To self destruct or Not to Self Destruct....

IWhat a crazy last few months.  I was home minding my own business when Richard appeared and whisked me away to a new place, a place on the skagit River in the middle of no where with no internet! and then he suggested we MOVE there!!!  WHAT? I said to myself...I am just now settled again. I am Unpacked, I thought this would be forever - right?  Not!!!

i really like this quote too

To avoid all the details of selling a home when you've already moved and in this economy lets just go... long story short ... we ended up paying people more or less to buy our home.  Thus we have NO money any more and can't afford to live in the home we live in and it's time to pack it up again.  Well I shut down, closed the books, the blogs, the letters, the walls went up and Kelly once again I went into self destruct mode.  I found this amazing definition of what I've learned thru this last few months that I've done to myself my whole life!

thanks to whoever wrote this I couldn't figure out how to describe what I do to myself now that it's out there described and all maybe I can get a better grasp of how to overcome it.

Thus I am behind on my goals, dreams and anything that I would have wanted to do since FEB.  But in all of that I have been to Vermont, Arizona and Utah.  I have built relationships with my babygrands, nephews, nieces and children ( i will hit these experiences all up in other blogs).  I have moved, yes again and this time Richie promises it's the last - and FYI; he has NEVER said that before! I am unpacked, had family here to visit and even done some yard work!  

I've set up a great place for me to write, sort through all the things that I hold on too and now need to do something with and hope to be inspired and guided both in writing and sharing why these "things of this world" matter.  When I get tired I even have a place to sleep without going back up the stairs!!!

I love living by the ocean.  I am going to need to study up on when and why the tide is sometimes out in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon.  I mean I get it, but I do want to learn more about it.  I am grateful for this season that Richie and I have to build a relationship, home and memories together, to "fall in love" all over again.  Even now I find that I'm afraid to let go to really be vulnerable.

and this quote! totally me!

When family life gets busy, burdened and chaotic I think we forget to be "in love".  I tend to self destruct in any all relationships too, even from my youth.  Not wanting to be embarrassed, hurt or left behind.  As the saying goes "everybody leaves", I am living proof of that! It's heartbreaking.  It's prideful though to be the one that makes that happen.  But what I am better able to see these days is heart break happens. Find the good in each day and keep moving.  
Even though I put up the walls, I did strive to keep moving (it helps that other people had plans and I had to go with the flow) because if they hadn't drug me along with them I would have drowned in my own mud hole of SELF DESTRUCT.  thank you to my FAMILY for loving me and not deserting me, even when I push you away, don't agree with what you are doing or how you are doing it, don't answer my phone and hide you are always here for me.  
For that I am grateful.

P.S.  Note to self....  TIMING PATIENCE PRAYER MOVING 

Proverbs 4:5 - 7 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not...Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

August.   Home.    Job.    It's time to move again.  Some things you just Feel. 

House in October sat in it for an hour placed all the furniture.  Went to look at it the next day. Sat in it.  Immediately we started to "change" things; like buy the lot across the street cut down the trees knock down walls, put up walls, reassign drainage.  But this was all good, we still WANTED this house.  We desired to be and see the lake, put the boat out next to the house or down in the water.  HOA Rules boat can't be by the house has to be in garage. This last min knowledge was news to us.  Unknowingly after a few days maybe,  but for sure weeks we seem to take note that we had forgotten all about this house in our continued search for the "one" house.

Nov. The One house is available with Lease Option. I didn't think it looked like us. But it was the One thing that fit we moved in. I unpacked and set up again, as I do, For the long haul. 

Feb found house on skagit river went to the temple fasted felt good about it. Richard really wanted it. I could see us there. It was something we would buy. I support him, but I'm not excited about it. I shut down quit doing everything at home and at church. This idea faded and the choice was forgotten.

March went to look at house listed on Samish Island. Really like the lot. House needs thousands of dollars of work.  LOVE love love the feeling of being there. Now this is where I "Feel" good about living.  Realtor took us out to see it. and introduced us to a house just down the street. This is the house. this is it. Buy it now!  It was laid out for us, it wasn't easy we had to work at it thru paperwork and time.  But we are blessed. I love it here. 

Listen to the promptings be patient and wait for the Lords Timing.  One year later and two moves down the road we are settled and ready to get back to serving and forgetting self.

Will it go 'round in circles?

