Self sabotage about happiness

Buying and selling a house is for some easier than for others. This time in particular we had been on a Sunday afternoon drive and we found a house and we actually talked Dad into calling a realtor to go inside and look at it (he didn't ever really let us do that much).  It was just a few short weeks later and we were packed up yet again and moving in.  Everything fit together so smoothly. Some would say - Like it was meant to be! Super stoked, felt very blessed so happy to settle in and belong somewhere.

this is me in Hawaii - "Gitty" with excitement to be there

I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed with the opportunity to go to Hawaii 2 times in my life. Once on a very fun very timely school "field trip" with my daughter and her class to sing and serve thru her choir class her senior year in high school.  I was so excited to go and spend time with her.

Recently I was able, allowed, privileged, blessed to go with my husband, son and 2 granddaughters.  Terrible picture -  I will get to this... this is me "gitty"!

Holy Holy! Super spoiled. I love my mini pool and I am in it almost daily.  Richard spent big bucks on the baby for me and I know that he did it for me.  Inside I was bursting!

These three small experiences are quick thoughts about times when I have felt Happy, excited happy like "come on down", or "Lets make a Deal" jump up and down happy.  But I cannot remember jumping up and down any of these times or for a very long time. That might be a reason people think I am not a happy person.

I started writing this around Mothers Day and so I stopped.  I don't want to be one of "those" people that blames the mom!  So where my thoughts were going seemed non appropriate for the time, let me pick up with this thought.  My Mother was a very good mom. She loved me unconditionally.

Now what I am striving to do is 

1 be happy without her and 

2 learn from how I was raised who I am.

Maybe I mean to say show happiness without her.  I love my daughters all 8 of them! just as unconditionally as I know she loved me.  But this is not about me being a mom, this is about me thinking I can show happiness without hurting or offending another person.

I'm struggling here to write what my thoughts are.  --Obviously.

One day I was communicating with one of my daughters, she suggested therapy.  Is it that obvious I ask myself? Am I unhappy? I suggested to my husband that we go to a Marriage retreat, he said absolutely not and then ask later why would I think we needed to go to that? It all got me to this place where I am still today.

My Mom.

I loved talking to her as a tween, we did everything together. She was my best friend, (well besides Urlene who was more of a sister bff type!). I watched her take me on Vacations, send me to dance, pay bills, discipline, pray all with me and only me. When I was growing up I watched this woman work - she taught me to work to like it and to expect that I'd be doing it all of my life and to find happiness in the completion of a job well done!  I watched her on occasion with my Dad mostly at the dinner table, I don't remember seeing what I would have perceived as happiness, you know joy. I watched her volunteer in many capacities before, after and during church - that is where I saw the passion, the light, the happiness and the joy.  Because my older siblings didn't really participate in the church, I watched her be sad a lot.  (Side note here, as a mom it is frustrating to think you have taught your kids something from a chore to a feeling and see them not care about it) thats what she felt.

From this 2 things happened

1. I thought I was in charge at home and in the marriage and 

2. I've thought - It's my responsibility to save the family, make mom happy and ignore me.

When I say ignore me, what I mean is and didn't realize until just last month. I didn't act happy to be "gitty" around her about stuff, anything because I didn't want her to be sad or have her fillings hurt because I was happy and she wasn't.  And Thus we see I have created a pattern of not showing, displaying even knowing how to express happiness.  If I am "gitty" someone will think I self absorbed someone will be hurt.  I am no better than anyone, I have self control.

Now what?

I felt Trapped, Urgency and Frustrated

Last night a new dream!

Creepy.  

Big Stadium, didn't see the field, just the lights and the cement - Lots and lots of people.  Bathroom scenes, public bathroom, lots of stainless steel stalls and lots of people - not describing the people or anything they were doing here!
I needed to get out of there.  

I Found a way out early so trying to get a bus or an airplane and couldn't get the places on my phone.  My phone looked like a banana too by the way!  (Whats that about?) I remember calling and listening - then nothing .


