be an advocate for the devil?  My daughter and I have been tossing around the word "Television"!, (that and fast food are my down fall!!! but that is another entry for another day).   Well we have decided that if the TV show is depressing we are going to stop watching it!  Constantly filling my mind with stories of people who are devils advocates who never get their love right who kill, cheat, and steal probably shouldn't be my constant, probably don't give me edification! 

quote by Coleen Menlove

Fear can paralyze us if we allow it. Satan promotes fear that he might have power over us.

Satan also promotes darkness. In both Lehi’s and Nephi’s dreams, darkness in the form of a mist confused some and caused them to lose sight of the tree of life (see 1 Ne. 8:23; 1 Ne. 12:4). Darkness was part of the Prophet Joseph Smith’s experience in the grove just before he was instructed by God the Father and Jesus Christ (see JS—H 1:15–16). Many have allowed darkness to keep them from the love of God. Satan’s way is to confuse and discourage or, at the very least, distract us from doing what Heavenly Father would have us do.

As we replace fear with faith and then demonstrate our humility, we are blessed with a feeling of peace. Lisa said: “Peace finally came after I was sustained and set apart. I felt a little excitement, but not without caution and humility close behind. I began to gain greater insight into the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. It is a deeply felt love I have experienced.”

The Lord trusts and loves us enough to want to use us in blessing the lives of others. What a wonderful feeling of peace and joy that knowledge can bring! In Helaman we read, “Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved” (Hel. 5:47).

I can face it.  I can have peace. I am replacing fear with faith and emptiness with service!!!