Today it's been hard to move.  Last night I dreamt that I was driving backwards sometimes on the drivers side, sometimes on the passenger side.  It's amazing how that has affected me all this day.  I feel the feelings that I had reaching for the pedals for the gas and the brake.  I feel the helplessness in looking in the rearview mirror and seeing; at times darkness, then bushes or nothing, nothing at all.  I feel the air suffocating me as I looked down on this as if looking at myself driving around in the driveway backwards and to top it off even in circles. 

Dream Intrep of this...

To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life. You are experiencing obstacles toward your goals. Perhaps you do not want to see what is ahead for you or you are afraid to confront certain issues. You may be feeling apprehensive about the future. If your view is blocked or obstructed while you are driving, then it symbolizes your lacking awareness of something in your life. You are overlooking certain aspects in your life. 

Alternatively, the dream indicates dangers or problems that are not yet made known to you. If you are driving on a curvy road, then it indicates that you are having difficulties in achieving your goals and accepting the changes associated with it.

To dream that someone else is driving you represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own. If you are driving from the passenger side of a car, then it suggests that you are trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking. You are beginning to make your own decisions.

Well, so there is Hope!

or is there???

Today I Cry

Today I Cry

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy -Psalms 126:5

I do not know why

 it's unknown today why I cry

look at me - I shake, I cry.

I cry to blog and share why I cry!

I cry for friends and family

I cry because I have a headache.
I cry because I'm offended.

I cry to God because of this dark world in which we live.

I cry because I weigh too much.

I cry for protection for each of the ones I love.

I cry for my babygrands!

I cry to know and appreciate my heritage.

I cry in joy!!

I cry because I see skin that is wrinkled and old :(

I cry grateful to be alive!!

I cry to better show the love I feel for my neighbor.

I cry because I'm jaded.

I cry for that 17 year old inside me to LIVE ON!

I cry in sorrow for those I've hurt.

I cry for the pain I caused my Savior.

I cry because I've let myself get out of control.

I cry in celebration and appreciation of the rivers and the trees.

I cry for my mom.

I cry for that LIGHT that sometimes I let go of willfully and even at times unknowingly.

I cry because I let you go.

I cry because I miss my children.

I cry because I am so DANG PROUD of my kids!

I cry out in sadness being left alone here.

I cry when I find a black striped suit in the closet size 38L.

I cry because I have Not One Cousin!

I cry asking why is it that I have not one cousin and never have?

I cry because my hair is not doing what I want it too! or to? I know it's not 2!!

I cry because I miss him.

I cry for my parents and my siblings, I cry they are in a good place.

I cry in prayer for those I've lost.

I cry for those that need rescue, how do I save them?

I cry in prayer for their return.
I cry because I have offended someone, I cry for forgiveness.
I cry because I'm genuinely happy!

I cry to know family that live far away...

I cry again, asking how do I be a strong link to them from so far away?

I cry in gratitude for blessings I have.

I cry grateful to live in this beautiful place.

I cry because I see that I have so much,

 truly I am blessed and yet I still ... cry!

I do not know why

it's unknown today why I cry

look at me - on my knees, I cry.

I cry when I see this, for this is how I feel today! Thank you internet for sharing!

Plow in Hope and Keep moving Forward...

And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.  

Luke 9:62

Last Saturday evening I had a great experience reading the scriptures.  I was praying and pondering, meditating about life and a few questions I had.  I felt lead to read Chapter 9 in Luke in the New Testament.   As I read, I wondered what is it that I am suppose to be learning here?  Vereses 37-62 seemed to be my focus.  I read them several times.  Then my eye caught it vs 62; "no man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of heaven."  A few weeks ago someone said to me "I don't look back".  That kinda hit me for some reason.  There are always things to look back on,I thought. But what I've discovered for myself this week is I have been, for the last several months driving forward while looking in the rear view mirror.  