I took a train to find a plane I felt like my son was the closest to me Geographically and I could get to him the fastest so I was attempting to get to transportation.  On the move I saw lots of different kinds of people Beautiful people and run down shoeless worn coat people.  I kept trying to use my phone I couldn't get the internet to give me directions!  (my phone broke yesterday suppose I've flipped out because of that - if so, LAME!!?)

I was in a big city Trying to get to my son I just, well I needed to get to him.  I had this new phone and couldn't figure out how to get it to work.  I was calling Amric to help me figure out how to do it I called him and it was Matthew on the other end.  He was talking to me and then Olaf walked up behind me!?!?!!?  I turned to follow him and we went into a large Bus station and I lost him. Then I didn't know what bus to get on and I stood there watching as they all drove away, I missed them all.

I was alone, I never got on a bus I walked away. 
I woke up so sad.


Interpretation:
Stadium 
To see or dream that you are in a stadium represents your determination to succeed and achieve your goals. You need to be more active, aggressive, and bold.

Bathroom 
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.

Telephone 
To see or hear a telephone in your dream signifies a message from your subconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have been avoiding. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others. If there is no dial tone or the phone is left off the hook, then the dream indicates that you are shutting yourself out. You are experiencing difficulties in getting your thoughts and feelings across...the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.

Bananas 
To see bananas in your dream, may be a metaphor for repressed sexual urges and desires. 

Train 
To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing...a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner.

Bus 
To dream that you are waiting for a bus indicates a temporary setback in achieving your personal goals. If you miss the bus, then it indicates that an aspect of your life is out of control. You need to slow down and map out a new plan

31 Days of 31 Christmas' - 2011

cousins sobczak wisconsin 2011

First off!  One more entry of Austin's 8th grade writing!  I know he'll be so happy that I've included these!  -  It's how I roll!  This entry is how he pictured himself at 28 and in 2011 he turned 28!  Anona you need to note here - he went to BYUI!

Kirtland Ohio -  Me and Richie

Scranton on Anonas Birthday

Joseph Smiths Farm where he grew upWestern New Yo

At Austin's play bocce ball

I didn't use to be like that???

Yesterday I heard my self say to my son; "I didn't use to be like that.  I wonder what happened?"

1980 University Villa Provo, Utah!

What does happen to change us?  Or do we really change at all and it's only our perspective of ourselves that changes?  Once I told my nephew that this music or that book reminded me of his brother.  He looking at me puzzled said "why do you think that? he wouldn't like that at all"?  Sunday I tried to have a "grown up" conversation with another son who I am always striving to be smart enough to be able to converse with and was immediately shut down.  Why is it that we think we know who we are and who others are, when indeed in every moment of the day we are in fact changing; both inside and out, along with everyone else around us.  I think I know subjects that interest 'so and so' and that I have found them something they'll like or discuss 'this or that' topic, and BAM - no not at all!  Once I told my niece she was beautiful and healthy and she responded "she was 98 pounds and completely unhealthy".

Then of course there is Christmas and the gift that (bowl, the socks, the ski hat yadaya!) you think says the receivers name all over it, come to find out they returned it and pocketed the cash or got something else!    Then I buy for my husband what I think he wants for a gift and he buys what he thinks I want for gift??? When really it's what I want him to have or like, and visa versa!   But wait what about that gift you have to buy for the "elephant" at the Holiday party exchange (that needs a whole other blog!).

Tio Jorge used to call them my "rope shoes"!

I love me some birks!

Then there is that couple that He buys shoes for Her, and really the shoes are for Him, we were once that couple but now, with the weight and age!!! YIKES


I wear Flats - don't you buy me heels!!!  But also, in this case I have not changed, I WANT to wear heels I used to look good in heels, but I need now to wear flats.  Anyway I tend to get in over my head in these discussions with myself!!!  --Move on!

