This is Grief

What are the lessons to learn these are my thoughts today...

I have been journaling this year verses blogging.  It's more "Personal" and thats my word for 2015.  but for the record...Ayris tells me that she has learned that writing doesn't really help if its negative anyway.  I'm not going to write this and then go burn it.  I'm looking for personal feelings, I am looking for music in my life again. I am looking to let go of all the negative sad memories.  Just move On, but DO IT without fear. I am searching for away to overcome my fear of loss. My anxiety of in fact letting go and being vulnerable. To not feel guilt in being happy because I'm still here. I am wanting to do this with the desire to Dance again to the music.  So because I am me ... to do that I am writing what "I know"  and hoping to learn that "I will doubt my fears before I doubt what I KNOW" for myself to be free.

3 years ago this month I stopped listening to music again Death and Divorce they have alot in common. On the inside anyway.

5 years ago my Mom died.  I was sitting in church. In the pews on the right side of the building. I knew she was gone.  A "feeling" if you will that I will not in this life time ever forget. When I got home I called. She was in fact dead. They had called me, I was in church. I know who hugged me first. I know how I drove there. I know who greeted me. I know where she was laying and the blanket that was missing. I know everything that was on the wall in that room.  I know the people who supported me. I know the people who just missed her. I know Where the mortuary was and all the paperwork and decisions that followed. I know that I stopped listening to music that day, aGain.

My Aunt El died. I know that it was bittersweet. I know that choices in life sometimes have to be lived with until you die and can't be changed or undone.

10 years ago last month my brother Tim died. I know that I had just reunited with him. That things were good again for the first time since well alotta years.  I know that we talked on the phone just last week or last month! I say that because I don't really know when he died. It's not real to me still in lots of ways. I know that my mom got a sympathy card before anyone told her he was dead. I know that he was doing a cross word puzzle in the TV guide and that his boots were sitting beside his bed. I know that he was happy for the first time since himself loosing another son and his wife Jaci. I know that I lost my las living sibling. That all hell broke loose and that I almost lost his family too. I know that my mother lost her mind when this all happened.

My Uncle Otis died - It was awful. I know I did right by him. I know that Step families can be dysfunctional. I know that Life is Hard. I know that people are mean and selfish and that song is old. 

15 years ago this month I lost my little big brother. I know that they called and said all else had failed and he was moving into hospice and Mom, Austin and I loaded up the truck and took off. I know that was a long ol ride. I know that he looked awful. His belly was bloated up big as a basketball. I know that he was in pain and very uncomfortable. Both physically,  and for us just to be seeing him there like that. He couldn't talk. So a friend had loaned me a book and I took it with me - I read to him while I watched him die. While I watch my mom be broken and pray and move forward with next step. I know that she had faith. I know I prayed in the little garden area like I never prayed before. I know that we had a connection. I know that he wondered what the hell I was talking about when I told him that families would be together again. I know that we had a moment. I know that I stopped listening to music before I realized I had really stopped listening to music.  I know that I died alittle inside watching him die hopeless.

Richards Dad died - I know that that is a long story.

15 years ago I called to wish my sister happy new year - she didn't come to the phone. a few days later in Jan My mother felt the need to go to her. We went to Monte to get airplane tickets, because back then you went to an actual travel agent! I know that on the way home we both cried, the atmosphere was as thick as chocolate pudding I know Neither of us spoke. I took her home. I went to get a kid from gymnastics. I know that when I pulled into the garage my life ended for the second time! I know that richard looked at me and said "Judyann is Dead."  I know that the song of life in my sister, her life and family was like a record needle stuck playing that same line over and over and over again - 'She's dead".

I know that 23 years ago the Georgia McCoy kids lost their Daddy. That some idiot killed him - leaving a wife and 3 kids to figure out life and death and scratch, punch, claw and dance themselves thru life without him. I know he was a good kid. I know that I will always be grateful he came to live with Tom for a school year so that I could know him. I know that none of us knew how to communicate with each other because of the stories of our elders.

When I was a young selfish mom and wife I was pretty busy being just that and my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer and in 4 weeks was dead. I know that I fell apart. I know that I blamed yelled at and accused God. I know that I did things I should not have done. I know that I was with him when He died and what I hold on to is his sweet face and his eyes not wanting to leave. I told him to go find a friend of mine who had recently died A friend he actually liked I knew he would know how to teach Daddy the Plan! I knew at that moment that that was why I had known Glenn. I know that when they ask Dad if he wanted a blessing he said he didn't do what he was suppose to, What he had promised his wife he would do when she agreed to marry him so he wasn't go to be a "chicken shit" now and ask for the Lords blessings. I know that while waiting in his wheel chair and dieing in the VA hospital waiting room he wanted to smoke, even knowing that doing that since he was 8 years old was what was killing him now. I know I turned the music on and I turned it on LOUD! Why was every death after that different. Why have I turned the music off?

well anyway this is alot for me to think about.  It's definitely PERSONAL!