Thus I have made some changes, extreme some may say but I am having hope in the future and digging in with my Plow.  This I am sure will give me more and strengthen the faith I already do have, especially in reading the scriptures, patience and Hope. The Lord's timeing is definitely not always, rarely ever my timing.  But in the last year, I have learned about timing and the importance of handing it over, in Faith, after all that I can do to Him.  Thy will be done.
My theme or motto for myself this year is "Exert yourself, Be Considerate!".  As I read, prayed and pondered over these scriptures Saturday night I thought; to "put your hand to the Plow" is an action it is actually work, it is exerting yourself!!  In my mind I see that if you aren't focused the furrows will be rough and crooked allowing weeds and pour nourishment to flow.  But on the other hand to really drive forward, hold my hand to the plow exert myself I would come clean and have nourished, straight, beautiful furrows and a harvest worth the reward.
In my opinion we should look back to Remember the learning pattern so not to repeat the same mistake.  As the saying goes "We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience."  While treating ourselves poorly, staying down, not getting back up we are not reflecting the character of Christ.  Surround yourself with positive people you trust who want to exert and dig in with you.   Set goals, go back to the "primary answers" Say your prayers (get on your knees in helps in that whole humility thing!), and read your scriptures asking questions and for direction.  
I promise the light will come.  
I felt prompted to do something that scared me after this experience so I ask Richard to give me a Blessing.  This week I've got my hand to the plow, I'm fully engaged - out with the "old me" and in with the new!  No more Depression (cold turkey), I am eating healthy (14 days no Black Soda!), I am cleansing my inner self (fasting), and I plan to go outside my house (be patient with me God!) outside scares me!  Confidence in yourself is sometimes very hard to grasp, I believe with God's help we can forgive ourselves, others and put our hands to the plow and exert ourselves with full confidence   RIght now for me, that might just be a seed of belief, it's a process and writing this is part of that process. In the verses pervious to 62 the man makes excuses for NOT digging right in, I pray to not make excuses for myself not let the bumpy terrain throw me off course, but if it does - to grab the reins and the plow and dig in again, not looking back and falling into darkness but instead, moving forward.  I hope you will too.

For our sakes, no doubt, this is written that he that ploweth should plow in hope; and that he that thresheth in hope should be partaker of His hope. 
 1 Cor. 9:10

Characterized Media - WHO ARE YOU IN THE MEDIA?

ok I'm going to just start brain storming about this and see where I go...

My question is Why do we read or watch the stories that we do?
Some observations -

• I figured out why I always wanted to go to New York City!  Because I am That Girl!  Or anyway I wanted to be from 1966-1971!

• When I was a young married I had a woman I worked with tell me she did not let her daughter play with Barbie or watch any TV with a barbie character because "those girls" always had sex before they were married.
• When Apryl read as a child she said she did it because we moved so much that and the stories, and the people in the stories were always still there, not new,not different and didn't move away.  She liked getting "into the story" and being part of their lives.

• I have a great friend; Marion she told me once that she liked to read her "novels" because when the guy rides in on his horse and saves the day - she pictures Zane because he is her hero.
• My Daddy used to watch "All in the Family" every Sunday night, I loved to watch him laugh - I think he totally related and that is why he watched it - because part of his character was "Archie Bunker" and so he could relate!

• Back in the day when I watched "One Tree Hill" Tyler liked the girl Peyton I liked Brooke and Haley!

• The other night I was watching "Heart of Dixie" and the couple I've always rooted for turned into a familiar couple.  I guess that is what got me to thinking about this.  Are we familiar, do we know or recognize characters on the shows we watch or the stories we read - is that why we watch?  Who do we root for? Who do we hate together? Do we repeat that in our own lives?Does Apryl really just want to be Dr. WHO? No she wants to be Sydney Bristow maybe she wants Sean to be Dr Who!  Should we learn and try a different tact?  So Ayris Yes, you can root for Emily and Micah! Then last night Richard and I were watching TV and he made the comment that all "my shows" have cute boys in them - I wondered what does that mean? What do all of his shows have what are the characters he is attracted to? (Raymond, Captain Kurk, Doug Heffernan, and Sheldon Cooper) 
• What are we putting into our minds without thought.  What thoughts am I?