My husband and I are discussing getting a new car, we cannot come to an agreement on this topic, because I see myself in, well something that would suck gas like nobodys business.   Because I know that logically that is not smart any more, I have tried to decide who I am in a small car.  Now, I don't want just any small car I want a car that says "Kelly" all over it, afterall he doesn't drive it - it's for me, right?  He says it's for me!   Because of this quandary, I can't really tell him what I want because in this process I am changing daily!  I want anything Nissan I say (I really do like all of their models), then the next day I want that wonderdully spunky Fiat  (you know the jennifer lopez pops out of and afterall I did try to get a loan to buy one when I was 19!), but then I was raised to buy USA so I want to do that, but what is USA made these days?  So I cannot say really what I want.  I started out with a Gremlin, I loved it, maybe no one else did and that is what made me love it more!!!  How does one explain who they are when they don't even know for themselves?

I think prayer and submission to God's will are also way over my head, I have no idea what he is making of me.  I hate the word submission.  I don't pretend (but I used to!) to understand where He is going with me.  I don't know if I'm suppose to be an 8 passenger van, an SUV, A Chevy short bed Van or a Fiat?  I can only pray that with the spirit guiding me, the changes and perspectives daily will make me who and what God is building.   Im pretty stubborn, a hermit and a really slow learner to HIM and all of you I ask for patience as I go thru this life building and rebuilding, staying the same and yet changing.
C.S. Lewis

me and Sis rockin our Maxi Dresses!

Me and Vic in our heels at the AZ Temple

Todays Me
as a family we all have our college, our favorites, our likes and dislikes but even still we evolve in a United front building a family to live in a Palace.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

I am who I am ever evolving ever changing still the same

Communication 101

"They" say you learn from your kids!  Well one of mine is writing papers for college that force her to ask questions that make me think  today I enter some of my answers to her...

My father wasnt home much. while my parents were not divorced they lived separately daddy's business (1 on McDowell and 24th st. in Phoenix, 2 on Hardy and Priest and 3 on 1st st in Tempe) was a horse riding stable where he rented out horses for hourly rates ... I did not know we were dysfunctional! I was told he had to protect the investment and so he stayed with the tack, feed and horses. He came home on sat. and Sunday nights to eat, get clean clothes and watch Archie bunker with me! Sometimes during the week he would come home and sometimes I would go stay there on Saturdays especially if mom had to work - anyway up until I was in jr high and had things to go do on Saturdays. His communication was direct stern or sarcastic this is where I learned what I thought was humor!!! His communication was - cussing and yelling, I did fear that more than being whipped from my daddy. It made me feel little, stupid = awful.
and thus we see: physical abuse beats/hurts your body, derogatory language, verbal abuse beats/hurts the soul i think its worse cuz your brain is involved and it tells your brain you are unworthy.

Daddy would create conversation with me around mom about things that bugged her and we would laugh together, she never cracking a smile and not thinking anything said was funny, which made us laugh together even more leaving Mom out!
And thus we see: Sarcasim hurtful and a type and shadow of being a bully. (In writing that down I can realize that that is what Amric and I do to Richard! Guess I better work to change that)

My mom and I had long talks and were best friends. We could talk (when we weren't in a teenage parent argument) about anything. Mom and dad liked to go for drives. When daddy went I was not allowed to talk. But when it was mom and I we would go on forever talking about any and everything.  I do remember though at age 12/13 really bugging her cuz I talked too much.  Urlene and I would get in the car and go on and on about our lives giggling uncontrollably!
And thus we see: moms are great and unselfish letting kids talk about only themselves on and on until all you do is giggle and thats annoying!

Our communication to get me out of bed in the mornings for school from the day I started school was to call me. The phone was all the way across the house and would ring loudly scarying me into awake mode and then I would run across the house to answer the phone to hear mom say "up and at 'em it's time for school"!       Really I knew that! I did not like it too much at all and grew to hate everything about the phone except for if boys called of course!! And note hear I was never ever allowed to call them!  (a lesson I tried to teach my girls but has now been lost because everyone has a phone in there hands!)
and thus we see: face to face communication is the best! and being woke up in the morning by someone in the house is the best and communication is a gift, a talent and is being lost in translation in a high tech world.