• Then there is me - I like TV, never really liked to read so much, I think now that is because it has always been so hard for me to concentrate. Because I like TV and I've been doing it for awhile narrowing down characters is a task sort of in my head let's see;  I loved Friday Night Lights, I wanted to look like and have the passion of Sarah Connor in Terminator (but wait thats not TV) so I will make that Nikita or more realistically cuz she's my age anyway Jo Denville!, I want to act like and have the will of Maxine Gray on Judging Amy, I really want the Sunday Family dinners on Blue Bloods, My nickname comes from "The Andy Griffith Show" I think because I wanted to be opie and have a Dad like him and my friends all called my mom Aunt B,  I always want to talk to the dead (I have so many on the other side) that I like shows like "Touch by an Angel" and "A Gifted Man", I liked the spunk of Reva on Guiding light, I can't believe how dumb  Emily is, and I loved to Hate JR Ewing.
• Ok so that's what I came up with by memory (which as everyone knows I don't have a memory!).  Then I googled top 10 shows of the 1960s, 70s and 80s to see what my foundation is of characters from ALLLLLLL the TV I've watched.  1960 I watched them all but the Patty Duke Show.  The 1970s - Yep I watched them all!  So the 80's get interesting I see that I start pulling back and not watching what everyone else is.  This is when the Detective/Mystery enters (Wiseguy and Hart to Hart), family comedies were in the home now in the 80's the comedy changes; it's no longer in the family it's in the Bar(CHEERS) and at War (MASH), the Day time Soap moves to nighttime (Dallas and Beauty & the Beast).
• The 1990s and now I have kids watching TV with me - and I'm watching WHAT????  TV changing even more Evil/Mystery enters = XFiles at the top of my list, the DaytimeSoap moves to nightime with ER a must see, Dawson in 1998 and the culture starts to change with the introduction of the comedies "Friends" and "Seinfield".
• Which brings me to the new century and what do I see?  what has happened?  "REALITY" has happened and I think it has replaced JR with the "love to Hate" relationship.  American Idol, Survivor, So You Think You Can Dance, now it's Big Brother, The Voice and Project Runway plus so many many more than I am not watching or invested in, or even heard of.  What about all the generation that is watching, they are and will be basing their foundation on this type of TV / media, what will become of them? Who are their role models or the characteristic traits that they will "want to be" or inherit without even knowing it - honey bobo?
• Now we are in yet a new decade (dang I'm getting up there in age!) who's character do I want to watch now?  Well Ziva's cool, Richard's says I'm Dani on Necessary Roughness,  
• Even before I started writing this I had come to the conclusion that I needed to really be more watchful of what I am putting in to my mind completely without thought and discern more clearly what I am watching on the TV.  We have a couple rules about TV in this house;

1. I know exactly (and have blogged about it already) the reason and time that caused us to choose to enforce the rule of no R rated movies.  Inside the house or out. Austin was 5.
2. We didn't allow MTV in the house.  I don't know how parents control that now.
3. Nowadays No rated M or pay TV channels.
4. No TV's in the bedroom or situated screens away from the doorway!!! in the house.  Only nowadays all of us can see anything anywhere, with the internet so readily available and smart phones, so now what are the rules?
5. With the invention of the DVR and since We had a TIVO in the house - no live TV.
• SO that leads me to this week before I even started writing this.  I recorded a new show that came out this week, let's just say it had to be stopped and removed from the cue.  Because of that and the experience Wednesday I think it was with that Alabama based show, I started down the cue I deleted 7 shows.  Thousands of hours of TV are stored in my brain.  What am I doing with it that I am not even aware of? 

I think my Richie is Andy Griffith, Mike Heck, Jethro Gibbs, Mike Baxter and throw in a little Mark Slade from High Chaparral (need a little cowboy in this mix) and of course Magnum PI!  Now thats a man!!!!

I had a seminary student once who was a very lean strong wrestler and he told me as I ate my nachos, that his mom taught him "You are what you eat".  Today in my analysis I guess I'm saying that especially without being taught any morals, You are what you watch.  If you are not exerting yourself in church, scriptures, prayer, service, if you are exerting yourself in media more than positive uplifting sources then what does our brain have integrated in its software, what does it have for reference in any given situation, trial, choice or consequence. I fight depression  I can't watch shows that go nowhere, that are rollercoaster story lines that have humor that isn't positive.  Otherwise I go there too and that's gotta stop.  We must not only be observers of kindness and morality but we must fight for the future and commit to FAMILY above all!!!

This isn't even where I thought I was going with this!!!! First of all I was just wondering what TV character I might be (I'm even more unclear of that now - guess I'm just me!) and what TV character Richard would be (glad I figured that out!)!  Looking at this and seeing what I watch I'd have to just say take it back a notch Kel and exert yourself in an other directions - GO ME for deleting shows from the cue!

Good Manners or Just Plain Fear

I love You Ayris Joan those eyes are a light in my life.

Today Ayris asked - Why when I go to do something - why can't I just do the minimal?  I chuckled to myself thinking Why would any of us Do the Minimal?  And yet, I think I am guilty of the minimal!  When the list goes around at church to sign up to volunteer to bring food for the dinner at the church, feed the missionaries, bring mittens for the cold kids!, or when Molli asks for help to feed the less fortunate, when your neighbor has no family around and she needs help with her children - what do we do?  Well we should exert ourselves!  I am pretty great at volunteering when it's placed in front of me with a list, infact I don't just want to bring the bring dessert for the potluck but bread or something else too!  But to be aware, look around observe and then serve - kinda awful at it, I need to do better  - I needed Mollis encouraging words "God made you to be a giver. The best way for you to be fulfilled is to get your mind off of yourself & reach out to others."

and Amric says it like this in every letter so far - "forget about yourself Turn outward like Christ would when the Natural Man would turn inward." quoting David Bednar

The thing is I am starting to recognize I could go do this or that, before I didn't even recognize what I should go do.  I have some darn FEAR of putting myself out there, interfering, being hurt, falling on the ice, being rejected! I can blame my Mom - isn't that what were suppose to do, Blame our Mothers!  She always said; "dont interrupt", "don't bug them", "knock first", Don't call them by their first names", know matter family, friend or stranger.  I think THAT MESSAGE took!   At the time I always thought it was manners I was learning, but to this day it's hard to call someone I meet, friends I make as an adult by their first name! Ridiculous!

This one is for me tonight.  I find myself boarded up, secluded from the world, safe with my walls to protect me - tonight I ask myself - Protecting myself from who or what?

I'll come back as the year goes on and report on my effort to Exert MySElf!

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 2002

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 2001

Add caption

Nanny, Ayris and Amric is Baptized Billings Montana -- Apryl playing piano.  Austin and Gramma were there too.

I am grateful for "K" - Kindness

 I am Grateful for "K"  Kindness

Kindness can't be still

like water it must be moveing

through trial and joy

Lie for me hide truth

Reality mistakes cover

Don't make me face it

Want to make them proud

mistakes, decisions, choices

A parent covers

Anxiety rules

Depression highs and lows

A spirit that can't be reached

Why do people lie

The darkness of betrayal

Please, Don't let me fall

Out of the dark

I alone harbor my fear

To let someone down

Work is my release

Atta girl is my reward

Heaven seems so far

Fear No trust at home

Enemy is at the door

Love thy enemy

Resist temptation

Does any of it matter

Where is my reward?

Worthy unworthy

Family, friends, addiction

Answer me, Free my soul

Like a stream I move

A river you are loud & bold

my choice is silence

Unconditional

Charity is the answer

Kindness over all.

ksmsthemom 2012

Tim and his Poetry

I'm laying here in bed

Wondering what's in my head

Wondering if its very dull

just laying inside of a skull

Forever being a brain

always staying out of the rain

calling this my home

surrounded by fragile bone

It's nice to have no fear

because I can't hear

Just to be

because I can't see

But I would like to feel the rain

to see a train

to hear a song

just to belong

I would like to be outside

not to have to hide

wanting to, but unable to run

but wait, here is help, here's a gun

Sitting here on my ceramic throne
there is something that I hear
almost silently there is a drone 
yes, It's the air conditioner!
In the summer and the heat
the air conditioner is so cool
but now sitting on my seat
It's winter and I feel a fool!

I 



It's very hard to sleep

When all you want to do is weep

To weep for my wife

the spice in my life

crying out for sun

when day is done

for the moon at night

when I'm filled with fright

I set with my head in my hand

dreaming of roaming the land

seeing what the wind brings

hearing how it sings

curled in a ball

asleep not at all

yes it's hard to sleep

when all you can do is weep :(

They say life is brief

All filled with grief

that is not my belief

To laugh cry or shout

To stand or jump about

To Give Grief The Rout

To let unhappiness fly

to see the blue of the sky

to let cheer and joy rise high

For love to receive

for lost time to grieve

in these I believe

They have stolen time
times that was mine
the cause was not right
not in my sight

Seven long years
years with many tears
tears shed alone
in prison my home

Rampant runs the hate
caring not for my fate
to steal their time -
is revenge a crime?







There is a softness as I listen
the ground seems to listen
as I look out the window at night
cowering behind the Glass with fright

the moon is dull and has a halo
Nothing is seen to make me mello
I can hear the wind blowing
With a sigh I realize it's only snowing!







Have a shaft or be flat
I can be long or thin
folded or switched to win
I can be curved or straight
used with Love or Hate
I can take or give life
I am a knife

Tim McCoy 1985